Can we be friends?

[catalystmosaic]

I have been reading through these forums and you all seem to give such great advice, so I thought I'd ask you for advice on my situation.

 

The background is: I met this man in 2005 and we connected, we were seeing each other for a little while (we were both single).

 

He moved overseas for a year or so and we kept in touch periodically.

 

He returned and we got in touch again, but he told me that he had a girlfriend. We ended up seeing each other once and having sex in around June 2008. I decided I didn't want to do that again and he continued to send me emails and called me wanting to catch up for the next 6 months. I resisted, he came by my house once in November unannounced after I had a car accident, to see how I was and ended up kissing me.

 

I asked him to leave me alone after this.

 

He got in touch and we started emailing a few weeks ago. He now tells me he is married with 2 children. He ended up coming over to talk and we had sex.

 

Through talking to him I realised that the time line was not adding up and worked out that in 2008 when he was chasing me he was in fact getting married and having his first child and he never told me this.

 

I called him out on this, he came over and we had a very emotional conversation and he said he was sorry he was dishonest with me and he doesn't want to be that guy, he shouldn't cheat on his wife etc. I told him I would rather that he was a man of integrity than that he was sleeping with me.

 

He decided that he wants to be a real friend to me.

 

I have already had some emails back and forth with him about some concerns and I was feeling pretty annoyed about being lied to and having him come in and out of my life as he chooses. These emails have been very deeply emotional.

 

He is giving me some time to work out whether I am ok with it all. He cares about me etc etc.

 

I am not really sure if keeping in touch and occassionally having lunch is such a good idea.

 

I am concerned that really this is going to end up being an emotional affair which may then in the future lead to a physical affair.

 

I have feelings for him and he obviously has something for me, so I'm not sure it would be altruistic for us to have a friendship.

 

I am concerned seeing as it appears that the main issues in his marriage are sexual and emotional, that I will just be filling that need for emotional intimacy when he needs to be working that out in his own marriage or leaving it.

 

I do care about him and enjoy his company, but I don't know. I think I need some third party insight.

[whichwayisup]

Trying to be friends with someone that you love and care about, had an affair with but can't have, will only do more harm to you. It'll prevent you from fully letting go, healing and able to find love and open your heart to someone else.

 

The flip side? Imagine you being married, or this guys wife. How would you feel if you found out your husband was reaching out to some other woman behind your back? Im guessing you'd be upset, feel betrayed and wonder why he felt the need to become close to someone else other than you..And then you find out not only is he trying to keep a friendship going but he had an affair with that particular person.

 

This isn't good for you, I think deep down you know this.

 

Bottomline is, it's impossible to be 'friends' with an ex affair partner when you still have tons of feelings for them. It'll mess you up.

[freestyle]

Well, ask yourself---what are your standards for friendship?

Are honesty, and mutual respect part of the criteria?

Because this guy has already failed dismally on those aspects of 'friendship'.

 

I suspect he's looking to keep you on the shelf-"just in case'.....

 

Is that were you want to be?

[MissBee]

You already know...or else you'd probably not be here.

 

None of what you said makes him seem like an A-class friend, and it seems you don't have much self control either, I'm not being mean but almost each line ends with "We end up having sex"...right after you said something not so good about him. I think you're playing a passive role here and going along with whatever. You have NOT put up a fight....be honest. You're saying no but meaning yes....he knows this! He knows when you tell him no, you don't mean it so he can pop up and then he'll get sex too. You think he needs more "friends"? No...he is most likely saying it as he knows you WILL have a weak moment and give into an A. You already have....there is absolutely no reason he should think otherwise.

 

It's up to you to make your own choice. You already know that it will turn into an EA and it will most likely be painful. You already know you don't know how to say no to him. Don't you have enough friends? He's a married liar...you calculated it....what else is there?

 

Don't fall into the he's nice, he's funny, I like his company trap. Please. So many women say that about not so good men. A lot of times we feel like we cannot live without this person as a friend....but it is an illusion! You can and are better off doing so. My exAP and ex single guy I felt we HAD to be friends and I tried to play into that role, to my detriment. Now, we're not friends and it is quite alright and I don't miss them. I have PLENTY REAL friends, who are there for me, who care for me with no strings attached.... not my ex boyfriend or ex AP who I (at the time) still wanted who had ulterior motives and who by the nature of things could not perform a true friendship role to me or me to them. No one ever died or loss quality of life from cutting off a liar and cheater as their "friend". Leave him alone, don't live to regret it.

Edited February 11, 2012 by MissBee

[venus358]

There are many different types of affairs and some are emotional ones, they don't always have to be physical.

 

You obviously have some kind of connection with this person, that is why you both stay in contact.

 

Are you really hoping maybe that one day it doesn't work out with him and his wife?

 

I think he is trying to keep you to have an emotional affair and knows that if that goes on long enough it will likely get physical again. He obviously has some kind of marital problems (or cheating problem). Do you really want to get involved in that? Matters of the heart are always the most painful things to deal with and if you can get out now with only mild uncomfort...do it.

