Divorce?

[johan]

I doubt she really wants you to change at this point. She knows exactly what you're capable of, how you respond to things, and that there is no change coming. At least, not while you're married to her. It would be better to take the band-aid off and get her to drop the idea that change should even be a goal. It's time to start being realistic.

[oldguy]

Yes but at what cost? This guy is suffering and will continue to suffer if he stays. He has to divorce or have a legal separation.

 

As I said before, I'm not religious (so maybe I am completely way off base here) but why on earth would God want someone to stay in a marriage and work his/her ass off, put in 100% when the other person is basically doing nothing and not putting ANY effort in.

 

This is why people dive into depression. It's no way to live - And that's a fact.

 

The cost is to be determined & the easy thing is to suppose all peoples values, reasons & circumstance is the same, it is not. Moose sees the obvious but is battling with HIS set of rules or rather his Christian beliefs. I have no interest in attempting to change that but to help him work within that framework if possible. Depression is another subject generally devoid of faith or passion while in it.

 

I'm also interested in the other side of the story a bit. At this point it is difficult to believe this woman is completely souless & devoid of merit. Something always sets behavior onto a particular course & since I trust the same two people who fell madly in love 24 years ago and had 6 children together are not the same two people who are now on the brink of divorce. I'm curious; what happen & when?

Edited February 10, 2012 by oldguy

[LadyGrey]

Moose, in your other thread you said you were an alcoholic and you said you are deeply religious and from reading your threads, you seem unwilling to bend and change for your wife and vice versa and no I don't know the history of your marriage but I do know a bit about alcoholics as my father was one.

 

Do you realize being deeply religious and being an alcoholic can not coincide, right? Also you should read this over at marriage builders. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

 

The following part in particular, "Some people wonder if they are really alcoholics. They may not go to bars, and they may not even get drunk very often. What is an alcoholic? My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol. If your drinking in any form bothers your spouse, and you cannot or will not give it up for his or her sake, I consider you an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to you than the feelings of your spouse."

 

The reason I choose that part is because you said you don't get falling down drunk, well that doesn't really matter. Living with an alcoholic is NO FUN and if your wife has put up with that aspect of you all these years, then she has a great amount of resentment for you and rightly so.

[Scottdmw]

I wonder, when you got married did you take the usual vow before God of “for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad till death do us part. . . .?”

 

This would be one of the bad times that you were talking about.

 

Your situation sounds really tough. I'm sure it feels overwhelming and impossible to solve. You probably feel like there is nothing you can do to make it better except leave.

 

I would start though, with your assumption that Christ wouldn’t want you in a position that is hurting you. Christianity is not that easy of a religion. Look at the history, how many martyrs have there been? How many people persecuted for their beliefs? Did Jesus himself avoid situations that would hurt him? In fact, for the Christian, God OFTEN calls people to be in situations and positions that are EXTREMELY harmful, because it's the right thing to do. We are not put in this world to be safe or comfortable or have the most fun we can, we’re put here to try to carry out God’s plan and help others.

 

When you get married and especially when you have children, it becomes no longer about what is good for you. It's what is good for you, but also and moreso what is good for your wife and your children. It's not right to take the easy way out to help yourself if your wife and children suffer as a result of it.

 

Many people say that children are better off if their parents get divorced rather than live together unhappy. I think in most cases this is 100% rationalization. There are many studies that prove that children are better off with intact families. Sure, if abuse is bad enough, it could be true, but the kind of stuff you're talking about just doesn't rise to that level in my opinion.

 

Believe it or not, your wife also does need your help right now. How to help her is not easy. There is no easy solution at this point, unfortunately. That's why divorce always looks like the best option, it's a clear-cut course of action that can create a great change quickly, and people like to be able to take quick and decisive action. But, it doesn't necessarily solve any problems and most definitely creates others.

 

I would like to believe that if I was in your situation (and I'm not of course) I would choose to remain in the marriage and continue to try to work on the relationship, no matter how difficult it was and no matter how long it took, even if it took the rest of my life and never really resolved all that well. I would put that relationship above my own good, for the good of the children and my wife.

 

I know that's difficult advice to hear, and who knows maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's my view of it anyway.

