Ended 4-year Affair with Prostitute; Feeling Empty

[2sunny]

Here comes the harsh reality.

 

You are not a bad person, contrary to what the rest of the posters on this thread think. Your view points on how you feel about your wife and the person you had an affair with are perfectly valid. I do not think you need help at all. I think you are realizing all the consequences of your actions on your own and are dealing with them the best way possible.

 

There are a lot of BITTER people in this thread giving you their perspective of how they would feel being in your wives situation and they have a right to be but they aren't able to detach and see that you are coming full circle. You aren't there yet but with time and space from the "in love" aspect of the prostitute, you will see this on your own.

 

You have done what every person does in their life, you got an itch and you chose to scratch it. This is human nature. This happens all the time. Now that you have done it, you have learned that maybe its not a good idea to scratch that itch and let it stop on its own.

 

I read your story and I do believe the prostitute was "In love" with you too from her actions. She didn't use you. Like you, I think she fell out of love and didn't want to hurt you with her actions. It shows that she cares.

 

I disagree with telling the wife. 100% She doesn't need to know right now. You need time and space to get your bearings straight. Once you get everything in your life sorted out, you then figure out what you want to do.

 

DP - this is the worst advice I've seen. You're perspective is so off I have a hard time understanding you.

 

He hasn't been honest! Without being HONEST to himself and his wife - he has NOTHING to work from - NO starting point!

 

 

To lie more and cover it up - he may as well still be paying off the prostitute. And to say she didn't use him- BS-I repeat BS!!!

 

She used him in a very BIG way!!! She only needed a willing participant - and that was him. She took him for a big ride! Now that the ride ended - it's time for his wife to understand which ride he's been on!

 

DP - you are young. When you understand the dynamics of what a loving, kind and committed marriage looks like - come back and advise people about it ok?

[M2155]

I disagree on not telling the wife...yes get your bearings but don't wait 6 months to do it. To me that just makes it seem worse and your guilt just grows.

IF I were to not tell her anything, I'd leave out the part about her being a prostitute (on the sparing her feelings scale). The feelings, actions, motivations, results of your situation are still the same.

[Dark Phoenix]

Im not getting into an argument with people here, I dont care about the marriage aspect but my advice is spot on for self growth. Every poster in this thread has been unable to detach and see the story from his side and see how much he has grown and learned on his own. You all are bitter, calling him names, saying hes poop, etc

 

This isnt about marriage right now, he needs to get his bearings straight first, then deal with the repercussions of his actions.

Edited February 11, 2012 by Dark Phoenix

[2sunny]

Im not getting into an argument with people here, I dont care about the marriage aspect but my advice is spot on for self growth. Every poster in this thread has been unable to detach and see the story from his side and see how much he has grown and learned on his own. You all are bitter, calling him names, saying hes poop, etc

 

This isnt about marriage right now, he needs to get his bearings straight first, then deal with the repercussions of his actions.

 

I don't see people calling him names - are you delusional?

[Dark Phoenix]

DP - this is the worst advice I've seen. You're perspective is so off I have a hard time understanding you.

 

He hasn't been honest! Without being HONEST to himself and his wife - he has NOTHING to work from - NO starting point!

 

 

To lie more and cover it up - he may as well still be paying off the prostitute. And to say she didn't use him- BS-I repeat BS!!!

 

She used him in a very BIG way!!! She only needed a willing participant - and that was him. She took him for a big ride! Now that the ride ended - it's time for his wife to understand which ride he's been on!

 

DP - you are young. When you understand the dynamics of what a loving, kind and committed marriage looks like - come back and advise people about it ok?

 

He's not lying, his starting point is right here on this forum, hes being honest to himself (He's coming full circle) right now. Youre blinded by your past that you arent seeing it.

 

She didn't use him. She took what was freely given to her. If I had someone saying they are going to give me an house/office building, I would take it too.

