Ended 4-year Affair with Prostitute; Feeling Empty

[feelinglost29]

I found these forums after looking all over for a place to share my story in the hopes that it will give me some peace and maybe find someone else that has had something similar happen in their lives to share with.

 

I'll start by letting you know that I used to frequent massage parlors, maybe every couple months, just to have fun. I suppose I liked them because there was no attachment; it was a simple transaction where no real feelings were expected or shown. I am a married man and never wanted to do anything that could come back to my family. I never wanted to carry on an affair, I wanted to have my fun and be on my way. About four years ago I visited a massage parlor and met a beautiful woman and we somehow hit it off. She asked that I come back to see her again, which I did pretty much every other day for about six months. It was very odd; she gave me her phone number and was more intimate that any woman in those places ever are however I refused to phone/text her and would just see her there. While this continued on, I was slowly falling in love with her but always fell back to the fact that she was a prostitute and we had nothing in common except for the sex. Slowly our relationship evolved and I began texting her. We texted daily, but, there was always an obvious wall because of what she did for a living. I never asked or pressured her to stop, I did not think that was my place. Then after six months she tells me that she can't work at that type of place anymore and only wants to be with me. She understood that I was married and that I wasn't going to leave my wife... She told me that all she wanted was to see me and stop prostituting herself. Again, she came to this decision on her own.

 

At first we would see each other in a small hotel close to where she lives. We would see each other three times a week. This continued on for about another four months and I brought up that maybe I could rent a place for her (she lived with her daughter and brother) and we could see each other there instead. She found a two bedroom house, big enough for her to use as a studio for her "normal" work. I paid everything. I felt happier that I would also be helping her in her normal work and she would have a normal career. I gave her an extra $1500 per month so she could pay all the bills and have no reason to go back to her previous life -- it's important to say here that I have substantial means and I was in no way depriving my family to pay these things.

 

Things for about 3 years seemed great. I would see her three times a week, I bought her extravagant gifts and gave her that extra money (a few hundred every couple months) to help her with clothes or expenses. We began to have unprotected sex and I assumed she was true to me - as hypocritical as that sounds coming from a married man. I will say that intimacy with my wife was non-existent - we had become best friends but I was in love with someone else. During these three years I fell completely head-over-heals in love with the new woman. We would text 20-30 times a day, she was the first person I would say good morning to and the last person I would say goodnight to. This feeling didn't diminish over the years, it grew stronger. Over the past couple years I began to contemplated leaving my wife, but the thought of my new girl being a former prostitute always pulled me back just enough to hold off on doing anything with my wife. I felt that eventually I would be forced to choose my wife/family or the other woman; in my heart I knew that I would choose the other woman but was hoping I wouldn't be forced to make that choice (yes, I know how selfish that sounds).

 

My world came crashing back to reality on January 23, 2011. We were lying in bed and she was showing me her new cellphone. I was showing her some apps and a text came in. I nonchalantly opened the text, to show her how she can respond with her voice instead of typing, when I read the text that had my heart stop. The text read "Now is not a good time for work, too many customers looking for latina girls and they may be police". My first reaction was to ignore it, like it didn't happen. She was literally reading the same text with me and as the seconds passed by heart pounded and I began to shake. I got angry and demanded an explanation. She cried and we talked and talked and talked. Her explanation was that she needed more money and had only been doing this for two months, maybe three or four times. She swore she was done with it. I understood, in a very odd way. Who was I to make demands on her, the same demands that I was scared to death she would ultimately make on me! I accepted it had happened and we decided to work through it. She promised and swore up and down that this would never happen again and she would be true to me. For my part, I told her I would give her $1000 more a month and I would prefer to give her any amount of money to keep her from doing that again. She said she understood and again promised that she would never prostitute herself again, no matter what.