 

Keep in mind too, being single isn't all that great either. You've been married a long time, it's always easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side. If you give up this relationship you have now, the likelihood is you will never replace it with anything similarly long-lasting. Instead, you will probably go from one relatively short-lived relationship to another, as you look for fulfillment and happiness from other people making you happy. In each case you will spend relatively long periods of time searching, eventually falling in love with someone, and spend a few months or a couple of years together, only to separate from that relationship as well when the problems inevitably start, as they do in ALL relationships. Having once given up on a long-term relationship, it will be much easier to do it the second and third times. That's why the divorce rate is so much higher among those who have been divorced once before. There will not be anyone at the end of your life that really knew you for a long time, with whom you shared a history and a life together. If you want those things, your wife may well be the only option you have.

 

I know that is very hard advice. I think that many people really want to give you the other advice—the “get divorced now” advice, because it's so much easier to give and to hear.

 

If you want concrete advice for now I would say this. Keep trying to work on your problems and solve the relationship problems, but don't make it the whole focus of your life. Don’t make your wife your “problem” to solve. Remember you CAN be happy in the current situation if you change your thinking on what is required for happiness. Put your energy and attention into your children and continue trying to give them the best upbringing you can. Also, take some time for yourself. Start a new hobby or interest that will really add happiness to your week. Sometimes if you focus too much on fixing a relationship it's counterproductive.

 

Best wishes whatever you decide,

 

Scott

[Moose]

Love ya Moosey, but here's the reality from where I see things..Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong.. Your wife loves and cares about you as the father of her children but the husband/wife part of the marriage is gone. She has no respect for you, she makes you jump through hoops, wants you to do all the changes and compromising, all the meanwhile she sits and does whatever she wants, when she wants and expects you to put up with her and shut up.

 

You are dying inside, she's killing you. Fact! You're unhappy and it's time for the divorce to happen.

 

I'm not religious, but ask yourself if God would want you to stay with someone who treats you like she has for xx amount of years? Why would he want you to do ALL the bending and changing while she does nothing to make things better/work on herself/marriage too?

 

Your kids.. They know more than you realize and they WILL understand. Love them, and talk to them, with your wife there too and just explain that everybody is unhappy and it's time for a change.

 

You and your wife will always be connected - Have respect for one another as "mom and dad", put the kids first and make that number one. Hope your wife is on board with that too..

 

Infact, you two may be 'friends' on some level once the dust settles and everybody gets used to things as time goes on.

 

Hope this helps.

Thanks WWIU. You've always had a way to connect with how I feel. I value that!

[Moose]

I haven't read all the posts in the thread, but just to answer the OPs original question, God only considers infidelity to be cause for divorce. Not emotional abuse, not alcoholism, not anything else. You are right that God hates divorce. He expects you to work on these other issues and to make your marriage work. I'm sure your wife has her problems, but if you are an alcoholic, then you are a major contributor to the problems in your marriage. I would suggest you continue with the counseling yourself and work out your problems of alcohol addiction, and when your wife sees that you have the motivation to change, she'll come around. As long as that huge elephant is in the room (alcoholism), she's not that motivated to chase after the smaller stuff.

Yes, I am an alcoholic. Doesn't mean that I drink. A couple of members challenged me on this and so I quit.

 

I will always be an alcoholic, I can't change that. However, since I have dried up, nothing has changed. Granted, it's only been 2 months since I went on the wagon....it may take more time....I just don't know and at this point, I don't care.

[Moose]

Thanks. Your post really gave me some insight to some things I haven't thought of before and it looks like you've put some great effort into it.

 

Thank you!

[climbergirl]

I don't want to go into the money aspect because I think it's wiser at this point for advice to focus on saving the marriage as opposed to working on a divorce. It sounds to me that you want to spend your energy giving all you have until there is no other option than to divorce. Am I right?

 

But the thing is, you can't save this marriage all by yourself. What has happened that she is so stubborn that she doesn't feel she needs to work at it too? Did she feel that, at one point, that she did all the work and you didn't and now it's your turn?

