Am I doing the right thing?

[wild_rose]

I know this is long, but please, bear with me! I've been miserable for more than half a year now…

 

I had (have, perhaps) been in love with my ex-flatmate for a year now. I asked him twice if he wanted something more, because he kept saying and doing weird stuff everyday to the point that I was just too nervous and I couldn't take it anymore (i.e. how cute I was, how nice it was being with me, getting a little jealous of guys in my life, holding hands, staring at my lips, making me sit on his lap and other stuff, even more so after he KNEW I liked him. He asked me once if he could bite my neck while we were laying on his bed. Seriously?). He said no.

 

So we've never been together, because he's never wanted to, though he's always sent me mixed signals and he never dated or liked anyone else in the meantime. I'd considered many times going NC, but last year it was never an option since we lived together and we just "clicked" too well to avoid each other. We always hung out together, sometimes from morning till 2 or 4 A.M, and most of the happy memories I've got with the city I'm currently living in are linked to him. Even the house I live in, which I cannot leave until next summer…*It's so hard, because memories keep popping up after months.

 

In October he was forced to move city because of university. "Forced" because it was the only thing he could do at the time, even though it was kind of his fault because he had spent all the summer break being too confused and anxious about what to do. He was very hesitant to go until we talked. It was not pretty, as he told me he didn't want to leave, that he never thought it would be so hard to choose between the rational thing to do and his "heart" or something. Hell, he said he felt as if his life was over, and he's freaking 20! (I'm almost 22 by the way.) We slept together (as in "sleeping + cuddling", not "sleeping + sex"), and it was hard, but I told him to leave because I knew it would have killed him staying without nothing to do.

 

I wrote him a message on facebook (lame, I know… but hey, he was away) telling him everything I felt for him, this time truly and wholly. Some days later, drama ensued, because there were issues with the other flatmates and everything got confused and nervous. We had a fight about something else, but he said he was happy and flattered of what I wrote. I took that as a "Yes, let's give it a go" and then it turned out he didn't mean anything more than he was happy and flattered. Really, couldn't he be a little more careful with his choice of words?

 

We talked, and he told me he loved me but not in that way, and he didn't want anything more than we already had. He admitted our relationship was special, that our chemistry was undeniable, that I was important to him and it would have hurt him to let me go, but that was "it". So I decided not to let him go more than I had to, because it already hurt so much and I thought I could quit anytime since he was away and I didn't have to see him. We slept together again, because it was still a bit of a goodbye, and he kept saying how close this new city was, how he would have visited…

 

Anyway, for many reasons, I was stuck in that house, and a nasty fight with another flatmate happened. Very nasty, I still feel so uncomfortable around him. I was already a wreck, and the fact that I couldn't feel at home anymore just made everything even worse. I tried to stay there the least I could, and I…*went to visit my friend to his new place twice, because he said he would come in December, and because I hated being in that house.

 

In December, he cancelled. And after everything he told me, and after two months of being miserable…*I mean, I couldn't be the only reason why he didn't want to leave, because then why not try to be with me? But then again, I was the only person he actually kept in touch or saw at all… If it was so easy for him to move on, why the hell did he have to drag his staying so much? He was trembling the night we talked. Real. Trembling. What?

 

I kind of lost it. I wrote him a very long message, telling him I couldn't trust him if he kept breaking his promises (in September, after disappearing for two months, he told me the only thing he knew was that he would stay there…*yeah sure) like that. Also, I asked him to stop doing all the "too much friendly" things he did with me –*because even after ALL the things I told him, when we met again he stroke my hair without any reason at all, told me again how fun I am (and it was so unnecessary…*I mean, he was laughing so hard he cried, I could see that he was having fun, why stress it? What the hell is his problem, what's wrong with me?) etc. I know these are tiny things, but I wouldn't do them to someone I know likes me.

 

His reply: he was sad to know I was disappointed, it was just that there had been a problem with booking and he didn't think it was so important for him to be there; he would try to be better in the future. But he said he couldn't stop acting like he did (the stroking and hugging etc.), because true friendship can't be fake or something. He admitted that he doesn't act like he acts with me systematically with all his friends, but that whatever we are, he doesn't want anything more. We argued a little bit, and in the end I gave up (and I honestly do; I don't think I care anymore about these things, even if I still don't get why he insists) and everything was apparently okay.

