Facebook is trouble...

[jnel921]

It's been some time since I've posted but felt compelled to write about my current situation. My husband and I have been married almost 7 years now but have been together close to 10. Things haven't been perfect but we've found ways to resolve most of the issues.

 

We both have facebook accounts as that seems to be the craze and for me its the best tool to keep in touch with family and my closest friends.

 

Last year my husband lost his cellphone when we were away one weekend and had to resort to using his laptop to get into facebook account and everything else he used to do on his mobile phone. He was out mowing the lawn and I decided to look at his Facebook page while he had his laptop open in the livingroom. I noticed that he had some private messages going back and forth with a friend of my cousin's who we both personally do not know but he added a friend at some point.

 

The conversation in my eyes was inappropriate. He wanted to know where she was and vice versa and why the other wasn't available to chat. The weekend we were away it turns she was in my state visiting her sister who was sick in the hospital' My husband wrote to her "how convenient you are around when I'm not". Her messages clearly said that she wanted to meet up and although I didn't see a response that said yes, what he wrote infers that he wanted to. He may have deleted his response as some of the messages didn't seem to flow the right way .

 

I notice my husband always deletes his chat messages. At any rate I was clearly upset over this and confronted him. At first, he upset because I was looking on his FB account but when I confronted him about the private conversations he said that he wasn't guilty of anything but talking about sports with this woman and another cousin of mine.

 

I told him I saw the open posts between my cousin, himself and this woman talking sports smack but what the frick was the deal with the private messages between her and himself. Why was he so hot to chat with her? Long story short it was not a pretty fight.

 

I wound up sending this woman a private message of my own. She sent me her umber and asked me to call her. I spoke to her and she was embarrassed and swore to me she was not after my husband. She was more concerned that I not speak of this to my family who happen to go the same church as her. From prior experience dealing with the other woman, they will say anything so that they wont get their butts whooped. Turns out she is married herself with kids.

 

My husband soon removed her from his friend list and deactivated his account for some time. He has it up again and I find myself stalking it.

 

He did apologize and said his intent was not to hurt me. But this is my second marriage and the first ended in divorce due to infidelity and this is how it starts. I told him that had he not lost his phone and I had the opportunity to see what he was doing I'd never know what he was up to and who knows if he had plans with this witch to meet up.

 

It has been a year since this happened and I can't help but feel differently about my husband and my marriage. I really don't trust him and its clear that the desire is not there on his part. He spends a lot of time chatting with a female cousin who lives in PR. I have a problem with this because I told him if he needs to talk to someone shouldn't it be me? I once printed out his text message log. He had 11 pages worth to the cousin and a half page of text sent to me.

 

I showed him this and he apologized and cut down on the text messages. Now he has been traveling to PR more frequently than I care for him to go. He insists he is there to visit his mother, but I really dont believe or trust him. He wont tell me if he has visited his chat buddy cousin unless I ask him.

 

I feel our marriage is in trouble and all of his actions are to pacify me until he does something else. I've not felt the same since he hurt me. I feel like he destroyed what I thought was real love.

 

What do you think? Should I just try to get over this or should I be concerned about his actions? Is it time to run?

[LadyGrey]

I don't think you are going to have any peace of mind till you know one way or the other if your husband is a cheater or not. He has shown you things that give you every right to be suspicious. If you are really ready for the answers, install a key logger on his computer. Invasive yes but you aren't just being paranoid, you do have just cause. imo

[jnel921]

Thanks LadyGrey, that is good idea. I wish there was a way to see the content of all of his text messages. Right now I can only get the numbers. I really hate feeling this way. He knows how I feel. He may not care. Cheaters usually dont.

[LadyGrey]

Thanks LadyGrey, that is good idea. I wish there was a way to see the content of all of his text messages. Right now I can only get the numbers. I really hate feeling this way. He knows how I feel. He may not care. Cheaters usually dont.

 

I think they make aps to put on phones too so that you would be able to read them.

 

Yes cheaters are very good liars, they practice a lot.

[emilywtf]

Sounds like your "bump of trouble" is acting up. I hate to say it, but if you are feeling uncomfortable, there is probably a good reason. That is how I found out about my husband and his affair with a women 20+ years his senior.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it really stinks to have your heart broken because the other person isn't willing to fess up and act right.

[setsenia]

Wow, that is quite a problem. I don't blame you for feeling that way. I've never had this issue with my husband, but rather his family who stalks every move we make and then b**ches later. Namely his mother and stepfather who "disowned" us over facebook comments. It's horrible that a social networking site can create so many issues.

[whichwayisup]

I think you should remind him how your previous marriage ended and that you have trust issues and he's not helping you feel loved, needed and secure while he's chatting to other women on the side. Tell him that it's something you won't put up with and if he IS having an affair, the marriage is over. He's really stupid if he is cheating on you. It's one thing to side chat with someone, non intentional almost naive like, it's another to actively go looking for it when he full well knows your past (hurts and pain) and still continues this behaviour.

