Divorce?

[Moose]

Ok, I posted my situation in the marriage and life partner section. Long story short, I've been married for going on 25 years and have come a long ways in changing my habits, being more attentive to my wife's needs and wants.

 

It's all come to a head. She says that I need to change more, she's not happy. So now I've been going to counceling, alone because she believes she doesn't need it. It's been 4 months.

 

She has said plain and simple, "I'm not working on this anymore it's all up to you". So....during my counceling I've discovered that even though I'm not perfect, my wife also has problems of her own.

 

In fact, it's emotional abuse and this is coming from a Christian Councelor.

 

NOW, I know that God literally HATES divorce. However, in my view I believe abuse is cause for divorce. IF we both being believers work on the marriage together, God can repair it.

 

BUT, since I'm the only one willing to quit my habits, (drinking, smoking) and to seek guidance yet my wife is ignoring the problem and refuses to go to counceling etc....

 

In your opinion, is this cause for divorce?

 

I can't live like this anymore, and I don't feel I should have to. I love her dearly and would give my life in exchange for hers. But I'm hurt, angry, concerned, feelings of guilt overwhelm me, it's affecting every area of my life!!!

 

I can't work on myself with this going on anymore!!!!

[oldguy]

Wow Moose, you've brought a complex matrix to the table.

Do you have children at home yet?

I'm able to say this because of the anonymity of LS; I'm a Christian, I was a counselor but rarely both at the same time, I personally have issues with "Christian Counselors", mental health with religious bias can be at extreme odds to one another. Getting that on the table, What do you think about divorce?

What would you do if you & your wife separate? I ask that because that is an obvious option, remain married but separate.

[Moose]

We've had 6 children together. One has gone on to be with our Lord. 2 have grown and moved out. Three remain, 17, 15 and 13.

 

I don't want a divorce, but I'm being emotionally abused and it is harmful to me physically I don't care what the, "experts" say...

 

That said, I believe that Christ wouldn't want me in a situation where it's harmful to me. Her unwillingness and head strong ways would make seperation null and void. It's either black or white in her mind.

 

I hope that clarifies things a bit...?

[oldguy]

So what would you do if you divorced her?

where would you go?

how would your children be cared for?

if the two of you are living this way how has it effected the children?

[Moose]

1. I would move on. I'm not interested in another relationship. I'd focus on me and my relationship with God.

 

2. I own the home. It's in my name only. It was a gift from the Company I work for. So I would stay there. Even if I did lose it, (which i can't acccording to my State's law) my family smells of money.

 

3. My children are self-sufficient. Spoiled, but self-sufficient.

 

4. My youngest Son and Daughter love me and where we're at. My middle daughter is a little rebel right now, so I'm sure she's more focused on herself rather than what's going on with the marriage.

[wuggle]

give her half the house, and half of everything else you have, then ask her exactly what else she wants you to change.

[oldguy]

1. I would move on. I'm not interested in another relationship. I'd focus on me and my relationship with God.

 

2. I own the home. It's in my name only. It was a gift from the Company I work for. So I would stay there. Even if I did lose it, (which i can't acccording to my State's law) my family smells of money.

 

3. My children are self-sufficient. Spoiled, but self-sufficient.

 

4. My youngest Son and Daughter love me and where we're at. My middle daughter is a little rebel right now, so I'm sure she's more focused on herself rather than what's going on with the marriage.

 

And your wife would leave? Where would she go? I won't bother you with the legalities of divorce as I imagine you have looked into all of that in your state.

 

So we are back to religion.

[Moose]

give her half the house, and half of everything else you have, then ask her exactly what else she wants you to change.

I can't give her half the house....unless I want another job which I don't.

 

I put our Mazda 3 solely in her name 2 months ago, and I set up an automatic deposit of $ 500.00 per pay period onto a pre-paid CC for her use.

 

If I asked her, "what else do you want me to change" she'd respond, "I've already told you, I'm not going to repeat myself".....I know this because I've already asked.

 

Fact is, I'm never going to be good enough for her so I'm wondering why even bother?

 

My councelor asked me to write down how I would feel if she was cheating on me. Then I was asked how I felt at that very moment. They were all a 100% match.

 

So what's the point now?

[Moose]

And your wife would leave? Where would she go? I won't bother you with the legalities of divorce as I imagine you have looked into all of that in your state.

 

So we are back to religion.

Probably her Mom and Dad. She's already broken the, "Cardinal" rule and told her parents all about are situation. To me....that's just wrong and I almost booted her out then...

[oldguy]

So we are back to religion then?

[wuggle]

I can't give her half the house....unless I want another job which I don't.

 

But you said you love her so much you would give your life for her ??

[Moose]

But you said you love her so much you would give your life for her ??

Of course I would. I have control of that. The house is another issue. Are you saying I should quit my job so that we'd both have to find another alternative?

[wuggle]

I have control of that.

 

This is key to both who you are and what your problem is.

 

Your control is an illusion. Your wife I suspect has grown up enough to start realising this after all these years.

 

You have not.

 

Divorce her.

 

Grow up.

[oldguy]

This is key to both who you are and what your problem is.

 

Your control is an illusion. Your wife I suspect has grown up enough to start realising this after all these years.

 

You have not.

 

Divorce her.

 

Grow up.

 

But there is the religious factor. You can't dismiss someones faith.

[Moose]

This is key to both who you are and what your problem is.

 

Your control is an illusion. Your wife I suspect has grown up enough to start realising this after all these years.

