Feeling stuck and can't trust my own judgement

[constantlyconfused]

I had a very rough first year of marriage with my husband. He was jealous and aggressive half of the time, and overly super nice the other half. He didn't like me going out without him and never trusted me.

 

I finaly had enough of it, and moved out after a huge fight... i told my husband that the only way i'd give him another chance was if he went to anger management weekly to get himself sorted out and couples therapy with me. To be honest, i didn't think he'd do it, and i didn't even want him to. i just wanted to be able to think back and feel like i tried. But he agreed to do everything and made major improvements. In couples therapy, the therapist (same guy that he was seeing for anger management) told me that he saw so much progress in my husband and that he felt confident that my husband would not revert back to his old ways.

 

After only a month and a half living seperate, (but still meeting up during the week here and there), i decided to move back.

 

Things are going great, or so it seems. He really seems like he has changed, he doesn't pick petty fights at all, thinks before he speaks and recognizes the mistakes he made in the past. On a day to day basis, we hang out together, do our own things sometimes, visit family, have fun etc etc... but i don't think i really FEEL anything anymore.

 

I feel like i'm just going through the motions with him and think about leaving him EVERY DAY. I feel so guilty bc he probably has NO idea that i even still doubt us, but i can't seem to love him and actually give this marriage another try.

 

I don't know if i'm the problem... or if i am right to not be able to forgive him for the past and move forward, so i'm constantly running through thoughts in my mind and doubting what i feel. i don't know how to make the decision. It almost seems like there is no longer a reason to leave, but i still am always thinking about leaving.

[betterdeal]

Have you considered individual therapy for yourself, so that you can work through some of your feelings and thoughts "in private" as it were?

 

Once bitten, twice shy may apply here. It's pretty normal to be wary after a traumatic experience, but you can work your way through it. Having a therapist / counsellor you can confide in may help you to do that. Even if things are good now, when something stressful happens further down the line, you may find either or both of you two lose track of how to keep things sweet between you. Having support for both and each of you can help mitigate against that.

[SoMovinOn]

I think love is something you either feel for someone or you don't. If you don't, there's nothing "wrong" with you - you just don't love them. It's not something one should go to therapy to "fix".

 

The best you can do is to be honest with him.

[make me believe]

IF he's gotten his anger and temper under control for good, you guys need to now work on rebuilding your marriage and your romantic love for each other. I couldn't disagree with SoMovinOn more. You CAN fix it when you feel the romantic love has left the relationship. You guys spent a lot of time apart, and being away from each other, living separate individual lives, is probably the fastest way to kill your love. I recommend checking out some of Dr. Harley's books, like His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters. I think they could help you a lot. It's understandable that you're having doubts, and probably trying to protect yourself because of how your husband behaved in the past. I think if you see he really HAS changed, over the course of several months not just a few weeks, AND you work on rebuilding your love for each other, you'll be able to work things out.

[compassion42]

Everybody is different and handles stress and relationship issues in their own way. If you feel it could be helpful-seek some individual counseling. Or perhaps some more visits with your couples therapist could support you in communicating your feelings with your husband and work on rebuilding your relationship TOGETHER.

You two are MARRIED. I am sure you'll want to give this marriage your best effort before calling it quits!

Good Luck.

[constantlyconfused]

Thanks for the replies, i really appreciate the perspectives i'm getting.

I should have mentioned that i was going to individual counselling too. When things between my husband and i were going through their worst, i started to see a psychologist regularly (for about 8 months). He helped me see that my husband was not being fair, and helped me build the assurance to be able to leave for that month and a half that i did.

 

My last visit was last month and i stopped seeing him as i started to feel like i just kept saying the same things every time. (wanting to leave, but feeling guilty, feeling like i didn't have a reason to). I just can't get that "escape" feeling out of the pit of my stomach. I'm afraid to stay put and trust him again to only have him revert back to his controlling and abusive ways again. Maybe i need to see him again and more regularly to figure myself out so that i'm not stuck in the middle the way i am.

 

It feels impossible to forgive him for the past, but then maybe people really do change?

[betterdeal]

What harm can it do to start seeing the psychologist again? You have your doubts and I think exploring them with someone in confidence will help you. People can change, the tricky bit is not reverting back. It takes time, but people can give up bad habits.

[Isabel82]

I understand its difficult for you. Believe Im in a similar situation as you.

