MM sleeping "in the basement"

[RecordProducer]

As I listened to the conversation, I had two thoughts:

1) How recently I've seen such smug comments posted on here about MM sleeping "in the basement" is basically a lie told to string the OW along

2) How I've read over and over on here that NO MM leave and marry their OW.

 

I am starting to wonder if the "case by case" stuff we see on LS isn't really represent at all about what goes on IRL because, as I've stated before, I personally know now over 12 couples who got together in an A and went on to be M and stay M.

 

Anyway, when I read some of the "know it all" posts on here from people who think all As are the same, all MM are the same, all OW are the same, it just kind of urks me! I'm not defending As, but I will argue that they aren't all cut from the same cloth.

Cabin, it seems like you're trying to convince yourself, not others. Nobody here can tell you what's going to happen (good or bad), but there will be an outcome one way or another.

 

My AP has been sleeping out of the bedroom for quite some time and has been inactive sexually with his W for close to a year. How many would scoff at my naivete for "actually" believing that?

 

 

 

 

I read this whole thread and I can answer that question for you:

• There were more than 10 people who actually believed that.
  
• There were 3 or 4 people who said you can't really know.
  
• There's one person scoffing at your naivete for "actually" beliving that - you.
  

Rob's post above - that unless you have a camera and can actually SEE everything going on in his house 24/7, you really DON'T know. You can only go by what he TELLS you.

Is it so difficult to go check? Yes, unless he lives on a 3+ floor, you can see if he is undressing in the bedroom, hanging out with his wife in the living room or front yard or if he is sleeping in the basement. The problem is the OW trusts MM. First thing she should do is check if the house has a basement at all. Next, if it's finished.

 

So I was surprised to learn he had lied when there was no reason he had to lie.

A liar doesn't need a reason to lie. Besides, there is never a reason to lie. You can lie to a cop about how fast you were going or to your boss about sleeping through the alarm, but lying to someone you love speaks volumes of that person's integrity and emotional structure.

 

When xMM finally did divorce and wanted to be with me, I had learned enough to know that I could not tie my life to someone capable of that level of deception.

Good girl, you! Kuddos to your self-respect!

I agree with others that when you know someone is that deceitful, you can't really be sure they are not deceiving you too.

I have to agree with this: once I realized my ex-H was prone to lying, I never trusted him again. I was always surprised if something ended up to be the truth. If he said "Good morning" I thought he was lying. I also don't trust people who've told me they've lied to others.

 

My husband told his OW he was sleeping on an air mattress in another room. It was a lie......

Do you actually have an air mattress?

 

I fail to see why proof and knowledge of this cruelty to one's spouse is proof of love to you. Its a sad day when people validate and confirm their relationships based on how poorly their partner treats others in relation to how they are treated by them. Truthfully' date=' if a woman wants such a man that badly, I say let her have them.[/quote']This is a great thought, because the human instinct often goes in this direction: He is cruel to her because she is not as special as I am. She deserves it. Before you know it, you deserve it, too.

 

Instead of getting to know someone for two years, I wish I could speak to all of his exes for just two minutes!

 

Until the MM actually moves out and files for divorce, anything can happen in that marriage.

This is true, but it's also true for any relationship. I met a girl who was engaged to someone she was dating for like 8-9 years. She thought it was a done deal and that the marriage was going to happen sooner or later. A year later he was married to another girl. I worked with him and the sad thing was we all knew of his affair with this rich folks' daughter, but none of us told her. It only lasted for a few months though before he broke up with the fiancee. He was after the new girl's money. Shyt happens.

 

Cabin's guy may be counting the minutes until he's able to marry her, questioning his decision to leave his wife, regretting his decision, or he may change 180 three months from now. She can't know for sure either way. But if he is legally separated, chances are he is getting a divorce, after which point he will be a free man.

 

The thing is, many couples before they actually do D, have sex again, kind of like a goodbye.

Oh, c'mon, WWIU, that's really not important. Even if they do, she won't find out, so don't inject demons in her head for no reason.

Does she know about you and the affair?

It doesn't sound like she knows. It seems like he is trying to get a good divorce settlement and he can't get it if Wife knows about Cabin. I think that's why Cabin feels stuck - and hence the despair in her posts.

Edited February 10, 2012 by RecordProducer

[4321sn]

I've been posting on an off for about three years shortly after my affair with MM began. I understand what you are saying but I don't necessarily think it all simply about negativity. I truly believe that the posters who were being harsh with me were trying to spare me any further pain. Sure I would be offended and defensive because my situation was sooooo special and my MM was sooooo different...

