After 3.5yrs we discussed marriage. The same wk I met his wife I never knew he had!

[KathyM]

Yes I did Kathy, but I lost what I thought was my bestfriend. I loved that man for many years. He was always who he shows me now. I just ignored it. No other song fits better than Shaggy's, "It wasn't me". Kathy I got away luckily. I am blessed. Yet, it does not change the fact that I truly cared so much about that man. His happiness was important to me. His life was important to me. I regret that there was no truth in him. Had there been truth I would have held his hand and I would have listened years ago. Then we would have been great friends despite it all. Honesty is so important. Without that there is no way anything can be right.

 

Thanks Kathy for responding. Be at peace and have a wonderful day.

Thank you. You have a wonderful day too.

[love liberty]

Oh dear...

 

I am really sorry you've had to go through this, but as has been said before, I think you've dodged a bullet.

 

In my view, he could be a PSYCHOPATH. And by this I don't mean he's a new serial killing Hannibal Lecter, because psychopaths are often depicted wrongly in this way.

 

Most psychopaths actually never commit a crime, they just live a life devoid of real love and empathy, conning people with their superficial charm, living an opportunistic parasitic life, and never understanding what effect their actions have on other people. They can hardly empathize. They've created a mask, a fake image which they present to the outside world to hide their inner emotional void and this way they get by.

 

They don't realize they are like this, it's a bit like a colour blind person who will never know what certain colours look like; a psychopath will never understand what real emotions like love, empathy, etc. are like. Everything is related to them and how it affects them.

 

I've been married to a psychopath and am currently divorcing him (terrible experience which has been going on for years now filled with manipulation and emotional abuse!). My marriage counsellor and another therapist have told me he is a psychopath, and it took me so long to fully accept this view since he was so sweet, understanding, loving etc. at first. I really thought I had met my soul mate.

 

If you can, go and talk to a good therapist who knows something about personality disorders who can help you through this, because you will never get any satisfactory answer from him. He lives in a different reality than your reality. Run from him!

 

But of course you need to mourn too so that you can love again later. You have real emotions, and you should make sure that you honour these. Don't let people like him turn you into a bitter, unloving person.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds very painful.

 

I looked at some of your past posts, and it struck me that this is the second time in a row that something like this has happened to you. Have I understood correctly?

 

If that is the case, I hope that you will take time to heal now, and then do some work to find out what it is that brings you into situations with men who are hiding huge parts of their lives from you. It really seems like a pattern. One that will mess you up.

 

Take care.

[padparadscha]

I

I looked at some of your past posts, and it struck me that this is the second time in a row that something like this has happened to you. Have I understood correctly?

 

The situation was different because the man was not married and I was not in love with him. They are the same in the fact that he deceived me and both men were black. One American one African. Before I met this guy I am posting about from Africa, I was dating a man who I was not in love with. He was the first black man I ever dated. However, I saw no future with him because he had kids by several different women. I believe three or four different women. I was dating him but the situation was different because I did not see a future with him. I found out that although he hung out with me every day, in the evening when I am sleeping to get ready for work, he was living with another woman who he saw late nights. He had arranged it so he could be date someone that worked all day (her) and someone who was off during mid-day (me). He and his mother were covering up this and telling me that he lived on her couch. His mother was in on the lie and yes, she was "very religious." One late evening he was arrested for reckless driving and she called me. Both the woman and I went to his apartment. The mother shooed her out really fast and invited me in to explain what happend. When I learned he was living with another woman and dating her, me and yet another he begged me to understand he needed several women in his life. It was a betrayal and an insult so I cut the relationship abruptly. I not only did NC, I never spoke to him again. The betrayal hurt, but because I was not in love with him I got through it. Seven or eight months later I dated the African man.

 

So yes, the stories are both about cheating and lying, but one is about a man I loved and who claimed he loved me. The only man I ever loved who turned out to be married. The other situation is about a man who I did not love and never saw a future with. Yes, two men in a row who cheated and the only lesson I am getting from this is I do no belong with black men. I will not date a black man again. When I was younger working at a sleep away camp, an African male counselor raped me. A man I did not know who was jealous I was dating a wealthy welsh man. He felt black women should not date outside their race and he had some guys hold me down as he beat me and eventually raped me. I did not know this man, only his first name. Years later the lesson I am learning is that I am not interested in ever dating a black man again no matter how nice they appear.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I see there are major differences - but the similarity is that you did get deeply involved with men who deceived you on very major levels - basically, with men who were living a double life.

 

I don't think it's because they are black - I know there are very wonderful black men, but after these two experiences plus your rape, I can understand how you could never be drawn to another black man again.