 

Fact is, if whatever happened in the past has left her with no energy to do her part to make this marriage work she should just end it. I think it's unfair to continually harp on you to change when you are clearly trying.

 

Forgive me if I missed this, but have you asked her right out if she wants to end the marriage. Does she say that her faith the only thing that is making her stay?

 

And just for the record, I believe God wants us to be happy and to make others happy. I believe that if she has the faith as you do, that she would be doing her part to make you happy as well and not emotionally torture you.

 

I know this has got to be difficult and my prayers go out to you...

[KathyM]

I wonder, when you got married did you take the usual vow before God of “for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad till death do us part. . . .?”

 

This would be one of the bad times that you were talking about.

 

Your situation sounds really tough. I'm sure it feels overwhelming and impossible to solve. You probably feel like there is nothing you can do to make it better except leave.

 

I would start though, with your assumption that Christ wouldn’t want you in a position that is hurting you. Christianity is not that easy of a religion. Look at the history, how many martyrs have there been? How many people persecuted for their beliefs? Did Jesus himself avoid situations that would hurt him? In fact, for the Christian, God OFTEN calls people to be in situations and positions that are EXTREMELY harmful, because it's the right thing to do. We are not put in this world to be safe or comfortable or have the most fun we can, we’re put here to try to carry out God’s plan and help others.

 

When you get married and especially when you have children, it becomes no longer about what is good for you. It's what is good for you, but also and moreso what is good for your wife and your children. It's not right to take the easy way out to help yourself if your wife and children suffer as a result of it.

 

Many people say that children are better off if their parents get divorced rather than live together unhappy. I think in most cases this is 100% rationalization. There are many studies that prove that children are better off with intact families. Sure, if abuse is bad enough, it could be true, but the kind of stuff you're talking about just doesn't rise to that level in my opinion.

 

Believe it or not, your wife also does need your help right now. How to help her is not easy. There is no easy solution at this point, unfortunately. That's why divorce always looks like the best option, it's a clear-cut course of action that can create a great change quickly, and people like to be able to take quick and decisive action. But, it doesn't necessarily solve any problems and most definitely creates others.

 

I would like to believe that if I was in your situation (and I'm not of course) I would choose to remain in the marriage and continue to try to work on the relationship, no matter how difficult it was and no matter how long it took, even if it took the rest of my life and never really resolved all that well. I would put that relationship above my own good, for the good of the children and my wife.

 

I know that's difficult advice to hear, and who knows maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's my view of it anyway.

 

Keep in mind too, being single isn't all that great either. You've been married a long time, it's always easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side. If you give up this relationship you have now, the likelihood is you will never replace it with anything similarly long-lasting. Instead, you will probably go from one relatively short-lived relationship to another, as you look for fulfillment and happiness from other people making you happy. In each case you will spend relatively long periods of time searching, eventually falling in love with someone, and spend a few months or a couple of years together, only to separate from that relationship as well when the problems inevitably start, as they do in ALL relationships. Having once given up on a long-term relationship, it will be much easier to do it the second and third times. That's why the divorce rate is so much higher among those who have been divorced once before. There will not be anyone at the end of your life that really knew you for a long time, with whom you shared a history and a life together. If you want those things, your wife may well be the only option you have.

 

I know that is very hard advice. I think that many people really want to give you the other advice—the “get divorced now” advice, because it's so much easier to give and to hear.

 

If you want concrete advice for now I would say this. Keep trying to work on your problems and solve the relationship problems, but don't make it the whole focus of your life. Don’t make your wife your “problem” to solve. Remember you CAN be happy in the current situation if you change your thinking on what is required for happiness. Put your energy and attention into your children and continue trying to give them the best upbringing you can. Also, take some time for yourself. Start a new hobby or interest that will really add happiness to your week. Sometimes if you focus too much on fixing a relationship it's counterproductive.

 

Best wishes whatever you decide,

 

Scott

That's good advice. Divorce is not going to fix the problem for you. The problems will just be brought into your next relationship. Your part of what went wrong in your marriage will be brought into your next relationship and have the same effect. A wise pastor once told me, when I asked him "Wouldn't God want us to be happy?" "Wouldn't God rather we live in peace without our spouse, instead of fighting and miserable in our marriage?" His advice was that God hates divorce. He expects us to weather whatever storms come in our marriage, and not give up, with the exception of infidelity, which breaks the covenant of marriage. God expects us to make peace with our spouse, and to keep working on it, regardless of how difficult it is. He created marriage to be a permanent bond. One that is not to be broken, no matter that the going gets tough.