 

You know what...former MM did in fact leave. We are now living together and have been for 10 months...

 

You know what else? He did in fact lie to me about many things. He lied about telling her he wanted a separation 3 month prior to actually telling her and moving out. He was still saying I love you to her and although he claims he was sleeping in the basement I am certain he was not.

 

We love one another and I am thankful that we have a chance to be together and a chance to be happy but there is so much work to do. We are trying to build trust from a relationship which was born of lies. There is genuine love between us but also scars...

[SoMovinOn]

Maybe and hopefully for you, he sticks to what he's told you and what's been documented in their proceedings to divorce. The thing is, many couples before they actually do D, have sex again, kind of like a goodbye.

 

I had sex with my first ex years after we got D. I even let her move in with me for a while a couple years after our D, when she needed a place to stay temporarily.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

many, many former ow (whether it is a long ago former ow or a recent former ow) have stated time and time again how they were lied to. they share their personal experience. why is that something that you want to fight about? can they not share what they found out about?

 

Why should that same courtesy not be afforded to Cabin? Can she not share her own experience, or her own views? Or are only the views of the "uncritical majority" allowed, and any dissenters to be bullied into silence or submission?

 

Isn't that just a teeny bit hypocritical?

[skywriter]

Cabin,

 

I wasn't trying to be negative, heck, I'm happy for you, if your situation with the MM is different than mine. I hate to hear of anyone being hurt, married person, affair partner or otherwise.

 

My point was, the person already involved ina committed relationship, moving on before they've gotten out of a relationship. I believe it's a recipe for disaster. Then again, ther are exceptions to the rule, I suppose.

 

In any case, I do wish you all the best.

[nofool4u]

My AP has been sleeping out of the bedroom for quite some time and has been inactive sexually with his W for close to a year. How many would scoff at my naivete for "actually" believing that?

 

Cabin

 

Then why is he still there continuing to abuse his spouse?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why should that same courtesy not be afforded to Cabin? Can she not share her own experience, or her own views? Or are only the views of the "uncritical majority" allowed, and any dissenters to be bullied into silence or submission?

 

Isn't that just a teeny bit hypocritical?

 

Of course she can.

 

But the point of the OP was not to share her own experience or views. It was to share the experience of a third party, and to poke at the views of others here. A whole new thread created just for that.

[woinlove]

Of course she can.

 

But the point of the OP was not to share her own experience or views. It was to share the experience of a third party, and to poke at the views of others here. A whole new thread created just for that.

 

... or maybe it is as Cabin's states and she really thinks the fact that she knows someone whose husband slept in the basement will be of help to many lurkers here. If there really are women who will take comfort in the fact that somewhere, some husband, did sleep in the basement, I am sure we would all like to help them as it does not sound like a good state to be in.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Honestly, the whole basement-sleeping scenario doesn't seem like it would be comforting for anybody in any situation. Why was he there? "For the kids"? What did the kids think about Dad becoming a basement-dweller? Why didn't he just move out? Did his wife enjoy having him in the basement? Was she vengefully stomping around with clogs on over his head during the wee hours? What about his girlfriend - I wonder if she was pleased about his accommodations or would have preferred him to get his own place or to move in with her?

 

The part about him leaving and marrying his mistress 20 years ago - I can understand easily why that would be comforting.

 

Basement sleeping, not so much.

[donnamaybe]

Honestly, the whole basement-sleeping scenario doesn't seem like it would be comforting for anybody in any situation. Why was he there? "For the kids"? What did the kids think about Dad becoming a basement-dweller? Why didn't he just move out? Did his wife enjoy having him in the basement? Was she vengefully stomping around with clogs on over his head during the wee hours? What about his girlfriend - I wonder if she was pleased about his accommodations or would have preferred him to get his own place or to move in with her?

 

The part about him leaving and marrying his mistress 20 years ago - I can understand easily why that would be comforting.

 

Basement sleeping, not so much.

 

I wondered about all that too. And who puts the location of their bedroom in divorce papers? That's a new one.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I wondered about all that too. And who puts the location of their bedroom in divorce papers? That's a new one.

 

yeah, it must be in a different state. Or planet.

[Cabin]

 

I am starting to wonder...

 

and... when I read some of the "know it all" posts ... it just kind of urks me!

 

 

Those two statements best represent my mind-frame when I post: inquiry and slight "urking"

 

Perhaps this medium isn't a good one for detecting the nuances of people's emotional state/intention when posting, but I assure you, I am not in any way angry.