 

When you are in a successful marriage/loving relationship, come back and tell me to not give advise about these type of posts. You still harbor bitterness and lack of understanding from your past and its shown not only in this post but other posts as well. You scream at him like he's your ex husband begging and pleading for him to get help when hes taking step 1 when he made this post.

[Graceful]

and I'm still hopeful that someone will respond that has gone through this,

 

You're more likely to find someone who has gone through something similar to this (you had an affair -- let's just call a spade a spade) in the "Infidelity" forum.

 

If you at least cross post your post there, you might get more traction from the empathetic viewpoint.

 

If there's another forum that anyone can suggest to the OP where he might be more likely to get responses from people who have had a similar experience, please suggest it. Posting this in "Breakups" expecting to see people with similar experiences just seems less likely, IMO.

[feelinglost29]

I hear you guys, I need to digest it. Right now I still have intense feelings for the prostitute and I miss her. I know that if I told my wife today she would instantly throw me out. I know that I would go directly back to the prostitute.

 

I also think I need to define a little on why I called it "love". I didn't go into too much detail in my original post because I didn't want to make a novel out of it. Maybe in writing this I will see something different, so here I go.

 

Like I said before I had been to several prostitutes before I met this woman (even before I married my wife). The routine was fairly mechanical and devoid of any emotions, with any of them. It was purely sex then done. There was never kissing, never cuddling, never talking. The day I met this woman she walked in the room and gazed at me. It was almost like we were meeting for the first time, in the real world, and we had instant chemistry. It was odd and different from any other working girl I had ever been with. During the sex she reached for me to kiss her, a first ever in my experience. Each time I saw her after it grew and grew. Maybe around the fifth or sixth week she told me that she "loved me". I did not reciprocate, I was shocked. I knew what she was and knew that I had to keep my distance. She pushed me for unprotected sex, bringing in papers that she was disease free - I realize how pointless that is when she was continuing to work as as a prostitute after the tests. We continued like this for weeks. She told me that I did not have to pay for her, I insisted. The manager of the massage parlor would tell me that she would show up early for me (I was the first client of the day) and would sometimes leave right after, i.e. she came to only see me.

 

Ultimately on her own she told me that she wanted to stop working and only see me. This was on her own, I never pressured or even asked her to do that. When we saw eachother in the hotel, I never gave her a dollar. We would kiss passionately for thirty minutes, she bought me gifts, she cried about me being married and about how we met. She also introduced me to her brother, to her niece and to her daughter (about 17 at the time). She involved me in all of her personal life, like an open book. Now to me at this time I felt that she stopped being my prostitute and our relationship evolved to GF/BF. There was an enormous amount of passion, tears and talk. No money changed hands.

 

After a while I was the one to say let's get a place, not her. I went and looked and found a very nice apartment in a new building (very expensive). I asked her to look at it and she insisted on finding something cheaper, which she did. At that point when I paid the rent, again after 4 or 5 months of not giving her ANY money, I began to give her an additional $1000 per month with the rent (for bills). For over a year this was our place alone. I slowly let down my guard. It felt real - real enough that I almost left my wife. I never bought her anything expensive and I gave her very little money (just enough in my mind to get by).

 

About six months into our new place my guards were all down and now I was in full in-love take care of this girl mode. I gave her an additional $500 per month, I bought her very extravagant gifts. I discussed her plans to open a makeup school, I worked with her in every way to get her life in order. But again, the only money I gave her was rent and an additional $1500 for bills.

 

About a year and a half into our new place she wanted her daughter to move in there. I was silently reluctant but said, "sure". I would see her daughter (now around 19) and we would have long conversations. I would drive her and her daughter to work when they needed it. Her daughter had no idea how we met, or what her mother had done for a living, but knew that I was married. Which was painfully obvious because I only came at set times and never at night.

