The Affair makes them stay (married) !

[MissBee]

Ever flirt with someone at a party? Call up a friend? Accept a compliment from someone? Suggest that 'we get together sometime'? All part of the slippery slope of seeking emotional/sexual validation. Was it really that hard? Difficult? Fear/anxiety inducing?

 

IME, the strokes MW's have gotten from me over the decades were easy for them. Nothing. Merely letting it happen. Compared to breaking up their family to 'move on', almost a non-event. That's why they did it. A couple LS ladies here called it 'situational ego feeding' when I described specifics. Whether the dynamic lasted a night or years (I've experienced the gamut), it was still easy and 'convenient', compared to the specter of divorce.

 

My own data point reflects the same dynamic. Was it more 'neutral' to reach out to an old love or end my unhealthy M? Divorce scared the shyte out of me, as well it should have, given the cleaning my clock took in it. Sending a BD card to an old love, not so fear-inducing. Talking on the phone. Traveling. Bla, bla.

IME, the people who really good at affairs are both practiced in situational and long term ego feeding and know how to smoothly get what they want, as well as being amazingly compartmentalized in their human relations. Their pragmatism is something I admire, separated from the pain and hurt it causes. Comparatively, I was lousy at it, on both sides of the street. Something for everyone, I guess.

 

Great post! This is extremely true and all you've described delineates how the relationship between my exAP and I was, especially on his end.

 

Some OW/OM, even here on LS, have expressed the idea that the MP loves them because of the "great risk" they are taking for them....and while on one hand it seems like a risk, a lot of times to that person, having an affair (which they usually believe they can manage smoothly and simultaneously with their other life) is less scary and risky than if they were to address their marriage problems or divorce and step out on their own for real. The risk is being found out...that is the only part risky about the A. But divorce has so many other "risks" - not seeing your kids as much, perhaps your A not working out into a full relationship so you find yourself divorced and single, having to pay alimony, having your lifestyle change, have relationships with friends, family and in-laws change etc. Compared to that, having an A, which you plan on keeping secret would seem a lot less risky.

[East7]

Ex: Larry King's wife. Screwing 30 year old gym coach. But would not leave Larry.....That is unless gym coach won a 200 million dollar lottery and asked her to marry. then you would see how fast she would leave..

 

Good to read you again jLola..It has been a while.

[East7]

I feel that the discussion is drifting towards "risk management".

 

To bring it to the topic, I suggest that risk is something you take when you have no choice or you have a strong incentive to change the situation.

 

Having an AP is not an incentive to take a risk to divorce because the different needs are met by 2 different partners - One is giving stability, an official secure relationship while the other is giving emotional/sexual satisfaction.

 

From that perspective, if the AP ends the A and the emotional supply is cut, that would be an incentive for the MP to change something in the marriage or end it.

 

WHen an AP is in the picture, everything seems so much more complicated.

[Emme]

Which is why I don't understand why East talked to his xMW after so many months of NC. The only thing I would want to hear from my xMW is "My divorce is final and I'm sorry what I did to you."

 

I do get the fear part. When I left my marriage hoping to be with my xMW someday. It was the hardest thing I ever did and the unknown is scary but I did it.

 

 

We can talk about being strong but if some of us truly came face to face with this perdicament some would just fail, horribly. He has tried to make things go smoothly and this might be a set back. East is making posts that shows the pain is coming to the surface all over again. All we can do is get him back on the right track. East we are here for you.

 

I can say that I don't think I would have been able to leave my realtionship to be with my friend. Even before marriage became a factor it was more of fear that we weren't good for each other. If we weren't good for each other when the realtionship was over that would be the end of us being in each other's lives. It's one thing when you love someone and they know you inside out. It's another to risk loosing someone that you never want to loose. I commend you for making that hard decision C4N. Fear crippled me from even confessing my true feelings. Wish it didn't but it did. Fear stops many peole from living.

[East7]

Ever flirt with someone at a party? Call up a friend? Accept a compliment from someone? Suggest that 'we get together sometime'? All part of the slippery slope of seeking emotional/sexual validation. Was it really that hard? Difficult? Fear/anxiety inducing?