 

I post here mostly because I think my situation is a bit different and I share it for those who can relate to it or need to hear a story like mine.

 

If that doesn't apply to you, then, well, it doesn't apply to you.

[Cabin]

I wondered about all that too. And who puts the location of their bedroom in divorce papers? That's a new one.

 

It is typical to state the arrangements of "living separately and apart" while under one roof during a legal separation.

[Cabin]

Then why is he still there continuing to abuse his spouse?

 

 

Sorry???

[Cabin]

 

Few if any posters are here to hurt you, most just want to save you from some pain.

 

I appreciate this idea and I agree, you are probably right that most who share their insights are looking to be helpful rather than harmful.

[Cabin]

Honestly, the whole basement-sleeping scenario doesn't seem like it would be comforting for anybody in any situation. Why was he there? "For the kids"? What did the kids think about Dad becoming a basement-dweller? Why didn't he just move out?

 

In this case, my AP has been told not by his lawyer not to move out until a custory arrangement is in place.

[2sunny]

The thing is - anyone can write out whatever they want to on a document. It doesn't make the written words true.

 

IF two married folks AREN'T sleeping together - wouldn't you think one would asky "why not?" then after the why not part - begin to work on getting things back in order so they might sleep together again?

 

There is a process to these scenarios... When one spouse leaves the marital bed - the other usually starts to look for the reasons why...

 

Just pointing out the obvious.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It is typical to state the arrangements of "living separately and apart" while under one roof during a legal separation.

 

I am NOT doubting that you know the facts of your own situation, but I have to say that because some divorce related document states this does not necessarily mean that it's the truth. No doubt plenty of divorcing people slip up regularly in the marital relations department of living separately and apart under one roof.

[2sunny]

In this case, my AP has been told not by his lawyer not to move out until a custory arrangement is in place.

 

And that would only entail - what - a simple conversation which concluded in an agreement - for the best decision made for the children?

 

Write it out and sign it... What keeps him from accomplishing that? It's very simple!

 

IF that's all that's standing in the way - why hasn't he done it?

[Cabin]

And that would only entail - what - a simple conversation which concluded in an agreement - for the best decision made for the children?

 

NOTHING could be further from what he is experiencing.

 

Ever heard the "hell hath no fury" bit?

 

Well his scorned W isn't having any simple conversations, and certainly none in the best decisions for the children.

[woinlove]

NOTHING could be further from what he is experiencing.

 

Ever heard the "hell hath no fury" bit?

 

Well his scorned W isn't having any simple conversations, and certainly none in the best decisions for the children.

 

And he's lying and presenting a false reality to her, so who knows how much of this is due to his cruel behavior. He doesn't have any high ground since he decided honesty, openness, respect and kindness were out of the question for him, right? Just remember this is the same woman just months ago (perhaps before all his cruelty towards her took its toll) that you said he described as a good mother and woman.

[whichwayisup]

Or are only the views of the "uncritical majority" allowed, and any dissenters to be bullied into silence or submission?

 

Bullying? I don't see this on Cabin's thread.

 

People have their opinions, thoughts but I don't see any bullying.

[2sunny]

NOTHING could be further from what he is experiencing.

 

Ever heard the "hell hath no fury" bit?

 

Well his scorned W isn't having any simple conversations, and certainly none in the best decisions for the children.

 

Cabin - has HE been honest with his wife? Has he told her he's been seeing you and he loves you now?

[whichwayisup]

Cabin - has HE been honest with his wife? Has he told her he's been seeing you and he loves you now?

 

He isn't going to say anything like that on the verge of divorce, especially since his lawyer advised him to not to move out until there's a settlement.. If he wants an easier divorce and less hassel, he won't admit the A. If he does and she knows, then chances are, he'll pay more in the long run and have a tougher divorce. My guess is, he's playing it smart and hasn't said a word to his wife about it.

[RecordProducer]

In this case, my AP has been told not by his lawyer not to move out until a custory arrangement is in place.

Are you 100% sure what he is telling you is true?

For how long has he been dragging this situation?

Why legal separation, why didn't he file for divorce?

What custody situation does he want? Are you willing to have his kids 50% of the time if you move in together? How old are they and how many?

Does his wife work orwill he pay child support and alimony? Do they have a prenuptial agreement? Usually the first thing people do is move out. But he didn't.

 

Seriously, if I were you, I would go in the evening to check if he is really sleeping in the basement.