Questions (again) and last vent

[chelsea2011]

One last thread before I hang it up for a while. He seems to be blowing hot and cold again and I don't want to be put through that anymore. Things were going great and I, admittedly, took things one step at time because I needed to see if it was real this time and we started to slowly drift back to where we were before. The thing is, I don't know if he pulls out all the stops when he thinks I'm moving on once and for all just to keep me in his life? I mean really now...why do that if you have no intention of moving things beyond where they were? It's not fair to mess with someone's heart that way. I don't want to be in a relationship like that; one that is always becomes difficult when you are making an effort to get to know someone. It's totally frustrating.

 

If he wants to stay in the life he has then just do it and don't try to keep me around. That is purely his issue, not mine and I don't want to play that game anymore. I don't want to be pulled in, start to have feelings and then get pushed away once I do. It's the same thing over and over and it never seems to change. That's the reason I left in the first place. It had nothing to do with wanting to see what else is out there; it had to do with being frustrated that things never move beyond a certain point...every single time. It's very disconcerting and makes me question why I'm fighting to hold onto something that never changes. It's not like I can call him up and say, "Hey, let's go do something fun" or anything because he never frees himself up enough to do that with me. Everything is always confined to his schedule without any flexibility what-so-ever. I'm the one who always has to bend my schedule to fit into the constraints of his and I don't think he understands how hard that is for me. I'm tired of being understanding about this because it's always the same and he makes absolutely no effort to meet me in the middle and change it. His friends don't have those constraints with him, so why do I? Does he even realize how s****y that makes me feel? It's makes me feel unimportant to him in the grand scheme of things. I don't expect him to make his life all about me - I never would - but sheesh, at least make some kind of compromise to show me that I'm fighting for something real here. That's all I ask.

 

If he expects me to fight for "us" then he needs to talk to me about why things are the way they are and whether or not it will be different in the future. I can't continue navigating through the dark. I don't want that...da** it! I've paid my dues in this situation and I've had enough of that and I thought I made that clear when I decided to give it a go. I wasn't willing to if I was going to be met with more of the same. If he has issues, then he needs to work on them. I can't work through any of that with him under these circumstances and he knows that.

 

I also know that he may feel I hold back sometimes and h*ll yes...I do! I do because I want to make sure there is going to be a balanced effort on both our parts. I'm working on breaking down my walls and be vulnerable, but it's hard when the same thing seems to occur when we begin to get close. I want more than anything for this push/pull dynamic to go away. The only way it will is if I'm met with honesty and given the information I need to understand why the circumstances are the way they are at the moment. I can work with that. Just talk to me as one mature adult to another and don't be afraid. I think we've known each other long enough to cut that out and just be adults about this for cripes sake.

 

So that's it...that's how I'm feeling at this point. It probably appears that I'm placing the blame all on him and I'm not. That's not my intention at all. I'm just venting right now because I can feel him blowing hot and cold again and it's tiring. Love should not be this difficult.

 

Now that I've vented here is my question. Should I just go about my life and not contact him right now? Or should I try to talk to him about it? In the past, trying to confront an issue head on got me nowhere. It actually achieved the opposite. The blowing hot and cold is upsetting to be honest. Plus, to make it worse, I think he sent me a text that was meant for someone else on Friday night. It just didn't fit with our communications and made me stop and wonder. I played along like it was meant for me, but I have a strong "gut" feeling that the text was sent to me by mistake. I don't want to ignore it because my "gut" is usually right.

Edited February 12, 2012 by chelsea2011

[Zahara]

One last thread before I hang it up for a while. He seems to be blowing hot and cold again and I don't want to be put through that anymore. Things were going great and I, admittedly, took things one step at time because I needed to see if it was real this time and we started to slowly drift back to where we were before.

 

I've dated a few men that blew hot and cold. Just as soon as things started moving to a different level, the push and pull began and it was a very clear issue with commitment. If this has been a pattern, you will be put through this again.

