How Do I Heal From My Child Abuse..?

[IAmOne]

This is a long story about my life, if you would mind reading it and replying to it with your advice and what you think I should do I would really appreciate it, thank you.

 

Hi everyone I'm josh(anonymous name), and my real age is 18. I am seeking for help/answers and I found this website so I thought I'd give it a try talking about what I went through in my young life and in my recent life. I am not trying to talk to a counselor right now so please don't refer me to a conselor. I am trying to cope with this by myself for right now and with the help of others, such as people like you guys(people that are network-wise and really don't know who I am so I can stay anonymous and feel less embarrassed). I know I probablly shouldn't feel embarrassed of all this but it's the way all this made me feel. So this is what happened, with a little of my life involved too.

I was sexually abused/molested when I was a young boy while on a month vacation trip in mexico by one of my more older male cousins(lets call him Ricky). I dont remember how old I was, but I would say about 9.

It was 'El Dia De Los Reyes'(sort of like Christmas but in mexico), and I asked for the first playstation because I thought it was the awsome game system ever. I ended up getting the playstation, and I was so excited that I wanted to show it off to all cousins. My older cousin Ricky wanted to play it, so I brought it to his house and my cousins(Ricky's famiy), Ricky and I were playing it all day. When it was time to leave Ricky and my other cousins said I should stay over, so I asked my dad if I could, and he let me. There was a bunk bed, and my cousins slept on the bottom bunk while I slept on the top bunk with Ricky. We were about to fall sleep next to each other while facing the opposite direction; he turned over to me and started touching me. I was confused and scared(but mostly confused), I didnt know what to do or what I should do. He started started first started touching and then start squeezing my privates until it kind of hurt me a little bit. He asked me "Does it hurt? Just tell me when it hurts okay?". I didnt know what to say or do so I just said "No it doesn't". He continued on touching me for a bit longer and I just stayed there laying down wondering when he's going to stop and if my cousins on the bottom bunk are still awake listening us, I was embarrassed. I don't remember when we finally slept, nor did I remember what I did or how I felt the next day; all I could remember was that very moment. It's scarred in my brain.

I havn't visited mexico for 4years, until this December my family and I went. My dad is very close to my uncle(Ricky's dad), and when we arrived, his house was the first house we went to. I saw Ricky but I acted like I had forgoten everything that happend. I was more bigger(more muscular and taller) and I reached his height by now. Part of me was thinking "I should just forget about everything, and the other part of me was thinking "I'm going to sock this guy and really damage him and make him feel the pain and mental suffering I've been going through for all these years while he stands there and pretends like nothing happened". I don't know why I didn't do it.. I probablly should of? I probablly should of damaged him and, in my mind, finally call it even, for now i can defend myself when I couldn't of done so when all that happened. As of today I regret not hurting him. I told my parents about it over a text when I first talked about all this with my first love(gf, now my ex). I told my parents about a year ago of all this and told them not to say anything because I didn't want to stir problems, but I maybe shoudn't of said that. When we went to mexico this last time, I really dont think my parents mentioned anything about it. I somehow hoped that they would so Ricky would be noticed about it so he can atleast apologize about it to my face. That would probablly make me feel alot better. But they didn't mention a single thing. Wouldn't you think as parents they would of mentioned it whether i told them not to say anything?

Ever since I was growing up I was a different kid, I've delt with a strong deppression that started at 9th grade. Those were the years when I started becoming more locked in my room and not wanting to communicate and have a social life. It's not really not I didn't want to communicate, but more like I had really hard trouble trying to, because communication for me was very difficult for some reason. I also have a little low self asteem and I'm sometimes just to afraid to walk around campus because of the way people might stare at me(like possiblly make fun of the way I look or how I dress). Like it bothers me somtimes of what people think about me in person, but when I'm by myself it's like I could care less. It all changes when I'm out in public though, like everyone has a better life than me and I'm all alone with no friends at all. And the truth is that I don't have much friends I hang out with anymore ever since I stopped doing drugs(because that was main reason why i went out and communicated with my "friends"). I only have "Facebook Friends" I talk to and feel like they are my friends, but most of them don't even live in my location. I'm afraid to try to communicate with people because I'm just quiet and if I talk, I might talk about things that they might think are strange or "weird". Most of my friends call me weird because I even know I am. I think about crazy things(but NEVER attempted or even wanted to do them) like suicide just to see who would actually miss me and care about me, things like homicide like I would picture in my head commiting a homicide over and over and over(but I would NEVER want to), also other strange things. I don't know if thats normal or not.