[Gentlegirl]

Hi there.

 

This man will keep coming back to you because you say NO and then you allow him back into your bed. He is a cheat and while you make sex available and easy for him he will keep coming back and saying what you want to hear.

 

NO .. he doesn't care about you. If he did he would leave you alone to pursue a life, where you can meet an avaiable guy.

 

You cannot be friends with a married man. Is he going to tell his wife about you and are you going to be invited for afternoon tea? Don't think so. There will always be an element of secrecy which is just plain wrong.. no other word for it.

 

An emotional affair can be just as devestating as the physical affair to all parties.

 

While you keep sending out the mixed message, he will keep coming back to you and using you for his little bit of amusement on the side. You will just be something to take the edge off his boredom at home.

 

I am not condemning you in any way, because I have been there, done it all. We are all here to help you and if possible prevent you from going into a full affair which will truly hurt you more than you can imagine.

 

All my best wishes,

 

Gentlegirl

[catalystmosaic]

Trying to be friends with someone that you love and care about, had an affair with but can't have, will only do more harm to you. It'll prevent you from fully letting go, healing and able to find love and open your heart to someone else.

 

The flip side? Imagine you being married, or this guys wife. How would you feel if you found out your husband was reaching out to some other woman behind your back? Im guessing you'd be upset, feel betrayed and wonder why he felt the need to become close to someone else other than you..And then you find out not only is he trying to keep a friendship going but he had an affair with that particular person.

 

This isn't good for you, I think deep down you know this.

 

Bottomline is, it's impossible to be 'friends' with an ex affair partner when you still have tons of feelings for them. It'll mess you up.

 

Thank you whichwayisup... your words hit home, I think that is the essence of the problem, it is very hard or impossible to be friends with someone that you have feelings for when you cannot have them (even if the person is single) It is very painful at the moment and I have not even decided to go down that path. It will only cause me greater harm in the long run.

 

I know that I cannot be friends with him without losing something of myself in the process.

[catalystmosaic]

You already know...or else you'd probably not be here.

 

None of what you said makes him seem like an A-class friend, and it seems you don't have much self control either, I'm not being mean but almost each line ends with "We end up having sex"...right after you said something not so good about him. I think you're playing a passive role here and going along with whatever. You have NOT put up a fight....be honest. You're saying no but meaning yes....he knows this! He knows when you tell him no, you don't mean it so he can pop up and then he'll get sex too. You think he needs more "friends"? No...he is most likely saying it as he knows you WILL have a weak moment and give into an A. You already have....there is absolutely no reason he should think otherwise.

 

It's up to you to make your own choice. You already know that it will turn into an EA and it will most likely be painful. You already know you don't know how to say no to him. Don't you have enough friends? He's a married liar...you calculated it....what else is there?

 

Don't fall into the he's nice, he's funny, I like his company trap. Please. So many women say that about not so good men. A lot of times we feel like we cannot live without this person as a friend....but it is an illusion! You can and are better off doing so. My exAP and ex single guy I felt we HAD to be friends and I tried to play into that role, to my detriment. Now, we're not friends and it is quite alright and I don't miss them. I have PLENTY REAL friends, who are there for me, who care for me with no strings attached.... not my ex boyfriend or ex AP who I (at the time) still wanted who had ulterior motives and who by the nature of things could not perform a true friendship role to me or me to them. No one ever died or loss quality of life from cutting off a liar and cheater as their "friend". Leave him alone, don't live to regret it.

 

Thank you MissBee. I guess I have always considered myself to be someone who takes responsibility for their part. I had not really, however, considered what you said about me not having self control in this regard. I think I felt I was such a good little girl fo saying no for the laast 3 years, but really no doesn't work if it can always be turned into a yes eventually.

 

Yes, I have enough friends, maybe he does too. I would really probably have to go out of my way to be his friend and I don't think we would be friends but for us obsessing on each other, with ulterior motives that are not about the pure unconditional affection of friendship, yes.

[catalystmosaic]

Well, ask yourself---what are your standards for friendship?

Are honesty, and mutual respect part of the criteria?

Because this guy has already failed dismally on those aspects of 'friendship'.

 

I suspect he's looking to keep you on the shelf-"just in case'.....

 

Is that were you want to be?

 

Thank you freestyle, yes you are right. I guess my reasoning behind overlooking the past, was that he was genuinely remorseful and I am a generally forgiving person.

 

You are right though, I can see no other reason for him to want to keep up this saga of not letting go but not holding on going on.

[catalystmosaic]

There are many different types of affairs and some are emotional ones, they don't always have to be physical.

 

You obviously have some kind of connection with this person, that is why you both stay in contact.

 

Are you really hoping maybe that one day it doesn't work out with him and his wife?

 

I think he is trying to keep you to have an emotional affair and knows that if that goes on long enough it will likely get physical again. He obviously has some kind of marital problems (or cheating problem). Do you really want to get involved in that? Matters of the heart are always the most painful things to deal with and if you can get out now with only mild uncomfort...do it.