 

But during the next month, I wrote him another message, telling him I didn't want to see him anymore and wanted him to stop contacting me, ever. He said that if it was what I wanted he would accept it, but he was really sad he failed me so much, that he's just like that but he's so sorry he can't make me feel how much he cares. We had yet another huge fight (though this time it was mostly me venting and him saying he was sorry), and in the end… I felt a lot better. And, like. Everything that happened, it didn't mean as much as before. He had been a jerk and an idiot, but whatever. You know? So we did make up, and he even came to visit me some days later…

 

This was a month ago. We've been talking almost daily since then (we still watch TV series together…), like we did before I got mad in December. I'm not sure how I feel. Surely not depressed or sad or angry like two months ago. I'm even mostly okay with not seeing or hearing from him so much, and I think that if I did find someone else I liked (… which happens very rarely, unfortunately…) I would be much better…*Which is a huge step forward since last year when I turned down two great guys because I was too much into this other one. But…

 

I feel just… empty? Like I don't really feel anything anymore. And I can't say I'm truly over with this one boy, which is definitively the first one I've actually been in love with. I still think about him all the time, I look forward to the next time I can hug him and stroke his hair…*But I'm starting to realize he'd never come back to live in my city, and we have two separate lives now. And I have to be okay with that. I still don't know how I would feel if he got someone, and I'm still a bit afraid of his possible reaction if I got myself a boyfriend, because he's so…*inconstant. I feel like he still doesn't know what the hell he truly wants from his life, and I'm so scared he might change his mind just in time to mess my life when I'll truly start to get it back on track. At the same time, there's a part of me that thinks this is just me trying to hold onto the thinnest grains of hope that he might love me one day and that in reality it will never happen, so…

 

I don't know. I don't want to lose him, not just because I like him, but because he's one of my best friends. Someone I can really talk to, and even after all we went through, I still feel so comfortable and happy around him. I can be myself when I'm around him, I like myself when I'm with him, and I can see he enjoys being with me.

 

Is it okay to keep seeing and hearing from him like this, loosely but constantly? Or am I fooling myself and I'll only get more hurt in the end?

[Exit]

You both have things that you need to stop doing.

 

You need to stop thinking there is a chance with him. On more than one occasion you have asked him if there is a possibility for more and he has flat out said no. You shouldn't be wondering if he is confused, he has never stated any confusion about it, he always says no. You also labelled him as being inconsistent, but again, he seems pretty consistent to me: He says no repeatedly. You want to believe his behavior means he is inconsistent, but that's all in your head. The things he does with you, he just sees as friendly. So still, from his perspective, it's consistent. You think him touching your hair and doing other things is meing inconsistent and sending mixed messages, it's not. He's sending the same message over and over again, consistently. You're wishing it meant more.

 

He needs to stop being overly physical with you, there wouldn't necessarily be anything wrong with it if you were both on the same page, but with you wanting more than friendship with him, you need to draw some boundaries, no touching each others hair, no sleeping in the same bed, none of that stuff, because you can't help yourself from wishing it meant more. You live apart now anyway so it shouldn't be too much of an issue, but for him to say "sorry I can't stop, can't change how I feel in this friendship" is BS. Guys don't walk around petting their female friends all the time. He needs to stop if he just wants to be friends.

 

Anyways, you would probably get over it the fastest if you guys didn't talk at all, but I doubt you'll want to do that. I would say a casual friendship where you keep in touch online or something is alright, but don't be talking every day or anything like that. This is different than the advice I would give to someone who actually misses an ex lover. You guys were never together in that way, so hopefully there isn't quite as big of a gap in your heart without this person. People who are missing a relationship need to go no contact. You just happen to be in a friendship with someone who has allowed the boundaries of the friendship to remain vague and it has messed with your head a couple times. Don't allow flirting or anything else to enter into your friendship.

 

Not trying to be insulting but are you sure the guy is straight? Not too many guys I know would wanna touch all over a girl and sleep in a bed with her and not make a move. Plus I think you said he hasn't really been with anyone else during the time that you've known him. This is kind of unrelated to everything anyway, he doesn't want more with you and that's all that matters, but it just seems like you're barking up the wrong tree in more ways than one...