 

He needs to focus on you, the marriage and treat you better! He needs to have buddy's that are MALE, not female, and have those women around for his ego feed.

[jnel921]

I just got a call from the husband. He cant receive calls where he is so the last time we spoke was yesterday afternoon. He was checking in every morning but today I didn't hear from him at all. I asked him why he didn't call and he said he was hanging out with family and was hung over this morning and now was when he made the time to leave his mothers to call me. I was furious and called him a liar. He is not a drinker so to do that is stupid. He knew it would upset me not to call and he did. I told him to walk home from the airport cause I wasn't going to get him.

[TaintedHeart]

I just got a call from the husband. He cant receive calls where he is so the last time we spoke was yesterday afternoon. He was checking in every morning but today I didn't hear from him at all. I asked him why he didn't call and he said he was hanging out with family and was hung over this morning and now was when he made the time to leave his mothers to call me. I was furious and called him a liar. He is not a drinker so to do that is stupid. He knew it would upset me not to call and he did. I told him to walk home from the airport cause I wasn't going to get him.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this! You just need to sit down together and have a calm coversation. No ranting, just talking.

[jnel921]

Thanks TaintedHeart. I think at this point we may need counseling. He doesn't know how to have a calm conversation. He is like a walking firecracker. It's ridiculous. He will calm down then talk to me all normal until I say something else that will make him pop. Then I have to keep shutting down so he can cool off. It's very frustrating.

 

There are other issues we've been dealing with over the years that sometimes I feel that I have just accepted this because it just isn't going to be different. I have stayed because there are other factors in our marriage that are good. But at this point my thinking is good for who? We can plan and set goals and sometimes that is for filling when you have a partner who is helpful and supportive.But you can do that with a friend.I need the full package.

 

I will not however tolerate flirty chat, cheating or whatever constitutes his focus on another woman and he knows this. I packed my first husband stuff and moved him out while I was 4 months pregnant and our son was a year old and I had $140 to my name. He knows I will do whatever it takes to make me happy and will not look back. I know better. I have a great job, a FU fund, so I will be fine.

[TaintedHeart]

Thanks TaintedHeart. I think at this point we may need counseling. He doesn't know how to have a calm conversation. He is like a walking firecracker. It's ridiculous. He will calm down then talk to me all normal until I say something else that will make him pop. Then I have to keep shutting down so he can cool off. It's very frustrating.

 

There are other issues we've been dealing with over the years that sometimes I feel that I have just accepted this because it just isn't going to be different. I have stayed because there are other factors in our marriage that are good. But at this point my thinking is good for who? We can plan and set goals and sometimes that is for filling when you have a partner who is helpful and supportive.But you can do that with a friend.I need the full package.

 

I will not however tolerate flirty chat, cheating or whatever constitutes his focus on another woman and he knows this. I packed my first husband stuff and moved him out while I was 4 months pregnant and our son was a year old and I had $140 to my name. He knows I will do whatever it takes to make me happy and will not look back. I know better. I have a great job, a FU fund, so I will be fine.

 

You seem to be pretty level headed and you know deep down what needs to be done. You're obviously a very strong woman. He knows that this has hurt you in the past, and you worked through it so why is he doing it again? Do you think maybe he is looking for an out?

I don't really know what to say because I've never been married but it all seems very fishy to me.

[robf1971]

jnel921, if you're able to get onto your husband's FB account again, up in the Account/General Account Settings screen, at the bottom is a link, "Download a copy of your Facebook Data."

 

From what I hear, it brings back deleted messages and notifications, etc. etc. etc. Not sure about chats, but possibly them as well.

 

You may need to consider doing this as it will fill in the missing messages so they flow more correctly when you read them.

 

Keylog his computer, are you able to access his mobile account? GPS track his car. I know it sounds extreme but he is giving you good reason. Once you have the proof, he cannot accuse you of being crazy or paranoid. Then you can pack his sh*t and throw him out.

 

If you do find anything innaproriate print them off and attach them to his suitcase after you've put them in the driveway.

[jnel921]

Thanks for the advice guys. It does sound extreme. I feel as if I really need to do this then this may not be the best relationship to be in. He will be back from his trip tomorrow. So far we have not had any real conversations. He sent me a rude text this morning just to acknowledge that he was alive. It is getting ugly and I just dont want it to get uglier.

 

I am a strong person and I can either continue to analyze his behavior and try to piece it all together and justify what could've and what would've or I can leave the pieces on the floor and move the f*** on.

[TaintedHeart]

Thanks for the advice guys. It does sound extreme. I feel as if I really need to do this then this may not be the best relationship to be in. He will be back from his trip tomorrow. So far we have not had any real conversations. He sent me a rude text this morning just to acknowledge that he was alive. It is getting ugly and I just dont want it to get uglier.

 

I am a strong person and I can either continue to analyze his behavior and try to piece it all together and justify what could've and what would've or I can leave the pieces on the floor and move the f*** on.

