The Affair makes them stay (married) !

[East7]

During some exchanges with a friend here on LS, I was reminded one of the biggest lessons that I learned from the A.

 

For a long time I refused to acknowledge it as it seems contradicting the very fact of how an affair can be destructive to the marriage. Then what she said struck me like a dazzling light.

 

Being in an affair or prolonging it with a MM or MW helps them to stay married !

 

The very fact that they find an emotional outlet to escape boredom makes their marriage more tolerable. Most of the situations when the MM/MW is involved in an A is when the M is going downhill. A lot of OW/OM think that the the A will be the catalyst to make them divorce. In reality it produces the opposite effects.

I have observed that married people going through relationship crisis have 2 options : either they cheat or they divorce. Obviously they can also go to counseling but most of them take that option after the A is discovered and sh** has hit the fan.

 

I remember when I met xMW, she was contemplating divorce and her confessions were not biased as we were only friends at the beginning. She was depressed and bored in her relationship telling me how much they have become like room-mates. That was before the A happened. During the A the divorce topic became almost taboo. She even said she was never going to divorce him but at the same time she went through fog, guilt, depression and tremendous longing for me.

 

Being involved in the affair, I contributed to feed her with the passion she was lacking in her marriage making it the safety net she could return to. At the same time it helped her with the conflict avoidance without having to face her own 'demons'. She had the best of both worlds even if she had to pay it with a lot of heartache.

 

Fast-forward some weeks ago, 1.5 year after the A ended and after she claimed trying to work things with him. xMW and I talked again. Nothing has changed in her marriage! She is always feeling lonely and going through intermittent depression periods. I realized that these are the very periods when she breaks NC and wants to resume the EA at some fashion..I am her emotional outlet, her shoulder to cry on when her life feels empty. The more she is down, the more she expects me "to save her".

 

I didn't realize until recently how having had me to fill her emptiness made it more easy to her to stay married.

 

Would she have divorced if I was out of the picture ? No one can say with certainty yes, but the feeling I have is that the problems of her relationship would have been much less bearable than escaping through an A.

 

My story is valid for MM as well.

 

So guys, yeah, if you are still in the A, you have no idea how much you are helping them NOT to divorce !

[whichwayisup]

Great post.

Most of the situations when the MM/MW is involved in an A is when the M is going downhill.

 

I'll add this though.. The marriage may not be bad at all, just got stale, daily routine day in and day out, boring and someone else came along, caught his/her eye and then the ego feed happened, flirting etc, then the affair. Or sometimes it's the actual person (CS) that's broken and feels the need to reach out to get attention/love/affection from someone other than their spouse.. But, thoughts of divorce never occured nor will occur to them.

[sad puppy]

East, this is totally correct. I had been in an affair for 1.5 years, was fed up with his fence sitting, and basically after numerous, tumultuous conversations, said that's it, I'm done. This time he knew it. He had already been thru marriage counseling and supposedly had started the divorce conversation but at a slow pace. He then did actually fully discuss it with her and moved out. Well, he blurted out he had an affair and after a week moved out, prior, they had amicably decided on the divorce.

 

I have read this phenomenon before, that the affair partner makes it easier for them to stay in their marriage.

 

Now, in my case, that was 5.5 months ago that he moved out. We barely saw each other, he did attend individual therapy, and maybe still does, I don't know. I ended it 1.5 months ago (he was still in an apartment) as he was still "confused". For all I know, he may be reconciling?

 

Bottom line, there seems to be 3 ways this all can go down:

 

1) CS remains married and affair goes on until whenever it just fades off or blows up. They don't leave.

 

2) AP makes demands and sticks to their guns, CS moves out & moves forward with divorce - may or not be with AP in long run

 

3) CS moves out, is messed up, and decides to return to marriage.

 

So, for the AP, why stick around? Make your voice heard and head on out. They either miss you and move forward with a divorce or not. Anyway you slice it, you start heading to freedom and out of the affair. And leave them to their cheating ways.