I also had a drug history. I started expierencing with drugs in 8th grade(to this day I've been sober from drugs and I'm keeping it that way so please don't critisize my past because I am done with all that and its behind). My first drug was exctasy and it made me feel really good. I started smoking marijuana in 9th grade and it also made me feel good because I could finally communicate while I was high and I liked communicating. I started drinking intensely in 10th grade; I also liked the way alcohol made me feel because I could really communicate while I was buzzing. At the begining of my 11th grade of high school, I started doing cocaine. Cocaine made me feel more better and way more talkative, I liked that. A couple months after I was doing cocaine is when I first tried crystal meth, and that high was the best high I've experienced and I loved the way it made me talk a lot more to people. It made me want to get out and do anything, such as hanging out with all my friends and driving around cruising. It made me feel like I wasn't alone anymore because I was communicating with more people now in person. Which was very bad because I was only hurting myself and my body. But I stopped now and I feel very good about myself for that; I might drink every now and then and smoke a couple of cigarettes, but NOTHING like my past and I'm tryng to keep it without having the same habits that I once had.

In my last real relationship(which was a year ago) with my first love, it seemed like I was addicted to sex. Everytime I was with her, I always wanted to have sex with her and when she didn't want to, I would get upset. I never knew why I felt like this, I just knew that I did and I couldnt control it. I also had anger problems and when she would get me mad I couldn't control the hurtful words I said to her. Later, she had told me that she went through a sexual abuse with her dad's stepson. I tried to help her and i asked if she had told her mom about it, she said she hasn't. I told her that first she had to tell her and if she wanted me to come with her that I would. We went to her mom and told her about it and talked about it and later we got her into counseling. After everything she told me, I felt like telling her about what happened to me too, and I did. I broke down when I told her about it; she was the first person that I told. I asked her if she thinks that that's the reason why I am this way, she said "Yes I think so, because my counceler told me that mostly all sex addicts got sexually abused/molested when they were little". I started thinking that thats the reason why i am like this and why I'm not really a social person.

I really don't know if it's the cause of being sexually abused/molested or the cause of my drug history the reason why I am the way I am and think the way I think. Maybe both of those reasons have something to do with it. As of a couple days ago, my ex told me that I should go to counseling but I said that it's not affecting me at all anymore. She told me "How do you even know that?". Can it still be affecting me without me not even noticing it? I havn't been thinking about my abuse ever since a month and a half ago when I came back from mexico. The time I started thinking about it again was when my ex decided to text me and asked if I had ever gone to counseling just a couple days ago. Should I give it time and just wait until I forget about what happened and just focus on my college class and try to get a job? If you can, can anybody please give me advice on what you think I should do, because i don't know what to do. Thank you and God bless all of you.

[CarrieT]

I am a child abuse victim and a rape victim.

 

You need to see a therapist. You don't just heal from child abuse. You must have special training in qualified hands to learn to live with it. It isn't like a cut that will eventually heal and be forgotten - it is like a major surgery that is dealt with every day for the rest of your life.

 

There is a point where certain things will trigger you to want to do bad things (like drugs) and getting therapy can teach you how to avoid those triggers and channel them into more positive action.

 

I have been down your path (yes, addicted to sex as well) and can only reiterate: Therapy.

[IAmOne]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

I've been thinking about going to therapy but I wasn't sure because I thought it wasn't going to make a difference if it happened years ago. But I'm going now for sure though and see how it's going to help me out. Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it.