 

The thing is, I don't know if he pulls out all the stops when he thinks I'm moving on once and for all just to keep me in his life? I mean really now...why do that if you have no intention of moving things beyond where they were?

While they do want the benefits of a relationship, they aren't able to commit further than that. So they give you just enough to keep you hanging on and just enough keep a fair distance away from you. Anything more, will instill expectations in you. And the last thing they need is to be expected of.

It's not fair to mess with someone's heart that way. I don't want to be in a relationship like that; one that is always becomes difficult when you are making an effort to get to know someone. It's totally frustrating.

 

Yes, it is not fair but this is about his needs and he will do what he needs to get what he wants. If this does not satisfy and fulfill your needs, then YOU need to seek a partner that can sustain a balanced relationship with you.

If he wants to stay in the life he has then just do it and don't try to keep me around. That is purely his issue, not mine and I don't want to play that game anymore. I don't want to be pulled in, start to have feelings and then get pushed away once I do. It's the same thing over and over and it never seems to change.

 

He doesn't keep you around. You keep you around. You keep trying to change something that cannot change. You stated that things never change. He will always pull you back because you go back.

 

That's the reason I left in the first place. It had nothing to do with wanting to see what else is out there; it had to do with being frustrated that things never move beyond a certain point...every single time. It's very disconcerting and makes me question why I'm fighting to hold onto something that never changes.

 

Things never move beyond a certain point because there is no desire for commitment. When it is in the beginning stages, there is no pressure for commitment. Next stage, committing. And if they start to blow hot and cold, it's because while they want you there and enjoy the benefits of an R, they can't follow through with anything more but just that.

It's not like I can call him up and say, "Hey, let's go do something fun" or anything because he never frees himself up enough to do that with me. Everything is always confined to his schedule without any flexibility what-so-ever.

 

It's confined to his schedule because when it is on his terms he gets to dictate the pace of the relationship. He gets to say no when he's trying to keep a distance. He gets to say let's meet when he's looking to fulfill his needs.

 

His friends don't have those constraints with him, so why do I? Does he even realize how s****y that makes me feel?

 

His friends don't have constraints with him because they are his friends. They have no emotional expectations of him. Therefore he is free to feel relaxed and enjoy them without the pressures of them desiring more that a friendship or requiring any emotional investment. You on the other hand are a different ball game. Your expectations are far different from his friends. He has to pull the stops because it is a different set of rules with you.

It's makes me feel unimportant to him in the grand scheme of things. I don't expect him to make his life all about me - I never would - but sheesh, at least make some kind of compromise to show me that I'm fighting for something real here. That's all I ask.

 

There is no compromise. He will always be this way because what's looming ahead of him is what scares him the most. So, he steps away by keeping distance and setting the pace on his terms.

If he expects me to fight for "us" then he needs to talk to me about why things are the way they are and whether or not it will be different in the future.

 

You just said it's always been the same and it never changes. Why do you believe it will change? If he is not fighting, why are you?

 

I also know that he may feel I hold back sometimes and h*ll yes...I do! I do because I want to make sure there is going to be a balanced effort on both our parts.

 

Hot and cold behavior doesn't bring out the best in someone. It only causes insecurity and uncertainty. You are normal in holding back because you don't want to be hurt. Stop blaming yourself and wondering if you're not doing enough.

I'm working on breaking down my walls and be vulnerable, but it's hard when the same thing seems to occur when we begin to get close. I want more than anything for this push/pull dynamic to go away. The only way it will is if I'm met with honesty and given the information I need to understand why the circumstances are the way they are at the moment. I can work with that. Just talk to me as one mature adult to another and don't be afraid. I think we've known each other long enough to cut that out and just be adults about this for cripes sake.

 

It will always be this way when you begin go get close. It has nothing to do with you. Stop expecting someone to act the way you would hope for them to behave. He is who he is and if he cannot step forward even after several attempts, you have to let go. It's not about them being afraid. It's about them knowing what they can and cannot do. They know their capabilities and limits.

