The Affair makes them stay (married) !

[beenburned]

FS,

It is because it bursts their fantasy affair bubble!

 

Then they are forced to think of the reality of daily life with OW.(living arrangements, sharing kids, filing for divorce, division of all assets, losing BW, etc.)

 

It is referred to as coming out of the affair fog.

[Spark1111]

I see so few questions here Spark. I know you decided on the 180 with your WS.

 

But sometimes as you have taught me over time, you can learn too. Why was the WS unhappy?

 

I always trust the wisdom of experience and that of questions better than that of answers.

 

When was the last time you asked a question you didn't know the answer to?

 

You have a lot of experience, but I begin to be wary of your advice because there are no questions.

 

He was unhappy for many reasons; surprisingly few having to do with us although it was much easier to project them onto me when he had crashed into her and their attraction was growing stronger. He was depressed and felt "less than" after job loss and a painful physical condition was as of yet, untreated. We were dead broke and I just kept working more jobs to keep hearth and home over our heads.

 

isn't it amazing that when he received a high-powered position, where he met her, and we began to get on our feet, THEY convinced themselves I must be here for a paycheck?

 

He needed to conjure up a lot of reasons to pick apart the marriage and me to assuage his guilt; to keep getting in deeper and deeper with her.

 

She was oh so happy to help him in that regard. But she was only hearing his side, a very sad and skewed side of the story.

 

In therapy he learned it wasn't what he was getting, it was what he wasn't giving to the relationship he needed to examine.

 

His view of love was very immature also; believing limerance is love. As the therapist took him him through every ACTION I had performed for him and the family, his head started to spin.

 

Part of the Affair dynamic is to render the BS invisible.

[frozensprouts]

 

 

Part of the Affair dynamic is to render the BS invisible.

 

or completely responsible.

[Confused4Now]

When the A ends for whatever reason and the AP is out of the picture, the MP get their old life back and have to face the reality and make a choice either to fix their marriage or end it.

Actually there is a third choice...do nothing.

[missjones]

I agree with your theory..in terms of my xmm, went I finally saw sense and ended it he told me a few months after that he would never put himself through that sort of pain again ie - the "heart break of me walking away from the relationship" hence, he would stay with the safer more comfortable option - his marriage.

[East7]

Actually there is a third choice...do nothing.

 

that's what my xMW did..nothing. Just stayed married because too hard to leave it and too unmotivated to fix it.

[kareena]

I totally agree!

 

I do believe I was his "misery stabilizer" as someone on here mentioned, xMM and his wife had tremendous marital problems and had considered a divorce and even separated for a while before the A.( I know this because I personally know his W and had known them for 3 years prior to the A.{I know this makes me even worse of a person}).

 

And yes,things were becoming more stable at home as the A progressed of course I did not see it at the time but now that I look back at it I realize that when we first started seeing each other he would always talk about his plan for filing for a divorce but then slowly but surely that whole "divorce rush" faded away and he started coming up with excuses and asking for more time.

[jlola]

.

 

 

Take care of yourself. Get into your own individual therapy to get to the roots of your vulnerable attraction to the "false" intimacy of a love triangle. Consider your reasons for being attracted to a man who is unavailable to you and who you have to "win" to have in your life. Accept your responsibility in creating this conundrum. Take action to correct your own involvement in hurting others as well as yourself.

 

Your lover needs to concentrate on the marriage he is in, before he could possibly be available to create another. Seek to understand your needs and consider letting go of this doomed situation. Give yourself a chance to try a more direct approach to get the love you want. It is hard to ever truly enjoy a relationship that requires that your gain result in someone else's loss. The children, the wife, your lover and you all deserve better!

[FightClub]

I agree with everyone that posted above and I wanted to add something, now looking in hindsight;

 

Over a year ago when I was there, deep in the emotions, the projections of what I thought could happen, the vulnerability that I hadn't realized within myself and what I assumed was the best I could do in a situation that was for all intents hopeless ( i.e. being together full-time with exMW ) and I thought if she potentially left the situation I was somehow saving her from that and opened to the possibility of a better life away from it.

 

The above fantasy holds no ground today, our situation was not unique, perhaps our friendship was unique but when it became sexual it was no longer just a 'friendship'. ex-MW was very selfish, didn't enjoy her husband and separated from him for a time and then went right back. I shouldn't have allowed myself to accept the crumbs, the high's and low's and today I know better.

 

It's the one thing I would tell anyone, OW/OM or those that are in an affair and not sure where they stand in that situation; It feels great, you feel alive for a short time but it's not real in sense that it will not come to fruition the way you want it to, no matter how hard you try.

 

Walk away, don't accept less than what you know are worth and go get it, get the life you want without having to 'fight' for someone who is married and not looking to replace their spouse, only supplement with someone else because the WS is missing something within themselves.

 

-FC

Edited February 24, 2012 by FightClub

[Radagast]

During some exchanges with a friend here on LS, I was reminded one of the biggest lessons that I learned from the A.

 

For a long time I refused to acknowledge it as it seems contradicting the very fact of how an affair can be destructive to the marriage. Then what she said struck me like a dazzling light.

 

Being in an affair or prolonging it with a MM or MW helps them to stay married !

 

The very fact that they find an emotional outlet to escape boredom makes their marriage more tolerable. Most of the situations when the MM/MW is involved in an A is when the M is going downhill. A lot of OW/OM think that the the A will be the catalyst to make them divorce. In reality it produces the opposite effects.

 

Indeed. Having someone who loved me, knew me, cared about my day made it easier to get through the day without that ache inside me.

 

But without the affair I would not really have known what I was missing. The affair made it easier to stay in the short term. But in the longer term it just showed up the contrast between a loving relationship and an empty one.