[IAmOne]

Because obviously i didn't care how old I was; all i cared about was that it happened to me that i didn't even pay attention to some pointless age and over all the years i had already forgoten how old I even was when it happened because the age wasn't as important to me. All I know is that it was the first time I had visited mexico which was when I was around 9. And right now the cousin is around 29 or around that age. I don't keep track of ages; I only keep track of what happened to me.

[Patrice]

Best thing you can do, is to get into therapy ... it's rearing it's ugly head for a reason. You want the best chance for a happy and successful life. You're young ... get in with a trained professional to deal with this. If you want connections let me know your area. I am a professional counselor.

[Patrice]

Dust, you are way outside the bounds ... if you don't understand childhood

sexual abuse, you don't.

[RecordProducer]

IAmOne, I envy you. The abuse you endured compared to all the sexual abuse I endured is like a crumb of bread compared to a mountain. Hope this makes you feel a little bit better. I too have had a drinking problem for 20 years (in the phase of healing now) and am somewhat messed up. I never saw a therapist about it, but I think I should have.

[Downtown]

He first started touching and then start squeezing my privates ... He continued on touching me for a bit longer....

Josh, being touched on your privates for "a bit longer" by a young boy near your age does not constitute "sexual abuse." Such exploration by heterosexual boys is very common. The Kinsey Reports found, for example, that that nearly 46% of the male subjects had "reacted" sexually to persons of both sexes in the course of their adult lives, and 37% had at least one homosexual experience. The vast majority of the boys survive these experiences just fine and did not feel traumatized by the experiences.

 

This does not mean, however, that YOU did not feel traumatized. But, if you did, it likely was due to an over-sensitivity that you already had. Typically, such over-sensitivities start at about age 3 or 4, when the child is trying to develop a strong self image.

I've delt with a strong deppression that started at 9th grade. Those were the years when I started becoming more locked in my room and not wanting to communicate and have a social life. ...

Although the over-sensitivity starts in early childhood, the effects on your life typically do not start showing until about 9th or 10th grade. The reason is that, when you enter high school, this is the first time in your life that you are expected to establish and sustain long term relationships outside the family. That process of learning how to make LTRs is difficult enough without the over-sensitivity, which causes you to over-react to other kids and to feel "rejected" or "insulted" even when no bad intent was present. That is, your perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations will be distorted.

 

Significantly, this distorton of perceptions is experienced by every adult on the planet whenever they experience intense feelings, as when they are very angry. If it is occurring more frequently with you, it likely is because you have trouble controlling your emotions and thus experience intense feelings more frequently than other people do. This could explain, for example, why you have difficulty controlling your anger -- and the terrible words you say -- when you feel offended by your GF.

Most of my friends call me weird because I even know I am. I think about crazy things(but NEVER attempted or even wanted to do them) like suicide ...I also had anger problems and when she would get me mad I couldn't control the hurtful words I said to her.

Josh, unless you had a recent brain injury in a car accident, these sorts of issues almost certainly originated at age 3 or 4 -- and thus have nothing to do with your experience with Ricky in Mexico.

Should I give it time and just wait until I forget about what happened and just focus on my college class and try to get a job? If you can, can anybody please give me advice on what you think I should do, because i don't know what to do.

I suggest you forget about the minor incident in Mexico. You nonetheless have anger and low-self-esteem issues that you should be working on -- or they will keep undermining your attempts to make friends and keep GFs. (This does NOT imply, however, that there is anything "crazy" about you.)

 

Normally, folks who have such an over-sensitivity to other people are completely unaware of the problem because they've been thinking that way their entire lives, making the distortion invisible to them. In contrast, you apparently have an amazing level of self awareness -- being able to see that you have such issues. You therefore should do very well in a good therapy program.

 

Granted, you can make some progress by just reading about such issues. But you won't get very far on your own. You need professional guidance. It is impossible to step outside yourself and see what you may be doing wrong. That's why psychologists do not try to treat themselves. Instead, they go for private sessions with a trusted colleague. Take care, Josh.

