How can I lead a more happy, meaningful life?

[usthinker]

I am an Asian American male in my mid 30’s and was raised by parents who immigrated to the US back in the 1960’s in small town America. I didn’t get to socialize much back when I was a young child as I was shy and looked different than others in the area and at my school. As a result I was home most of the time and my parents often had an overbearing influence on me until I got to college.

 

As I grew up, there was always the expectation that the children in the family get good grades. For the most part, my grades were subpar; my brother’s grades were better but not stellar compared to the Asian standard. This often led to yelling and disciplinary measures, including being spanked. As kids, my brother and I were also forced to participate in tee ball/baseball. Once again, my brother was not good at it but was much better than I ever was at this. Again, my parents said that I just needed to practice and develop the necessary eye-hand coordination to be able to hit the ball. The most embarrassing part for me is that there were times I missed the darn ball when it was stationary (tee-ball)!!! My Dad in particular thought I ought to take up some sport, even though I did not want to and it often resulted in frustration.

 

There was a certain level of expectation of how chores were to be completed. If we failed to complete them for any reason on time or they were not done in the correct way we would get yelled at. Even with things as simple as completing laundry and wiping the table. My Dad also criticized the tv shows I watched. He said that I needed to stop watching animated shows, because they are just for kids, and watch things like war movies and westerns, because those are the types of shows men are supposed to watch.

 

I was rarely praised as a child and was never told by my father that he was proud of me. I have heard that this is because there is a strong belief within the Asian community that telling children that they are the best would foster overconfidence, although I think he took the extreme and this has led to a sense of overall underconfidence.

 

As I entered college, the academic struggle continued, and once again my parents, my Dad in particular, were less than encouraging to say the least. They also were insistent that I go into a profession that would yield big money in the future, such as being a doctor or lawyer. I never really had the opportunity to find out who I was really meant to be while I was in college. I eventually did complete pharmacy school and for the first time my Dad told me he was proud of me. At that moment, I felt a sense of emptiness—that it took my degree for him to tell me that he was proud of me. I felt like handing him the piece of paper (my diploma) and leaving.

 

As I left college and entered the work force, my Dad continued spreading his “wisdom”. Every time I went home, I was either bored (Dad not around) or had to listen to my Dad’s rants about what I needed to do next with my life. As a result, I started going home less frequently, only to be told we need to have longer talks since I don’t go home as often. He claims we see each other only once a year, when in fact it is a least 2-3 times a year. Perhaps I should now make it such that I really do see him only once a year, or maybe once every 5 years, or 10 years, or never (my therapist has suggested that I stop seeing him altogether).

 

One of the most annoying and stressful talks—the getting the girlfriend talks. There were certain standards to be met—she had to be Asian, slightly younger than me, have an education suitable to producing a good income, and be a suitable mother for my future children. This went on from graduation until about 7 years ago. I had a discussion with my Dad when I was about 29.5 years old. He said that I was turning 30 and that it really was time for me to find a girlfriend, most likely because it would be harder to find a suitable woman later on. I was deep in the closet and did not want to admit that I was gay, despite the fact that I have known for a very long time—since elementary school. I finally decided to break the ice and nervously came out at my first PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meeting. I began the gradual coming out process from that point forward, going to about a dozen more meetings before moving on. I started attending other gay social events, expanding my gay network, and gradually became more comfortable with being gay. I started coming out to my straight friends. In another couple of years, I met my boyfriend and gradually started spending more time together and living together. A couple of years later, I came out to my brother and then another year or two later, my parents. My parents, in particular my Dad, were not happy. He wanted me to seek counseling to get this taken care of, and also get hormone levels measured to make sure everything is within normal range. I told him I would do the hormone test only if he paid for it and he would go to PFLAG meetings. Needless to say, he refused. I was able to get him and my Mom to go to one meeting. My Dad felt it was pointless to go to those meetings because there is no way he could get the people there to see his point of view. Once again, it is because his way of thinking is correct, like always and there would be nothing for him to gain by going to these meetings.

 

Throughout my life, my parents’ behavior, in particular my Dad’s behavior, have led to issues of low self-confidence and self-esteem. As a result, I have had a lifetime of chronic depression and anxiety, always wondering if I handle every situation correctly and second guessing myself. I also wonder what career path I would have chosen if my parents told me to choose whatever made me happy. I am unemployed and my parents are not happy about that, however I often went into my last job not only dreading the environment and people I was working with, but also the weight of the issues at the homefront as well. I felt like I was often being driven to the brink of insanity, trying to please everybody except myself. My boyfriend could see this in me and often encouraged me to leave the job and also see my family less often. He has been my only source of stability at this stage of my life, otherwise I really do think I would have become a nut case. He is also the one who encouraged me to seek therapy, which I have been grateful for.

 

The question--How do I get to the point where I am at peace with myself and become content, happy, and lead a meaningful life? I would hate to go into my next job with this huge psychological weight on my shoulders. Or do you think I really do need to just suck it up and apply for jobs anyway, acting like I am an interested, self-confident individual when many aspects of my personal life are in shambles? I would hate for my work life to be that way as well, as I can only remember all too well what that was like a couple of years ago.

 

Thanks in advance for any input or suggestions.