[MorningCoffee]

Spot on, East!

 

My counselor's word for my role as the single OM to xMW was being her "misery stabilizer."

[robf1971]

So guys, yeah, if you are still in the A, you have no idea how much you are helping them NOT to divorce !

 

Wow. Have you ever considered a career as a politician?

[darkmoon]

i read elsewhere on the internet about MMs and the advice was to become a good catch for them and to stop sleeping with them - sharply, the advice included the point that the MM can decide that his marriage isn't that bad and stay

 

i've been the OW twice, it hurt me, but for other women i've known they're happy not do his housework so here's a sample quote from OW to a wife "yeah well, i don't have to do his sh*twork"

 

to a younger girl who wants children someday i say to tell the MM to come back single, and MMs it must be said here are unlikely to want to hurt thier children for the OWs sake

 

he might leave home, but i would tell an MM (or somebody living with someone) come back into my life if you're ever single....

Edited February 12, 2012 by darkmoon

[East7]

Talking about my own experience with MW, it is also interesting how she reacted when the "emotional supply" was cut through NC (even if it has never been strict between us).

 

She looked for escape on other things that would make her avoid facing her relationship problems. After the A ended she went to counselling than stopped because she thought it was useless, as she always felt empty and lonely. Then she started abusing with drinking, started smoking (she had never smoked in her life) and traveling restlessly to see her past and present girl-friends. Everything was good to be away from her H. She became obsessed about reading books or religion (there is nothing wrong with that but she had an obsessed behavior). She told me she is doing the right thing staying married but after my conversations with her I realized how her M is no different than before, how she sees herself being a wife as a duty going on with her own issues and her relationship issues. She might be physically with her H but her mind is miles away.

 

Bottomline is I think she doesn't love her H enough to be happy with him but she isn't miserable enough to leave. And unconsciously I helped her to stay. Now she is facing her issues and resuming contact with me once in a while it is her way to receive a 'shot of emotional supply'.

 

Like Morningcoffee said, I was some kind of "misery stabilizer". I filled the void and made her look at her M as "not so bad after all".

[East7]

Wow. Have you ever considered a career as a politician?

 

It looks like I've found a first supporter

[Barrsitter]

East - great post.

 

The only self-respecting thing to do once you wake up and realize that you've completely destroyed your own integrity and standards (by getting involved w/ MM/MW), is turn around and walk away from MM/MW. Why be his/her "misery stabilizer", indeed. I asked myself that question 4 months ago and walked out. Haven't been back. Still NC and feeling just fine. Better than fine. Stronger, more clear about my own standards, more powerful. And no ill feelings towards xMM. Just not going there again.

[East7]

WWIU is right on the money. Over the years, I've had many married men hit on me simply because they were attracted to me and wanted to have sex with someone other than their wives. Their marriages weren't in the crapper and they weren't on the verge of divorce - they just wanted something 'more,' something a little 'different,' a bit of excitement in their otherwise uneventful lives. I'm not anyone's pleasant little diversion so they got absolutely nowhere with me, however.

 

Just wanted to echo the fact that not ALL men are in lousy marriages - some just want a little sexual variety.

 

 

Sure. But I didn't generalize my theory to ALL but to MOST of cases. WWIU made a good point but there are a many other ways of putting variety in a monogamous relationship, than jumping the fence. And if it's really about putting it in a different p*$$y, a weekend in Vegas will make the trick

 

No, what I was really talking about was about emotional void inside the marriage, not so much about occasional thrill.

[beenburned]

east,

 

The emotional void is in your XMW!! Notice how she replaced you with other types of addictions. This is common behavoir in people with OCD, ADD, ADHD, and depression.(also love and sex addictics)

[donnamaybe]

Totally agree OP. If someone gets caught up with a committed person there is a point where they make a conscious choice to be an AP or not. Once they decide to be an OW/OM they have just handed the WS the right to remain in limbo for as long as their AP continues to put up with it.