 

Sorry carhill, the way you wrote it, I understood "the neutrality" only in the EA/PA context.

 

IME/IRL most MW involved in As are emotionally invested and impacted. Those MW who compartmentalize their A are the kind that have this skill in any area of their life (cold users, sexually addicted etc).

[FelicityShot]

Fear of the unknown is a very good point. I think it can be so powerful that it may overweight the desire to be with the AP. But that is a selfish fear because the "unknown" goes both ways and most AP are willing to face it.

 

The unknown is not the only thing they fear. Most WS fear the pain they will inflict to their BS if they go with the AP. Guilt is a powerful retention web.

 

Things I was scared of in the run up to my split with xH:

 

Making a dreadful mistake I would regret

 

Being alone

 

Causing pain (like you said)

 

Dating

 

Hurting our kids

 

Facing the fact that all I had dreamed of was not to be

 

Being a loser

 

Not being financially viable to look after the kids

 

Losing my mind along with my security in the M - like losing my foothold in life.

 

I was terrified, to be frank. And after the split I was bereft. If I had still been involved with the xAP at that point, it would not have been easier. In fact, it would have been worse, as xH and I have been mutually supportive through the split.

 

Things I was afraid of by staying in the M:

 

Causing pain (it's a lose-lose here)

 

Dying inside

 

Making a dreadful mistake

 

Becoming an alcoholic

 

Being alone in another sense

 

Facing that my dreams of a happy future were not to be

 

Actually, the list of fears here is very similar - perhaps why the decision is not easy.

 

Don't know if the xMW you were involved with East would have had similar fears?

 

In the end, I chose to face the fears involved in the split, rather than those for staying.

 

I think this is why cowardice is not an adequate explanation - there are fears to be faced either way you turn, and good possible outcomes by circumventing and/or facing the fears whichever path you choose.

[TigerCub]

During some exchanges with a friend here on LS, I was reminded one of the biggest lessons that I learned from the A.

 

For a long time I refused to acknowledge it as it seems contradicting the very fact of how an affair can be destructive to the marriage. Then what she said struck me like a dazzling light.

 

Being in an affair or prolonging it with a MM or MW helps them to stay married !

 

The very fact that they find an emotional outlet to escape boredom makes their marriage more tolerable. Most of the situations when the MM/MW is involved in an A is when the M is going downhill. A lot of OW/OM think that the the A will be the catalyst to make them divorce. In reality it produces the opposite effects.

I have observed that married people going through relationship crisis have 2 options : either they cheat or they divorce. Obviously they can also go to counseling but most of them take that option after the A is discovered and sh** has hit the fan.

 

I remember when I met xMW, she was contemplating divorce and her confessions were not biased as we were only friends at the beginning. She was depressed and bored in her relationship telling me how much they have become like room-mates. That was before the A happened. During the A the divorce topic became almost taboo. She even said she was never going to divorce him but at the same time she went through fog, guilt, depression and tremendous longing for me.

 

Being involved in the affair, I contributed to feed her with the passion she was lacking in her marriage making it the safety net she could return to. At the same time it helped her with the conflict avoidance without having to face her own 'demons'. She had the best of both worlds even if she had to pay it with a lot of heartache.

 

Fast-forward some weeks ago, 1.5 year after the A ended and after she claimed trying to work things with him. xMW and I talked again. Nothing has changed in her marriage! She is always feeling lonely and going through intermittent depression periods. I realized that these are the very periods when she breaks NC and wants to resume the EA at some fashion..I am her emotional outlet, her shoulder to cry on when her life feels empty. The more she is down, the more she expects me "to save her".

 

I didn't realize until recently how having had me to fill her emptiness made it more easy to her to stay married.

 

Would she have divorced if I was out of the picture ? No one can say with certainty yes, but the feeling I have is that the problems of her relationship would have been much less bearable than escaping through an A.

 

My story is valid for MM as well.

 

So guys, yeah, if you are still in the A, you have no idea how much you are helping them NOT to divorce !