In many ways my bf is a good partner, but hes had some very problematic sides to him, which I found to be harmful to me. Finally, after trying too hard to make it work with no results, Id had enough and left. Not a second too soon. So, after a while he contacted me, and said hes willing to change and do everything for our R to work. He started in therapy and nowadays is much easier to be with, is very kind and caring. But now I dont really know if Ill be able to trust him again. Theres a lot of different emotions right now, among them some resentment and distrust, and I really dont know if I love him anymore. At the moment weve got limited contact, as Im confused and need time on my own to figure it out.

 

Maybe you should take a break or spend some time apart. Being apart doesnt kill love, unless of course, love is already dead. It could give you the opportunity to sort everything out in your mind, and see things more clearly. Its difficult to figure it out what is right for you when you spend so much time together.

No need to feel bad you have such doubts! Its a natural consequense of your mans previous bad behaviour, probably over significant time.

Continuing therapy also seem like a good idea.

 

Wish you good luck, please keep us updated!

[Isabel82]

 

Therefore, I don't get the logic in going to a therapist for God knows how long, in an effort to "make yourself fall back in love with someone" when you've already decided you were done. I agree totally with SoMovingOn.

 

I agree on this, no use in going to a therapist for those reasons. However, it can be good to sort out different feelings, and get a clear perspective. +the reasons why one chose this person to start with, may need attending.

[constantlyconfused]

I understand its difficult for you. Believe Im in a similar situation as you.

In many ways my bf is a good partner, but hes had some very problematic sides to him, which I found to be harmful to me. Finally, after trying too hard to make it work with no results, Id had enough and left. Not a second too soon. So, after a while he contacted me, and said hes willing to change and do everything for our R to work. He started in therapy and nowadays is much easier to be with, is very kind and caring. But now I dont really know if Ill be able to trust him again. Theres a lot of different emotions right now, among them some resentment and distrust, and I really dont know if I love him anymore. At the moment weve got limited contact, as Im confused and need time on my own to figure it out.

 

Maybe you should take a break or spend some time apart. Being apart doesnt kill love, unless of course, love is already dead. It could give you the opportunity to sort everything out in your mind, and see things more clearly. Its difficult to figure it out what is right for you when you spend so much time together.

No need to feel bad you have such doubts! Its a natural consequense of your mans previous bad behaviour, probably over significant time.

Continuing therapy also seem like a good idea.

 

Wish you good luck, please keep us updated!

 

Thanks for your post, its so oddly comforting to know someone might understand what i'm feeling.

 

In the last few weeks i've seen signs of past behavior. One night we were out and he got upset with me about something petty again (a complete non-issue), on our way back in the cab, he pretty much scolded me the entire cab ride home. He is impossible to talk to when he is in that mindset, so based on what we learned in therapy i had a very frank discussion with him about it in the morning and he apologized for scolding me in the cab in front of the driver, but didn't apologize for the petty thing he was upset about. He just didn't seem to get it, and i realize that maybe we just really have different perspectives.

 

I keep flip flopping. When something frustrating like that happens i want out immediately, the rest of the time i feel guilty and keep trying to work on it and be happy.

 

I agree with you that we need some time apart. The challenge is that my husband really doesn't understand how far i've been pushed. He really seems to thing we're ok now, and i am sure if i tell him how upset i still am and tell him i want space again, he will over-react. I've realized over the last while that i just don't trust him and don't want it anymore. I'm worried that i'll have kids with him and then he will no longer handle his temper, he will no longer manage his controlling tendencies and i'd have less courage to leave.

 

I guess i'm just building up the confidence to leave. The only thing that holds me back is the guilt.. despite everything, he is a caring guy who tells me how much he loves me on a daily basis. Sometimes i cringe when he tells me "you're my world" and i feel like such a horrible person, but i just can't seem to feel it back anymore.

 

Do you mind me asking what kinds of things your bf did that were problematic?

[constantlyconfused]

It simply sounds as though the damage has been done and YOU'RE done. Nothing wrong with that.

 

I, too, dealt with a verbally and emotionally abusive man for 2 years before I couldn't do it anymore and told him I was leaving. Usually by that point, most people have disconnected emotionally and mentally, and I was no exception. He asked for time to get therapy and anger management and being truthful, I figured everyone deserves a second chance so I gave him half a year. But inside? I was secretly disappointed because I was READY TO LEAVE by then and it was like trying to close the barn door after all the animals had already escaped. Ultimately, I left anyway because his halfhearted attempts to fix himself were just that - halfhearted. And if I were to be brutally honest, I was secretly pleased that he didn't hold up his end of the bargain because I was DONE.