 

I am not AT ALL saying that what's happened to you is "your fault." Still, I can't help but see a pattern with the double life guys. It's beyond regular cheating. I hope you have learned to recognize some signs so you will avoid getting into anything like that ever again - because there are people of all races and nationalities who are wretched. Just avoiding black men probably won't save you from them if there is some reason you are drawn to them.

[padparadscha]

Oh dear...

 

They can hardly empathize. They've created a mask, a fake image which they present to the outside world to hide their inner emotional void and this way they get by.

 

Don't let people like him turn you into a bitter, unloving person.

 

He was an extremist as KathyM pointed out. I saw that in him and thought I could change him. He even admitted to me that most people feel his religion is an occult. He told me once we have different Gods. He said I do not pray to your God, because my God demands I worship him every Saturday. The whole world must do this or they will not save their souls. Sunday worshippers are not worshipping the true God. They are false he would tell me and can not go to heaven because they are not acknowledging Gods true wishes.

 

I heard all of this and like an idiot thought that I could get him to be less abrupt. I tried to point out that the entire world has different beliefs and most asian people are Bhuddist or Hindu and you cant tell me all those in the continent of Asia are going to hell? I told him many people are muslim, they cant all go to hell to. I tried to show him that his belief is saying God only acknowledges one type of worshipper and not the others. My reasoning worked with him for 2.5 years. then he told me he can no longer worship two Gods. My wishes and his God's wishes.He had to go to church on Fridays, Sat and Wednesdays and can only see me on Sundays. Thats when I found her in his bed less than a week later. It was clear at that point religion was a cover and not a reality for him. It was a means to mask his true identity. The man was not pyschotic. He was a liar.

[padparadscha]

Mme. Chaucer it just seems to me that I have dated several men in my life. Wonderful men. Men who asked me to marry them and bought me beautiful rings. Men who treated me so amazing. Yet I was young and of course being the sagittarius, was unable to take it to the level of marriage. So I let go of these men. I had healthy and truly spectacular relationships. They did not end on a bad note. We just drifted apart because I was unable to take it to the level of marriage. I am still friends with two of my ex boyfriends.

 

It seems like the moment I dated the last two men I was introduced to CHEATING, LYING, OTHER WOMEN, and FILTHY NEEDS AND WANTS. Things I read about or heard about but never experienced until I met them. You tell me that the way they cheated is not normal, "beyond regular cheating." I did not know that. I dont know what regular cheating is because until them I never experienced cheating. I dated a man who lived in Wales for 7 years. We dated internationally. I dated a man in Greece for a while. Those men would move heaven and earth for me and we lived internationally apart, yet they never exposed me to such filth. those men would bend over backwards to see me smile. I just could not marry them. I was young and not ready. So I dont know what is regular cheating because as I said my parents who I am close to are in a healthy committed marriage. How I met these last two men who do such filth, I am not sure. However, the pattern I see is that black men do not treat black women properly. I am not fully black. I am of several ethnicities. However, I refer to myself as a black woman although I am of mixed races. My friends are going through their men cheating. I see a pattern even in their relationships patterns of abuse and cheating. It is so sad. I dislike what I see. EVen in some marriages I am surrounded by I see where the black man is cheating on his wife. I am seeing a horrible pattern. I may be wrong, but I dont think there are too many black men who truly step up to the plate and support and love their black women.

[love liberty]

Psychotic is not the same as psychopathic. I know the names are confusing, but there's a huge difference between the two. Just google some info and you'll understand the difference. Psychopaths are liars.

[padparadscha]

Oh my. I did read up on it. Wow. I guess I never understood the words. One article says: Most psychopaths are very arrogant and cocky. However, when charming a potential victim, they say all the "right" things and make you believe they are kind-hearted souls; not always, but often enough. The truth is, psychopaths are not altruistic and do not really care about friendships or ties.........

 

"Lying, deceiving, and manipulation are natural talents for psychopaths...When caught in a lie or challenged with the truth, they are seldom perplexed or embarrassed -- they simply change their stories or attempt to rework the facts so that they appear to be consistent with the lie. The results are a series of contradictory statements and a thoroughly confused listener." [Hare].

 

That was him. He would always simply change his story. He never was perplexed or embarressed by a lie being exposed. He was very strong and nothing threw him for a loop. I never understood how cool he was when I saw him on the internet talking to women on blackpeople.com. He simply with no worries said, " I am an Adventist, I would not be looking for a non-Adventist on a dating site. I just needed to talk so I went here to talk. Why would I cheat on you that makes no sense." He was so calm. He had a pictures all over his apartment of himself. He was not a handsome man. He was badly scarred on his legs and arms from events in Africa. Yet his cell phone had countless pictures of himself. I told him that he needed to put pictures up of family but he put pictures up of us instead. He loved solo pictures and had a collage of self portraits. He was so invested in himself. Wow. I never knew the meaning of those words.

