Author Moose Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 So tell her to move this weekend. Tell her as a demand, not a request.Are you being sarcastic? It's hard to tell.... Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 So tell her to move this weekend. Tell her as a demand, not a request. And what grounds does he have to throw her out of her own house??? You must be kidding, right? In none of your posts do you acknowledge what the booze has done to the relationship and most are forgetting there are two sides to this story. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Exactly. Why is it that my alcoholism is always the focus when her vices are ignored? Cutting off the internet wouldn't work either....she has an iphone through her brother that she uses as well. I'm telling you guys the truth, from the second I get home to the time she goes to bed she is either on the laptop on FB or chatting on FB with her phone and I've even went to bed while she has her earplugs in....chatting with whomever.... I clean the house every night, dishes and all. She does laundry, shopping, fixing meals, and that's pretty much it. The rest of waking moments is on FB.... Quit paying the fees for the phone. Maybe it's infidelity, maybe not. But it sure as hell doesn't pass the smell test, and it shouldn't happen on your dime. What is she going to do? Go thermonuclear? Yell? Threaten to leave? No problem, show her the door and offer to help her pack. Divorce? Like I said, and based on what I hear you saying, it should be on the table. And your wife should be made aware of that. But, and this is just my opinion, I don't think you should pull the trigger yet. It's your life and your call, and you won't be wrong regardless of which way you go, but I think you need to wait until you've made your stand, taken some firm action, and given her some time to chew on that. Like someone else said, your marriage didn't get in it's current shape overnight, and it'll take a while to see what effect your changes may have. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 And what grounds does he have to throw her out of her own house??? You must be kidding, right? In none of your posts do you acknowledge what the booze has done to the relationship and most are forgetting there are two sides to this story. The house is in his name only. Since she doesn't participate as a wife and mother - he should tell her she is free to do what she prefers... Which is spend all day and night focusing on FB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 And what grounds does he have to throw her out of her own house??? You must be kidding, right? In none of your posts do you acknowledge what the booze has done to the relationship and most are forgetting there are two sides to this story.I'm going to go out on a limb here....have you been hurt in the past by an alcoholic? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I'm going to go out on a limb here....have you been hurt in the past by an alcoholic? Of course, lol, my father was an alcoholic among other bad things. Does knowing that, disqualify me from having maybe some valuable input? Sorry to keep harping on you, but it's the elephant in the room that other posters are glossing over. Did you know many experts consider living with an alcoholic abusive? Why.......the priority is the booze, she is the mistress. You've neglected her with your mistress, probably mistreated her badly. I don't know........maybe she has done the same to you prior and yes now she is doing it to you now with her fb addiction and your wife has checked out of your marriage. Her facebook is an escape from you and her life and her unhappiness with you and herself. Maybe she is just so pissed off at you that she doesn't care and it's too late. You want to fight for your marriage, I see that but you and her clearly need some professional help to uncover all the resentment on both of your parts. Neither one of you are happy, in fact it sounds quite miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 Of course, lol, my father was an alcoholic among other bad things. Does knowing that, disqualify me from having maybe some valuable input? Sorry to keep harping on you, but it's the elephant in the room that other posters are glossing over. Did you know many experts consider living with an alcoholic abusive? Why.......the priority is the booze, she is the mistress. You've neglected her with your mistress, probably mistreated her badly. I don't know........maybe she has done the same to you prior and yes now she is doing it to you now with her fb addiction and your wife has checked out of your marriage. Her facebook is an escape from you and her life and her unhappiness with you and herself. Maybe she is just so pissed off at you that she doesn't care and it's too late. You want to fight for your marriage, I see that but you and her clearly need some professional help to uncover all the resentment on both of your parts. Neither one of you are happy, in fact it sounds quite miserable.It doesn't dis-qualify your input....not at all. And I agree about professional help....I've been going for 4 months now. My wife refuses. "I'm not the one who has a problem, and I've told you before that I'm done. It's up to you"..... What I do have a problem with is that my alcoholism is constantly being thrown in my face where my wife doesn't have a problem with me having a beer or even three a night. I just decided to quit because the members here talked me into it so it couldn't be used as ammunition. I would say that my work was more of my "mistress" than anything else. I work a good 10 hours a day at the office, and continue at my home office....I've stopped that as well and began leaving work, at work. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 The house is in his name only. Since she doesn't participate as a wife and mother - he should tell her she is free to do what she prefers... Which is spend all day and night focusing on FB. Sunny, come on........it doesn't matter if it is in his name only. She is his wife, entitled to part ownership if he is in the US and barring some prenuptial agreement. seriously........telling him to throw her out, over fb and he himself hasn't exactly been a model husband himself, now has he? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 So - she says she is done... So make it that way then. Things start changing when people are "done"... Yes? These changes WILL bring a different life her way. Start taking action on moving forward - I guarantee her "new life" that she wants - wont be including sitting on a computer all day every day. She may have to actually get a job! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Sunny, come on........it doesn't matter if it is in his name only. She is his wife, entitled to part ownership if he is in the US and barring some prenuptial agreement. seriously........telling him to throw her out, over fb and he himself hasn't exactly been a model husband himself, now has he? He is bound to owe her money, yes... But if she is done - then he may as well pay the price for his freedom. It does cost - yep - there is a price for everything... But it is always worth it if there is happiness and peace of mind on the other side! Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 It doesn't dis-qualify your input....not at all. And I agree about professional help....I've been going for 4 months now. My wife refuses. "I'm not the one who has a problem, and I've told you before that I'm done. It's up to you"..... What I do have a problem with is that my alcoholism is constantly being thrown in my face where my wife doesn't have a problem with me having a beer or even three a night. I just decided to quit because the members here talked me into it so it couldn't be used as ammunition. I would say that my work was more of my "mistress" than anything else. I work a good 10 hours a day at the office, and continue at my home office....I've stopped that as well and began leaving work, at work. It is going to take a long, long time and a lot of work for you both to get past all your resentments. Resentment for past wrongs eat love up. Maybe you should let her know how serious you are if it truly is intolerable, but if you are going to threaten divorce, you better be prepared to be ready to do it because frankly she doesn't act like she gives a crap but yet if she realizes that she has to give also and you won't tolerate it the way it is, it might wake her up. She has checked out and unless she gets a big enough shake up, she is not going to check back in. She doesn't want to, right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 It is going to take a long, long time and a lot of work for you both to get past all your resentments. Resentment for past wrongs eat love up. Maybe you should let her know how serious you are if it truly is intolerable, but if you are going to threaten divorce, you better be prepared to be ready to do it because frankly she doesn't act like she gives a crap but yet if she realizes that she has to give also and you won't tolerate it the way it is, it might wake her up. She has checked out and unless she gets a big enough shake up, she is not going to check back in. She doesn't want to, right now.Correction....it is going to take a long, long time for ME to get past all MY resentments. Remember....she's already checked out.... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Correction....it is going to take a long, long time for ME to get past all MY resentments. Remember....she's already checked out.... Ok... Now you're talking! What are YOU planning to do about letting go of YOUR resentments? I knew when I got past mine - because I felt completely NEUTRAL to him... My exH ( we were married 20 years) - I no longer was affected by what he WAS or WASN'T doing, saying etc! Complete neutrality is very freeing! I stopped handing HIM that much power over MY happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 What are YOU planning to do about letting go of YOUR resentments?Well, according to my councelor, seperate my feelings from hers and go about working on myself. Keep on keeping on so to speak and maybe she'll come around. My problem is that I'm not a very patient person. I want results. So that's an area of focus for me. But one has to ask theirselves, at what point or time do I decide it's over? Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Been there, done that. She has 32 single men on her FB account. She currently has 3 guys that she chats with constantly. This is her, "addiction". Yes, I have confronted her about and boy....the only other person I've seen "BLOWN UP" like she did was my step dad. I think she's checked out a long time ago, The pain and feelings I have right now is the same pain and feelings I would have if I had found out she cheated on me. So what's the difference? hey Moose....long time no type.... don't dismiss this FB friend thing. your questioning her....and her blow up....this stood out as a red flag to me. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Correction....it is going to take a long, long time for ME to get past all MY resentments. Remember....she's already checked out.... You misunderstood me, I did mean both of you and both of your resentments. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 hey Moose....long time no type.... don't dismiss this FB friend thing. your questioning her....and her blow up....this stood out as a red flag to me.HEY TMY!!! Yeah...I'm in denile over that....I know I shouldn't be. That should've been the deal breaker right there....and it very could still be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 You misunderstood me, I did mean both of you and both of your resentments. Yeah, I realized that AFTER I posted....lol....apologies!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 It's been a while since you've updated..Just wondering how you're doing and if things are better/worse at home? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 In your opinion, is this cause for divorce? IMO, responding only to the OP, the path described in the OP is or can be a path to divorce. No person is perfect and no marriage is perfect. If either partner chooses to believe differently, that is a choice, and with choice comes responsibility and consequences. OP, to be perfectly honest, if I were in your shoes, going to IC and making changes, I'd give my wife one opportunity to join me in MC. If she declined, I'd call my lawyer and serve her the next day. Done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 It's been a while since you've updated..Just wondering how you're doing and if things are better/worse at home?I'm hanging in there. Nothing has really changed with my wife's attitude. She is looking for a job now, but that's really only because I suggested that maybe she needs to spend some time outside of the home so she can gain a little more appreciation for what she does have, when she is at home....don't know if that was the right move or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 IMO, responding only to the OP, the path described in the OP is or can be a path to divorce. No person is perfect and no marriage is perfect. If either partner chooses to believe differently, that is a choice, and with choice comes responsibility and consequences. OP, to be perfectly honest, if I were in your shoes, going to IC and making changes, I'd give my wife one opportunity to join me in MC. If she declined, I'd call my lawyer and serve her the next day. Done.She's declined repeatedly. But at this point, I'm not getting a lawyer, I feel I need to focus on me for a while. If she wants to stay, fine. But the only thing I've asked from her is to be patient. The resentment that's been building over the past 24 years is going to take a looooong time to reverse. I'm willing to stick with it, and she does have the option to walk whenever she feels like it.... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Since you don't state a SOLID plan of ACTION - nothing will change. Being patient isn't the answer to get rid of resentments. Having a healthy boundary is. Having a plan that invokes change is best. How can you carry out a plan if you don't have an idea what the plan is? Get a plan man! Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I think he has a plan. He is turning inward and betting that she will ultimately decide divorce is not worth it. It's attrition. She doesn't have a lot to offer in the job market, so the cost of divorce to her will be higher than for most modern women. He's living the life that most anti-feminists yearn for. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I think he has a plan. He is turning inward and betting that she will ultimately decide divorce is not worth it. It's attrition. She doesn't have a lot to offer in the job market, so the cost of divorce to her will be higher than for most modern women. He's living the life that most anti-feminists yearn for. I don't know Johan.. it is what he is doing but the cost of divorce for her isn't really higher than most.. She raised the kids while being a SAHM and gave up her career or chance to have one to and as such she at her age would get quite the chunk in alimony .. if not all the way to her retirement age. What you might be seeing is him turning inward hoping she still wants the marriage because it will be pretty costly to him, financially, emotionally and otherwise. Moose.. I hope your still not drinking.. Remember though that being sober is more than not drinking, your thinking that has got to change too... Being a dry drunk isn't a pleasant road my friend.. you need to find out how to find some serenity on your road to sobriety and quitting because some people on LS think you can't won't do it.. I'm noticing tastes of self righteousness in you when you speak of your wife that honestly wouldn't be there if you were feeling better about your sobriety. I wish you the best Moose, I've been posting on this forum with you for years and think very highly of you and hope that you can turn this around into something bountiful for you both... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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