 

You have not.

 

Divorce her.

 

Grow up.

Oh, "wise" one...thanks! (NOT)

[wuggle]

Oh, "wise" one...thanks! (NOT)

 

There is wisdom in my advice but I suspect it will be many years before you grow up enough to accept it. When you do, realise that I bear you no malice. Good luck.

[Moose]

But there is the religious factor. You can't dismiss someones faith.

Exactly. She grew up in Christian home. I left home at 15 years of age because of physical abuse and sexual assault. I admit I brought baggage into this marriage. She knew all of this before hand.

 

I've changed sooo much but it's still not enough. I'm sick over this and don't know how I'll ever gain peace again...

[Moose]

There is wisdom in my advice but I suspect it will be many years before you grow up enough to accept it. When you do, realise that I bear you no malice. Good luck.

Again, you haven't a clue about what I've done to release said, "control"!

 

NEVER in the entire 24 years have I told her she could or couldn't in any way shape or form. The main control I did have WAS the money and there WAS a rational reason for that.

[wuggle]

Again, you haven't a clue about what I've done to release said, "control"!

 

True, i do not. Is it enough though ? I suspect she doesn't think so.

 

NEVER in the entire 24 years have I told her she could or couldn't in any way shape or form. The main control I did have WAS the money and there WAS a rational reason for that.

 

Is there still a rational reason for controlling 'the money' ? or could you give her the half of everything to which she is entitled ?

[oldguy]

Where are we going from here?

[Moose]

True, i do not. Is it enough though ? I suspect she doesn't think so.

Would you think total control would be enough? Personally, I don't think so. Then she would just be bored again, and I would be a robot trying to please her over and over... It's a good question, how much control should she have. I guarentee you it wouldn't match my idea, so this could be a trap...

Is there still a rational reason for controlling 'the money' ? or could you give her the half of everything to which she is entitled ?

Define your deifinition of, "entitlement" and I can answer that one more to your liking.

 

To give you a hint, however... everything we have and share belongs to both of us, (house not included) without her having to lift a finger other than running the household that was agreed upon more than 24 years ago...

[Moose]

Where are we going from here?

Good question. I don't know....

[whichwayisup]

Ok, I posted my situation in the marriage and life partner section. Long story short, I've been married for going on 25 years and have come a long ways in changing my habits, being more attentive to my wife's needs and wants.

 

It's all come to a head. She says that I need to change more, she's not happy. So now I've been going to counceling, alone because she believes she doesn't need it. It's been 4 months.

 

She has said plain and simple, "I'm not working on this anymore it's all up to you". So....during my counceling I've discovered that even though I'm not perfect, my wife also has problems of her own.

 

In fact, it's emotional abuse and this is coming from a Christian Councelor.

 

NOW, I know that God literally HATES divorce. However, in my view I believe abuse is cause for divorce. IF we both being believers work on the marriage together, God can repair it.

 

BUT, since I'm the only one willing to quit my habits, (drinking, smoking) and to seek guidance yet my wife is ignoring the problem and refuses to go to counceling etc....

 

In your opinion, is this cause for divorce?

 

I can't live like this anymore, and I don't feel I should have to. I love her dearly and would give my life in exchange for hers. But I'm hurt, angry, concerned, feelings of guilt overwhelm me, it's affecting every area of my life!!!

 

I can't work on myself with this going on anymore!!!!

 

Love ya Moosey, but here's the reality from where I see things..Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong.. Your wife loves and cares about you as the father of her children but the husband/wife part of the marriage is gone. She has no respect for you, she makes you jump through hoops, wants you to do all the changes and compromising, all the meanwhile she sits and does whatever she wants, when she wants and expects you to put up with her and shut up.

 

You are dying inside, she's killing you. Fact! You're unhappy and it's time for the divorce to happen.

 

I'm not religious, but ask yourself if God would want you to stay with someone who treats you like she has for xx amount of years? Why would he want you to do ALL the bending and changing while she does nothing to make things better/work on herself/marriage too?

 

Your kids.. They know more than you realize and they WILL understand. Love them, and talk to them, with your wife there too and just explain that everybody is unhappy and it's time for a change.

 

You and your wife will always be connected - Have respect for one another as "mom and dad", put the kids first and make that number one. Hope your wife is on board with that too..

 

Infact, you two may be 'friends' on some level once the dust settles and everybody gets used to things as time goes on.

 

Hope this helps.

[whichwayisup]

But there is the religious factor. You can't dismiss someones faith.

 

Yes but at what cost? This guy is suffering and will continue to suffer if he stays. He has to divorce or have a legal separation.

 

As I said before, I'm not religious (so maybe I am completely way off base here) but why on earth would God want someone to stay in a marriage and work his/her ass off, put in 100% when the other person is basically doing nothing and not putting ANY effort in.

 

This is why people dive into depression. It's no way to live - And that's a fact.

[KathyM]

I haven't read all the posts in the thread, but just to answer the OPs original question, God only considers infidelity to be cause for divorce. Not emotional abuse, not alcoholism, not anything else. You are right that God hates divorce. He expects you to work on these other issues and to make your marriage work. I'm sure your wife has her problems, but if you are an alcoholic, then you are a major contributor to the problems in your marriage. I would suggest you continue with the counseling yourself and work out your problems of alcohol addiction, and when your wife sees that you have the motivation to change, she'll come around. As long as that huge elephant is in the room (alcoholism), she's not that motivated to chase after the smaller stuff.