[East7]

Totally agree OP. If someone gets caught up with a committed person there is a point where they make a conscious choice to be an AP or not. Once they decide to be an OW/OM they have just handed the WS the right to remain in limbo for as long as their AP continues to put up with it.

 

There is a proverb that says "Why buy the cow when the milk is for free".

 

If the AP gives full emotional and/or sexual devotion the WS has no incentive to change anything.

[Lostinlife4now]

Absolutely true!!!!! Misery stabilizer! Never heard that one before!

I was the drug of choice that kept his marriage tolerable! Oh HELL YES!!!!

 

I was involved for a long while with a MM...then I said to myself...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? She reaped ALL the benefits..and yes there were benefits..and I was the one doing all the leg work for HER to be kept in her lifestyle...I was the one that filled his void, stroked the old ego, (which in turn built his confidence as a man and helped him climb the corporate ladder) and yes the sex was killer...

 

But like he always said "HE WOULD NEVER DIVORCE" because he has an obligation to his young children! (cop out) he doesn't want to pay alimony or child support!

 

Then keep your penis in your W vagina....not mine!!!!!

 

Oh my I could write a book!!!!

[MissBee]

Absolutely true!!!!! Misery stabilizer! Never heard that one before!

I was the drug of choice that kept his marriage tolerable! Oh HELL YES!!!!

 

I was involved for a long while with a MM...then I said to myself...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? She reaped ALL the benefits..and yes there were benefits..and I was the one doing all the leg work for HER to be kept in her lifestyle...I was the one that filled his void, stroked the old ego, (which in turn built his confidence as a man and helped him climb the corporate ladder) and yes the sex was killer...

 

But like he always said "HE WOULD NEVER DIVORCE" because he has an obligation to his young children! (cop out) he doesn't want to pay alimony or child support!

 

Then keep your penis in your W vagina....not mine!!!!!

 

Oh my I could write a book!!!!

 

Funny!

 

I think in some eras, that was the recognized roles of OW or mistresses. Especially within aristocracy and where divorce was uncommon, men "kept" mistresses, sex and emotional outlet as well as provide for her monetarily. But the social climate was such that, there would be no divorcing and marrying your mistress....being a mistress was just that.

 

However, now that times have changed and people are free to divorce at whim and a lot of OW are not "kept" women, but have their own jobs and social freedom to pursue their own income....it seems way less beneficial and exploitative to be an OW...waiting for a man to divorce. If you go into the situation realizing you are signing up to be an OW/mistress...then do so. But I think many women nowadays sign up in sure hopes of achieving more, being promoted, ousting the wife etc....and then they foolishly play the role of mistress (that often the MM do want)....sex and everything else you described...with nothing to show for it besides a hope that one day it won't be like that.

[robf1971]

not ALL men are in lousy marriages - some just want a little sexual variety.

 

Sorry, any man who goes and cheats has something very wrong with their marriage.

[donnamaybe]

Sorry, any man who goes and cheats has something very wrong with their marriage.

 

Yeah. HE is a part of it.

[MissBee]

Sorry, any man who goes and cheats has something very wrong with their marriage.

 

I think something can be "wrong" and need improvement in most marriages...doesn't mean it is lousy.

 

I think lousy is in reference to what some married men portray, no sex, sleeping elsewhere, wife's a biatch and they just paint a dreaded scene. Then you spy through the window and see him on the couch with the wife cuddling and watching a movie, they went on vacation, she cooks him dinner, they sleep in the same bed and have sex. Then you're like WTF? Well something is wrong yes...but this woman is not what you said and the situation is not as horrible as you have made it seem!

 

I think that is what is implied here. Having a marriage that is making your life miserable...or you being miserable or bored of your own accord and trying to add outside spice while either lying on your wife or you erase her altogether. In my situation, he at least had the courtesy (? ) of letting me know that his relationship was fine and nothing was wrong with it, he just loved me too Which signaled to me that his cheating is his OWN stuff and not because the relationship wasn't working out to his satisfaction. He just seems to me like one who cannot be monogamous (and I don't believe everyone can or should be) but is trying to play the monogamous role unsuccessfully.