[IAmOne]

Patrice: yea Dust has no idea about the way im thinking/feeling about all this and all he's asking me is "How come you dont remember how old you were?", like what difference does it make about how old i was or if i cant remember. But yea, im going to make an apt with the same counselor that helped my ex. Im going to go and see how all that helps out. Thanks for asking if i needed connections though. Thank you<3

 

RecordProducer: yea it makes me feel a little better thank you(: And it still isnt late for you to see a therapist you know. It would really help with the healing phase. Since im going to go see a counselor now, i think you should also go see a therapist. You better or else<3 (: jk But thank you too.

 

Downtown, thank you for taking your time and writing down all that info, i really really appreciate it. But the cousin was almost nearly double my age when that happened, hes around 28 or 29 right now and im 18 at the moment so it if i do the math then he was probablly around 18 or 19 when that happened. And he wasnt just touching my private parts gently, he was squeezing them to the point where it was actually hurting me but i didnt do anything and just pretended like it didnt hurt because i was too scared to say anything. And about the crazy/weird thoughts i've been having; i didnt want to say everything because i dont know if i would get in trouble here or not. But lets speak "hypothetically", WHAT IF i was having thoughts about "K!LL!NG" ppl for the fun of it or out of boredom and about how i would just "SL!CE" their "N3CKS" and then they "BL33D" on the floor while i just stand there and watch them "D!E" while they are struggeling to "L!V3". Like WHAT IF i keep having those thought every now and then when i watch ppl walk around wondering how would i "K!LL" them and hide their "BOD!ES" so nobody would find them, would all that be considered "crazy" or just something normal that teenagers go through in some point of their teenage lives? I'm not trying to say this in a rude tone or anything, but all those thought that i "might of" had "maybe" keep running through my head lately. But i might think about it but i wouldnt dream of doing any of that. And i also get really emotional sometimes. For example, i watched kids with cancer and it made me tear up and it still does just thinking about it, like poor kids they dont diserve that evil disease. I watched the movie Home Of The Brave and it made me like chuckle out of crying when the truck exploded and the woman(the driver) lost her fingers and she cried for help trying to save herself and the passenger even though he was already dead and the way she was crying when the soldier put some sort of salt powder on her blown up hand while it was burning her. Like all that made me cry and thoughts i have in my head make me cry. Like i get emotional very easliy. I'm starting to wonder if thats a normal thing or not. But i really appreciate all the advice you gave and im grateful for it. You also take care<3

 

Thank all of you guys. This site really helped me on the advice you guys gave me and i also feel a lot better about sharing what happened to me to all of you. Thank you again.

[RecordProducer]

RecordProducer: yea it makes me feel a little better thank you(: And it still isnt late for you to see a therapist you know. It would really help with the healing phase. Since im going to go see a counselor now, i think you should also go see a therapist. You better or else<3 (: jk But thank you too.

Thanks, I will, but not right now. Besides, it's a bit too late now after I went through all the bad phases and self-medicating. What is the therapist going to tell a woman in her mid-30s? You are so young, though, and would benefit from counseling/therapy.

[CopingGal]

IAmOne, I envy you. The abuse you endured compared to all the sexual abuse I endured is like a crumb of bread compared to a mountain. Hope this makes you feel a little bit better. I too have had a drinking problem for 20 years (in the phase of healing now) and am somewhat messed up. I never saw a therapist about it, but I think I should have.

 

It's not to late to see a therapist. But remember, it could take years to find a good one. Some are supportive. Some employ "tough love." Some are really caring. Some are jerks. I takes time to find a good one, but a good one can really help.

[Feliciti]

Stuff

 

...

 

That was a highly unnerving post to read from my point of view. I've been physically abused since... as long as I can remember. I've never had any friends, only "class mates" or similar, not anyone I'd ever consider meeting outside school. I have few people I can be close to, and it.. generally just doesn't happen. Even for people that try, I somehow manage to reject them, never really regretting it either. It took about 8 months before I suddenly found myself attached to the guy I then went on to date. I have been so closed up that most people are surprised when I utter more than 2 sentences a day.