[Moose]

I don't want to go into the money aspect because I think it's wiser at this point for advice to focus on saving the marriage as opposed to working on a divorce. It sounds to me that you want to spend your energy giving all you have until there is no other option than to divorce. Am I right?

Well sure. And I'm getting close to having no more energy...

 

But the thing is, you can't save this marriage all by yourself. What has happened that she is so stubborn that she doesn't feel she needs to work at it too? Did she feel that, at one point, that she did all the work and you didn't and now it's your turn?

Yes, she has expressed that. It's as if the changes I had made throughout the years are now null and void, and more change is required for her to even consider sticking with the marriage. Her own words were, "Once Tristan is out and on her own, I am too"...

 

Fact is, if whatever happened in the past has left her with no energy to do her part to make this marriage work she should just end it. I think it's unfair to continually harp on you to change when you are clearly trying.

That's my thought too.

 

Forgive me if I missed this, but have you asked her right out if she wants to end the marriage. Does she say that her faith the only thing that is making her stay?

"You do your thing, and I'll do my thing until the kids are gone"... That's no way for me to live. It's like hanging a steak out of the reach of a starving man.

 

And just for the record, I believe God wants us to be happy and to make others happy. I believe that if she has the faith as you do, that she would be doing her part to make you happy as well and not emotionally torture you.

 

I know this has got to be difficult and my prayers go out to you...

Thank you! I totally agree!

[KathyM]

Moose, in your other thread you said you were an alcoholic and you said you are deeply religious and from reading your threads, you seem unwilling to bend and change for your wife and vice versa and no I don't know the history of your marriage but I do know a bit about alcoholics as my father was one.

 

Do you realize being deeply religious and being an alcoholic can not coincide, right? Also you should read this over at marriage builders. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

 

The following part in particular, "Some people wonder if they are really alcoholics. They may not go to bars, and they may not even get drunk very often. What is an alcoholic? My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol. If your drinking in any form bothers your spouse, and you cannot or will not give it up for his or her sake, I consider you an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to you than the feelings of your spouse."

 

The reason I choose that part is because you said you don't get falling down drunk, well that doesn't really matter. Living with an alcoholic is NO FUN and if your wife has put up with that aspect of you all these years, then she has a great amount of resentment for you and rightly so.

I agree with what you said, except that it is possible for someone who is very religious to also be struggling with an addiction. Christians are not perfect, they are sinners. They all have their struggles to deal with. I know there are several people in the churches I have belonged to over the years who have struggled greatly with addictions, be it alcohol, drugs, porn, food, or any other type of addiction. These were people who were very spiritual and seeking strength to fight their addictions. Several of the churches I've belonged to have meetings and programs for those that struggle with addictions. God understands that we are weak. We struggle. We are sinners. He also expects us to turn from our sin, and wants to help us to do that. He doesn't give up on those who are struggling.

 

Having an addiction does not mean that you are not a Christian. My father was a faithful Christian all his life. He also struggled with an alcohol addiction for most of his life, but was able to let it go eventually after he retired, and was alcohol-free for the last 25 years of his life. Keep working on fighting this addiction, going to counseling, working on yourself to be a better husband and a better person. You can't change someone else, but you can change yourself, and when you do that, I think you'll find that she will as well. You also have to make the effort to build back the positives in your marriage. Right now, the negatives, such as the alcoholism, have done serious damage to it. You need to build your marriage back up if you want it to work. Positive actions, such as making the effort to connect verbally, physically and emotionally, are what will gradually build back the feelings you both have lost for each other. Don't wait for her to make the effort--you need to make the effort, and she will eventually follow when she sees that you are serious about overcoming your addiction and improving your marriage.

