Husband is like day and night

[sominret]

My husband's parents came to visit us from overseas last month, and he hadn't seen them for over a year. The 4 weeks they were with us, my husband was all over them, going out of his way to please them and taking them places. He was so very attentive to each and every need they had, it was almost pathetic. Even though my husband works like crazy and is very tired, he always found time for them and NEVER complained. He bought them whatever they wanted too and was very loving. They were up late up to 1AM almost every night.

 

Now, I have no problem with his attitude, if it wasn't for the fact that he acts completely different when it's only the 2 of us. For example, he always complains that he's tired and barely talks to me. He has never bought me anything, not even on birthdays or anniversaries. We never go places because he's always tired! He barely shows me love and I have to 'request' for his attention. He's asleep on the couch by 8 pm!

 

So how come he became a completely different person when his parents were visiting? It's almost like he was a different man that I barely recognized.

Now that they're gone he's back to his old self. wtf?

I don't think he loves me .........a person cannot change that much or be that different! Something's up but I'm so confused.

Anyone sees clear here?

[2sunny]

Why don't you simply ask him what the f is up with that much change in his behavior that they get all his time, love and attention - while he gives you nothing close to what he's capable of giving. Ask!

[sominret]

I asked, and he said that he made the "extreme effort" during their stay, that although he was dead tired, he made the effort because of the limited time. However, it really looked to me that he was a natural, didn't see any painful effort to be energetic and loving.

What I see every day, that's 'him' (tired, unloving, inattentive). But hell, I prefer the way he was with his parents, just wish now that it's on me.

 

Just wondering if it's a red flag the fact that he was so different with his parents than he is with me.

[setsenia]

I hear you! I actually have the same issue in a way, but the reverse. My husband acts nice and sweet to me when we're alone, but whenever we have people over or we're visiting relatives, he acts like I don't exist or he get's irritable and impatient easily. I tried to bring this up to him and I told him how upset I was and it seemed to bother him. I told him if he doesn't want to see me upset with him like that, why can't he act the same all the time?

[sominret]

he acts like I don't exist

Another issue I had when the parents were here. He completely ignored me and had zero conversations with me if it wasn't through his parents.

Can someone really change behavior without raising doubts?

His attitude has created doubts in my mind about my marriage, about who he really is. The happy, energetic one, or the tired, complaining one? and why do I get the latter? Is he taking me for granted?

[2sunny]

I asked, and he said that he made the "extreme effort" during their stay, that although he was dead tired, he made the effort because of the limited time. However, it really looked to me that he was a natural, didn't see any painful effort to be energetic and loving.

What I see every day, that's 'him' (tired, unloving, inattentive). But hell, I prefer the way he was with his parents, just wish now that it's on me.

 

Just wondering if it's a red flag the fact that he was so different with his parents than he is with me.

 

Their limited time? So - maybe IF he understood he has "limited time" left with YOU - he might be kind and loving?

 

That's NOT the way love works - you should have to beg a man to be nice and loving to you - he either is or he isn't. If he isn't - I don't waste a hot minute on him.

[denise_xo]

He just sounds completely disconnected from you - emotionally, mentally and physically.

 

I totally get putting his best foot forward for his parents, knowing it was temporary and an effort he only had to put forth for a few weeks, but his complete and total disregard for YOU is frightening. He can't be bothered getting you a gift for your birthday or taking you out for dinner or a night at the movies, and doesn't even have the desire to talk to you?

 

He sounds as though he's given up on your marriage.

 

This was basically my reaction, too. I can understood putting on a bit of an appearance for parents. But if the two of you basically have no communication and don't share much together, that's a huge, red flag. I think you should approach this with him as an issue of him and you, NOT you compared to his parents.

 

Why is he so tired all the time? Is he working a lot? I've been through periods where I've worked two and three jobs to keep the finances going, and during those times I've definitely not been very attentive to my H.

[sominret]

I think you should approach this with him as an issue of him and you, NOT you compared to his parents.