 

So that's it...that's how I'm feeling at this point. It probably appears that I'm placing the blame all on him and I'm not. That's not my intention at all. I'm just venting right now because I can feel him blowing hot and cold again and it's tiring. Love should not be this difficult.

 

Again, you are not placing blame. I read your other posts and you seem to want to take most of the responsibility for his patterns but his patterns will be his patterns no matter what you do. Yes, love should not be so difficult. A man that loves you will show you consistently with healthy behaviors. One that consistently blows hot and cold, will most likely always continue to be they way they are.

Now that I've vented here is my question. Should I just go about my life and not contact him right now?

 

What does that do for you? He may come back and contact you and then what?

 

Or should I try to talk to him about it?

 

If he's not wanting to talk about it, or not even feeling that it is important enough to care for your feelings and trust me he knows what he is doing, why do you feel the need to continue trying to find a solution? If there was a solution, you would have already fixed it.

In the past, trying to confront an issue head on got me nowhere.

 

And it will repeat itself. Or he will agree with what you have to say, snuff out the fire for now and sooner or later, the two of you will do the same song and dance again.

The blowing hot and cold is upsetting to be honest.

 

Of course. What's great about knowing that someone isn't all that excited about wanting to be with you.

 

Plus, to make it worse, I think he sent me a text that was meant for someone else on Friday night. It just didn't fit with our communications and made me stop and wonder. I played along like it was meant for me, but I have a strong "gut" feeling that the text was sent to me by mistake. I don't want to ignore it because my "gut" is usually right.

 

When your instincts are kicking in, believe it.

Edited February 12, 2012 by Zahara

[chelsea2011]

Thank you zahara. I agree with everything you said and needed to hear it from an objective outside observer. It brought tears to my eyes reading what you wrote and I know it's because you are speaking the truth and pointing out the obvious. You're so right! I am blaming myself when it has nothing to do with me. My reservations have merit and I need to quit second guessing them. I every right to feel this way!

 

The push/pull does create insecurity and uncertainty in me and that is not who I am, so why am I accepting it? I hate that feeling like that...it's simply not me.

 

Thanks again for your insights. They are right on target and something I needed to see.

Edited February 12, 2012 by chelsea2011

[Zahara]

Thank you zahara. I agree with everything you said and needed to hear it from an objective outside observer. It brought tears to my eyes reading what you wrote and I know it's because you are speaking the truth and pointing out the obvious. You're so right! I am blaming myself when it has nothing to do with me. My reservations have merit and I need to quit second guessing them. I every right to feel this way!

 

The push/pull does create insecurity and uncertainty in me and that is not who I am, so why am I accepting it? I hate that feeling like that...it's simply not me.

 

Thanks again for your insights. They are right on target and something I needed to see.

 

You need to stop blaming yourself and almost twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to accommodate this man. I think that by talking yourself into believing that you should have done this and that, it helps you create the illusion that it is now possibly going to work. When all along, it was never about you. His patterns will remain no matter who or what you become.

 

You are accepting because you are grasping at straws wanting this to work so badly. You're bargaining. And when you bargain, you accept whatever is presented hoping he will change and he will come your way. You believe that maybe, just maybe it will be different if you just hold on and bear a little more of the push and pull. Or maybe it's just you and it's supposed to be this way and you just need to tweak you. If you talk to him just one more time, he'll realize how much it hurts you and then he'll give you what you want.

All sorts of bargaining goes on in your head when you want something really bad.

 

And you love him so you are willing to settle.

[chelsea2011]

you need to stop blaming yourself and almost twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to accommodate this man.

 

You hit the bullseye with this one! That was the old me in relationships and not anything close to who I want to be now. I know now what I need to do. He has never been able to level with me in any real way, so why should I expect it now? He does what's easiest for him under the guise of making it look like he's putting forth an effort. I'm smarter than that and that is why I'm feeling the way I am right now. I know in my gut that things are just not right. If they were, he would show it by communicating with me like an honest adult and not like he is. He's not and now I am beginning to see that he never will. It's not my issue anyway so it's time to stop giving it so much thought. Words are words and they are easy; actions are actions and not easy when you won't allow them. That's all I need to know.

