HesterH Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hi guys, I need your help...I will try to make this as brief as possible, but there are details I must tell you in order to get your best advice. First of all, I am my husband's 4th wife. It is my 2nd marriage. We were married 2 1/2 years ago. I found out about a month ago that he has been having an affair for 1 1/2 years of our marriage. I was totally taken away by this. One night while he was asleep I had lost my phone so I borrowed his to call mine, and found the text. It was between him and another woman, and it sounded like they were at least having an emotional affair. I confronted him, and he said that she was an old girlfriend whom he had taken out to dinner last summer to "catch up" on things. He said that they had just been texting and calling, and there was nothing physical going on. I made him call her a few days later, while I listened in. All I remember is her saying, "You have been lying to me for 7 years! You've been lying to your wife, your children, and to me!" So, after this call I questioned again, and he said they had dated 7 years ago, and she was obsessed with him, angry, but that there was still nothing physical. Well, that didn't set right with me. So, later on in the evening I texted the other woman, and learned quite a bit. They had lived together 1 1/2 years. He then broke up with her and lived with another woman for a couple of years. He then broke up with this woman and went back to the other woman and was dating her when he and I started dating. I know this is confusing, but basically, he has been with her 3 different times in the last 7 years. We started dating in January 3 years ago. He has admitted all of this to me. He said he even had sex with the other woman the same month he had dated me. He has confirmed with me everything this other woman told me in the texts. He even knew that she had genital herpes....was having unprotected sex with her, and then doing the same with me when he came home. I also found his last divorce papers and read that he had cheated on his last wife with "her"....so they have quite a history. He has told me he is very committed to our marriage now, and is willing to do whatever it takes to save it. He has bought several Christian marriage books, and says he is praying and reading his bible. I have asked him to move out...I still love him. I feel like I want to give him a chance, but keep remembering what all he's done. And to know I'm the 4th wife! I should have known better than to marry him! He said all the marriages ended because his exes had affairs. Advice please! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Advice please! This is a simple one: divorce! Unless you want to stay married to a cheater. Oh, maybe contact the ex-wives. I think you could have some interesting conversations with them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HesterH Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 He seems very remorseful...honestly. But I don't know if I can forgive and "forget".... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HesterH Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 I still love him, though. I'm just praying for God to help me make a decision. What do you all think...given all of the history? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 He seems very remorseful...honestly. But I don't know if I can forgive and "forget".... Remorseful? Mope! Just sorry he got caught! Remorseful would have been a man that didn't toy with her for 7 years! Remorse would mean he didn't text and communicate with her while he's married. He's not sorry - he's only sorry you caught him. You married him 6 months into know him - but you didn't know the real him! Come on - he IS showing what his true character is - or rather lack of character. Let me guess, he moved into your home? Does he work? Does he provide YOU with a nice life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HesterH Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 Why is it so hard for me to make a decision? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Maybe because you don't answer the questions asked...? Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Once a cheater, always a cheater. You will never be able to trust this guy. You will always question the things this guy will do and you know it. There is a reason why he's on his 4th marriage. He is a cheater. With a person like him, you could put yourself at risk of getting herpes or HIV if he has unprotected sex with someone else. You can get herpes through oral sex. Most people don't use protection during oral sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HesterH Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 2Sunny, We rented a home about 4 hours away from here (where the other woman lives), and moved into my home (how did you know:). He does work, and he has always provided a nice income. I do believe this is going to end in divorce...for some reason I feel sorry for him, I feel compassion. I was hoping that this "cheater" (my husband) could turn his life around. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) Coming forward voluntarily admitting to cheating and wanting to change his life around is what a remorseful person would do. This is what you call damage control. Wake up. The man has problems committing. There is a reason why he has been married 4 times. I bet you thought you were different from the rest. The circumstance may change but the person remains the same. I hardly believe his exs were having affairs. He must be speaking of himself. Taking him back will only show him that damage control was accomplished and that you will tolerate his cheating and he'll be back to his self destructive behavior in no time. Did he even care about your health when he knew he could transfer herpes to you? Nope. It was all about his own self indulgence. Edited February 11, 2012 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author HesterH Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 Yes, I did think I was better than the rest...unfortunately. I think I did marry him too quickly...what a mess I have myself in now. He is moving out in 2 weeks...it has been 5 weeks since I've found, and it is so hard having to live in separate parts of the house. He is so sad looking...weepy, and just overall seemingly regretful of what he did. At least when he moves out I will be able to think more clearly...although at this point it doesn't look like there's much to think about.... Thank you all for replying...I appreciate it..,this is such a hard time for me Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 You would of think he would have learned his lesson after three divorces. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Yes, I did think I was better than the rest...unfortunately. I think I did marry him too quickly...what a mess I have myself in now. He is moving out in 2 weeks...it has been 5 weeks since I've found, and it is so hard having to live in separate parts of the house. He is so sad looking...weepy, and just overall seemingly regretful of what he did. At least when he moves out I will be able to think more clearly...although at this point it doesn't look like there's much to think about.... Thank you all for replying...I appreciate it..,this is such a hard time for me It's your house- make him move now! Wy should YOU be subjected to his "sad face" any longer than right now. He did this. He knew exactly what he was doing. It's YOUR house - get him out now!!! There IS a price to pay for betrayal - and the price doesn't need to be mooching off your free home! Who cares if he may sleep on the street? What he will do - is go sleep with his OW! Yep, he will use her again too - just be sure it's no longer you! Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Yes, I did think I was better than the rest...unfortunately. I think I did marry him too quickly...what a mess I have myself in now. He is moving out in 2 weeks...it has been 5 weeks since I've found, and it is so hard having to live in separate parts of the house. He is so sad looking...weepy, and just overall seemingly regretful of what he did. At least when he moves out I will be able to think more clearly...although at this point it doesn't look like there's much to think about.... Thank you all for replying...I appreciate it..,this is such a hard time for me Sad and weepy because he just messed up a sweet deal for himself. He had you for security in having someone permanent in his life and the luxury of stepping outside of the marriage when he needed. Now he's busted and he's at a losing end. Of course he's moping. If you didn't lose your phone, use his phone and find the text , he'd still be cheating under your nose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HesterH Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 I think I am in such a state of shock that I am even finding it hard to be angry... He wants to go to counseling... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Counseling for what? He's a four time cheater - and the same woman he's hurt and used for 7 years!!! He needs to change HIM! His values - his morals - and his cheating ways! YOU can't do that for him! He's not the man you thought he COULD be! And it could take years for HIM to show decency in a consistent manner... You want to wait that long for him to "get it?" he may never get it... This is the core being of him. Seriously - kick him out. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I'm sure he's been communicating with this ow - he always needs his backup plan, ya know? Check on him- I'm sure he's still doing it right now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HesterH Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 2sunny, You are right. He needs a lot of work to straighten himself out and become a better person, it will take him a while. As for me, this is my 2nd go round (divorce..both cheaters). I am mid-fifties. I have 3 grown kids, lots of friends, a great church, a dog, family living near-by. I think I will be just fine. Yes, he probably is still in contact with her. They can't seem to stay away from each other. And yeah, being married 3 times before me just doesn't bode well, does it? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 2sunny, You are right. He needs a lot of work to straighten himself out and become a better person, it will take him a while. As for me, this is my 2nd go round (divorce..both cheaters). I am mid-fifties. I have 3 grown kids, lots of friends, a great church, a dog, family living near-by. I think I will be just fine. Yes, he probably is still in contact with her. They can't seem to stay away from each other. And yeah, being married 3 times before me just doesn't bode well, does it? Not well enough to allow him in your space even one more night. He wants her - he should go to her- tonight!!! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 2sunny, You are right. He needs a lot of work to straighten himself out and become a better person, it will take him a while. As for me, this is my 2nd go round (divorce..both cheaters). I am mid-fifties. I have 3 grown kids, lots of friends, a great church, a dog, family living near-by. I think I will be just fine. Yes, he probably is still in contact with her. They can't seem to stay away from each other. And yeah, being married 3 times before me just doesn't bode well, does it? Pack his bags, put them outside, tell him to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 And yeah, being married 3 times before me just doesn't bode well, does it? I wish this would have rang your alarms before you married him. There is something inherently wrong when a man continues to fail in his efforts to commit. Counseling is not going to help the two of you. There is a core issue within him that he needs to work on. And as 2Sunny mentioned, there is never a guarantee that even with couples counseling or individual counseling, he will change. Change is hard and and even when it happens, most times it's only temporary. You would be so lucky to have him turn around and even if he did, it would take years before the two of you actually reach a level of complete trust and loyalty. No one deserves this, Hester. You have a great life outside of him. If I were you, I would start living it, and although in pain, but with the peace of knowing he will never hurt you again. I would send him back to the OW and let her nurse his wounds. It's time you start focusing on what Hester needs to do for herself to get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
EspressoTorte Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Yes, I did think I was better than the rest...unfortunately. I think I did marry him too quickly...what a mess I have myself in now. He is moving out in 2 weeks...it has been 5 weeks since I've found, and it is so hard having to live in separate parts of the house. He is so sad looking...weepy, and just overall seemingly regretful of what he did. At least when he moves out I will be able to think more clearly...although at this point it doesn't look like there's much to think about.... Thank you all for replying...I appreciate it..,this is such a hard time for me Tigers don't change their stripes overnight. You being and knowing that you're a good person with good intentions won't change someone. Don't take this as a failing of your character; you hooked up with a guy that doesn't take commitment seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 4th marriage for him and cheating during it? What more do you have to think about..leave. Link to post Share on other sites
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