jmargel Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 For the past few days my fiancee has been acting kinda distant, so I didn't pursue it. This morning she was affectionate in bed, but then after I took a shower all I mentioned was that she left her curling iron plugged in, and she made a remark. So, I didn't want to agrue so I was downstairs, but then I had to go. I yelled up the steps that 'I love you', and I heard her say it very faintly. I know her period is next week, so I don't know if its PMS or what. We have our counciling tonight. She sent me an email this morning: Good Morning, I hope you are having a good day. I was wondering if I could go to counseling by myself tonight. I feel that I cannot get anything resolved when you are there. I would like to talk to her by myself. You can go along, if you want...but I would like to talk about my issues alone. Talk to you soon, Brandy I have no clue what that means. And maybe i'm being over-sensitive but notice how she didn't even put 'Love, Brandy'? She went last night with her mom to look at flowers for the wedding, and we just sent out invitations two days ago. It's really spooking me. I wrote back asking if everything between us is ok, but she hasn't replied yet. I'm stuck here bored at work, but leaving early. I just can't sit around and wonder. I have been giving her more space, and doing the things that need to be done. I'm just confused on why she is acting this way. Maybe it's the stress of it all, which is what I tell her. New job, moving in, planning the wedding. It all happened at once. I really don't want to postpone it, we have everything just about done and I'm looking so forward to marrying her. But with me being insecure as it is, I take this as a bad sign. I just don't know what to do. You think I'm over-reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 I don't think you are over~reacting. It is sometimes the little things that can send a person into a tail spin (writing talk to you soon instead of love) and little hidden signals that you just don't know what they are suppose to mean. I know if I want my S/O to understand I am upset or what not, I will sign emails with my name instead of just me. (LOL, same as he does now too). If it is possible, let her go to counseling alone with the understanding that when she is done tonight, that the two of you can sit down and discuss what is going on. If it is being overly stressed that is easy to deal with, but if there is a more serious problem going on ... it would be better to find out now than two minutes before the wedding... or even on the way to the honeymoon. I wish you the very best of luck and hoping it is just a case of too much going on at one time Link to post Share on other sites
JustSoRight Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Let her go to counseling alone. She is probably very stressed and needs this session by herself. Lots of people freak out before getting married and it has nothing to do with them not being in love anymore or not wanting to get married. It's just a huge commitment and it shouldn't be taken lightly. And it could very well be PMS. LOL. I have been like that myself a time or two. The littlest thing can set me off, and I'm thinking damn, why can't he be more considerate? Couldn't he have just shut it off and not said anything. I don't need someone telling me how I screwed up again. That is how my mind works when I am PMSing. My poor kids. I feel bad for them. LOL Anyways I hope this helps a little. Relax, and congrats on your impending marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 3, 2004 Author Share Posted June 3, 2004 Wow.. when I mentioned the curiling iron I didn't mean for her to think she 'screwed' up again. Lately she's been telling me at the sessions that all I do is complain. It's not that, it's just somethings I needed to get cleared up. I was actually going to let her talk the whole time tonight before she sent the email. I usually do most of the talking, and when I ask what's wrong I hardly get any response from her. It's frustrating. I know the stress gets to her, and she'll say stupid things to me like 'I dont like living here, etc..' but that is how she vents. Once that is over things seems to be good. Her parents are divorced and both in a bad marriage now. Especially her dad. And they are coming to us with their problems, and I'm getting the feeling this could be rubbing off on Brandy. We went over for dinner the other night and they started fighting. It's not good for us to be there when you feel the stress in the air. But he's been calling us quite a bit asking for us to come over. I think of my life without her, is not one I want to live. I'm just glad she finally has someone she's willing to talk to who's not opinionated. Her mom has already told her it's too soon to marry, and Brandy's step-mom has told me it's too soon, that she doesnt want Brandy to treat me the way she is being treated by her dad. I can tell things changed, before she was SO happy.. Since she moved in (she also went cold turkey on her anti-depressants at the same time) she has these mood swings. I know I have to be patient, but last Friday I told her I don't know how much longer I can ride this roller coaster. It was just me being frustrated at that point. Not that I don't love her or don't want to marry her. I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Normally you don't like my advice, but here it goes. Yes, planning a wedding is incredibly stressful and can cause more fights than normal. It can also cause the woman to test the man a little bit just to make sure that he is in it as much as she is. Add to the PMS, and yes she could be acting not like herself. That to me is all just part of the stress of planning a wedding and quite normal. I think you are reading too much into the fact that she didn't write 'love' in the email. IMO, It doesn't need to be there on every email or said everytime as long as it is felt by both parties. However, what I do find concerning is the fact that she doesn't want you in her counselling session. This could be innocent and that she just wants to put to rest some issues she had before being with you. But, I don't think so. I also think it is strange that she didn't tell you this face to face or over the phone but in an email - the most impersonal form of communication IMO. I think it is a way of her adding some space and needing to sort things out in her head and that she is not yet ready to tell or talk to you about them. I think in this stage of the game with your wedding about three months away, this should not be happenning. You've known all along I think there are issues and warning bells in this relationship. But I am not the one who has to live with it, you do. Only you can decide what to believe and what is right for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 You are overanalyzing way too much - why don't you try focusing on yourself and thinking about the wedding to be?? That sounds like more fun and would be way more productive. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