 

Over the next two weeks I tried to give her everything that I could. I texted her constantly and told her I was going to find a larger nicer house for us. You see, now she was living with her daughter again (who is three months pregnant) and I knew that the small place we rented wasn't big or nice enough. She started moving quickly toward looking for an office for her business (not the prostitution) and I offered to pay that rent as well and help or completely pay the move-in costs (mind you, we are talking about $10,000 move-in and another $1500 per month). Again, I kept telling her that I will do anything to keep her on the right path; I truly loved her and wanted that for her. On February 7th she closed another door to her past by changing her cell phone number (her idea, to keep those people from her past from contacting her again). I still didn't completely trust her but I wanted to. I hoped that time would heal the wound and we would be okay.

 

This morning, while she was walking her daughter out of the house, I decided to look in her drawer in the bedroom. I found a new cell phone. I told her that I had to use the bathroom and I took the new phone into the bathroom to see what I would find. I found several texts to three different men telling them she got a new cell phone number and that they can now contact her on this number. I found one guy who gave her an address to his house which said, "see you Saturday at noon". It was hard to push the buttons because I was shaking so hard. I immediately went into the bedroom holding the new phone and confronted her. We spent the next three hours talking. She now admitted to working at the massage parlors for over a year now and she was planning on seeing certain "high paying" customers outside. She admitted to seeing one of the customers just six days ago at his house. The entire two weeks where I had just forgiven her was a sham. We talked and talked about how we could move forward but there was just no way. The only way we could move forward would be for me to accept her as a prostitute again and deal with it. I don't think I can move backward, once I'm in love, I don't think I could readily switch that off and think of her as just a girl to have fun with - and, I don't think that she would want that to come from me either. I felt lost. I told her that we need time and I would text her in a month. She and I both knew that was our breakup.

 

This all happened this morning. Now I'm sitting here feeling empty and lost. I'm checking my phone every ten minutes looking for a text from her (who knows from which phone because she threw both phones and broke one)... I feel so betrayed but I miss her so much. Just now I wanted to text her to just ask, for the hundredth time today, why... What makes me feel even worse is that I know the painfully obvious irony that if my wife found out about my secrets she would feel pretty much the same way. I'm a double crappy person who's now heartbroken. I'm 40 years old, and I've been in a lot of relationships in my life, but I've never felt close to as empty and lost as I do here tonight. I can't eat, I can only think of her and my mind keeps going to thoughts of her with her customers. I just want to crawl into a dark corner and drink a bottle of vodka (I quit drinking five years ago). I know how hypocritical this all sounds, but please don't judge me for having the affair or being with prostitutes. I strongly believe in the saying that whatever happens to you, no matter how bad, is the best thing that could have happened to you. Maybe this will save my marriage, maybe my ex's true path is doing that work...

 

If you've read this I thank you and I hope you have something to give me to get me through this. I hope someone out there has experienced something similar and tell me something that I'm not thinking of. Was I right in doing what I did, either time? Am I being a hypocrite and should I accept her as a prostitute again, especially considering it's not a new thing? Should I just keep doing what I'm doing and remind myself to keep breathing and time will heal my wounds - but don't go back to her?

 

Thank you all again.

[Corazura]

I don't know what to say about this one. If you say you see the hypocrisy in what you've done, then you really can't just tell people to ignore it. It's the elephant in the room.

 

How can you hold yourself and this woman to different standards? You said so yourself that if your wife found out about what you were doing she would feel the same way you feel about what this other woman has done to you. I hate to be brutally honest but you can't expect to treat someone a certain way and then be treated a different way in return. Those double standards don't work.

 

In all of this, I think it masks a general unhappiness with where you are in your relationship with your wife. You said she has become more like a best friend to you. I would suggest trying to see why that is the case and why you feel you need to get more from outside the relationship. Is there anything that you could work on to get that spark back? What did this prostitute offer you that your wife can't provide? I think you realize that what you've done is wrong and the only way I could see you moving forward would be honesty with all the parties involved. I think it would just eat away at you over time and would be completely unfair to your wife.

 

I hope you do the right thing and that things work out for the best.