 

Hi East

 

Great post!!

I agree that being in the A, just helps the MP stay, because it fills what is missing, so staying is more tolerable.

 

According to XMM, he went to counseling with his gf in March of 2011, I stopped talking to him in Dec 2010 - so pretty much 3 months after I cut him off, he realized that something needed to change in his R. And according to him, after counseling they broke up.

 

Maybe its silly of me, but I do honestly believe that if I didn't cut him off, he never would have done anything about his failing R.

There is no way to know for sure - but that's how I see it at least.

 

Good post!

[RickFox]

Sorry carhill, the way you wrote it, I understood "the neutrality" only in the EA/PA context.

 

IME/IRL most MW involved in As are emotionally invested and impacted. Those MW who compartmentalize their A are the kind that have this skill in any area of their life (cold users, sexually addicted etc).

 

 

I'd like to think my xAP was emotionally invested but the way she turned on me so quickly, how fast I became the enemy.....I was the threat to her suddenly reconnected marriage.... I have a hard time seeing her as anything but a cold disconnected user.... Of course she hasn't shown any traits like East's woman, no contact, no I miss you's....I don't care what anyone says, when you really did give yourself to someone and they keep returning, it will rip you apart....so I guess Im lucky that I don't have to go thru what East has to with his exMW.....used to be envious.....

 

I'm sure I'll be right back posting if I find things change and Im contacted .... I doubt it , but ........ it does seem the affair sure did help her stay in her supposedly miserable marriage.

[carhill]

I'd like to think my xAP was emotionally invested but the way she turned on me so quickly, how fast I became the enemy.

 

This is an example of the practiced pragmatist, who puts your 'box' away and pulls out the marriage box to invest their time/energy/love into. It was convenient to have your box out and they no doubt felt good when it was out and emotionally invested in the box while it was out but, when put away, it is conveniently forgotten. IMO, there is no prejudice involved, no purposeful intent, rather merely the pragmatic process to satisfy the id. However, if there is occasion to pull out the box again, all those memories and emotions remain fresh, safely stored away in the box and, for the box owner, it is like they have returned to that time, space and feeling. It all appears and feels authentic as, for them, it is like time has not passed. No grief, no healing, no change.

 

That's one potential path, IMO. There are many potential paths. My anecdotes with MW's have predominantly been black holes, meaning occurrences similar to the quote, perhaps more indicative of their unique psychologies rather than inferring any generality with regard to affairs and the people in them. My readings here support that assertion. Some people do say 'goodbye' in a more sensitive and respectful manner when they recommit to their M. I just haven't yet met the women who could actually have the conversation.

[East7]

Things I was afraid of by staying in the M:

 

Causing pain (it's a lose-lose here) - I grieved and MW hurt..A LOT. She made a depression after our A ended, she lost weight and was unable to go to work for almost 1 month !

 

Dying inside - She says "she is trying to be happy"

 

Making a dreadful mistake - She wrote me that staying M was something that deep in her heart she regrets.

 

Becoming an alcoholic - She started drinking, luckily not to the point of being alcoholic.

 

Being alone in another sense - She says she is going through chronic loneliness.

 

Facing that my dreams of a happy future were not to be - She was afraid that she would resent me and we would fail.

 

Actually, the list of fears here is very similar - perhaps why the decision is not easy.

 

Don't know if the xMW you were involved with East would have had similar fears?

 

In the end, I chose to face the fears involved in the split, rather than those for staying.

 

I think this is why cowardice is not an adequate explanation - there are fears to be faced either way you turn, and good possible outcomes by circumventing and/or facing the fears whichever path you choose.

 

 

See answers next to your fears...(in bold italics)

 

I don't want to say all MW who stay experience the same things. Each case is different at some extent.

 

When the AP is out of the picture, every MM and MW is faced to their relationship and forced either to fix or end it.

 

As long as the AP is there, those fears stay in the status of fears, no moving on - that is called limbo

[East7]

Hi East

 

Great post!!

I agree that being in the A, just helps the MP stay, because it fills what is missing, so staying is more tolerable.

