Please help me--how to stop obsessing about long distance guy?

[caddygirl]

Hi all

 

This is my first post, so be gentle please! I am currently in a very interesting relationship--cross country. I have known the guy I'm seeing for about a year, and in February we met for the first time (long story, we are both in the same profession & knew of eachother before). We really hit it off even before we met, we were talking every day for hours at a time. Since then, I have visited him twice in his hometown, and we have taken a trip together at least once a month, most recently last week.

 

The problem is he is 1.commitment phobic, and 2. extremely busy at this time of year. I am not as busy as he is, and it gives me way too much time to think about how things are going (not that well), and what he is up to while I'm not around. We are not seeing other people, and right now, I think I am more into him than he is into me. I need to find some ways to stop letting thoughts of him control my life. I feel like my entire mood is dependant on how things are going with him. When I'm talking to him enough, everything is great, no problem concentrating, etc. But when I don't hear from him, or things aren't going how I want, I can almost not function I get so upset.

 

We have tentative plans to see eachother again the first week of July, which is not too long from now, and when I see him again, I think it will be a better time to have some more serious conversations about where things are going. But for now, i want to avoid puttting any additional pressure on him by being whiny and annoying, so I need to find some ways to just be happier in my own life!

 

Please help!

Caddygril

[moimeme]

You have to lecture yourself sternly. Tell you that you're going to drive your own self nuts if you don't cut that stuff out. Treat this like any other stress - use stress- alleviating techniques when you start to obsess and then distract yourself with something. You're right, you need to have enough things in your life that you don't have it revolving around this guy.

[sportsloving]

I have been in a LDR for a little over two years (thankfully it is coming to the end of distance ) but I do know what you are feeling.

 

He is busy this time of year, so make yourself busy also. Hang out with friends, go to movies, take walks, get new hobbies, volunteer at the library or a hospital. Get an extra job. When you have your life so busy, you will be able to find it easier to relax about the relationship. The more things I can pack in a day, leaves me less time to sit around thinking and analyzing things...

 

Your relationship is only a part of your life, it isn't your whole life.

 

feel like my entire mood is dependant on how things are going with him. When I'm talking to him enough, everything is great, no problem concentrating, etc. But when I don't hear from him, or things aren't going how I want, I can almost not function I get so upset.

 

Been here before and it really bites. Quite honestly, I usually found that if I had idle time and would look for emails or messages, or what nots ... it bothered me that "he didn't have time for me". LDR's are tough, limited conversations, limited time together, and you have all these things you wish you could do with them but they aren't around. But if you keep yourself busy and active, you will find that you are less likely to stress every detail and be more thankful for the time you do have together.

 

It isn't easy. But you can do it. Best wishes for you

[smile95]

I have been in a LDR for 2 yrs now and it is so very hard. My entire mood also depends on his calls. If he does not call, I really make myself sick worrying when he will. He is my life and he is so busy that I get mad that he does not take time out for me to call. Sometimes he will even skip a day. I try to stay calm. I really do, but I wish I could be with him all the time and i just like to hear his voice. As soon as he does call, I instantly feel relief. My day then goes on. I wish he did not control my moods. I am thinking about ending it soon. I need more. In the beginning we talked 24-7 and email and trips and now he is so busy and says he loves me, but I need more. Sometimes I think waiting for his calls really hurts me. It is all I have and when he does not call I cry and tell myself I am done and this is it I have had it!! And then he calls with a good excuse and somehow I fall for it. Did you figure out any way to relax when he does not answer or does not call?Being so far away from him I develop all these crazy scenarios in my head when he does not answer and I get so worked up!!! I wish I could help you, but really I was glad to see I am not alone.

[Girly Girl]

I can...

 

I have been with my bf for over 6 months and he lives fairly close (only 2 hrs away), but still not where I do. We see each other every weekend when either he comes here or I go there (more the former). We have actually known each other for about 10 years before we started dating, and the dating has always been long distance (he took a job in the town about a year ago, even though we are from the same town originally).

