Help with wife's insecurities

[loveMyWife]

Hello,

I am having a problem that I don't know how to handle and it is tearing me apart.

My wife was raised with a father that belittled her and often told her how ugly she was. Yes, he would tell her she was ugly. Well, she grew up into a beautiful woman but has insecurities about her looks still to this day. This is all information she shared with me early in the relationship.

This is her 2nd marriage, the first ending because she cheated.

 

We have been married 15 years now, and have 5 children. It has always been an ongoing problem that when men give her attention, she just turns into a pile of jelly and pours herself all over them (not physically, but visually and verbally)and they get the wrong idea. At first she denied it and said there must be wrong with men for misunderstanding her attention or communication style. Then later she realized that she was doing it and backed off a bit.

 

Now, she just turned 40 and has been not avoiding those situations as she has done for years. I finally got sick of the knot in my stomach wondering while I am at work if she is safe or not.

 

I worry about her safety for several reasons. First, there have been instances in the past where I had to intervene from men who got the wrong idea, and second, shortly before I met her she was raped because of the same reason. Not brutally raped, but a person she knew well forced her into having sex using her need for attention as a tool. Last, there absolutely is a bit of jealousy here. Not a lot, but it is there. Mostly because our sex life is almost nonexistent, and I can't understand why she would look elsewhere for attention when I do give it to her.

 

She first accused me of being jealous and now in the last few days revealed that she is feeling ugly and looks for the attention and approval of other men to boost her ego. I tell her often how beautiful she is and that I love her dearly. She admits I do this, but says sometimes when I tell her she is beautiful, she doesn't think she is. First thing in the morning, not ready etc... The reality is that I truly think she is beautiful at all times. I don't know what to do, but I know it is tearing me apart, and am having a hard time focusing on work or anything else.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

[choke]

I hear what you are going through. My wife suffered through something similar at the hands of her parents that caused low self esteem. Similar situation regarding males. It’s a journey to undo all that damage, but it can be done.

 

The first thing you need to do is make sure you are truly complimenting her. What I mean is, you may ‘say’ one thing, but your actions tell her something different. That could be a million possible things, but be on the lookout. You could be doing that without realizing it.

 

Second thing. How does she look physically? Does she exercise? I got my wife involved in Muay Thai kickboxing and she loves it. It has done wonders for her self esteem. The harder she trains, the better she looks. Everyone has noticed and she’s starting to notice all the heads that turn when she walks by. A good exercise program also gives you more energy and just makes you feel better all around.

 

Another thing I did once is this: I asked her to come into the bedroom because I wanted to show her something. When she did, I put her in front of the mirror and started to describe her as she looked to me. As I did, she was looking in the mirror and was able to see (I think for the first time) how beautiful she really was.

 

What makes her feel pretty? Find out and exploit that. Be adament, but be honest. Never pay a dishonest compliment, it WILL backfire on you. Along those lines, make sure you are complimenting her as a person which means being multi dimensional. Is she a good cook? Let her know. Do you appreciate the house bing cleaned and the children cared for? Tell her. Make her feel good about herself as a person in general, not just physically.

 

And you need to let her know that she cannot go fishing for compliments from other guys. If she keeps that up, she will end up screwing one of them one of these days. She probably doesn’t know how to accept a compliment, tell her. But make it absolutely clear that you cannot tolerate her looking for that. It’s demeaning to you and it probably belittles you as much as her Father belittled her.

 

Good luck man! Be consistent and let her know exactly how important and wonderful she is.

[The Analyzer]

Hi, I'm sorry you're both going through all this. I hate that she feels the way she does because of what was told to her as a child. It was probably done to her father as well. Doesn't make it right though for people to say things like that though.

 

Usually people that have low self esteem reguardless of where it comes from, no matter what you say or anybody else, she has to believe shes beautiful her self. By all means continue to tell her how you feel and that shes worthy and beautiful, etc. I'm just saying you can stand there all day at tell her how you see her, but until she believs it herslef, its not gonna matter what anyone else says.

 

Have you all or she ever gone to counseling? If not, I would suggest maybe her going and talking out, working through the things that has happened to her as a child all the way up to the point she is now in her life. Maybe a counselor can give her some advice as well as you, about how to deal with it when it gets like that, or she begins to feel not so pretty. Sounds like you're a very loving and supportive husband. I'm sure she relizes that as well. I know she's gone out here and done somethings maybe she shouldn't have, but thats another reason for her to be in counseling. Maybe she can work through why she feels she needs the approvel or attention from other men other than just you. Keep being there for her. Best of luck.