[climbergirl]

That's good advice. Divorce is not going to fix the problem for you. The problems will just be brought into your next relationship. Your part of what went wrong in your marriage will be brought into your next relationship and have the same effect. A wise pastor once told me, when I asked him "Wouldn't God want us to be happy?" "Wouldn't God rather we live in peace without our spouse, instead of fighting and miserable in our marriage?" His advice was that God hates divorce. He expects us to weather whatever storms come in our marriage, and not give up, with the exception of infidelity, which breaks the covenant of marriage. God expects us to make peace with our spouse, and to keep working on it, regardless of how difficult it is. He created marriage to be a permanent bond. One that is not to be broken, no matter that the going gets tough.

 

 

I am not sure I agree with this. Yes, fidelity is one part of the vows, but how about to 'have and to hold, to love and to cherish, through good times and bad'. These are all words that we promise to each other and to God.

 

Moose is upholding his end of the vows and, from what he just posted, his wife is not and has already said she is done.

 

Even infidelity can be overcome if there is still love in a marriage. This isn't the case here...she has put up an infinate cement wall by stating that she intends to leave once the youngest is out of the house.

 

If there isn't love in a marriage, even from one person, what is there to fight for?

[KathyM]

Yes, I am an alcoholic. Doesn't mean that I drink. A couple of members challenged me on this and so I quit.

 

I will always be an alcoholic, I can't change that. However, since I have dried up, nothing has changed. Granted, it's only been 2 months since I went on the wagon....it may take more time....I just don't know and at this point, I don't care.

Things are not going to change overnight in your relationship. Two months time is not very long. Your wife does not know if this sobriety will last. Only time will tell her that. It took years for you both to get to the low place in your marriage that you are at now. It's not going to suddenly go to the extreme. You not only need to show, with time, that you have changed, but you also need to start building back the positives in your relationship that years of mistreatment by the both of you have damaged. As I said in another post (that is apparently being reviewed for content by the moderators at the moment ), you need to start engaging in positive interactions with your wife, even if she doesn't do the same at this point. Positive interactions, both verbally, physically and emotionally, is what you need to start engaging in, regardless of her response. You have to make the effort, and not wait for your wife to do it. When she sees that you are serious about abandoning the addiction and improving your relationship, she will be more inclined to come around. And if you haven't already done so, give her that heartfelt apology from you for your part in undermining the marriage. She needs to hear that. Don't expect her to give the same--don't demand or require her to give the same or take accountability for her part. Just apologize for yourself as sincerely as you can. I think an apology goes a long way to repair a marriage when it doesn't have strings attached.

[LadyGrey]

Excuse me....... but if you are only a few months off the booze, your wife doesn't know yet if you are recovering or not and as I said, since you are a self admitted alcoholic your wife has years of resentment built up. I'm surprised that people keep ignoring this part of the equation as it is probably the root of the whole problem. Moose.......you've had a mistress, and her name is booze. You can't have two loves in your life and alcoholic's love their booze = which created resentment. Add in the part about you controlling the purse strings and not giving your wife equal ownership of your home on paper, I'd say your wife has felt quite powerless. Your drinking has damaged the relationship greatly and if you don't acknowledge what just that ONE thing has done, you will never start to heal things with your wife. You both are stuck and have great resentment for each other but I really believe that if you address the damage you and the booze have made, then you can start to move on and get better.

[Moose]

I think an apology goes a long way to repair a marriage when it doesn't have strings attached.

What in the world do I have to apologize for??!!

 

We've been married 24 years. She knew who and what I was from day 1. I went from a hippy on dope drinking a case a day to a professional making great money and maybe....MAYBE 4 beers a weekend....I made these changes first for her, then for myself when it should have been the other way around!

 

She hasn't worked from day 1, I have held 3 jobs at once just to make ends meet raising the kids...

 

Now you're saying I have to apologize that she wants me to change MORE?

[GorillaTheater]

Hey Moose, I remember reading some of your stuff when I first came to LS. Big congrats on your sobriety!

 

The "control" issue you batted around with Wuggle got me to thinking. Just as some quick background which may be relevant: I've been married for 28 years, no infidelity, a bunch of kids, and some fairly recent marital problems which may, possibly, be on their way to some kind of resolution.