 

We both live extremely busy lives (me more than him actually), and we talk every second day. But, he's been busy too in the past week or two and we haven't seen each other for a couple weekends (neither of us could get away). This is the first time this has happened since we got together, and for some reason it caused a bit of a freak out from me. To top it off, I have been working late, and we have played phone tag, but not connecting for almost a week. Not that that's a horrible thing, it's just that it was out of our pattern (which I think becomes so important in an LDR).

 

It took my best friend to make me realize that instead of it meaning that we were "over" or that he didn't care (it's neither of those things), it's just a couple of weeks in the larger picture. She told me that even though I was the busier one, I kind of expected him to be free when I was (which is not often) and I had time to talk. Thinking about it that way, she is right...it is kind of selfish of me. I freaked out over nothing...I finally wasn't crazy busy and wanted to talk on two nights, and he wasn't there this time.

 

We finally talked last night and of course everything is fine. I felt so silly for even freaking out. I am FAR from a jealous person. I am actually a person who usually dates for only short times, since I have an extremely time demanding job, and I also get bored of guys pretty easily. I think part of what is making this work at all is that I only see him every now and then, and not get bored, since I look forward to our rare time together. We do find that we enjoy our time so much more since it is not whenever we want (although driving to each other's towns would not be hard...if only we found the time to "surprise" each other that way). So, I cherish the time we do have together, since it is great, and we are definitely on the same wavelength in everything.

 

Not sure if that made any sense, but I guess the moral of my drawn-out story(sorry it was so long ) is that you have to figure out if you are at the same point in the relationship. If you are, there is nothing to worry about and you can make it work simply by making yourself busy. Maybe the two of you need to openly discuss expectations of each other...are you more a phone person than he is (soooo not uncommon!) or do you have more free time than him? Ultimately, it has to work for both of you. If you are expecting different things of the relationship (LDR or not, it IS a relationship) and it needs to be about both of you and not you being only about him.

 

Hope this helped a bit...it defintiely was good for me to vent...thanks!

[Phelly]

reading some of the posts in this thread ugh...you could be talking about me and I wouldn't know the difference, except that I'm a guy obsessing over a girl...

 

Yea, waiting definitely sucks. I just feel that if I'm busy doing something, I won't be able to take the call, or I'll be too preoccupied to have a meaningful conversation. And if I'm not busy doing something, I make myself sick waiting by the damn phone. I feel like I just can't win, and I almost want to end it...if only I wasn't so deeply in love

 

Personally I haven't found any way to deal with this but oh well...at least I know I'm not the only one.

I just wish my partner was half as crazy as I am. Not for the sake of her being crazy, but to know that we are indeed in the same boat.

 

Because as of right now I feel closer to Beth5201 than I am to my partner lol

 

I've tried to keep myself busy, but everything that I try to do is effected(negatively) by these thoughts and feelings that cloud my mind. I thought being busy would take my mind off of her, but instead all it does is sap my strength and I just want to lay down and die.

 

If there's a cure for love I haven't found it.

But I felt, like the previous poster, that I just had to vent. I apologize.

[Fayebelle]

On the other side-

 

I was in a long distance relationship for 3yrs- he was in the military so there were times we wouldn't speak for 3months and we MIGHT see each other 1 wk out of the year. We dated for 1 yr before he ever joined so we had history together- just no present and a very foggy future.

 

This past Christmas marked my 2nd and final without him. I loved him SO MUCH but I was seriously morose from thinking about someone who was never there. So I decided I would force myself to start dating again. I HATED it at first- I really did love him so it just felt wrong to be out with someone else. Eventually, it got easier and earlier this year I met a wonderful man who is HERE for me. (Good thing too- I found a byproduct from such a LONG long-distance relationship is a slightly annoying emotional neediness that I'm working on)

 

I still think about my ex ALOT and it was hard to see him the last time he was home; but i am happier and he does understand why I had to move on. If you know you have a future and can see each other whenever possible- I wish you the best. But you may want to consider someone who can join in on all the activities that keep you busy. Someone you can see when you want. Someone who will be There for you.