[NoIDidn't]

Whoa! Padparadscha! Don't blame letting go of a good man on being a Sagittarius! LOL. That is something unique to the person doing the letting go.

 

On a serious note, I did get your PM. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring it.

 

I will say that I still think you dodged a bullet and instead of dissecting him for too long, make sure that you don't make the same mistake again.

 

Best wishes.

[padparadscha]

Hahahaha:D well, I was young and I was not into the whole ball and chain thing. I am now and there are no more prospects. No men fighting over me as they did when I was a size 7. Size 16 is just not as cute on me so I gotta lose it again....I did long ago upset a few great men who did nothing more than ask me to marry them and eventually got tired of hearing, "I can't." Sometimes I think back and wonder...but what is done is done:laugh:

 

Yes, after all the members post on here I now see I dodged a very bad bullet. I was blinded. I will say over and over this was the best link (Madea Gives Relationship Advice – Break Your Shackles - BreakYourShackles) in helping me understand my mistakes.

 

Thank you all. I now can handle this pain. I now no longer need answers from him. I think from all the members post I have figured out that he could not help himself. He has to lie and has to cheat and that is his nature. My job ws to not be so gullable and to read the red flags, not fall in love with him despite red flags. No woman will be exempt from this exhausting task, who he dates. Each woman will be required to read the flags and past his lies and past his innoscent smile. He loves himself too greatly and she will have to accept, not try and change the fact that he will never love her because he has fallen in love with himself. He says, "I love you and nobody ever has loved me the way you do and nobody is better for me than you." What he means is, "Your a nice girl, but I can not be your partner or team player because you dont hold a candle to me." This is not going to be a pattern he can easily break unless he gets help. The mirror is his bestfriend. He needs help. Yet he is not going to get it because he thinks church will help him. That wont do it, he needs to acknowledge his behavior and seek help to correct it. Until then the next woman will be a victim of the same lies I was. The wife does not care, its part of her destiny to follow him and hide in Africa while he spins his web of lies. There will be more women and more victims. I am out of that cycle because I have changed my phone number and moved on. Not emotionally but, physically. Once he got back the keys I removed myself from his web of lies. His web and the wifes web.

 

My only problem now is learning how to be alone. Learning how to not date. I am not ready to date. I am not ready for the rollercoaster of lies. But I am ready to get married soon. I finally am ready to stifle the Sadge in me:bunny::laugh::bunny:!

[padparadscha]

I was just moving on. I had not contacted him. I had not drove by his house. I moved on with a phone buddy. A man I met overseas a while back. I moved on. The man distracted me and kept me from crying. Now suddenly here comes my ex with an email:

 

It hurts to the core of my bones for this detachment from being broken apart. You don't need to apologize to me because you did nothing wrong to me but it was I that broke our spirits. I was caught up between you and my belief. I am destroyed because I don't have you and I am paying for this every day because I see the pains, and rejection I have caused you. Most of all you changed your number and Im not able to communicate anymore with you. I wanted to protect, love and care for you all of my life.At the same time to freely worship together with you with harmony but this one thing was a struggle between us. I am not at peace because I don't have you

 

This letter makes no sense to me. He does not mention his cheating. His wife. The times he was on the internet search engine. Goodness have I made a mistake? Was he telling the truth when he said he was only talking to women because he was alone? But the wife? Nothing makes sense. This letter is leaving too much out. He has not even said he loves me. No, this letter is garbage isn't it? If cared about me he would not have allowed me to suffer. He ignored my emails. He ignored Valentines Day. He refused to pick up the phone when I called. Oh Gosh, why did he destroy us? I loved him. Im moving on. Why contact me now after not wanting to contact me before? I begged him not to hurt me. Begged him to think about things. Then I met his wife. Why does the letter not mention that? Oh gosh I am moving on. I was becoming happy. But i was going to marry him. What the ****?

[padparadscha]

The wife is a sore spot that I cant even begin to wrap my head around. I wont respond to him. I have been so happy lately. I had a man overseas doing all he could to pull me out of my depression. Going above and beyond to heal my heart. I refuse to look back. I made too much progress. I just can not understand how he could possibly done all he did to decieve and hurt me. No, hockyfan, I might have been able to at least be friends but he crossed the line when he became cruel and ignored my pain. Im sorry but when you care for someone and they have done nothing but help you and lift you up, your not allowed to be cruel. He did not have to treat me like trash. I never hurt him or let him down in any way. I was always there by his side. He did not have to hurt me so badly. He treated me like I was a worthless ungodly woman that needed to be burnt or hung for being unreligious. He treated me like he never knew me. I will never forgive or forget or understand such treatment when I never gave him cause to be so cruel.