 

According to XMM, he went to counseling with his gf in March of 2011, I stopped talking to him in Dec 2010 - so pretty much 3 months after I cut him off, he realized that something needed to change in his R. And according to him, after counseling they broke up.

 

Maybe its silly of me, but I do honestly believe that if I didn't cut him off, he never would have done anything about his failing R.

There is no way to know for sure - but that's how I see it at least.

 

Good post!

 

Hi TC

Thanks.

 

No you aren't silly. You were his misery stabilizer too.

[East7]

.....

Of course she hasn't shown any traits like East's woman, no contact, no I miss you's....I don't care what anyone says, when you really did give yourself to someone and they keep returning, it will rip you apart....so I guess Im lucky that I don't have to go thru what East has to with his exMW.....used to be envious.....

.

 

You are right. Had she been heartless, or had I sensed a total lack of reciprocated feelings, it would have been x1000 easier for me to move on.

[FelicityShot]

See answers next to your fears...(in bold italics)

 

I don't want to say all MW who stay experience the same things. Each case is different at some extent.

 

When the AP is out of the picture, every MM and MW is faced to their relationship and forced either to fix or end it.

 

As long as the AP is there, those fears stay in the status of fears, no moving on - that is called limbo

 

Chronic loneliness in connection with M is something i find hard to observe.

 

I wonder what it means when you are lonely in a M - or when you observe that.

[NoIDidn't]

Chronic loneliness in connection with M is something i find hard to observe.

 

I wonder what it means when you are lonely in a M - or when you observe that.

 

I remember being in church and listening to the pastor and his wife speak at a marriage seminar for singles hoping to one day get married. I was 20.

 

The wife said she never understood loneliness until she got married.

 

Loneliness in a marriage is a symptom of being taken for granted by one's spouse. It's a symptom that the marriage isn't being prioritized OR that one places too many expectations on their spouse to entertain them.

 

But I can guarantee that you have observed it and even heard about it. Especially if you are dating a married man. MM/MW both tell their OPs that they are lonely. But it seems some OP's think its only valid when coming from a MM.

[FightClub]

East,

 

This was a great thread and while it's amusing that it's something we've all come to find out at one point or another in our experiences with affairs it's also quite amazing to really see it for yourself when you're out of the affair long enough.

 

I can look back now in my time with exMW and realize, the more time she was spending away from her spouse and talking to me for hours meant the less she had to deal with and eventually just go back to him when she felt good enough from our talks and communication style.

 

It never occurred to me when I was in the whole dynamic at it's prime but I was accepting way less than I deserved and she was able to stabilize what wasn't working in the marriage with our time together.

 

Unfortunately, it takes a lot of self-introspective work and growth to see the mistakes I made and what I willingly allowed myself to get into it and the best part out of all of this is that I can live my life going forward, not hiding but alive and free to see whoever I want and eventually meet someone worthwhile.

 

Ya'know, a single woman, not someone who is selfish and flipping between the fantasy.

 

-FC

[Confused4Now]

East,

 

This was a great thread and while it's amusing that it's something we've all come to find out at one point or another in our experiences with affairs it's also quite amazing to really see it for yourself when you're out of the affair long enough.

 

I can look back now in my time with exMW and realize, the more time she was spending away from her spouse and talking to me for hours meant the less she had to deal with and eventually just go back to him when she felt good enough from our talks and communication style.

 

It never occurred to me when I was in the whole dynamic at it's prime but I was accepting way less than I deserved and she was able to stabilize what wasn't working in the marriage with our time together.

 

Unfortunately, it takes a lot of self-introspective work and growth to see the mistakes I made and what I willingly allowed myself to get into it and the best part out of all of this is that I can live my life going forward, not hiding but alive and free to see whoever I want and eventually meet someone worthwhile.

 

Ya'know, a single woman, not someone who is selfish and flipping between the fantasy.