[Zahara]

You hit the bullseye with this one! That was the old me in relationships and not anything close to who I want to be now. I know now what I need to do. He has never been able to level with me in any real way, so why should I expect it now? He does what's easiest for him under the guise of making it look like he's putting forth an effort. I'm smarter than that and that is why I'm feeling the way I am right now. I know in my gut that things are just not right. If they were, he would show it by communicating with me like an honest adult and not like he is. He's not and now I am beginning to see that he never will. It's not my issue anyway so it's time to stop giving it so much thought. Words are words and they are easy; actions are actions and not easy when you won't allow them. That's all I need to know.

 

I'm sorry Chelsea. It's good that you know what you want and what you don't want. Yes, words are very easy. His actions are clear to you and if you know what you truly want in a balanced relationship, you will see that this is not what you hope for. It's painful as you were very hopeful from your past threads but you gave it all you can and if several attempts haven't given you what you wanted, then it's probably time to cut your losses and move on.

[chelsea2011]

I'm sorry Chelsea. It's good that you know what you want and what you don't want. Yes, words are very easy. His actions are clear to you and if you know what you truly want in a balanced relationship, you will see that this is not what you hope for. It's painful as you were very hopeful from your past threads but you gave it all you can and if several attempts haven't given you what you wanted, then it's probably time to cut your losses and move on.

 

Yes, I agree. It's heart breaking because I was really hopeful this time. He just texted me (his normal method in communication...I should have known *rolling eyes*) and I don't know what to say to him. It's the normal, "hi sweetness" like nothing has happened. Like it's okay to go cold on me and expect me to be jumping for joy to hear from him. He can keep those crumbs.

[Zahara]

Yes, I agree. It's heart breaking because I was really hopeful this time. He just texted me (his normal method in communication...I should have known *rolling eyes*) and I don't know what to say to him. It's the normal, "hi sweetness" like nothing has happened. Like it's okay to go cold on me and expect me to be jumping for joy to hear from him. He can keep those crumbs.

 

Yep, texting is the preferred mode of communication. It's impersonal and detached. Keeps the communication going, yet keeps it casual, the way they like it. The guys I used to date used to disappear as well and suddenly out of the blue I would get a text, "My sweet Zahara, how are you?" or "What's up sweetness?" Text book. That was all I was deserving, which I thought at the time. It was pretty sad. When in fact there are men out there that want to communicate and keep connected and be a part of your life, consistently.

[chelsea2011]

Just need to vent a little more.

 

I guess when I think about it, I'm just exhausted. For instance, he claimed to be jealous and had a hard time trusting me due to "my actions" when he first met me. And that jealousy has continued for most of the relationship and now I'm seeing it as a ploy to keep me at arms length. Anyway, the last time we broke up, it was because I wanted more than he could give so I wanted to be set free to date and possibly find a good match. I went out on one date during the break up and it turned out to not be a good match for me. The last thing I need is another fickle guy and that is what I saw with that date. We cross paths occasionally due to the industry we work in and he has recently emailed me about needing my support for an upcoming event. I have no interest in this guy what-so-ever; it's strictly business. However, my bf has my password to my email and goes in occasionally due to trust issues with me. I don't care that he does as I have nothing at all to hide. He can read my email all day for all I care...there's nothing there. The problem is, if he goes in and sees this guy's email (completely innocent and about business), he might or will draw the wrong conclusion (again) and accuse me of things I'm not doing and have no intention of doing. I just don't want that hassle anymore...it's not fun, especially when I'm not doing anything even remotely wrong. The thought of that happening has me down too. I don't like having to worry about accusations that are simply not true.