 

I was feeling that my wife was distancing herself from me. Emotionally and physically. Put me in quite a funk until I realized that the heart of the matter was "control". I let the state of the relationship and her attitudes towards me control my emotional and mental state. My wanting her to change those attitudes was a control issue in its own right. My desire to control the situation, and my willingness to let the situation control me, just made the situation worse. Pretty much a death spiral if left unchecked.

 

I did quite a bit of reading. Here and at sites like "Talk About Marriage", "Married Man's Sex Life", " No More Mr. Nice Guy", "Marriage Builders", and elsewhere. Although at times contradictory, the bottom line seemed to be the same: I have no control over how my wife feels about anything, nor any real control over the situation. The only thing I have any control over is myself. And that whatever happens, I can handle it.

 

So I worked on myself. Became physically fitter, controlled my anger and fears, worked on my tendency to put things off, and began to devote considerably more effort to learn more about my wife. At the same time, if my wife did or said something that crossed the boundaries I finally learned to draw for myself, I calmly and coolly called her out on them. And realized that the ultimate results of my efforts were entirely out of my hands but whatever they were, I could handle it.

 

Lo and behold, after not a small amount of push-back and testing from my wife, things are much improved in my marriage (and with my kids, as a side-effect of working on myself). But it never ends. I'll always need to work on myself and my part in the marriage, which is exactly as it should be.

 

Work on yourself. Calmly lead the marriage. Your wife will either follow or she won't. And if she doesn't, you can handle it.

[KathyM]

I am not sure I agree with this. Yes, fidelity is one part of the vows, but how about to 'have and to hold, to love and to cherish, through good times and bad'. These are all words that we promise to each other and to God.

 

Moose is upholding his end of the vows and, from what he just posted, his wife is not and has already said she is done.

 

Even infidelity can be overcome if there is still love in a marriage. This isn't the case here...she has put up an infinate cement wall by stating that she intends to leave once the youngest is out of the house.

 

If there isn't love in a marriage, even from one person, what is there to fight for?

Love comes and goes in a marriage. Love can be rebuilt in a marriage, but it takes one of the parties in the relationship to make the effort to start the rebuilding process. His wife has said she will leave the marriage after the children are gone, but even the strongest wall can be broken when one party sees that the other is serious about reconciling and putting in the effort to make it work. I know a couple who were in the situation that the OP is, minus the alcohol. All love was gone. Wife said as soon as the children are grown, she's leaving, and she did. For seven months. But they ended up reconciling when one of the parties put away their pride, stopped waiting for the other spouse to change, and made the effort to change herself. Until they are divorced, there is still hope. I even know a couple who were divorced for a few years, where the husband had an addiction to painkillers, and the wife felt she could no longer stay with him. She was a very religious woman, but she felt she had no choice but to leave. Three years after the divorce, she went back to him, because she wanted to do the right thing by God, and they are now happily remarried. God can and does work with you to save your marriage. He wants it to work. God can change even the hardest of hearts. So my suggestion to the OP would be to continue your sobriety, make the effort to reconnect with your wife, make the heartfelt apology and take accountability for your actions without expectations that your wife will do the same, and pray for God's help to soften your wife's heart, and lead her back to you. Years of alcohol abuse has hardened your wife's heart against you. It's not going to change back overnight.

[2sunny]

Exactly. She grew up in Christian home. I left home at 15 years of age because of physical abuse and sexual assault. I admit I brought baggage into this marriage. She knew all of this before hand.

 

I've changed sooo much but it's still not enough. I'm sick over this and don't know how I'll ever gain peace again...

 

So you chose exactly what you were familiar with - your comfort zone = abuse.

 

Not surprising.

 

So now you don't want it. That's healthy!

 

Change will be good!

 

Faith is much different than religion! You may be religious - but no building can provide me the "faith" I find on my own.

 

Big difference!

 

I DO believe God intends for everyone to find their way to be happy - and I doubt it's by living with abuse.

 

For that reason alone - there is good reason to change everything.

 

She will go on to find a new man to abuse... It's predictable. She will always seek out a willing victim - IF you don't intend to be the victim any longer - you should leave.

[KathyM]

What in the world do I have to apologize for??!!

