Break up after 9 years

[Whisky1981]

I would like to share my story. It has been 2 months now since my girlfriend broke up with me. We were together for 9 years and it really shocked me and brought me to the brink of desperation.

 

Since that day I have began working on myself and on my career and slowly realized that I can live without her although the break up situation still hurts me just not so much as it did.

 

So we were together since we were 21 years old. We lived trough a lot and she always gave the impression that she loved me very much. In the last month before the break she started to behave in a strange way. We were discussing about moving in together but couldnt find an agreement where to settle. We both had real estates and the possibility of building a house on them. My argument was that we both have jobs in the vicinity and if we lived at my place we would spare 1 hour every day because of the distance from the workplaces. She didnt want to listen to that and she wanted to remain at home. 1 month before she breaked up with me she started making excuses that she couldnt see me because of work at home and at her workplace. Naturally after a 9 year relationship I trusted her. 1 week before she broke up with me she said that she has to go on a job trip to another country for a week. Thats the time when i became doubtful. When she was away she hardly contacted me and she was cold on the phone. I searched the internet for the conference she said she was going to and I found nothing. After 6 days I went to see if she really was away for the job trip. And guess what I found her marching out of her workplace for the lunch hour...I picked up the phone and asked her where she was...she replaied that she was just packing to return home from the conference...so I just showed myself...in that moment I was shaking and just went mad, I just said how could has she done that to me after 9 years and then I turned my back and went away. She seemd really ashamed in that moment and said more or less nothing. She didnt call me so I calld her after a week and said that we should meet to clear what had happened. She agreed. So we met. She said that she needed time and that I failed her as a boyfriend so that she couldnt be with me anymore.

 

After a few days I discovered that she had another boyfriend and that she was cheating on me for 6 months. I almost passed out that day. I was the kind of guy that did everything for her. Even when she was diagnosed with epilepsy a year and a half before the break up I stood by her side for everything she needed. I discovered that she tried to use her illnes 6 months before the break up to get rid of me but her attempt failed. Basicaly she said to me that her doctor said to her that she may have brain cancer...yes it sounds impossible but that girl came up with that excuse...and that she needs some time alone. I said to her that I would go to the end of the world for her an that I will not leave her alone...after these words she melted and she said that I was good at conforting her and that she loves me so she gave up on the tought of some alone time. After a few days she told me that the doctors ruled the cancer out...I still cant believe that she left me in an agonizing pain all those days before she told me that the cancer was ruled out.

 

After 9 years our relationship became a little colder...things werent so great anymore but I still loved her. I took her for granted in the last few months and declined some walks in the park and a few days at the beach because I didnt felt like going at the time. She never argued with me about those things and at the time she said it was ok and that she will go with her friends. Yes those were among her reasons that I failed her as a boyfriend...others were that I declined some family dinners in the past...and some other BS.

 

So she left me like she had fallen from a plane. Instant death without a warning. No real explanation just lies to cover up the new relationship she was having. I didnt try to contact her from that last day we saw each other. Hell I started to hate her for what she had done to me. That dosent mean that I wasnt hurting and I still am but not so much anymore. I am only afraid that I will have issues on trusting other people.

 

My only hope is that one day she realizes what she has done, throwing away a 9 year relationship in which she recieved just kind words and caring. I hope I will hear her crying what a mistake she made on the other end of the line one day. I know I shouldnt hope for her to be unhappy. But after what she did to me I hope that one day life will get revenge on her.

 

Thank you for reading all this. Share your toughts on that. Sorry for my english I am not a native speaker and I hope youll understand all that I have wrote.

[ken_25]

Wow.. that really hurts, I'm very sorry this happened. This new road is going to be long and painful. But it gets better, it really does. Embrace your feelings and emotions. It's really just a day by day thing. You'll be feeling good and then slip and fall back down, and then you'll move forward again. It's tough, and after 9 years I don't even want to think about it. The best time to reconnect with old friends, your family and making new positive friends is now. It really helps.