 

During the last year of our place together, we evolved to where we would lie in bed watching TV shows for most of our time together. Her daughter would ask me for advice and I was a part of their lives. In a sick way it felt to me like I had two families. At one point, about five months ago, I ran into a financial problem. Nothing major but I was being tugged in all directions for money, all at the same time. I cried about it to her. She offered to give me her savings ($50,000) to help me through it. I fell apart crying to her. Nobody had ever offered anything like this to me. I of course didn't accept her offer, and perhaps she knew that would be the case, but it felt so real and I felt so completely in love with her and she with me.

 

Then as my initial post stated, it all fell apart. And since then, I now know that she had been working again as a prostitute for at least a year. She told me that she did it because she thought I was having financial problems and she didn't want to take my money or always be my responsibility. Mind you, she always accepted the money and gifts without hesitation. I explained in detail my finances, explaining that I could afford the money I give her and I wanted to give her more. I just didn't want her doing prostitution again. She said she understood then deceived me again instantly.

 

So while everyone is saying that she was a gold digger prostitute, it didn't feel that way to me (at least not until the end). I feel like ironically she made the same type of disconnection I made with my wife with me. She would prostitute herself, cheating on me, but in her mind only for money. I was just as guilty. It almost felt like maybe we could make it work and grow old together in this odd relationship. I have my family she has her prostitution. We were both equally unfaithful to ourselves and our relationship. But I couldn't deal with that. I told her that I needed her to be faithful; even though I was not and maybe could not ever give her the same.

 

So that's why I felt it was love. Our relationship began as client/prostitute but changed. Of the four years we saw each other I paid her for sex for a few months. Afterwards, it was rent and extra money for expenses (and for the first year of that other place it was only a place for her and I to meet and have sex, she was still paying rent on another house for her daughter and brother).

 

Did I really see it wrong? Was there really no love there, ever, at all? If I didn't have a wife, or if I had left my wife right when I met her, how would you describe it?

 

I'd like to know. I'm now sitting here thinking maybe I should call her. I'm as much of a hypocrite and liar as she is.

[2sunny]

He's not lying, his starting point is right here on this forum, hes being honest to himself (He's coming full circle) right now. Youre blinded by your past that you arent seeing it.

 

She didn't use him. She took what was freely given to her. If I had someone saying they are going to give me an house/office building, I would take it too.

 

When you are in a successful marriage/loving relationship, come back and tell me to not give advise about these type of posts. You still harbor bitterness and lack of understanding from your past and its shown not only in this post but other posts as well. You scream at him like he's your ex husband begging and pleading for him to get help when hes taking step 1 when he made this post.

Nope - not really step 1 - as he made a vow to his wife - and he hasn't kept it - theres no honesty in that.

 

Same way he feels betrayed by this OW - yes he made an agreement with her - land SHE didn't keep it. So yes, she used him. He allowed it.

 

The common denominator is him. He is responsible for how he participated. That's it... And that is the part his wife deserves to know.

 

This isn't about me - and I can assure you I'm not bitter - I'm neutral... ;-D

Advising him to get help = yep - mainly because he needs a professional to dig his way out of the place he's been hiding. He CAN be a better man and husband - if he addresses the issues he's hiding from - and works through them to the other side.

 

When you post THAT way DP - I have to think you must be referring to yourself . ;-)

[feelinglost29]

DarkPhoenix,

 

Thank you so so so much. You are the first person to make me feel like I'm not alone. I know the other people are giving their advice from the perspective of my wife and family. But this has many facets and is truly hurting me from the direction of being the betrayer and being betrayed. I am so grateful to get a different perspective that focused on the other woman and that relationship.

[2sunny]

Don't call her! Put that effort into your wife!

 

Look, she took money from you - and she didn't keep your agreement. So, yes, she used you.

 

Ask yourself WHY is it important for YOU to take care of ANY woman? That's NOT your job!

 

As a woman myself - I take care of me! IF I expected a man to take CARE of me - I'd be whoring myself out too!