 

Therefore, I don't get the logic in going to a therapist for God knows how long, in an effort to "make yourself fall back in love with someone" when you've already decided you were done. I agree totally with SoMovingOn.

 

I am getting to the point where i agree with this too... i don't think i can make myself love him again... i care about him, and it will be really hard to hurt him... but i just feel done.

[PinkInTheLimo]

This is how I see it. When you start a relationship you open your heart for someone. If consequently this person hurts you deeply you have no other choice than to close your heart because that's the only way you can survive.

Once you have closed your heart, it's very difficult to open it again. And rightfully so because there is no guarantee that this person will not become very mean again once he/she feels that you trust him/her again.

 

Sometimes someone has gone too far. Nothing to feel guilty about. You don't owe your partner to fall in love with him again. He should have been nice with you from the beginning, not after he makes things so hard for you that you leave. You probably told him several times that you did not like his behaviour yet he only changed when you actually left. That would already be enough for me to never take him back. I would hate him for having pushed me to the point where I leave.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Dunno what to say about this. Clearly you have checked out and I don't think it's fair to either of you to continue making him work his ass off when you are not emotionally able to give it another shot. That isn't your fault... it's just how it is. Maybe let this one go.

 

Interestingly enough I had an xGF who made all kinds of claims about how angry, abusive and controlling I am. After I dumped her I can look back and say for sure that she is just a selfish person and 90% of our fights were centered around her thoughtless and selfish behavior. As a consequence I always take this kind of stuff with a grain of salt.

 

He might hate the idea of a breakup right now... but down the road I'm sure he will be able to learn from it and be a better person. You can move on and find someone new that you can trust. Just make sure it isn't the same kind of guy... I've seen that too many times.

[Prime Vera]

Confused, would you want someone to stay with you because he felt guilty about not loving you? You don't want to hurt him, but by hiding your true feelings, you are doing just that.

 

You are only stuck in your head. Gather up your courage and trust your judgement.

 

ps. I'm pretty sure it won't be easier to leave after a few years and a baby.

[Isabel82]

Thanks for your post, its so oddly comforting to know someone might understand what i'm feeling.

 

In the last few weeks i've seen signs of past behavior. One night we were out and he got upset with me about something petty again (a complete non-issue), on our way back in the cab, he pretty much scolded me the entire cab ride home. He is impossible to talk to when he is in that mindset, so based on what we learned in therapy i had a very frank discussion with him about it in the morning and he apologized for scolding me in the cab in front of the driver, but didn't apologize for the petty thing he was upset about. He just didn't seem to get it, and i realize that maybe we just really have different perspectives.

 

I keep flip flopping. When something frustrating like that happens i want out immediately, the rest of the time i feel guilty and keep trying to work on it and be happy.

 

I agree with you that we need some time apart. The challenge is that my husband really doesn't understand how far i've been pushed. He really seems to thing we're ok now, and i am sure if i tell him how upset i still am and tell him i want space again, he will over-react. I've realized over the last while that i just don't trust him and don't want it anymore. I'm worried that i'll have kids with him and then he will no longer handle his temper, he will no longer manage his controlling tendencies and i'd have less courage to leave.

 

I guess i'm just building up the confidence to leave. The only thing that holds me back is the guilt.. despite everything, he is a caring guy who tells me how much he loves me on a daily basis. Sometimes i cringe when he tells me "you're my world" and i feel like such a horrible person, but i just can't seem to feel it back anymore.

 

Do you mind me asking what kinds of things your bf did that were problematic?

 

 

Sorry the late reply. Checked up on this thread, but somehow managed to miss your post.

The things I found problematic..he would get angry/irritated at me for no apparent reason.

If something made me upset or hurt, and I tried to talk to him about it, the conversation would end with me wondering if I was the problem, or me getting confused and let the matter drop.

Or he would react like Id accused him of being a horrible person and get angry. He often seemed detached and indifferent to my feelings.

He was always nice and quite easygoing when we were together with other people, but not when it was just him and me.

I often felt alone in the R.

As I wrote, hed started to be very sweet and nice, but I didnt trust this change. After a while things went downhill again, and finally we broke up. Its quite recent, so at the moment I dont know exactly what to think of it. Except for that it probably was for the best, and now it the time to start rebuilding my self esteem, which suffered quite a lot the last months.