 

We've been married 24 years. She knew who and what I was from day 1. I went from a hippy on dope drinking a case a day to a professional making great money and maybe....MAYBE 4 beers a weekend....I made these changes first for her, then for myself when it should have been the other way around!

 

She hasn't worked from day 1, I have held 3 jobs at once just to make ends meet raising the kids...

 

Now you're saying I have to apologize that she wants me to change MORE?

You should apologize for your part in the damage done to your marriage. Your alcoholism damaged your marriage. She may have known that was who you were when you married her. That doesn't change the fact that it did damage to your marriage. Be willing to own that without pointing the finger at your wife. The more you accuse her and blame her for her stuff, the harder that wall she has built up will become. You need to humble yourself and put down the weapon. Apologize for your part in this without expecting anything in return.

[2sunny]

You should apologize for your part in the damage done to your marriage. Your alcoholism damaged your marriage. She may have known that was who you were when you married her. That doesn't change the fact that it did damage to your marriage. Be willing to own that without pointing the finger at your wife. The more you accuse her and blame her for her stuff, the harder that wall she has built up will become. You need to humble yourself and put down the weapon. Apologize for your part in this without expecting anything in return.

 

I disagree. I think the apology is to himself! He needs to amend his behavior with his wife.

 

Stop allowing her to treat you as her cash cow. Require HER to participate in the M by having her obtain work and provide an income.

 

Start respecting self by NOT allowing her to be abusive to you.

 

On a side note - start checking to see if she's having an affair.

[Moose]

I disagree. I think the apology is to himself! He needs to amend his behavior with his wife.

 

Stop allowing her to treat you as her cash cow. Require HER to participate in the M by having her obtain work and provide an income.

 

Start respecting self by NOT allowing her to be abusive to you.

 

On a side note - start checking to see if she's having an affair.

Been there, done that. She has 32 single men on her FB account. All she does all day long is the laundry and FB, FB, FB.....oh....takes naps and snacks, then FB, FB, FB...and it's all public!

 

She currently has 3 guys that she chats with constantly. This is her, "addiction". Yes, I have confronted her about and boy....the only other person I've seen "BLOWN UP" like she did was my step dad.

 

I think she's checked out a long time ago, but for the sake of the kids she's staying....I don't know if I can handle just being roomates for four years. She's beautiful, and sexy and I don't know if I can handle losing her.

 

The pain and feelings I have right now is the same pain and feelings I would have if I had found out she cheated on me. So what's the difference?

[GorillaTheater]

Been there, done that. She has 32 single men on her FB account. All she does all day long is the laundry and FB, FB, FB.....oh....takes naps and snacks, then FB, FB, FB...and it's all public!

 

She currently has 3 guys that she chats with constantly. This is her, "addiction". Yes, I have confronted her about and boy....the only other person I've seen "BLOWN UP" like she did was my step dad.

 

I think she's checked out a long time ago, but for the sake of the kids she's staying....I don't know if I can handle just being roomates for four years. She's beautiful, and sexy and I don't know if I can handle losing her.

 

The pain and feelings I have right now is the same pain and feelings I would have if I had found out she cheated on me. So what's the difference?

 

That would be enough for me to put divorce on the table. And while I was deciding one way or the other, I'd cancel the internet.

[Moose]

Thanks man! I am working on myself. But this time, for me. I'm going to have to be selfish this way. And if she doesn't like it, and sticks to her guns about leaving.....I'm not waiting 4 years.

[Moose]

That would be enough for me to put divorce on the table. And while I was deciding one way or the other, I'd cancel the internet.

Exactly. Why is it that my alcoholism is always the focus when her vices are ignored? Cutting off the internet wouldn't work either....she has an iphone through her brother that she uses as well.

 

I'm telling you guys the truth, from the second I get home to the time she goes to bed she is either on the laptop on FB or chatting on FB with her phone and I've even went to bed while she has her earplugs in....chatting with whomever....

 

I clean the house every night, dishes and all. She does laundry, shopping, fixing meals, and that's pretty much it. The rest of waking moments is on FB....

[2sunny]

So tell her to move this weekend.

 

Tell her as a demand, not a request.