 

-FC

What's sad is how long it takes some people to figure things out. I knocked on my xMW door about 3 years prior to kicking her to the curb. I should have figured it out a lot sooner but didn't. Good post FC

[jlola]

I do believe the affair helps keep the marriage together. But I also believe if the spouse says "enough" get out now and pulls the rug out from under them and allows them to suffer and live in the real world, the spouse gets all of the power. Even if off with affair person, all of the sudden the cheater is confused. Especially if the spouse forgets all about them and begins dating.

 

Cheaters want what is best for them. Not what is best for the lover,not for spouse,not the kids. They hate to feel like the one who has no control. They want to control the outcome.

 

I had a friend who'se husband was having an affair. He even told their pastor he was in love and they were meant to be. He was that dead set on leaving. My friend kept clinging and crying. made herself damned unattractive to him. I along with other friends told her to STOP behaving that way and IGNORE him. She began refusing to accept his phone calls and dress nicely when she went anywhere. Soon it was driving her husband crazy. I told her to keep it up. By her doing that, the focus on his new "soulmate" would diminish. she did not believe that. She thought she lost him for good.

 

Then one weekend, she took a girls trip to see Joyce Meyer which was far from her, so she and a few friends stayed in a hotel. She did not tell him where are what she was doing. he returned to an irate husband who accused her of all sorts of things(she had daughter sleep over at sister's which he knew about, but accused her of neglect). His jealousy was immature. He started it. But he couldn't take it.

 

He eventually asked her to go to therapy and gave up the "soulmate". I am convinced whooever ignores them first is the one they want.

 

I asked one of my male friends once who had left his MW, if he thought once he had her,life would have been good? If he thought their relationship would have worked had the husband pulled the rug out from under her before she was ready.

 

He had to think about it. he thought probably not. What he could not offer her financial security,big house,trips she would miss. He says now looking at it realistically, she would have probably found a way to flirt with her husband if he was ignoring her. Especially if he had her replacement and was happy. She liked attention very much. When she would take a break to "work on her marriage" she would eventually send a romantic card, or email with a song attached to get his attention back. Probably the times she needed an endorphin boost and also an ego boost that someone was pining for her.

[East7]

East,

 

This was a great thread and while it's amusing that it's something we've all come to find out at one point or another in our experiences with affairs it's also quite amazing to really see it for yourself when you're out of the affair long enough.

 

I can look back now in my time with exMW and realize, the more time she was spending away from her spouse and talking to me for hours meant the less she had to deal with and eventually just go back to him when she felt good enough from our talks and communication style.

 

It never occurred to me when I was in the whole dynamic at it's prime but I was accepting way less than I deserved and she was able to stabilize what wasn't working in the marriage with our time together.

 

Unfortunately, it takes a lot of self-introspective work and growth to see the mistakes I made and what I willingly allowed myself to get into it and the best part out of all of this is that I can live my life going forward, not hiding but alive and free to see whoever I want and eventually meet someone worthwhile.

 

Ya'know, a single woman, not someone who is selfish and flipping between the fantasy.

 

-FC

 

As C4N said, what is sad is the time it takes to realize that during the A you enabled them to stay married.

 

The As are often a means to avoid conflict inside marriage and escape in another reality. The MPs have 2 realities, that with the AP and the other with the the BS. When they are with the AP they do feel guilt but they are so absorbed with the feelings and lust for the AP that they live in another reality. When MW was with me she didn't care at all about H, where he was or what he was doing. She was disconnected from her reality for a while and she liked that feeling of escape. It was like an oxygen breathing for her.

 

The fact that MW/MM are so deeply overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts about their AP even when they are at home make them totally indifferent to their marriage problems.

 

The poor BS doesn't understand why the WS is so indifferent, daydreaming and completely detached. Meanwhile the fights cease leaving place to indifference and emotional distance. The marriage problems are put on hold because the WS has found and escape and doesn't care.

 

When the A ends for whatever reason and the AP is out of the picture, the MP get their old life back and have to face the reality and make a choice either to fix their marriage or end it.

Edited February 21, 2012 by East7

[Spark1111]

As C4N said, what is sad is the time it takes to realize that during the A you enabled them to stay married.