 

How are you doing, constantlyconfused?? Are you still together with this person?

I can imagine that its more complicated when youre married, to figure out what to do, or to get out of it.

[Isabel82]

 

I guess i'm just building up the confidence to leave. The only thing that holds me back is the guilt.. despite everything, he is a caring guy who tells me how much he loves me on a daily basis. Sometimes i cringe when he tells me "you're my world" and i feel like such a horrible person, but i just can't seem to feel it back anymore.

 

When it comes to guilt, are you sure that its the only thing that holds you back? I felt the same way, that I didnt wanna hurt him, and therefore found it difficult to set boundaries or distance myself. But on a closer look, I found it was more than just that. I was afraid of leaving him, as I then would be all on my own. It was an element of dependency and feeling of helplessness without him, that I didnt spot at first. It was easier letting go, when I realized this one. For the moment I feel like in withdrawal, and quite depressed. And still, its worth it.

I dont know too much about your situation, but it seems youd be better off on your own.

[Isabel82]

This is how I see it. When you start a relationship you open your heart for someone. If consequently this person hurts you deeply you have no other choice than to close your heart because that's the only way you can survive.

Once you have closed your heart, it's very difficult to open it again. And rightfully so because there is no guarantee that this person will not become very mean again once he/she feels that you trust him/her again.

 

Sometimes someone has gone too far. Nothing to feel guilty about. You don't owe your partner to fall in love with him again. He should have been nice with you from the beginning, not after he makes things so hard for you that you leave. You probably told him several times that you did not like his behaviour yet he only changed when you actually left. That would already be enough for me to never take him back. I would hate him for having pushed me to the point where I leave.

 

I love this post!

PinkInTheLimo, youre absolutely right.

Ive quoted it in my diary, so when I start doubting, Ill remember why I chose to leave.

[constantlyconfused]

Sorry the late reply. Checked up on this thread, but somehow managed to miss your post.

The things I found problematic..he would get angry/irritated at me for no apparent reason.

If something made me upset or hurt, and I tried to talk to him about it, the conversation would end with me wondering if I was the problem, or me getting confused and let the matter drop.

Or he would react like Id accused him of being a horrible person and get angry. He often seemed detached and indifferent to my feelings.

He was always nice and quite easygoing when we were together with other people, but not when it was just him and me.

I often felt alone in the R.

As I wrote, hed started to be very sweet and nice, but I didnt trust this change. After a while things went downhill again, and finally we broke up. Its quite recent, so at the moment I dont know exactly what to think of it. Except for that it probably was for the best, and now it the time to start rebuilding my self esteem, which suffered quite a lot the last months.

 

How are you doing, constantlyconfused?? Are you still together with this person?

I can imagine that its more complicated when youre married, to figure out what to do, or to get out of it.

 

Hey, sorry i'm just seeing your reply....

Yes, i'm still with him. Amazingly enough, as I really thought I was going to leave. What confuses me now is that I KNOW if I didn't marry him, I would have left given his behaviour, but because we're married, I stuck around.

I'm much happier now. I don't entirely trust it yet... but at least I don't think about leaving him every day, and that is a major improvement. He has improved so much, the anger management really seems to have helped him, and he doesn't get angry about silly things the way he used to. I've seen a couple signs of past behaviour, but it hasn't been a big deal, and i'm seeing the side of him I fell in love with in the first place more and more. So I guess i'm going to see where this takes us.

One thing you said that really stood out is how your bf made you question yourself and whether you were the problem. I went through that too and can understand the damage it can do to your self esteem. I hope you are healing well... how long were you with him?

[constantlyconfused]

When it comes to guilt, are you sure that its the only thing that holds you back? I felt the same way, that I didnt wanna hurt him, and therefore found it difficult to set boundaries or distance myself. But on a closer look, I found it was more than just that. I was afraid of leaving him, as I then would be all on my own. It was an element of dependency and feeling of helplessness without him, that I didnt spot at first. It was easier letting go, when I realized this one. For the moment I feel like in withdrawal, and quite depressed. And still, its worth it.

I dont know too much about your situation, but it seems youd be better off on your own.

 

You're right... a big thing holding me back has been fear. Fear of starting all over... I can't remember the last time I met someone who intrigued me, so I can't imagine where i'd start! How did you finally break out of it?

[Ninja'sHusband]

It sounds like the answer is probably no, but do you have kids?