[feelinglost29]

Corazura I read and re-read your post and it was a little shock back to reality. I'm sitting here feeling lost, sorry for myself and looking for direction. What I was looking for was advice about this woman because the acute breakup today caused an explosion of emotions that I've never felt in my life. Like you said, and like what I said, the whole thing is laced with hypocrisy.. I'm an emotional basket-case, TODAY, but my larger issues lie with my wife, not this woman. I suppose the root questions, which I haven't confronted, is why did I do this to begin with.

 

I need to get through the here and now but then I need to repair my relationship with my wife and work through whatever it is that caused me to seek out the other woman. I frankly think the loss of intimicy with my wife is a direct result of my cheating. I've always thought that as long as it wasn't an emotional relationship then I would be fine and safe. Perhaps it's a misjudgment I made years ago that I'm finally reaping the consequences today.

 

Thanks for your words and thoughts. I really appreciate it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Cool story …

[2sunny]

Maybe think how your wife must feel.

 

No intimacy, no energy for paying attention to her, tons of family money going out to a woman that used her crotch to burn through your money.

 

She took you for a perverbial ride.

 

The ride has ended.

 

You are so desperate for sex and live that you allow her to use you this way?

 

You need serious counseling. Please go immediately - and be honest!

[feelinglost29]

2sunny,

 

Thank you. Reading these have made me think about how diluted I've been. I honestly thought I'd get responses telling me to go back to her (in some form or another).

 

If I would have read what you wrote three weeks ago I would have thought YOU just didn't get it. In light of where I am now, and accounting in my mind for what I've been doing, I see that I'm the one that didn't get it. The self pity is quickly resolving itself into disgrace and anger for what I've done and for what I allowed to happen to me.

 

Thank you again.

[2sunny]

That's right - you allowed it.

 

This gal used you for an enormous amount of money.

 

You allowed that.

 

Stop thinking it as anything except HER way to get you to pay her way.

 

You paid her way - paid for pussy - paid for love.

 

To her - it was a business arrangement - her crotch is her bargaining tool.

 

I'm sure you aren't the only guy she's swindled. These are usually master manipulators.

 

Please get tested for stds... Yep even oral sex will give you lots of gifts you never thought she'd give you.

[Million.to.1]

How many other "customers" are paying for her rent or giving her extra cash?

You have no evidence that she even loves you. You gave her a lifestyle and she didn't have to do anything except pretend to love you back. Her life was paid for. Pretty cushy gig if you ask me.

This is not a the way a real relationship will last. She still hasn't had to take any responsibility for herself or how she can get by in the world without using her vagina to do it. She's a working girl. She knows how to work it- from all angles. She is used to manipulating people because that's what she does for a living. Prostitution is acting. It's pretend. It's not just having sex, it's alot more than that. She played the part of a victim, and you wanted to save her.

 

You were played like a chump. You were her highest paying customer. Move on from this and do the right thing by your wife and get some professional help.

[2sunny]

Doesn't really matter now how many "other customers" she used to obtain what she wanted.

 

We are addressing the OP - and how HE participated.

 

Yes, she used you. But no one can use you unless YOU allow it.

 

Stop allowing any of it.

 

And stop going to prostitutes! Man - you are married! Tell your wife your truth... That way maybe you two can get connected so you won't feel the need to seek out other women. She should be your only focus. IF you focused on your wife even half as much as you focused on this gal - you'd fall back in love with your wife too!

 

A marriage is only as good as the energy you feed it. Start texting your wife 30 times a day - buy HER gifts and lavish homes... Focus all your energy there.

[2sunny]

And I'd sue this prostitute too! Seriously! Turn her in!

[feelinglost29]

Absolutely true. I'm the one that allowed myself to get used. The clear as day truth is that I was her money train for over three years and she knew the only way to get me to give her what she wanted or needed was to make me believe that she was "in love with me". The proof is that within days, and likely earlier, she was continuing to work as a prostitute. She never had any intention of stopping the prostitution, she had the intention of stopping me from finding out.