[Bito]

My heart breaks for you. I want to just give you a big hug

 

I see many similarities with what happened with my ex and what happened with yours. Like you I loved her very much and stood by her through some very hard times. Like you i also got complacent late in the relationship and declined time with her in order to work on my own things.

 

Like your ex, my ex did not protest when I said i had to work on this thing or was not up to going out etc etc. Like your ex, my ex cheated on me the last few months of our relationship pretending everything was ok.

 

I look back over the last 9 months or so of pain and depression that I have endured. And you know what? I would not change a thing. Everything happens for a reason my friend.

 

You will get over what has happened. It will take some time but one day you will wake up and she wont be the first thing you think about.

 

Then one day when your thinking about her you will realize you don't feel any pain.

 

This is a blessing in disguise. Be thankful you don't have any kids and are not married to her!

 

Work on yourself as person. Don't jump into a new relationship. And find happiness within.

 

Stay Strong

[blindnowisee]

Hi Whisky,

 

I can feel your pain as I've just broken up with my long term gf (9 years.. nearly 10) however I'd like to share my thoughts on your situation:

 

1- The girl doesn't deserve you. If she treats you in the way she has done you need to cut her off completely, forget about her and start building a new (and better) life. Be determined to become a better person and for your ex to discover that she has truly lost a great person.

 

2- If you truly love someone, you need to wish her the best in her life. Draw your own conclusions by her actions and move on. You must decide for yourself to let go of the situation and start picking yourself up again. Life is too short to linger over situations like this.. see it as gained life experience and make sure that you won't make the same mistakes in the future.

 

3- Coming to mistakes. Whenever girls decide to cheat on their man, ask for space / time etc (all the things some people call GIGS here..) this means that you've not been acting like the great catch you once where. I've been there and I've used this point in my time to reflect on what I want to do, what I want to become and why I'm not currently pursuing my goals (emphasis on "I" !). This is a pivotal point in your life and you can either choose to reflect and set course for the future.. or wallow and linger in the past. Take a full day to cry about missing your ex, all the great things you've done etc etc and then force yourself to move on. It will be hard.. but it's the only way to growing as a person.

 

Whenever people are in long term relationships we tend to become complacent and take things for granted. You need to always be independent, have your own hobbies, your own pastime, your own friends, your own weekly schedule and fit your gf into that. This will ensure that you'll stay an interesting person and give your gf the impression that you're truly a great catch to have and not someone to f*** around with..

[Whisky1981]

Thank you for your kind words.

 

Yes I know that I should be thankful in the way that I wasnt married to her let alone that I dont have children with her. I should be thankful that I discovered her and that her real self came out early enough. If I had accepted in moving in at her place I would have invested a lot of money in the house. So at least now I can bring up my own house and live my life in it.

 

As I said its been 2 months and I am doing pretty well. I just hope that I wont meet her and her new boyfriend somewhere because that could crush me again. I totally broke all the contacts with her so I dont have to see her anywhere.

 

The only problem that I really am facing and being scared of now is how to find somebody to love again. I have pretty much broken all the contacts with old friends and all the youth flames are already married or in a long term relationship. I went to dance lessons where I met a beautiful girl that took my mind off the old relationship for a while but she dosent seem to be interested in me or there is no chemistry at all other then dancing.

 

So I am trying to move on. It still hurts when I think of it. On the other hand I try to look at positive things in all that. Better now then later and at least I will not have to cope with her negative sides all my life although I was willing to look over them when I was in the relationship with her. In the end I have realized that she didnt gave me much all those years other then companionship....practicaly she was living my life and when she became boring of it she just left for something new. And she did that in the worst possible way. So I say to myself, shame on her and hope I never see you again.

 

Thank you again for your support!

[blindnowisee]

Never be spiteful to your ex. Whatever happens. Always choose to be the better person, accept what has happened, draw your own conclusions and move on.

 

Don't worry about possibly meeting her and her new bf.. you should focus all your time and energy in yourself. What do you want to do with your life? How can you grow as a person?

 

Go get yourself a new hobby, get out there, make new friends. You saw what you did wrong right? You made the same mistake that I did.. you got consumed in your relationship.. you didn't set the boundaries. Everything you did, you did together.. which sounds great but it's not.