 

Also, I'd say watch for the small improvements over time. Change is a hard thing to do, appreciate the little steps.

[Isabel82]

Hey, sorry i'm just seeing your reply....

Yes, i'm still with him. Amazingly enough, as I really thought I was going to leave. What confuses me now is that I KNOW if I didn't marry him, I would have left given his behaviour, but because we're married, I stuck around.

I'm much happier now. I don't entirely trust it yet... but at least I don't think about leaving him every day, and that is a major improvement. He has improved so much, the anger management really seems to have helped him, and he doesn't get angry about silly things the way he used to. I've seen a couple signs of past behaviour, but it hasn't been a big deal, and i'm seeing the side of him I fell in love with in the first place more and more. So I guess i'm going to see where this takes us.

One thing you said that really stood out is how your bf made you question yourself and whether you were the problem. I went through that too and can understand the damage it can do to your self esteem. I hope you are healing well... how long were you with him?

 

 

How are things now? The improvment, it is big enough? And has it stuck?

Hope youre doing good

 

Yea, n later I found there was a term for this, gaslighting. It went so far that I started to question my ability to make decisions on completely unrelated ares in life.

 

The R lasted for about three years.

Now that we`re no longer together I understand why it was so difficult for me to leave, even though we had huge problems. The breakup process has been one of the most painful experiences Ive had so far. Ive only felt this way before when someone close to me died.

Think I was probably hoping to avoid this, + love and attachment too.

[Isabel82]

You're right... a big thing holding me back has been fear. Fear of starting all over... I can't remember the last time I met someone who intrigued me, so I can't imagine where i'd start! How did you finally break out of it?

 

 

Know excactly what you mean, I unfortunately feel the same way. Id love to find someone new, but how, and where to start..hope it will not take years for it to happen. But I think its not unusual to feel this way, and things work out anyway.

 

The short story of it, I started mentally preparing for the end of the R, and after a horrible fight I broke up. We didnt see each other for a while and in this period I met a new guy. He didnt stay in the picture for long, but when ex contacted me I told him about this new one.

I think this upset my ex so bad that he too started having serious doubts about us being together. After that theres been nc.

[Frootloop]

You are so right when you say that in these situations, half the time ou feel

Relieved and half the time you feel guilty. When your own emotions are out whack it makes you feel like you have no control over Any area of

Your life. I have a similar thread going becausey husband just doesn't want to do much Round the house. I think about leaving everyday, as you do. I also worry

About of I have totally lost my feelings for him, and if so is there a way to being it back. But you know what? Making that separation is the hardest part and you've worked on that angle, so next time should be much easier

[constantlyconfused]

How are things now? The improvment, it is big enough? And has it stuck?

Hope youre doing good

 

Yea, n later I found there was a term for this, gaslighting. It went so far that I started to question my ability to make decisions on completely unrelated ares in life.

 

The R lasted for about three years.

Now that we`re no longer together I understand why it was so difficult for me to leave, even though we had huge problems. The breakup process has been one of the most painful experiences Ive had so far. Ive only felt this way before when someone close to me died.

Think I was probably hoping to avoid this, + love and attachment too.

 

 

I just looked up gaslighting as you mentioned... i found a story that pretty much exactly sums up what i went through in terms of my self esteem.

 

Do you feel more like your old self now that you're apart?

 

My fear is that i won't be able to get back to my old self while in this relationship. Although yes, he has improved dramatically, and yes it seems to have stuck, I still sometimes feel that urge to leave.

 

He is a great guy, and we've been having so much fun together lately, and i do think i'm getting back to my old self. But i don't know what it is. Trust maybe? anger i guess. Sometimes i just wish i could start over, but i know that i would miss him and maybe even regret leaving him given that things are good now.

 

I feel so helpless at times.

[constantlyconfused]

Know excactly what you mean, I unfortunately feel the same way. Id love to find someone new, but how, and where to start..hope it will not take years for it to happen. But I think its not unusual to feel this way, and things work out anyway.

 

The short story of it, I started mentally preparing for the end of the R, and after a horrible fight I broke up. We didnt see each other for a while and in this period I met a new guy. He didnt stay in the picture for long, but when ex contacted me I told him about this new one.

I think this upset my ex so bad that he too started having serious doubts about us being together. After that theres been nc.

 

Sounds horrible, but sometimes it takes a new guy in the picture to help get out of a R, and its probably better that he didn't stay in the picture. Hope you're healing well...