 

It is each persons job to care for themselves. Then offer that healthy self to someone else.

 

Find out where YOUR healthy self is - and feed THAT healthy self - grow the healthy self BIGGER!

 

Feeding any more time and energy into this OW is not healthy - its merely running back to THAT UNhealthy person you have been.

 

Let go of the man you used to be! Find a new way to be a healthy man!

[feelinglost29]

But aren't I equally a hypocrite here? She told me, during our 3 hour conversation yesterday, that she wanted to see me and didn't want me to pay anything. She would get a smaller place and we would see eachother there. She didn't try to lie about not working anymore, but she told me I didn't have to give her a dime. The double edged blade that this is that I would then know that she was working even more to pay her bills on her own. But again, she offered and wants me without any money involved...

 

I'm feeling weak.. Yes.. But I'm no better than she is. Putting my wife aside for a moment, if she does not want my money and would continue it that way then the hypocricy would simply be two sided and open.

[2sunny]

But aren't I equally a hypocrite here? She told me, during our 3 hour conversation yesterday, that she wanted to see me and didn't want me to pay anything. She would get a smaller place and we would see eachother there. She didn't try to lie about not working anymore, but she told me I didn't have to give her a dime. The double edged blade that this is that I would then know that she was working even more to pay her bills on her own. But again, she offered and wants me without any money involved...

 

I'm feeling weak.. Yes.. But I'm no better than she is. Putting my wife aside for a moment, if she does not want my money and would continue it that way then the hypocricy would simply be two sided and open.

 

Just let your wife know.

 

Since you still harbor thoughts of being with a prostitute - I suggest you divorce your wife... Then you can be free to do whatever you wish...

 

Proper order is key. Tell your wife. Then see the prostitute knowing full well she intends to use you for anything you will give her.

[feelinglost29]

I don't even know if this is a possibility now that MY feelings have evolved to where I'm possessive of her (unlike when we originally met). I would still always remember, like I did all night list night, reading the those texts to her clients. Calling them the same name "baby" as she does to me. I would think about other men touching her and it would hurt, probably worse than I hurt now. HOWEVER, isn't this exactly what she put up with me? That I lie in bed with another woman every night. That I eat dinner with another woman every night? That I tell another woman that I love her every night. That I pay for another woman in every way, albeit my wife. That I am married and that I have vows to another wife that I'm unwilling to divorce myself from.

 

How am I better? How would I be worse going back?

[2sunny]

I don't even know if this is a possibility now that MY feelings have evolved to where I'm possessive of her (unlike when we originally met). I would still always remember, like I did all night list night, reading the those texts to her clients. Calling them the same name "baby" as she does to me. I would think about other men touching her and it would hurt, probably worse than I hurt now. HOWEVER, isn't this exactly what she put up with me? That I lie in bed with another woman every night. That I eat dinner with another woman every night? That I tell another woman that I love her every night. That I pay for another woman in every way, albeit my wife. That I am married and that I have vows to another wife that I'm unwilling to divorce myself from.

 

How am I better? How would I be worse going back?

 

Find out why you are so empty inside that you would choose this path... You are selling your broken soul... Much the same as the prostitute does... Maybe you are a match? Maybe...

[feelinglost29]

Sigh. And that is pathetic. If you knew me in the real world you would never expect this from me, I appear so damn put together... It's all crap, all of it. Is it weakness, is it pragmatism? Either way 2sunny thank you.

[Cmac]

Man up and tell your wife. If she leaves you she leaves you, you deserve it really.

[2sunny]

It's not pathetic if you learn and grow from all of it!

[EspressoTorte]

Sigh. And that is pathetic. If you knew me in the real world you would never expect this from me, I appear so damn put together... It's all crap, all of it. Is it weakness, is it pragmatism? Either way 2sunny thank you.

 

If you thought you were "above" this kind of thing going in, then why did you let it spiral so far down?

