venus358 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I wish I found this site 3 months ago... I guess I'm writing for some advice, discussion, help...anything. My affair started out with me and him in unhappy marriages (both with no children) just having fun. Then, my husband and I broke up and things between us really heated up. It started out once a week. Then it turned into very expensive dinners and taking days off together to do things. He started coming over every day and staying really late (9-10pm most week days). We talked everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day on the phone. After 3 months and the full "I love yous" I couldn't take it anymore. He wasn't letting me let him go and everytime I tried, he came back. I told him to work things out with his wife and he just kept coming back. I guess because I was married at first too I thought our situation was different (we all think that don't we)? Like we started on an even playing field. Anyway, long story short. I made him pick, he said he wanted to work on his marriage and I bought it. I cried, I left work, drank some wine, called all my friends! Then, 4 days later....I see him online looking for someone else! So I knocked on his door and handed his wife all our emails for the last 6 months. What I don't understand is how I feel now about it all. I told her 3 days ago, no word from him yet and all day all I could think was "I wonder if he still loves me. Should I send him an email, will he ever talk to me again, I hope he's okay." Then I think "he messed with the wrong woman, I wont let him mess me around the way his wife does." What the heck is wrong with me? I feel like I've lost the love of my life but he was never mine to begin with. I know the "right" things to think and do but my heart seems to not agree. AND!!!! What makes me so angry over it all.... I tried to break up with him so many times....SO SO SO MANY TIMES, when I was ready to let him go and he wouldn't let me! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Seems you're on the fence and have some hope that his wife will kick him out and he'll come to you (hense the references Then I think "he messed with the wrong woman, I wont let him mess me around the way his wife does.").. Your affair is over and don't expect to hear from him again. You let a MM manipulate you because you loved him. It happens a lot, just read on this site you'll be surprised how many have been in your shoes. Leave him alone and let yourself grieve the loss, so you can heal and get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 If you really think about it, do you think you love him or it is more of an addiction/obsession? From what you write it sounds like the latter because it sounds like you were both indulging in selfish, risky behavior and couldn't stop. The reason I ask is that if you think about it some more and come to the conclusion that true love should make you kinder, more compassionate, just basically a better person (that's what I find) and that this is likely an obsession that was filling some need, then (1) it's easier to recognize that you have to do some hard work to get over it and (2) you could learn what need it was filling and try to make sure you keep yourself healthier and more satisfied so that you don't choose cheating again in the future and so that you can choose a partner who is more capable of love. Having said that, I think the kind of obsessive/addictive attraction one can find in affairs can be even more difficult to get over than a broken heart from a lost love. It takes time, determination, thought and sometimes even professional help because often to get into that mode, one did not have strong emotional health to start and the affair behavior just made it worse. Some strategies involve finding productive, healthy things to occupy your time, focussing on caring for others, finding outlets like talking to friends, writing in a journal to get your emotions out. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I had a passionate, intense 3 year affair. Finally he had a kind of Dday and said he wanted to make things right with his wife. He walked away from me without a second thought after all the promises, time spent together. You know the story I'm sure. Almost two weeks later, he was back on a dating website also. I'm single and free so I was beginning to look around. He was still firmly married but on the prowl again!!! Un bloody believable aren't they?? I'm 14 months NC now and over it. It has taken me a long time and a lot of hurt and loneliness and reflection but I did it. Hope you do too. YOu have to make up your mind that it's over and he didin't want you and never will. all the best, GG Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Venus, In the words of the great and wise Madea....if someone wants to walk out of your life....let....them...go. Cry about it for while, do what you have to and then get on with your life. This guy was never yours to begin with and thank God. Look at what he's doing now? On the prowl again. Yuck! Did you really want to get saddled with that???? Like Dr. Phil says....if there doing it with you, they'll do it to you. Move on down the road. The view is marvellous. The adventure is calling. Go find a distance shore and start a new story...The Amazing Adventures of You! Leave this guy where he belongs. In the dust. Next time....oh wait. There won't be a next time. No more MM. Right??? Cheers, B Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 he can't drag you back in unless you let him... so don't let him... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Most likely - he's at home doing damage control with the wifey! Where did she think he was all those nights he wasn't home until 10? Don't fret - when the dust settles - and she's no longer trailing his sorry a$$ - he will come sniffing around for you to again be his side piece... That's when the wife no longer checks up on him = usually around 4-6 months... So - wait or don't. Be his constant OW or don't. Either way - you now know he chose her - so even IF you allow him to come back (yes, you do have choices) - you know YOU put yourself in position #2 if you take him back when he shows his ugly head again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author venus358 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 Venus, Next time....oh wait. There won't be a next time. No more MM. Right??? Cheers, B Barrsitter....without a doubt there wont be a next time at all. All of this, this whole situation is not me. I was so unhappy in my marriage, I am living in the UK while all of my family and most of my best friends are all back at home in Canada. If I had more support networks around me I never would have needed to let this person into my life and latch onto him the way I did. I recognise that. I probably also wouldn't have stayed married to my loser husband for so long either. The problem is now, it did happen and I need to mend what feels like a very broken heart right now. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 AND!!!! What makes me so angry over it all.... I tried to break up with him so many times....SO SO SO MANY TIMES, when I was ready to let him go and he wouldn't let me! He wouldn't let you? So, when the dust settles in his marriage, and he comes back (which is very likely) are you going to play the role of victim again is this drama? Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Venus...of course your heart is broken. It will take time to mend. But while it is, chart a new course for yourself. Look within and learn to love yourself more than anyone else on this planet. When you do that, you will be much less likely to allow the wrong person to waste your time. Find new things to do, new places to go, new friends. And reconnect with old friends and family. Your heart will mend, if you let it. And above all else, forget yesterday. It's gone. Can't change it so forget it. It's a mill-stone around your neck. Fly free now and make better decisions from now on. Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 You're obsessed with him. Obviously, he's moved on to his next victim... I mean affair. Link to post Share on other sites
TinaniT Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I wish I found this site 3 months ago... e! I think you did the right thing telling him to go back to his marriage, and telling her when it's obvious he wasn't working on it. Hopefully, it makes him. Only thing different you could have done was give her the new dating profiles too so he couldn't be at home lying to her and saying you told her out of revenge after he ended it because of guilt or some such. Now, to what you feel, fine! Feel whatever you want! Dealing with things means feeling, and sometimes feeling things you "shouldn't". The important thing is actions! Make sure he can't contact you. make sure if he does, no matter what you feel, tell him simply you never want to hear from him and to leave you ben, and then NOTHING. You will get to the point you are thinking the things you "should" if you follow on actions and give yourself enough distance from him. Link to post Share on other sites
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