 

You need your own schedule, your own hobbies, your own passions and your own life. She needs to have the same. And somewhere in the middle you both make concessions.. that's what true love is.. 2 individuals coming together and forming a bond.. not 2 individuals coming together and becoming 1 individual. I hope you see what I mean as this is fundamental in determining whether you will be able to truly love someone in the future. You need to see where it went wrong.. I know it's painful but it's great experience..

 

Life is filled with highs and lows.. You've hit a low.. Guess what, you can start moving towards another high again now. Just don't become a boring person.

 

Imagine yourself meeting your ex in a years time and she asks you what you've been up to. Wouldn't it be great if you could say stuff like "yeah I've gone travelling to X,Y,Z", "I've learned to play the guitar in Mexico", "I'm addicted to salsa dancing" or whatever!

 

Just don't be the guy that has to answer: "I've missed you so much.. I've not done anything the past year but cry, wallow and think of you".. Guess what.. that's not attractive. Be a strong independent man and you will find a new woman.. it's the laws of life.. Just be sure you're growing into a strong independent man and not somebody looking to latch on the first woman that comes along again and make the same mistakes you (and me!) made the first time around..

 

All is good mate.. don't worry about it.. losing love it **** and hard.. but you're still alive, you've learnt a lesson.. life is beautiful.. Find beauty in the small things..

[Whisky1981]

Never be spiteful to your ex. Whatever happens. Always choose to be the better person, accept what has happened, draw your own conclusions and move on.

 

Don't worry about possibly meeting her and her new bf.. you should focus all your time and energy in yourself. What do you want to do with your life? How can you grow as a person?

 

Go get yourself a new hobby, get out there, make new friends. You saw what you did wrong right? You made the same mistake that I did.. you got consumed in your relationship.. you didn't set the boundaries. Everything you did, you did together.. which sounds great but it's not.

 

You need your own schedule, your own hobbies, your own passions and your own life. She needs to have the same. And somewhere in the middle you both make concessions.. that's what true love is.. 2 individuals coming together and forming a bond.. not 2 individuals coming together and becoming 1 individual. I hope you see what I mean as this is fundamental in determining whether you will be able to truly love someone in the future. You need to see where it went wrong.. I know it's painful but it's great experience..

 

Life is filled with highs and lows.. You've hit a low.. Guess what, you can start moving towards another high again now. Just don't become a boring person.

 

Imagine yourself meeting your ex in a years time and she asks you what you've been up to. Wouldn't it be great if you could say stuff like "yeah I've gone travelling to X,Y,Z", "I've learned to play the guitar in Mexico", "I'm addicted to salsa dancing" or whatever!

 

Just don't be the guy that has to answer: "I've missed you so much.. I've not done anything the past year but cry, wallow and think of you".. Guess what.. that's not attractive. Be a strong independent man and you will find a new woman.. it's the laws of life.. Just be sure you're growing into a strong independent man and not somebody looking to latch on the first woman that comes along again and make the same mistakes you (and me!) made the first time around..

 

All is good mate.. don't worry about it.. losing love it **** and hard.. but you're still alive, you've learnt a lesson.. life is beautiful.. Find beauty in the small things..

 

I know the mistakes I made and I know that life is worth living with or without her. I have my own hobbies, I always had them it is her that became boring of them. I am not being spiteful about her but I dont love her either and sometimes that helps to bring yourself up. There is no chance in the world that I would like to reconciliate with a person like that. I am not looking to coming back with her. I know what she has done and how she lied to me so I would never be able to trust her again.

 

I chose to be a better person and to drag myself out of the void I have fallen to in those 9 years. I have family who supports me and I am really greatful for that. The only problem is that my friends are gone and I am pretty much lonely although I know how to entratain myself and not crying around all day living in regret. It was really hard the first month but then I kind of accepted my faith and decided to move on. It will be a long and hard road to endure but I really hope I will meet a new love again somewhere along the path.

 

Thank you for your support.