 

Edited February 13, 2012 by chelsea2011

[Zahara]

Im not sure what your "actions" were but if he truly wants to have a relationship with you, then he needs to either work on building his trust with you and move forward, and if he cannot fully trust you, then both of you need to seek partners that can provide you with what you deserve. I have a feeling this is an excuse to keep you where he needs you to be. It's become your fault that he has trust issues and therefore you have to play by his terms. Very convenient.

 

I've been there, done that and I'll just mention this. Since you know he has access to your email, was there an ulterior motive to leave that email from that guy accessible in hopes of him opening it and therefore provoking a reaction? Maybe jealousy would be a reinforcement that he wants you or loves you?

 

Also, if you believe that email would cause problems, why allow the possibility, especially when you believe it causes insecurity within him, if that is truly the case?

 

If he truly wants to build a relationship, he should not be retreating. The two of you should be communicating, expressing needs and wants, compromising and trying to keep each other secure in the relationship.

Edited February 13, 2012 by Zahara

[chelsea2011]

Since you know he has access to your email, was there an ulterior motive to leave that email from that guy accessible in hopes of him opening it and therefore provoking a reaction? Maybe jealousy would be a reinforcement for you?

 

I understand why you are asking this question, but I can definitely assure you that is not the case at all. I did delete an email one time (completely innocent one) because I thought he would jump to the wrong conclusion and I ended up getting accused of being shady because I deleted it. His thinking was, if there was nothing to worry about then why did I delete it? I deleted it because I didn't want him to jump to conclusions and he did anyway. I work with a lot men in my profession and have to counsel them sometimes and he gets worried about that. He has no reason to because I'm very professional and know how to set boundaries. I'm not interested in anyone but him and I think he had a hard time believing that.

 

He has trust issues because I handled things badly when we first met. BUT, I have more than paid my price for that and more importantly, I learned my lesson and "saw" where I went wrong and corrected that behavior a loong time ago. He has no reason to distrust me now...at all. That's for certain! So again, that's why I think the trust issues are just a means to keep me at a distance. It works too. But, I don't want to play that game anymore, so I won't.

 

I completely agree, we should both be communicating and working to get passed all of that stuff now. It has no relevance anymore.

Edited February 13, 2012 by chelsea2011

[chelsea2011]

So it's official - my wall is back up. I've thought about it for the past few days and I didn't give my word without setting personal boundaries. I took it slow because I was looking out for myself and wanted to make sure I wasn't going to end up back in the same place with him. And sure enough, like clock work he started to blow hot and cold again. I didn't sign up for that. And if he asks I will tell him, "My feelings are valid and I made it clear I wasn't willing to give it a shot if it was going to be the same thing all over again. I'm not angry, just disappointed. So quit trying to walk over my boundaries and minimizing my feelings by saying I'm insecure and clingy. Not so...not so at all. It's simple, my biggest problem with you was that you blew hot and cold. That's your issue not mine. My reaction was normal under these delicate circumstances. The thing is, all you had to do was extend a common courtesy and I wouldn't have had this reaction. Why? Because I'm reasonable."

 

For whatever reason, he can't give me that so I'm backing off. He can do whatever he wants because right now I don't care. I'm not going to date or anything, but I'm also not going to be around forever either.

 

So that's how it is right now. I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected so he's free to stay in his own little comfort zone. I've bent my schedule enough - his restrictions are on him not me. I'm a person NOT a solution to his restrictions.

[geegirl]

So it's a stand off? Are you stepping back waiting for him to decide your fate or are you deciding based on not wanting to lather rinse repeat?

[chelsea2011]

Good question. I can say, without a doubt, it's because I DON'T want a lather rinse and repeat. I made that clear going in and I would be a fool to accept any less. I'm numb to him right now.

[chelsea2011]

Feeling much better today. I'm actually proud of myself for sticking to my boundaries and not tolerating stuff that ends up making me feel bad. I allowed it and now I've made the choice to say "no more." It feels good. Besides, he simply doesn't want to see things from my point of view and that makes it hard to want to see things from his. So he can "stick it"...ha!