Edited February 12, 2012 by Exit

[wild_rose]

I meant inconsistent with his life. His leaving was a very big mess (and I don't mean with me) simply because he couldn't decide what best suited him - and not in a normal soul-searching way, he was paralyzed. Instead of making a decision and assuming responsibility, he let time pass and **** happened. And this happens again and again with pretty much everything, big and small things. He makes up his mind, the next day he changes it and doesn't even remember changing it. He's one of those people who likes everything and nothing to a terrible extent. That's the only reason why I'm a little scared I may be one of the things he changes his mind on and screws up one day, but you're right, it's probably me holding onto very unrealistic hope. Though I'm glad I'm not crazy to think his behavior was not completely fair, since he knew what was on.

 

On the gay part…*Well, no, this is actually interesting, because it's not the first time I've been asked and some people we both know also seem to think so. He's got some traits of the common stereotype, too. If he is, he never told me, when he knows I would have no problems with that. In fact, this would have made things between us so much simpler! He said he likes girls, but he never spoke of any girl in particular, and only had one girlfriend for a short period, and because she asked him out for months. Uhm, yeah, I know how that sounds…

 

But to be fair, he's very used to be around girls because boys disliked him in his hometown, or at least that's what he told me. I actually joked about it sometimes to test his reactions, but he didn't get offended or defensive or anything - as in, he always seemed pretty secure of his own sexuality, whatever it may be, and he says he's straight. It feels more like no one meets his impossible standards. Also, despite him initiating physical contact, sometimes he definitively gets nervous… He doesn't seem/feel/act as indifferent (and I don't necessarily mean to "me") as I would expect if he were gay, but hey, I have no idea.

 

As you said it doesn't really matter, and anyway I don't think I can ask him directly anytime soon because I certainly don't want to come off as a "if you don't want me then you must be gay" kind of person. Though it would make me feel slightly better, to be honest. :S

 

I…*think I'll only answer to his messages then, which I'm already doing. It's a little sad because I know he's not someone who tries to keep in touch actively (he had a bunch of friends but doesn't really try to see or hear from them. Then he complains he doesn't see or hear from them. Whatever.), but for now it's definitively for the best. I'm not even sure about how I feel anymore, so maybe it's best to sort things out with myself.

 

Thank you

[CopingGal]

I hate to sound so negative, but it sounds like he's playing games. I never knew of a man that stroked his friend's hair unless she was upset, or unless she was his girlfriend. It's possible that he is not playing games, and that he is just being physical because he really does feel very close to you. However, it's selfish 'cause you have feelings for him. How can you have a good relationship with another man when you have all of these feelings for him? This is not good for you. He doesn't need to touch you at all. If he can't stop himself, it's time to leave. Actually, it sounds like it's time to leave no matter what.

 

I think you should explain that you have to go NC. Maybe after several months, you have enough distance in which you can be friends with him. I dunno though, I don't trust him.

[wild_rose]

He is self-centered and immature in many ways, he even admitted it himself. He also told me he likes to be liked and to fascinate people, but not because he wants to do anything with it. Just to know he's liked so much. But it's not like he doesn't feel for people either, just… it's hard to explain, I'm not even sure I get it myself :/

 

He's a bit of a narcissist and not very emphatic, I guess, but I think it's because he's still got a lot of growing up to do. He's not the kind of person that uses people. Every time he knew I was upset because of something he did, I could tell he was sorry. I don't think he's playing games, at least not consciously. Though I am worried that he enjoys a little too much the possibility that I could do pretty much anything he asked me.

 

About the touching, it's just weird. I'm not uncomfortable or upset about it anymore, but I still don't get it. I didn't expect him to say he couldn't and didn't intend to stop, because we had talked about it 6 months before and he had seemed okay with it. He even said he had been controlling himself with me. It doesn't make sense, friends can be friends without touching all the time and he's not even a touchy-feely person – quite the contrary, actually!

 

My main problem with a complete NC is that it might be overreacting now. One year ago I would have totally done it for embarrassment, but it wasn't really an option since we lived together. I haven't asked him, but now we'll probably never live in the same city again, I don't even know when and if we're going to see each other next month – and if we are, it will be for a couple of days. He hurt me so much that I'm not even sure what my feelings are. I'm afraid I'd waste a great friend (because he is, most of the time) for something that is already fading. I'm not happy, but I'm not even devastated as I was until just one month ago. Though I may be just telling myself I'm okay with everything not to let him go…

[CopingGal]

If you don't want to go NC, then maybe just don't contact him and let him contact you. See if you can be friends with him that way, for a while. But don't let yourself get caught up in his physical behaviors and see them as more than they are. He does sound narcissitic. He doesn't seem to care about giving your mixed messages. First he seems to, when you complain, but then he goes back to doing them.