That's what I'm trying to dig at. I'm so confused. All I know is that he was like DAY and NIGHT when his parents were here. The husband I know is always tired, yes, he works a lot, and basically has no energy left and always complains. Even just asking him to go grocery shopping is a dilemma since he always refuses.

 

But when his parents were here, he passed by the stores almost every night after work, whether buying clothes or food for them, whatever. He also stayed up late talking to them, watching TV, etc. and he never complained that he was tired. That's not a problem per se, that is actually OK since he was more fun. The red flag is that he has NEVER been like that with me!! So now I'm freaking thinking if he has put a front with me of the tired, complaining husband to avoid me or our marriage altogether! And how much am I to blame for his attitude.

Obviously he's taking me for granted and I've let myself be taken for granted. How do I undo that now? I"m so upset.

Edited February 11, 2012 by sominret

[2sunny]

I think if he understood you were leaving - his "limited time" person might start being kind and loving... But it really shows what a dick he is as a companion.

 

A man who is nice as a ploy or a front is pretending.

 

If he's not nice - leave him. He's not participating with you. You deserve a partner - not an angry tired blob that complains.

 

Tell him these are your thoughts - and that something must change for you to stay.

 

Can he work less? Can he make effort to take you out and DO some things? Even a walk every night is nice!

 

What could he change? Does he even want to?

[denise_xo]

That's what I'm trying to dig at. I'm so confused. All I know is that he was like DAY and NIGHT when his parents were here. The husband I know is always tired, yes, he works a lot, and basically has no energy left and always complains. Even just asking him to go grocery shopping is a dilemma since he always refuses.

 

But when his parents were here, he passed by the stores almost every night after work, whether buying clothes or food for them, whatever. He also stayed up late talking to them, watching TV, etc. and he never complained that he was tired. That's not a problem per se, that is actually OK since he was more fun. The red flag is that he has NEVER been like that with me!! So now I'm freaking thinking if he has put a front with me of the tired, complaining husband to avoid me or our marriage altogether! And how much am I to blame for his attitude.

Obviously he's taking me for granted and I've let myself be taken for granted. How do I undo that now? I"m so upset.

 

Can you sit him down and have a calm talk about this? Explain how you feel, but also signal that are open for supporting him in addressing his fatigue/ depression/ whatever it is that is bothering him? Have you tried that before? If so, how did it go?

[KathyM]

Don't start issuing threats. But do start being assertive with him on how you want to be treated--not by demanding, but by clearly stating your desires for how you envision a healthy marriage should be, and how you want that kind of marriage with him. Don't make this about his parents. Don't even bring up the issue of how he acted with his parents. He tried to show them a good time while they were here. Now you need to start retraining him on how to be a good husband. Tell him you feel you need to strengthen the emotional connection with him, and you feel your marriage has gotten into a rut. Suggest to him that you would like to institute a date night with him on the weekends to add some fun to your lives and have the opportunity to reconnect with him. Then tell him you'll make plans for the weekend for the two of you to go out and have fun. (Don't take no for an answer). If he tries to claim he's too tired to go out, tell him you're not accepting that as an excuse anymore, and that he needs to make an effort to be more of a companion for you. Then after the date night has gotten to be a regular in your relationship, start working on some other things. (Too much too soon might seem like too much pressure to him all at once). Before your birthday or Christmas, anniversary, comes along, start talking about what you would like to do to celebrate the event, and then make the reservation yourself. Some men are just not good at making social plans and need you to have a more active role in planning things. Also, tell him (in a nice, non-demanding way) what you would like to have for your birthday, Christmas, anniversary, V-day, etc. A week before the event. Tell him exactly what it is and where to get it. Some men are just clueless and incompetent when it comes to shopping, and they need concrete suggestions. He has gotten the idea that you don't care about getting gifts, since you've never made an issue of it, so he just doesn't bother. You need to retrain him on how to treat you, and you can start today.

[Gottman Institute]

I think Kathy made some great points. Don't make this about him and his parents, you need to work on changing what you expect between your partner and yourself. He needs to know that you understand that he's tired, but that it's not okay to sleep through life and make what you feel is a minimal effort to be active and engaged in your relationship.