[chelsea2011]

"No!"..."this customer isn't buying the crumbs you're peddling. Go sell them to her...she can have them."

[geegirl]

"No!"..."this customer isn't buying the crumbs you're peddling. Go sell them to her...she can have them."

 

What has he been saying?

[KathyM]

Don't bother continuing to try to make it work. It doesn't work. You are not a match. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move on with your life and with finding someone who is a match. This guy sounds like he has commitment issues or emotional intimacy issues, which doesn't make for a good partner when you are seeking a real relationship that will progress. Or maybe he's just stringing you along until someone better comes along, and when you start to pull away, he does what it takes to keep you, but nothing more. Time to move on. As you said, a relationship shouldn't be that difficult.

[chelsea2011]

Don't bother continuing to try to make it work. It doesn't work. You are not a match. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move on with your life and with finding someone who is a match. This guy sounds like he has commitment issues or emotional intimacy issues, which doesn't make for a good partner when you are seeking a real relationship that will progress. Or maybe he's just stringing you along until someone better comes along, and when you start to pull away, he does what it takes to keep you, but nothing more. Time to move on. As you said, a relationship shouldn't be that difficult.

 

I was just responding here instead of texting him and already know what has to be done in this situation. Thanks for your thougts though.

 

@geegirl

 

He just sent a little breadcrumb text and that's what I felt like telling him, so I posted here instead of responding to him...lol. Anyway, screw him...I just don't care anymore. Trust has been broken and I've had enough. That's why I said he can go peddle his measley little crumbs to someone else - I ain't buyin 'em anymore.

[geegirl]

@geegirl

 

He just sent a little breadcrumb text and that's what I felt like telling him, so I posted here instead of responding to him...lol. Anyway, screw him...I just don't care anymore. Trust has been broken and I've had enough. That's why I said he can go peddle his measley little crumbs to someone else - I ain't buyin 'em anymore.

 

Yep, you're switching to a healthy whole wheat grain loaf diet. No more breadcrumbs. He can save it for the birds.

 

Good for you Chelsea! I'm really rooting for you and I hope you stay this course because any other course would give you the same disappointing results. You sound strong and steadfast in your decision. Keep posting here when bird man comes a calling. In time you will want to kick yourself for wasting time on someone that's just too much of a coward. You need someone that is as strong minded.

Edited February 17, 2012 by geegirl

[chelsea2011]

No need to reply....just responding here instead of to him.

 

"No"..."It's her job now...I'm not a fill in for anyone. You've made it clear where I rank and I don't want to be treated like that. "

Edited February 18, 2012 by chelsea2011

[chelsea2011]

This guy sucks me back in after the holidays and then treats me like I'm nothing more than a fwb, expects me find time during "his schedule" which requires a lot of creativity on my part and refuses to do anything romantic that shows any sort of appreciation on his part. It's more of the same and he expects me to let my walls down to get to know him? His actions have always been the same and my reactions have been the same each time - I get fed up and want to walk away. It's obvious that he is addicted to the chase and enjoys reeling me back in only to treat me the same. That's my fault because I ALLOW it every single time. He really tricked me this time and had me believing it was different this time and it wasn't. Again my fault because I allowed it.

 

Now I just want him out of my life for good! I don't want anything more to do with him...ever! He showed me who he was the first time, so why do I keep thinking it will change? He is nothing but a taker who is looking out for his own selfish needs. He doesn't give two s**ts about me. Where does he get off feeling so entitled? He is too much of a coward to approach things *directly* with me and let me tell you...I have tried! I'm so done now. He is nothing more than a selfish little frat boy who is looking to take what he can without giving anything in return. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot...he sent me a measley little happy v-day text. Whoopy doo! Keep it...

 

I want NOTHING more to do with him. He can sell his crumbs to the other woman he has in his life right now...she can have him. And if he tries to pull any crap and spread stories about me, I will contact her for sure. This all ends now...it's done.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.