JustSoRight Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 You said: I can tell things changed, before she was SO happy.. Since she moved in (she also went cold turkey on her anti-depressants at the same time) she has these mood swings. I know I have to be patient, but last Friday I told her I don't know how much longer I can ride this roller coaster. It was just me being frustrated at that point. Not that I don't love her or don't want to marry her. I do. OK here's the deal. No one should just quit anti-depressants. I myself am on Prozac and when I tried I went downhill very quickly. When I started taking them again I became myself again. Fun loving, not letting the little things bug me so much, and I had a clearer picture of the things around me. She should speak to her doctor about whether or not she should go off them. I don't know how you can approach this without her thinking you are nagging her. Secondly she needs people to stop influencing the relationship you two have. Damn if I kept getting told I was rushing things, or hearing how bad marriage is, I would be like that too. She'll come to you when the time is right for her. I know it's bugging you, putting you on edge. But you can't pressure her to talk. Just be patient. I know it's hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 3, 2004 Author Share Posted June 3, 2004 It is hard, on my way home from work I called her. Asking her if everything is ok. She told me I worry too much, but it's almost like she makes me worry with some of the things she does. I know i'm over sensitive and it's because of my past. Then on the phone she got on my case again, because her mom was planning a surprise bridal shower, and brandy saw me get something from her mom yesterday. She kept asking, saying she doesn't like surprises so I told her. But then I said you already know anyway, and then made the mistake of telling brandy, her mom & me talked and I accidently told her that one of her friends said she talked to her mom (her friend and brandy's mom didn't know each other until then.. her mom called her friend to invite her). Brandy then went off the deep end saying I should've kept my mouth shut, etc.. I mean damn, I can understand how that would get someone annoyed, but I would never go off on her like she does me. In fact I really never snapped at her yet. I'm the type that wants to talk things out but i'm getting ever so close to just going off on her one of these days. She's had alot of abuse in her past life, along with being raped and having a baby that died during delivery. I can tell this has had a profound effect on her. Her dad who neglected her when she was a child, now wants to spend alot of time with her. Though most of it is him bitching about his wife. It's not even fun to go over there anymore. I tell her alot that I love her, that's just my nature. She said that with her hearing it so much it feels like I don't mean it. I just don't understand women, because my ex was the opposite. It's like a guessing game. I thought by showing her as much love as I can, that I would be helping her since she was neglected & left alone so much. As far as tonight, I'll just stay in the waiting room unless they want me. I won't ask her any questions afterwards (though it's going to be hard) unless she starts talking to me about it first. I'm the affectionate type, and even brandy's sister-in-law told me that her brother (the guy she is married too) acted the same way as Brandy. Very stingy on affection, etc.. She then said one day he just changed out of the blue and she doesnt know what she did for that to happen. It's just tough because the times we have that are good, are the best I've ever had. Just lately she's been depressed. We'll talk on the phone and she's excited to talk to me, but when I come home I'm lucky to get a 'hello'. I can't remember the last time she came upto me & hugged or kissed me hello. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 I can't remember the last time she came upto me & hugged or kissed me hello. That is the saddest thing I've heard from someone planning to get married. I hope you know what you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 3, 2004 Author Share Posted June 3, 2004 I know it's sad and any doubts I have about marriage (which is normal) is because of that kinda stuff. That is also the stuff that makes my insecurity worse. Her sister-in-law had the same problem with her husband (Brandy's brother). When she would hug him, he wouldn't even put his arms around her. They must have had some pretty bad times in their past. It's almost like they don't know how to accept love in the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 It appears as though she's had a lot of crap to deal with in her past and this is her 'baggage', so to speak. If you want to be with her and marry her, you're going to have to find a way to deal with it. This will not be a quick and easy change but will require a lot of patience and understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Hi jmargel. Let her go to the counselling alone, and then set aside time to talk together about what's going on, and where she is at with things. That seems only fair. I would feel insecure and notice the sort of signals you've mentioned too. I am pretty sensitive by nature. Talking is important. You've been giving her space, now she needs to give you some time and honesty. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 4, 2004 Author Share Posted June 4, 2004 Well last night she went in for 30 mins alone, then I went in. I told the councilor how she's been seeming distant to me. The councilor told me that she sees a depression in her, and told me she recommended that she get back on some anti-depressants. And that she may need to see a psychologist. I then told the councilor about some of her horrible past, which she wasn't aware of. Her jaw just literally dropped. I told her with that in mind, I didn't know how to approach her when she got into this bad or down mood. She told me when that happens to let her know that 'Im here for her, and if you want to talk I'll be here to listen'. If she doesn't want to, then to give her, her space. And in return she'll appreciate me more. During the time I was talking I got scared because the councilor said she is going to be facing alot that she's hidden for so long, and there is always the chance of us not working out. But she said the chances of you not working out are far greater if we didn't come to the counciling. She's also said that I need to stand up when somethings happen that I don't like. She said last time in counciling when she mentioned I should do that, Brandy's face lit up as if to say 'That's what I want'. Brandy herself has told me that, to be a little more direct on things. When we got into the car she asked me what we talked about, because she said I looked down. I told her we just talked about my issues on how to deal with my insecurity and how I should approach things. She then told me what the councilor said, that she should be put on medication. She said she feels 'bored' and 'detached' from the world. She's also PMSing too, had really bad cramps last night. I told her I don't want you hopped up on meds if you don't want to, but she said the meds make her feel 'mellowed' out and she likes to be fiery at times. But that she knows it's hard to deal with people that way. My heart goes out to her, because I know she hasn't scratched the surface in dealing with her past. And yes, I'm going to be there for her, I won't leave her like everyone else has in her life. Knowing now that she is willing to face what is ahead of her, my shoulders can take whatever they have to endure. I really don't believe she wants to leave me, like the councilor said I'm the person that she cherishes most, and sometimes anger and control are thrown upon the person closest to them. And this is just a reaction to what they are going through. I don't want to postpone the wedding, because I do love her & want her to get through this. Postponing the wedding would do more harm than good. I want her to feel safe with me. Last night was extremely helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
JustSoRight Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 I'm glad you got some of your answers. She does need to be on the meds though with proper counseling to deal with things from her past. Trust me they don't hop you up. They just balance you out to where you can actually fuction without extreme mood swings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 4, 2004 Author Share Posted June 4, 2004 She was on LexiPro for a couple of months and went cold turkey on it. I was on paxil years ago, and I felt awful. So I am concerned about that. Anyone have any experience with Wellbutrin XL? It seems to not have the side effects like most others have. Link to post Share on other sites
JustSoRight Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 Nope sorry. I'm on Prozac and have no side effects at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 I tried having a good time Friday night with her, but it was just her poking fun at me the whole night. I can take comments now & then, but it got pretty bad. During dinner Friday night I asked if she wanted to goto NYC with me, because we were thinking about it. Her reply was 'I don't want to go with you', and then would give some stupid reasons why. I walked out with her & then asked her why is she treating me so bad? Didn't get much of a response. Saturday was the same basically. On her way over to her family reunion she said she told the councilor she wasn't happy, but that she didnt know if it was in general or with me. I told her the past month or two she's been treating me really bad and that I love her but I won't stay where I am going to be walked on. That if she's not happy about me with something to tell me, but to just push me out of her life without any reason is not right. She decided to get back on her meds, and got it refilled that afternoon. Sunday morning came and she was like a different person. Seems like she was so much calmer and happy with me. The things that would normally upset her (the little things which shouldnt) didn't. She was dreading trying on her wedding dress because she knew she gained weight. Two weeks ago she was so upset about it, but then I was paying for it as well (the way she was treating me). So yesterday we went to try it on because my grandmother was suppose to alter it. Well, she couldn't even zipper it up. I felt bad because she was so disappointed, but before her reaction would be stuff like 'Im not getting married now, etc..'. Her reaction was different. She was upset but at least could laugh about it. She's been more affectionate with me too. We went to her dad's last night and all he did was bitch about his wife & work again. He has major anger problems and I think Brandy knows where her anger has been coming from. We have a session on Wed., so I'm hoping her mind is a little more clear when she talks to her. The lexipro is helping, but she still needs to deal with her issues. Brandy admitted to me yesterday that the councilor told her that she didn't see anything wrong with me, that alot of the issues she has is within' herself. I didn't say anything to that, because I didn't want her getting defensive, or for her to think I would throw it back in her face. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 I know that you love her and you want to be to one person who doesn't leave her - but I have to ask - what are you getting out of it? Are you even happy? Granted, I'm getting married this summer too and I know that planning a wedding is stressful and can cause more scraps than normal - but it shouldn't cause you to treat your fiance badly. Think carefully about this. Is this how you want to spend your life? Link to post Share on other sites
