trying2bhappy Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 i have been married for 9 years and have 3 children. to shorten the story my husband and i were essentially living an emotional divorce. i left because i saw no relief in sight and now we are back together. while separated i was soul searching going to church and focusing on OUR children, he apparently was not doing the same. he works at a job with alot of younger 20 something women that flirt quite openly and the boss/owner (male) condones it. the owner quite frequently takes the management out for drinks and dinner, no spouses, and i have a problem with it because i know how these girls are. they make sexual comments, pinch him etc... i have gotten past the flirting and have told him i don't want those women grabbing at him flirting and have not seen it, at least while i'm around. he saw nothing wrong with it. i mean it's like these people he's known for 4-6 months mean more to him than his wife of almost 10 years and 3 children. if they praise him or anyone but me praise him he accepts it. what's wrong with me? he was going out with a few of these women and their boyfriends etc.. as a group while i was gone. he was never a go out and party person so, that changed! anyways... he is an emotionally unavailable person in general and it wasn't until the last 2 years that i realized this. since we moved to his home state/town where i assume this all started. i love him dearly but, i cannot live like this. i need deliberate can't wait too.. nuzzles and kisses. i need affection. i need to feel important to him! he has a network of alot of people (friends, family, barely acquaintances, work friends) and they know they can call on him at anytime and do this and he'll help them with whatever. it's like he has to have alot of friends, etc.. to feel validated or appreciated. me and the children don't do it for him. why? i don't understand it. it's like a real NEED in him. yet he's not emotionally attached to them either, or doesn't seem to be. like he doesn't open up to them either emotionally. for example if we go to party's or out when we get there i am immediately ditched and he finds anyone to talk to but, it's about work or something trivial. what really annoys me is when he talks about this engaged woman at work and how she's done so good in the company.etc...blah i feel like i've been hit by a brick in the gut. he rarely praises me to others, he rarely praises me at all and it seems like he feels pressured to do so when he does. he says he loves me but, what does that mean to him? i have gained weight and so has he over the years. he's larger than me. i've lost 15+# and am going for more so, i don't think it's that. i guess what i'm asking is how do i get him to open up? how do i deal with these women he's around? how do i get him to show emotion. he gets defensive and shuts himself off. example.. i was just trying to get him to talk one day after work and was asking what's your favorite fruit? 2nd favorite meal etc... his reply was a harsh toned "i don't know, i can't pick a favorite, i like all types of food!" he's so blunt with me yet is worried about hurting these many woman's feelings he works with. he seems to take everything i say as a direct hit. for awhile now i've felt he treats and regards everyone else with more respect and kindness. why? i mean there are times when he really acts loving but, in general i seldom hear praise, he never brags about me and whatever someone else needs him to do OK, even if he's late for our child's recital. it's like everything and everyone is more important than us. why? any help appreciated. and thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
pitprincess Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 I see it as he is STUCK on his self! He could care less who says what about you as long as someone's talking about him. He should be a father and husband to you and the babies! Sounds like he takes you to a party to say... I'll be back in just a sec.. im guessing that you end up finding him. He finds him self attractive from others flirting to him and he is making sure that everyone knows "he's the man" JMP Men like that make me so aggervated. I just being my self... I would have to set down to dinner and day Tonight" I want to talk about me!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 Well to state the obvious, he is definitely taking you completely for granted. You said you had left him? how long were you gone? other than obviously enjoying hanging out with friends and being "single" again, how did he act? how did he treat you - did he ask you to come back? did he do the usual cry-beg-whine-promise-to-be-better act? Unfortunately I don't have much in the way of advice. If I knew how to keep someone appreciating me I would be a lot happier in MY relationship He's selfish and it sounds like he enjoys being the attractive guy who flirts, the good guy who helps his friends, the sociable guy at parties. He sounds like the kind of guy people will say "oh he's so nice - you're so lucky to have him!" and you would just want to punch them. I think you hit the nail on the head yourself when you said he needs them to validate himself. I had a boyfriend who I swear looked down on me for loving HIM. As if, inside he felt so bad about himself that he thought anyone who loved him was an ass and he didn't value their opinion. Maybe your husband thinks you're just the fool who married him - YOUR good or bad opinion of him isn't valid. It sounds a little farfetched and he probably wouldn't even know himself that that's what his problem with you is - it takes a very introspective person to be that self-aware, but I have first-hand proof that it's not impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trying2bhappy Posted June 6, 2004 Author Share Posted June 6, 2004 well, he did say i need to come back and we can work things out. i was gone for 8 months and he visited us 3 times. he did not beg though. doesn't open his emotions enough to do that. what is aggravating me is he is giving relationship advice to this 22 yr old knockout he works with. i know what can happen, he can get attached and it seems he is. like he's showing emotions to her and not me pisses me off!!! how do i get him to carry an emotional conversation with me, his wife??? he also acts very loving with me at times but, in general is a tough nut to crack. he does cut himself down, says, he's stupid... etc.. he's not. i don't know what to think. he is a loyal person at heart i know this because he is so with longtime friends, his mom etc. but, these women at his work he's known 6 mos. max and is acting like it's them or me. that's the feeling i get. how can he be so connected to them? he did party with them alot while i was gone and enjoyed the single life. yet tells me in fights we had via the phone you have the kids (yelling) yeah and you can go party i'm thinking. neither of us were real big partiers. he has gotten better tries to be home more etc.... but, why must this 22 yr old call him and he call her. she went out with his brother once and now she has to call my husband about "why don't guys call me back" my husband says " you shouldn't have to keep calling guys, just don't do it etc" this is what he told me. why is she calling my husband and talking like this? should i confront her and tell her not to call? he'd probably really get pissed. then again her cell # and dc # are in his phone so i really can't tell who called who. it ticks me off because i know how short he is with me on the phone and this had to be a lengthy conversation. not like he's had a ton of relationship experience anyways. i just don't know how to handle this with these coworkers because the owner/boss takes them out no spouses invited for drinks and expensive dinners and my husband like's it so he will not say no and not that he needs to but, if he'd detach from these woman i'd feel a little better about it. but, he acts like their casual friendship is worth more than us. how do i get him to open up and reconnect with his wife and kids? they drink, grab him, act sexual. it's yuck! i told him it was to. any help thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author trying2bhappy Posted June 6, 2004 Author Share Posted June 6, 2004 also i had a lightbulb moment yesterday. i touched his face and told him your cute and he said i know it. he always says this. not"thank you, so are you" i'm not telling him that again. i've decided if he can't open up and tell me personal feelings he has about me or i'm pretty or i still attract him i'm not doing it and i'm not feeding the ego let someone else. i can't anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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