 

Thank you Venus. Yes, we have some kind of connection with each other. I think I feel hurt when he comes back because this is not a situation where I met him many years into his marriage, but where I knew him before and he chose her not me. Yet he keeps coming back into my life.

 

I think that deep down inside I wish that he had chosen me, not so much that he would leave her, but that has crossed my mind yes to be honest. But really if their marriage does not work out I want that to be because it didn't work out for them. I don't want it to be about me. So I have no intentions of being the person waiting around for him to leave his wife. And maybe if I continue a "friendship" with him that is what I will become and I don't want that.

[catalystmosaic]

Hi there.

 

This man will keep coming back to you because you say NO and then you allow him back into your bed. He is a cheat and while you make sex available and easy for him he will keep coming back and saying what you want to hear.

 

NO .. he doesn't care about you. If he did he would leave you alone to pursue a life, where you can meet an avaiable guy.

 

You cannot be friends with a married man. Is he going to tell his wife about you and are you going to be invited for afternoon tea? Don't think so. There will always be an element of secrecy which is just plain wrong.. no other word for it.

 

An emotional affair can be just as devestating as the physical affair to all parties.

 

While you keep sending out the mixed message, he will keep coming back to you and using you for his little bit of amusement on the side. You will just be something to take the edge off his boredom at home.

 

I am not condemning you in any way, because I have been there, done it all. We are all here to help you and if possible prevent you from going into a full affair which will truly hurt you more than you can imagine.

 

All my best wishes,

 

Gentlegirl

 

Thanks Gentlegirl. Again, as I said above, you are right, I say no, but it can be manipulated into a yes, which is really not the same as no.

 

I have already had a conversation with him about the fact that it feels like a friendship with him is no different than having secret sex with him without the sex. It doesn't feel like it would be any different.

 

It would seem from the consensus of the wise posters around here, that the only way forward is to say no and let's not contact each other again, because I do not have the greatest capacity to resist in any event.

[catalystmosaic]

why would you want to be 'friends" with this liar?

 

seriously, what is in it for you? some guy who comes over to kiss you or have sex?

 

what do you want from him that you can't get with someone else?

 

do you need a friend who has hurt you, lied to you and used you?

 

Harsh but fair.

 

You are right, in my experience friendship is easy, it is freely given, it is concern and support for each other.

 

It is a difficult connection to give up, but take away the feelings and emtions and the facts seem to speak for themselves.

[Emme]

I made the lets be friends attempt. Lets be friend is code for having an emotional affair. I made that attempt after the physical aspect ended. All we did was talk with sexual undertones. Really nothing changed maybe the frequency. To truly be friends with someone you don't have to think if it can be accomplished. It shouldn't even be a thought. That's how you know its not possible. The emotions and feelings will alway be there.

[catalystmosaic]

Thanks Emme and all. I sent him an email explaining that I didn't think we could be friends and the reasons why and saying let's walk away and leave it at that.

 

I'm kind of hoping he doesn't respond at all.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Emme and all. I sent him an email explaining that I didn't think we could be friends and the reasons why and saying let's walk away and leave it at that.

 

I'm kind of hoping he doesn't respond at all.

 

Of course he's going to respond. He'll either sulk for a while and ignore you, then all of a sudden out of the blue call or text you, asking to see you (either to talk, or there's some sort of emergency and he needs you) and he misses you. NOTE that he won't be thinking of YOUR best interest, only his.

 

Ask him (when he replies) to please respect your decision and to not contact you again, that it's just an impossible thing to keep a friendship going, it's selfish and serves no purpose..Ask him to think of his wife too - How she would feel knowing he was close with another woman behind his back.

 

Stay strong and keep posting!

[catalystmosaic]

Well, he did email me back and we had a chat about things and we both decided it was best to have no further contact unless circumstances change in the future.

 

It was a bit sad, but I am glad it is all over now.

[MissBee]

Well, he did email me back and we had a chat about things and we both decided it was best to have no further contact unless circumstances change in the future.

 

It was a bit sad, but I am glad it is all over now.

 

I'm happy for you! It will be sad...but it also will be okay, and much better than the alternative.

 

Also, be mindful of him thinking you're just playing...since if you have always said no or pretended to be firm in the past and gave in later, people will automatically believe you're still just blowing smoke. So stick to your guns and don't allow him to try to come back later and "test you".

[catalystmosaic]

I think the odd thing for me has been that it is so dramatic... for no apparent reason really. Anyone from the outside would think that we were ending the greatest love affair in the world, rather than me just not maintaining an ongoing friendship with a married man.

 

It is very easy to be swept up in the needless drama and I think he must get something out of it, believing that he is very noble and pure for "letting me go" and making great personal sacrifice in the process.

 

I guess it is maybe easier if you are married to overdramatise the situation knowing that you will never have to follow through on your professed feelings of a forever connection and devotion.

[nofool4u]

I do care about him and enjoy his company, but I don't know. I think I need some third party insight.

 

Answer this question and the answer will be the same to the question of "can I be his friend?"

 

If his wife knew you two had sex, do you think she would like you two being friends?

 

There is your answer.