JustSoRight Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Just to let you know. I can take 2 weeks to a month for the meds to completely take effect. She's either acting more like herself because she came to a conclusion when you told her you wouldn't take it anymore or she could be acting like everything's fine. Just be careful. I really wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, because someone isn't willing to really treat the other with the respect they deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Originally posted by JustSoRight Just to let you know. I can take 2 weeks to a month for the meds to completely take effect. She's either acting more like herself because she came to a conclusion when you told her you wouldn't take it anymore or she could be acting like everything's fine. Some people are VERY sensetive to SSRI's and can see dramatic differences in one day as well. Everyone reacts differently. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Jmargel You already know I think this whole venture is unwise. Take it from one who took on a person with major issues and who wanted, too, to be 'the one who stuck by' when everyone else quit. Our biggest mistake was to live together. I should have remained a friend and I could then have helped him. The dynamic of a couple relationship mitigates against being of real help to people like this. In itself, the relationship adds even more stress to an already stressed person. She won't be ready to be married for a long time. She needs to get through all her issues. She cannot be an equal partner to you the way she is now. Rather, it will continue as it has been - you are, functionally, in a 'caregiver' role; more a parent than a partner. You are the one doing all the understanding, supporting, compromising, and managing. She does what she does based on how she feels on any given day and makes no effort to govern her actions towards you. She probably can't. She has too much going on inside herself to have enough left over to be a full partner to you. This sort of relationship doesn't really work as a marriage. before she was SO happy.. Since she moved in (she also went cold turkey on her anti-depressants at the same time) she has these mood swings. Bad sign. And, as everyone said, nobody should ever quit these meds cold turkey. I told her I don't want you hopped up on meds if you don't want to That you had a bad experience with one drug does not mean they are bad or useless. A person has to work with the doc to find the right med at the right dose and, yes, that can take some time and experimentation because everyone's body chemistry is different. You're certainly not going to help matters if you dissuade her by using terms like 'hopped up'. You could still remain engaged but postpone the wedding for a year to take the stress off, you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 Everything is ready for the wedding, besides I really don't want to postpone it. As long as she continues to goto counciling and making progress I want to keep things on track. She knows where I stand in regards to what I will & will not accept from her. I listen closely to what my councilor tells me because of her background and the 30 years of being a marriage councilor. Talking to us both privately she told me that she can see Brandy loves & cherishes me, but that she may not fully understand how to accept unconditional love. I'm following her advice in that if she steps over the boundaries with me, I speak up & put a stop to it. If she gets depressed, to let her know i'm there for her, but if she doesn't want to talk about it, then to let it go & give her the time to think things through. When I was just a friend to her I saw her act this way before. When she is hurt, she acts like her dad. Doesn't know how to vent it correctly. Like I said before I'm not going to quit on her just so that she can dig the hole deeper. I love her, and at some point in time everyone who has problems such as these, needs someone close. She's not close with her dad, and she's not really connected with her mom. She's been detached from the world for quite a long time now, even her ex-bf of eight years neglected her all the time. She's told me herself she's not used to being treated like this, and maybe thinks she doesn't deserve it. Who knows. Only she'll be able to figure that out. On that note, i'll only take so much as well. If things get worse or don't improve I always have that option to call it off. But not everything is bad. On a scale of 1-10 w/ the relationship, happiness wise, I rate it a 7. The next few months will tell alot. At least she's admitting she has a problem and willing to work on it. There's quite a few partners of people who write on here who won't even admit that. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 You obviously love her a lot. I hope you don't get hurt. And I wish you both luck in working through this. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel She was on LexiPro for a couple of months and went cold turkey on it. I was on paxil years ago, and I felt awful. So I am concerned about that. Anyone have any experience with Wellbutrin XL? It seems to not have the side effects like most others have. I have experience with all three and others as well. I'm on Wellbutrin XL and have no problems with it. I've been on Wellbutrin for several years. Link to post Share on other sites
katie79 Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 LOL! PMS, a warning to all men can be deadly. If that was what you think was her excuse for being mean and wierd was, you are probably right! No, you're not over-reacting. Keep in mind all people have their faults. Putting up with it is what makes a marriage work! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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