 

The As are often a means to avoid conflict inside marriage and escape in another reality. The MPs have 2 realities, that with the AP and the other with the the BS. When they are with the AP they do feel guilt but they are so absorbed with the feelings and lust for the AP that they live in another reality. When MW was with me she didn't care at all about H, where he was or what he was doing. She was disconnected from her reality for a while and she liked that feeling of escape. It was like an oxygen breathing for her.

 

The fact that MW/MM are so deeply overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts about their AP even when they are at home make them totally indifferent to their marriage problems.

 

The poor BS doesn't understand why the WS is so indifferent, daydreaming and completely detached. Meanwhile the fights cease leaving place to indifference and emotional distance. The marriage problems are put on hold because the WS has found and escape and doesn't care.

 

When the A ends for whatever reason and the AP is out of the picture, the MP get their old life back and have to face the reality and make a choice either to fix their marriage or end it.

 

 

Perfect post East!

 

Indifferent at home? I would have been thrilled with mere indifference.....try mean, distant, critical, picking arguments for no reason, not only with me....but with OUR children also! Think that doesn't have an effect?

 

And, the MP only gets their life back at home if there has been no DDAY, no truth-telling, no consequences that forced them to look at themselves and change!

 

They DESERVE their misery because they are unwilling to fix it with honesty.

 

One of two things happen. They go back to the marriage they are unhappy with forever (yeah, right) or they eventually find another AP to alleviate all that is wrong within themselves.....pretty quickly.

 

Because, see It was never, could never be their fault thay they are so unhappy. Their selfishness, in the marriage AND in the affair, could never be a reason that they are so unhappy with them. What do these people GIVE to a relationship? What?

[FelicityShot]

Perfect post East!

 

Indifferent at home? I would have been thrilled with mere indifference.....try mean, distant, critical, picking arguments for no reason, not only with me....but with OUR children also! Think that doesn't have an effect?

 

And, the MP only gets their life back at home if there has been no DDAY, no truth-telling, no consequences that forced them to look at themselves and change!

 

They DESERVE their misery because they are unwilling to fix it with honesty.

 

One of two things happen. They go back to the marriage they are unhappy with forever (yeah, right) or they eventually find another AP to alleviate all that is wrong within themselves.....pretty quickly.

 

Because, see It was never, could never be their fault thay they are so unhappy. Their selfishness, in the marriage AND in the affair, could never be a reason that they are so unhappy with them. What do these people GIVE to a relationship? What?

 

I see so few questions here Spark. I know you decided on the 180 with your WS.

 

But sometimes as you have taught me over time, you can learn too. Why was the WS unhappy?

 

I always trust the wisdom of experience and that of questions better than that of answers.

 

When was the last time you asked a question you didn't know the answer to?

 

You have a lot of experience, but I begin to be wary of your advice because there are no questions.

[bentnotbroken]

I see so few questions here Spark. I know you decided on the 180 with your WS.

 

But sometimes as you have taught me over time, you can learn too. Why was the WS unhappy?

 

I always trust the wisdom of experience and that of questions better than that of answers.

 

When was the last time you asked a question you didn't know the answer to?

 

You have a lot of experience, but I begin to be wary of your advice because there are no questions.

 

 

What questions do you think she should have? Is it possible that the questions you think should be there have already been answered or never existed?

[FelicityShot]

What questions do you think she should have? Is it possible that the questions you think should be there have already been answered or never existed?

 

Most things are possible.

 

Do you think questions re life and morality are healthy?

[bentnotbroken]

Most things are possible.

 

Do you think questions re life and morality are healthy?

 

 

Certainly.

[robf1971]

I do believe the affair helps keep the marriage together. But I also believe if the spouse says "enough" get out now and pulls the rug out from under them and allows them to suffer and live in the real world, the spouse gets all of the power. Even if off with affair person, all of the sudden the cheater is confused. Especially if the spouse forgets all about them and begins dating.

 

Cheaters want what is best for them. Not what is best for the lover,not for spouse,not the kids. They hate to feel like the one who has no control. They want to control the outcome.