 

I do like children though, having dedicated most of the last year of my life to taking care of a child who was similarly abused by her mother. I have no issues talking to children. I'm still 19 though, but didn't really get out of my abusive family until.. 3-4'ish months ago. Mainly because I was threaten with police and everything by my now-boyfriend (Who happens to be a lawyer), because he found out I had marks everywhere, and a sprained rib with a truly horrible mark as well. I haven't even confronted my parents yet, but somehow feels like it doesn't really matter.

 

It's probably a personal thing, but... I just dont' see what good it would do. Would it really help you if Ricky knew about it? If you made him realize what he had done? I'm not sure you'd feel all that different. I can't tell you, obviously, and it may just be too much exposure to the "revenge is not the answer" morale, but I don't think it would really help.

 

At least it seems like I'm coming in nicely compared to you guys... Never considered drugs nor alcohol (The thought haven't even crossed my mind), although I don't know about the sexual stuff, as that is, thankfully, a non-issue for me.

[boshemia]

You were very brave to share your story. It must have been very difficult for you to deal with for all of these years. It is often hard for males to process experiences such as yours because they have a lot of pressure on them to be manly. Being molested doesn't leave you feeling very manly.

 

You aren't alone, one in seven boys experience sexual assault before the age of 18. The damage could have been a lot worse, but if it is still bothering you then the damage was done just the same.

 

Your experiences weren't normal, and you can't deal with them in normal ways. You sound like you are very much ready to deal with it. Good luck with therapy... you will be surprised at how unbroken you really are. You are far more normal than you think and your therapist will help you see that.

[fencesitter]

IAMONE-

 

My heart goes out to you. I could relate to much of what you said. I was molested and abused as a child as well. I know that we have a tendency to try and minimize what happened to us, or blame ourselves. Please know that I do believe you, it was not your fault.

 

I am sorry your parents didn't confront Ricky or his father. My abuser avoided prosecution, too, and I felt very helpless and afraid of the world at large as a result.

 

I understand about the friend thing. I think internet friends are just fine! Don't beat yourself up about that. You are, at least, connecting with other people in your own way. That is perfectly okay. We victims of abuse tend to be mistrustful, for abuse shows us just how much other people can hurt us, if they so decide. So reach out in whatever way is comfortable for you right now. In time, as you heal, you will feel less like a freak and more lifted by interacting with people. Sometimes I go walk around town or sit in a coffeeshop, just to be around others. That energy does help.

 

And, you call yourself weird...well, who isn't! "Normal" people, if such a thing exists, are BORING! Yes, we feel tainted or something by abuse, but I am here to tell you that you are a beautiful person, worthy of love, happiness, and a life full of friends and good, positive experiences.

 

Are you religious? I find Mother Mary to be a great healer of our childhood wounds. Meditate on her image, pray to her, or even write her a letter. Just give up all your grief to her and I promise you she will comfort you.

 

I understand about not wanting counseling. I resisted it for a long time as well. I can't tell you how helpful it was for me. I truly learned to trust another human being again. If you are adamant against it (and you can probably get free counseling through school, or low cost counseling through local services...let me know if you need help finding something in your area), then do consider talking to a priest. But try to avoid the child-molesting type of priest. That probably would not be helpful.

 

You might also consider attending a 12-step group like Narcotics Anonymous. This is a spiritually based, free, program. I have been "working the steps" for several years now and it has made a profound impact on my life. It is a safe place, and you will be in a room with people who are so wise and completely understand. You don't even have to say a word...just show up, drink some coffee, and zone out. Try it- you have nothing to lose but an hour of your evening that would probably be spent doing something pointless anyway.

 

If you take anything from my post, please know that your rage and feelings are perfectly normal for what you have been through. Totally normal. Abuse is not something you just outgrow or shake off as you get older. I am here to tell you that if you do not get some sort of help for this now, drugs will always be an issue in your life and your relationships will be unsuccessful. I speak from experience, brother. Good luck, and death to Ricky.