 

What's odd is that I'm not mad at her, I'm just sad and feel used.

 

My focus when I started this post was on myself and the other woman. As my new reality is setting in I'm understanding that the one truly harmed was my wife. I can't tell her, I simply can't. It would devastate her and she doesn't deserve it that. I understand that she deserves to know the truth but I simply can't harm her. There's something that I was seeking, more than just screwing someone else, that set everything this in motion. What my wife deserves more than truth is her husband back - clean of extramarital sex, affairs, STD's and of whatever emotional/narcissistic flaws that exist in my mind that caused this in the first place.

 

I can't thank you all enough for posting here. Although these aren't the comments or suggestions that I was seeking, I feel a sense of relief in getting this off my chest and having others throw it back at me in an enlightening way.

[RecordProducer]

You feel betrayed because you betrayed yourself. You're only 40 and you've been using prostitutes, and you have a wife. If you don't love or even have sex with your wife, then why are you still married? That prostitute doesn't love you, she is just using you, and now that she has other wealthy customers, she doesn't need you anymore. Forget her. Don't ever call her again, don't asnwer her calls.

Why did you even fall in love with her?

 

What kind of comments were you seeking?

[Cmac]

After reading your story it's hard to feel any sympathy for you, your wife is the one I feel sorry for.

[Sugarkane]

How The hell did she do it? My ex wouldn't even give me a gift for valentines Day. Refused to do anything romantic at all. Yet this women cons men into giving her money and gifts. WTF?

[feelinglost29]

You asked why I'm still married when I sought out prostitutes and basically abstain from sex with my wife. I think the answer is that I'm afraid to live without my wife. Like I said before, she is my best friend and probably the only person in this world I could say I unconditionally trust. It's warped and I realize that. Moving forward I need to erase that disconnection between sex and love of my wife. I will need to work our relationship for months or years to repair what I've unilaterally done.

 

Honestly, I wasn't expecting the responses to focus on my wife. As a previous comment said, it was the white elephant in the room; I was focusing on the other parts of the story that involved the other woman and me.

 

The reason I shared ALL of the details and left my self so open here to critical responses was because I was hoping for someone who has had something similar happen to them in their lives would post something or contact me. I know that I'm not the first person with this experience. It's complicated, messy and dirty but I'm sure someone out there has been where I'm at and I was hoping that this person (or people) could help me through what I'm going through. I know in the big picture I'm the bad guy. However, I'm also the good guy to the other woman. In a typical relationship that goes bad there are feelings of loss, sadness, maybe betrayal and other normal feelings. In my case I'm experiencing all of the normal ones along with the counter feelings because I'm the betrayer/cheater at the same time. The feelings are certainly real and I feel completely devastated and lost.

 

I don't know exactly why I fell in love with the other woman. It was probably a combination of the extreme passion, the feeling of being special to her and maybe the desire to be her white knight. At the time it felt natural, almost magical where I thought she was my soulmate. In retrospect, I believe she did love me but at some point and the initial feelings that I had for her were true for us both. Then at some point she went back to thinking of me as a customer while I stayed in-love with her.

 

I wanted sympathy but I didn't expect it. I'm a piece of crap in this story and I'm the one that created this complicated mess and I'm now whining about it. I know this. Nevertheless my heart is hurt, I do feel betrayed, ashamed, used, stupid, heartless toward my wife and simply broken. I don't have any real life friends that I could possibly share this with (after reading that story, would you?). So here I am.

 

Whatever responses I get, I'm just happy to get. I don't even know how to find a psychologist but I will find someone on Monday and start talking this through. I wasn't planning on actually doing this until this morning - I thought I could work through this on my own.

[Janesays]

You're not a good guy. A good guy does good things. Paying a prostitute and cheating on your wife are NOT good things. And you got what you deserved.

