Stranded in Afghanistan

[Veni]

I've never posted in a forum like this and frankly feel a bit weird about it. However, I'm at my wit's end and really have no one to talk to about this, so I'm hoping to receive some insight/advice into my situation. This is a bit long-winded, but you truly have my gratitude in advance.

 

I've been in a great relationship over the last year and a half. About half of this time I've been deployed with the military: to Iraq last year and currently to Afghanistan since September. The 'long distance' thing was an obstacle, but not insurmountable. Our relationship had been close: communication was fine when I was in Iraq, and before I left we were having serious conversations about marriage, future plans and the like. I always felt close with her, and always felt we both knew where the other was (mentally, about the relationship, etc.).

 

About a month ago, however, on a dime she completely shut off to me. In what little (email) communication we've had since she has been short, clipped, abrupt and abrasive. After two weeks of this I asked her what the heck was going on. She responded quite angrily, and with much vitriol told me I was being pushy and pushing her away. She didn't correspond with me for a week after that. I was/am flabbergasted: completely out of left field. We've started communicating again over this last week, but it's all been short, impersonal and down-right meaningless.

 

I really don't have a clue what's going on or what happened, and this has been tearing me up. I've let it affect my work, which is a big deal to me. At heart I'm something of a loner: I'm very sociable, but have very few people in my life that I'm close with. I say this because my knee-jerk response is to say f* it and just cut the relationship off: it's so much easier for me to be alone than to deal with human vicissitude. My life is incredibly chaotic, which I like, but I need to 'keep it simple' and minimize those things and people which can affect me deeply. The problem here is that I'm simply crazy about this woman. I've put a lot of work/energy into this relationship, and very much want (not 'need') her in my life. I carry her with me everywhere: feeling connected with her & looking forward to a future with her helps keep me going in this awful place. Now that's been pulled out from under my feet.

 

I'm really not into discussing feelings or relationships (neither is she, probably moreso than me), but I am really into emotional honesty, clarity and communication. I'm a big boy: whatever the reason is for her shut-off, I know I can roll with it as the mature, independent adult man I am. It's the lack of clarity and communication which is killing me, though. Is it really unfair of me to expect this from a relationship, especially when I'm 13,000 miles away with minimal ability to communicate as it is? I've tried to convey to her just how critical this communication is to me, but she reacts defensively and communicates even less. Again, it's never been an issue until now.

 

I should mention two things: 1) her shut-off coincided with the start of her Spring semester (I have no doubt she's overwhelmed), and 2) she's been struggling with severe depression (which she hasn't been able/willing to seek help with). I know these are important factors, but I also know they haven't directly impacted our relationship before. I also realize that keeping a solid connection with her is necessary for me to continue the relationship.

 

So what should I do? Do I ride this out & "see what happens" (at risk to my present well-being and career)? At what point should I pull the plug on this? Is there some way I can convey this to her (I've tried several ways, unsuccessfully)??

 

Thanks again.

[pettie]

You say you two have been very close and the relationship was good overall. I would believe she is dealing with stress, is overly busy because of classes, and perhaps involving the depressive state you mentioned.

 

Have you tried to be straighforward with it and address directly this problem? Sometimes, over LDR, we tend to believe that the other person realises what is going on with our feelings, but most of the time they have no idea the other is struggling with something.

 

If you have done so without results, maybe you could try contacting any member of her family you feel more comfortable with (if you know them, and in a casual way), as maybe something major is going on and she is just unable to communicate this, or just to get a bigger picture. I am really not sure if this is the best thing to do in this case, but I can't see any other way out.

 

Or just keep waiting...

 

All the best.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

She responded quite angrily, and with much vitriol told me I was being pushy and pushing her away

As someone who's seen a bit of life, this sounds like projection to me. For some reason she is pushing you away and is projecting the behaviors onto you, the guy in the war zone a half a world away.

 

Think about this. You're in harm's way and this lady is beating up on you long-distance. Does that sound like the way a loving and supportive partner should behave?

 

As a disclaimer, my father's first wife took his kids and left him while he was serving in Italy for the Allies in WW2 so perhaps I take a dim view of such manifestations of home, hearth, love and support. YMMV.

 

My advice would be to let it be. Focus on your job and staying alive. What happens with her happens. You may get the 'dear John' letter like my dad did (I have it). You may not. The future is unknown. Live in the now. Good luck.

[EgoJoe]

End this before it ends you.

[Forever Learning]

End this before it ends you.

 

Sounds like good advice. You are in a very stressful and dangerous situation over there, you don't need what should be your "support system" (her) to give you negative energy as well.

 

I spent 16 years in a highly stressful toxic relationship. I got cancer from it around year 8. The immune system caves when the stress burden is too great. Put yourself first, be direct in seeking answers, and move on swiftly, don't linger in a bad situation and expose yourself to further stress and anguish. God bless.

[Emilia]

OP, what was your last email about before she shut you off like this? Was there anything specific about the two of you? Do you have the last one or two emails you exchanged before her behaviour changed this much?