 

How did it go?

[jnel921]

We got into another heated argument on Sunday. I hadn't heard from him again until later in the day. I sent him a message letting him know that if this was going to continue that I won't be around. I have had it and that I was even upset with myself that I allowed myself to get angry over this. I did get a call later and was telling me that my problem was that I was jealous.

 

I told him it had nothing to do with that, it had to do with what we are lacking and what I notice he seeks in others. I have every right to be concerned. He said some things to pacify me. Wasn't sincere at all. I just left it where it was.

 

He came home yesterday. I did pick him up at the airport and drove me into work. Was a quiet ride. I did tell him that I wasn't happy about his lack of feelings and told him that I didn't trust him. He got upset and said then I guess you don't love me. I told him love is unconditional. Trust is a condition. betrayal begins with trust.

 

While I was at work he disabled his FB account. I asked him why. he said he didn't want to deal with my BS. Then I asked him if he was sure about that. Was he afraid he may get comments or postings about what he was really doing and didn't want me to see. After this fight he did bring it back. But told him that those moves only concern me more. I got home late yesterday. he cooked dinner and wanted me to come home but I didn't. I am just too angry.

 

The evening was quiet too. He went to bed and I went later. He tried to hug me and stuff and got a cold shoulder from me. Then he complained and said that the problem was me. I should want to jump his bones and go nuts and he pretty much compared me to a corpse.

 

I guess he doesn't understand that I am not a toilet and that ML is an emotional event for every woman. If in the back of my mind I feel something is wrong, it's just not going to happen.

 

This morning he gets up and gives me a hug and kiss and says Happy you know... I said, no I don't. I guess he can't do that either. It bothers me.

 

Let's see what happens next.

[Baroness67]

Jnel, not your imagination. Something's going on with your husband. It may not be everything you suspect, but his mind seems to be elsewhere. I recognize it only too well.

 

No quick answers except to recommend you try as best you can to keep your eyes open and your mouth closed. When they are in this stage of sneaking around, or whatever it is, the more you seem to be nosy, the more they try to hide. Worse, I think it adds to the excitement of whatever they think they are pulling off behind the scenes.

 

I stopped getting angry at my husband for his shenanigans when I realized he was getting something out of it and using it as further justification for "it wasn't him, it was me" ... good luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

 

Facebook is trouble...

 

We both have facebook accounts as that seems to be the craze and for me its the best tool to keep in touch with family and my closest friends.

 

I feel our marriage is in trouble and all of his actions are to pacify me until he does something else. I've not felt the same since he hurt me. I feel like he destroyed what I thought was real love.

 

What do you think? Should I just try to get over this or should I be concerned about his actions? Is it time to run?

 

 

Unless you all live in a town where the population is 140, any friend of your cousin's almost certainly got connected to his life through you and/or your Facebook account. This despite your professing to know that "Facebook is trouble".

 

 

It is quite likely that elements of your psyche predispose you to cheating partners, and if you know that to be true based on childhood examples (usually, but not always by your own parents) and by your first marriage, then you might as well "expect" this husband to cheat.

 

Yet the best use of your time in the present is not setting traps in order to catch him, or leaping to file divorce papers... it is probably to learn enough about yourself in order to figure out HOW best to negate the strong impact of that would-be past on your future selection process.

 

In a perfect world, some sort of therapy would really help in understanding what, if any things about yourself predispose you to being cheated upon. IF there are clear, affirmative answers in that area, THEN ratchet-up the sleuthing with this guy while understanding that it won't do you too much good to rid yourself of him until you can seemingly 'cure' the underlying element which (potentially) draws you to cheaters.

[jnel921]

Sincerguyonline, Friends on FB are only those you accept. Yes, my family has friends and they may comment on something they say, but I have never felot compelled to talk to them further. Besides, they are their friend not mine nor my husband.

 

My current husband did cheat on his first wife. He told me this when we were dating. It didnt make me happy of course because some lepoards never lose their spots. But over the years he convinced me that it was all about me and I never felt he would do that to me. If it werent for that incident with the friend of my cousin I wouldnt question his relationships, especially with his own female cousins.

 

As the years pass I realize that people change and maybe he needs someone to feed his ego. I havent done that. He has made it clear to me that he needs more. I need to get over my anger about it all. It is hard to desire and to make him feel like he is greatest man in the world if I am not feeling it.

 

Since he has been back he has bought me flowers, been affectionate and has tried to be intimate but I have been nonresponsive. He is upset about this and insists that I am upset over nothing and that I am wrong checking his text messaging.

 

His hours at work changed so we will be able to spend more time together which we werent able to do before. I am off this weekend and we are supposed to spend some time together in the next couple of days.

 

We still have much to work on and it will take some time to try and trust. Facebook is trouble...

[standtall]

I've heard to facebook being referred to as "satan's notebook"...an apt description IMHO.