[feelinglost29]

Well that's the answer I gave to myself a thousand times over the last four years. You're right, I got exactly what I deserved. But to this other woman I did at least feel like I was HER good guy. While at the same time I knew I was the bad guy with my wife. To the other woman I felt that I was giving her a chance at a new life. I did not think that I was paying her for sex.

 

Regardless, it's the feelings that I can't get through. I don't feel like I was simply the bad guy. I feel both. My feelings are complicated and warped because I've led a complicated and warped life.

 

I need help, comments and words to help me. My wife being in the dark on all of this thankfully does not. I will repair that relationship and try my best to be the true husband that she deserves. But this will be a long road that I'm going to travel partially alone and partially with the help of a psychologist. But today I have nothing but terrible feelings and emptiness - of my own creation. Even though it's what I deserved, I am still damaged and very sad.

[CarrieT]

You asked why I'm still married when I sought out prostitutes and basically abstain from sex with my wife. I think the answer is that I'm afraid to live without my wife. Like I said before, she is my best friend and probably the only person in this world I could say I unconditionally trust. It's warped and I realize that. Moving forward I need to erase that disconnection between sex and love of my wife. I will need to work our relationship for months or years to repair what I've unilaterally done.

 

Read this. Now read it again.

 

BEST FRIENDS don't do what you did. A best friend is able to share and be open and honest about every foible and action without recrimination. Yet you won't give your wife the opportunity of being a "best friend" by being honest with her.

 

The truth is really this:

 

I'm afraid to live without my wife.

 

You have completely insulated her from know the man she is truly married to. If you honestly loved and respected her as a lover, husband and friend should, you will come clean about the affair and give HER the chance to decide if she wants to continue a life with a liar and a cheat.

 

By withholding the information from her, you are continuing the deceit as well as the farce that she is your friend. At least give her the opportunity to make an informed decision about her future. Lots of marriages survive affairs and yours may too - but at least be honest enough with your wife (however much you think it will hurt her) to let her make that decision.

[feelinglost29]

CarrieT,

 

I hope you're not right. I really do. I'm looking for someone that I can hopefully see today and I will talk this through before I seriously think about it. In the end, if you're right, I risk devastating not only my wife but our children and her family as well. I'm hopeful, so hopeful, that I can get through this without doing that.

[Ajax]

I know you were hoping for advice from someone who's been through something like what you're going through, and that certainly isn't me, but I thought I'd give my opinion nonetheless.

 

I think you have demonstrated that you have some serious issues that go far beyond the obvious fact that you were carrying on an affair and cheating on your wife. That's the surface issue. To truly move on and repair your life, you're going to have to face whatever underlying issues are that you have regarding intimacy, trust, commitment, and self worth.

 

I'm neither a medical doctor nor a psychologist, but I think it's fairly safe to say that if you were happy with yourself you'd never have been drawn into this situation to begin with. Aside from the fact that you had a wife and family, this was by no means a healthy relationship. Not by a long shot. Your "girlfriend" was for all practical purposes holding you hostage, both financially and emotionally. This would not be a healthy relationship pattern even if you were not married.

 

You owe it to yourself, your wife, and your family to make this right, and you can't do that alone. The first thing you should do is go to a doctor and get tested for STD's. Then, I think you should find a therapist or a counselor who can help you address your issues.

 

And while I've never been in your position and it's easier for me to say than for you to do, I don't see how you can fix your marriage without coming clean. Granted, by doing so you run the risk of losing it. But if you don't, both you and your wife will be living a lie. She at least deserves to make her own decision, and live her own life to the healthiest and fullest.

 

Unfortunately, that may or may not include you.

[feelinglost29]

Ajax, thank you for the words. Although these comments were not what I was looking for, and I'm still hopeful that someone will respond that has gone through this, they are extremely enlightening. I've spent years writing off and rationalizing my behavior. Never fully taking my wife into account. All night last night, as I woke up throughout the night, I had an overwhelming sense of appreciation for my wife sleeping beside me. This is new. This is real. My actions cannot be excused, or easily explained for that matter. I now clearly see that therapy is needed, and was probably needed years and years ago. I will continue to hold hope that I can repair my life and marriage without putting them both on the line. This I hope is answered through therapy.