 

I had a friend who'se husband was having an affair. He even told their pastor he was in love and they were meant to be. He was that dead set on leaving. My friend kept clinging and crying. made herself damned unattractive to him. I along with other friends told her to STOP behaving that way and IGNORE him. She began refusing to accept his phone calls and dress nicely when she went anywhere. Soon it was driving her husband crazy. I told her to keep it up. By her doing that, the focus on his new "soulmate" would diminish. she did not believe that. She thought she lost him for good.

 

Then one weekend, she took a girls trip to see Joyce Meyer which was far from her, so she and a few friends stayed in a hotel. She did not tell him where are what she was doing. he returned to an irate husband who accused her of all sorts of things(she had daughter sleep over at sister's which he knew about, but accused her of neglect). His jealousy was immature. He started it. But he couldn't take it.

 

He eventually asked her to go to therapy and gave up the "soulmate". I am convinced whooever ignores them first is the one they want.

 

I asked one of my male friends once who had left his MW, if he thought once he had her,life would have been good? If he thought their relationship would have worked had the husband pulled the rug out from under her before she was ready.

 

He had to think about it. he thought probably not. What he could not offer her financial security,big house,trips she would miss. He says now looking at it realistically, she would have probably found a way to flirt with her husband if he was ignoring her. Especially if he had her replacement and was happy. She liked attention very much. When she would take a break to "work on her marriage" she would eventually send a romantic card, or email with a song attached to get his attention back. Probably the times she needed an endorphin boost and also an ego boost that someone was pining for her.

 

Yep this is absolutely why a BS should give their cheating spouse to the Affair partner in a loving way. They want them so badly let them be together.

[frozensprouts]

I do believe the affair helps keep the marriage together. But I also believe if the spouse says "enough" get out now and pulls the rug out from under them and allows them to suffer and live in the real world, the spouse gets all of the power. Even if off with affair person, all of the sudden the cheater is confused. Especially if the spouse forgets all about them and begins dating.

 

Cheaters want what is best for them. Not what is best for the lover,not for spouse,not the kids. They hate to feel like the one who has no control. They want to control the outcome.

 

I had a friend who'se husband was having an affair. He even told their pastor he was in love and they were meant to be. He was that dead set on leaving. My friend kept clinging and crying. made herself damned unattractive to him. I along with other friends told her to STOP behaving that way and IGNORE him. She began refusing to accept his phone calls and dress nicely when she went anywhere. Soon it was driving her husband crazy. I told her to keep it up. By her doing that, the focus on his new "soulmate" would diminish. she did not believe that. She thought she lost him for good.

 

Then one weekend, she took a girls trip to see Joyce Meyer which was far from her, so she and a few friends stayed in a hotel. She did not tell him where are what she was doing. he returned to an irate husband who accused her of all sorts of things(she had daughter sleep over at sister's which he knew about, but accused her of neglect). His jealousy was immature. He started it. But he couldn't take it.

 

He eventually asked her to go to therapy and gave up the "soulmate". I am convinced whooever ignores them first is the one they want.

 

I asked one of my male friends once who had left his MW, if he thought once he had her,life would have been good? If he thought their relationship would have worked had the husband pulled the rug out from under her before she was ready.

 

He had to think about it. he thought probably not. What he could not offer her financial security,big house,trips she would miss. He says now looking at it realistically, she would have probably found a way to flirt with her husband if he was ignoring her. Especially if he had her replacement and was happy. She liked attention very much. When she would take a break to "work on her marriage" she would eventually send a romantic card, or email with a song attached to get his attention back. Probably the times she needed an endorphin boost and also an ego boost that someone was pining for her.

 

 

this is interesting...

 

I have heard from a lot of betrayed spouses ( myself included) that once they tell their wayward spouse to go and be with their affair partner if that's what will make them happy ( and are serious about it), all of a sudden the affair fizzles out.I have wondered why that happens.

That's what happened with my husband and myself. I tried everything i could think of to keep our marriage together, and I'd finally had enough. I told him ( and her too), that since they loved each other they should be together and he was free to go ( of course, he always was, but now he knew it for sure). The affair pretty much right afterwards.