[2sunny]

I suggest you go somewhere for a long while and be on your own.

 

Away from the wife - away from the OW. No contact - and find out what you really are all about.

 

You have some soul searching to do - and don't need distractions from the women around you.

 

This IS about YOU... Find out about you ASAP.

[M2155]

When someone breaks our heart, we are weak. There are people on this board broken up over way less and would go running at the first text, for a very long time, so it's not odd to feel weak...but don't use that as an excuse to delay taking steps to put your relationships back on track, however you decide to do it, and however hard they may be. The emotional rush you are seeking is hard to say no to, but will it lead to happiness or more heartbreak? The song Temptation is going through my head right now.

 

But i agree it is hard to get people on a break up forum to tell you how to win back the prostitute without ending your marriage first (any committed relationship for that matter). It sounds like you want to keep a wife on the side...and I don't even think prostitute should be ok with that- so yep, lots of hypocrisy in this one.

[LadyGrey]

You should just tell your wife that you stopped loving her (clearly you did), tell her that it has nothing to do with her, that you are a broken man, then file for divorce. Leave the other woman alone and figure out why you did such disgusting things, hookers and letting one use you like that. Divorce her, that is the least you can do and the kindest thing at this point.

[Afishwithabike]

I think you're trolling. Your style of writing is very familiar.

[kkay]

Feelinglost,

 

No doubt you are hurt and confused but I work with victims of crime and I have seen cases like this (minus the affair) many times. You're a victim. A victim of romance fraud. Google it. You'll find many cases that read just like yours. The men I have counseled truly cared for the women they were in "relationships" with and after a long period of self reflection they realize they've been taken advantage of in the most intimate and painful way. In noway do I condone your behavior but I can respect your pain. Unfortunately this is the beginning of a very long and painful journey for you but in the end the self discovery you will experiencr will be worth it.

 

Wishing you the best on your long journey of self reflection...

[feelinglost29]

Everyone here saying I should tell my wife, as if that is some badge of courage, should understand the following... If I were to tell my wife I am almost certain that she would throw me out. I would end up back in the arms of the prostitute. I am almost certain that she would not accept what has happened, almost 100% certain. So, within a few months or let's say a year, I will be unable to afford to pay for my wifes extravagant lifestyle and maintain any semblance of what I have today. If I gave my wife 60% of everything I make, in a divorce, she still couldn't make ends meet in the home/lifestyle that she and my kids are currently in. So now my kids are out of their home, my wife is devastated and forced to adjust to a new lifestyle and I'm out with the prostitute full time. THAT is the reality of what will happen. This will not be my choice, it will be the inevitable outcome of a divorce. I am the sole money maker. She has no ability to make 1/10th of what our family lifestyle costs, another simple fact. I know the obvious comments are coming that it's my fault and I should live with 30% of my income... That's not going to work for me, inevitably. And how's this, suppose my wife takes that angry position? Now we will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on attorneys... That's the reality.

 

On the other hand I can choose to keep this to myself, at least for the time being, and work through my issues with a psychiatrist or whatever. In the end the goal would be to make myself a better person but save my family the heartache and pain that would come from a divorce. Ultimately making sure I never repeat the stupidity that I just went through.

 

While the easy comment would be "what did you expect", or maybe "you deserved this", I will say that both are true but there will be serious unintended consequences of that courageous move of telling my wife. Nobody will win in that scenario, nobody.

 

Truly, what my wife deserves is a husband that doesn't cheat or take risks with his family. Whether or not she "deserves" to know the truth is another subject which I think has dire consequences.

 

I wrote this for empathy and maybe some advice from someone who has been through this. You see, right now, today, my concern is with me - not my wife. I am going through the pain today, not my wife. I am going through the unfavorable self realization of what I've become, not my wife. I can choose to deal with it silently, at least for the moment, or spread the pain and damage around.

[anne1707]

What do you care more about? Your wife or your money?

 

(and this is from a former WS)