 

Thank you again so much.

[feelinglost29]

I also think that if or when I do come clean with my wife it will have to be after I am strong enough to cope with the repercussions of what I've done. Today I'm a weak / pathetic sub-human. I absolutely need a little time and work before I cross that bridge.

[2sunny]

With a professional - it will be important to understand why you have such a strong need to rescue another. You could do that in a healthy way - by participating in charitable acts for underprivileged folks. That would serve you and others well. You could ask your wife to participate with you in that...

 

I do suggest telling your wife. She deserves to know what you need to work on. She deserves to know the real you. How can she love you - if she doesn't know the real you? It will also help her to know what work you are doing when things start to change in your life. IF things aren't changing - you aren't growing - and getting out of this dark place. So, you want her understanding why everything will be changing! You want HER changing WITH you - not against you. It takes work, effort and love - so she really does need to know if she wants this endeavor.

 

Get to a good counselor... You have much work to do. Be HONEST from here forward! You have NOTHING if you're not honest!

[M2155]

I also think that if or when I do come clean with my wife it will have to be after I am strong enough to cope with the repercussions of what I've done. Today I'm a weak / pathetic sub-human. I absolutely need a little time and work before I cross that bridge.

 

That's an excuse. You have been weak for years and you will be weak for years to come. You are years deep in this doo-doo so expect it to take years to get out of. I agree with previous posters that you are not happy with yourself. Whatever led you to start frequenting massage parlors is the issue you needed to address. Now you have masked it with a relationship that you bought. You caught feelings for her because like a drug, she made you feel something you wasn't willing to do the work to reach with what you had (your wife). I'm not talking about sex, obviously there is more. It almost sounds like you feel you need to be accepted by this prostitute now- to the point you were buying her off. You can't stand the thought of her being with another client, and I'm sure you wanted to rescue her from this world she is in- that's a good feeling (but knowing all along some other client could come along and do the same thing).

 

You have to break your attachment to the prostitute, but I find it hard to believe it was "love". Whenever she raised the price, you were the highest bidder. You were a meal-ticket for her, she was an escape for you. Unfortunately reality knocked on the door and now you can't go back.

 

Your wife is probably quite unhappy in your relationship but if she is the "best friend" you say, maybe it's he will see that it's worth fighting for. But you need to be prepared to spend some time alone...a lot of it, which will be scary. You need to get on your knees and tell her you have a confession for the ages, find an excellent counselor, and pray she will come with you. This is a devastating reality for her to hear.

 

And waiting won't make it any better for either of you. You will not get "stronger" by continuing to hide.

Edited February 11, 2012 by M2155

[Dark Phoenix]

Here comes the harsh reality.

 

You are not a bad person, contrary to what the rest of the posters on this thread think. Your view points on how you feel about your wife and the person you had an affair with are perfectly valid. I do not think you need help at all. I think you are realizing all the consequences of your actions on your own and are dealing with them the best way possible.

 

There are a lot of BITTER people in this thread giving you their perspective of how they would feel being in your wives situation and they have a right to be but they aren't able to detach and see that you are coming full circle. You aren't there yet but with time and space from the "in love" aspect of the prostitute, you will see this on your own.

 

You have done what every person does in their life, you got an itch and you chose to scratch it. This is human nature. This happens all the time. Now that you have done it, you have learned that maybe its not a good idea to scratch that itch and let it stop on its own.

 

I read your story and I do believe the prostitute was "In love" with you too from her actions. She didn't use you. Like you, I think she fell out of love and didn't want to hurt you with her actions. It shows that she cares.

 

I disagree with telling the wife. 100% She doesn't need to know right now. You need time and space to get your bearings straight. Once you get everything in your life sorted out, you then figure out what you want to do.