[robf1971]

I think something can be "wrong" and need improvement in most marriages...doesn't mean it is lousy.

 

Don't know my marriage has been reconciled from a tremendously rough period, still, the thought of being with anyone other than my wife turns my stomach. A lot of other friends of mine have been through the same or a similar thing and they've not run into the arms of the first lady who's hit on them.

[MissBee]

Don't know my marriage has been reconciled from a tremendously rough period, still, the thought of being with anyone other than my wife turns my stomach. A lot of other friends of mine have been through the same or a similar thing and they've not run into the arms of the first lady who's hit on them.

 

Huh? I'm not sure what that means with regards to the commented you quoted, which is that a marriage may have its problems but is not lousy. Not sure if you were agreeing, disagreeing or what.

[carhill]

Being in an affair or prolonging it with a MM or MW helps them to stay married

My data points would generally agree, though my own is perhaps anomalous, in that it was an impetus to end an unhealthy M and regain personal health.

 

As an OM, of the data points I'm aware of, I was replaced by someone else when discontinuing. Some of those I would know contemporaneously and some only retrospectively. In most cases, those M's did go on, for some years anyway. Some are still going on.

 

If I would quibble over a word, it might be the word 'makes', replacing it with 'allows' or 'facilitates' or 'enables'. As an OM, I often felt as an 'enabler' and would later learn more about 'co-dependency' in MC. That made sense.

 

TBH, I feel far happier leaving all that stuff behind and living single and alone. Life is satisfying. Something for everyone.

[Woggle]

Some people just want to have security and play around as well. They demonize their spouse in order to justify cheating to themselves and others.

 

I have had married women hit on me and even when I was single it was a huge no. I am not about to help anybody betray the person they vowed to love and cherish.

[robf1971]

Some people just want to have security and play around as well. They demonize their spouse in order to justify cheating to themselves and others.

 

I have had married women hit on me and even when I was single it was a huge no. I am not about to help anybody betray the person they vowed to love and cherish.

 

It's just plain creepy, married people looking for someone to cheat on.

[freestyle]

east,

 

The emotional void is in your XMW!! Notice how she replaced you with other types of addictions. This is common behavoir in people with OCD, ADD, ADHD, and depression.(also love and sex addictics)

 

Ding, ding , ding-we have a winner!

 

Right on the money, beenburned.

I'd also like to add that it's also very common with those individuals afflicted with the Cluster B disorders---NPD, ASPD,BPD (Borderline, NOT Bi-polar)

 

There are times when the CS is broken so badly, that they can't handle genuine intimacy (being authentic) with their spouse, so they are on an endless hunt for positive mirroring.....Their need for constant admiration outweighs their concern for the needs and well-being of their partner.

 

As soon as their partner finds fault with them in any way, they become a threat to the false self which has been created by someone with one of the Cluster B disorders.So the CS looks elsewhere..........

[whichwayisup]

WWIU is right on the money. Over the years, I've had many married men hit on me simply because they were attracted to me and wanted to have sex with someone other than their wives. Their marriages weren't in the crapper and they weren't on the verge of divorce - they just wanted something 'more,' something a little 'different,' a bit of excitement in their otherwise uneventful lives. I'm not anyone's pleasant little diversion so they got absolutely nowhere with me, however.

 

Just wanted to echo the fact that not ALL men are in lousy marriages - some just want a little sexual variety.

 

Sorry, but it isn't flattering to have a married person want to f8ck you. Just my 2 cents. It's flattering and feels nice to know one still 'has it' and gets noticed (compliments - Hey, you look fantastic today, nice dress, your hair is nice, you smell good.. That's OK, but lusting after someone else when you're married is yuck!) on occasion.