Valentines for Married Couples

[setsenia]

As I've stated in previous posts, it's not necessarily about wanting a gift per say. It could be planning a nice dinner or something that involves spending time together. If you know exactly what you're going to get every special occasion, would it not get tedious? Then what is the point of let's say, Christmas? Are we supposed to tell everyone exactly what we want so we know exactly what we're getting under the wrapping paper? Christmas isn't necessarily about the gifts, it's about the thought you put into the gift and the gesture that matters most. Christmas wouldn't be fun if we knew what we were all getting. Sure relatives might ask for a few ideas, but you still won't know for sure what you're getting. This keeps the surprise in things. There are very few gifts that I have gotten that I haven't liked, so that's definitely not the issue. What's important is that the other person cared enough to think of you that day. It could be a surprise dinner place at a favorite restaurant you aren't ordinarily able to go to due to budget, or it could be decorative, homemade dessert. Showing someone you care shouldn't take a special day. Sending them surprise flowers or an edible bouquet on a random day are simple ways of showing you care and keeping the romance alive.

Edited February 14, 2012 by setsenia

[JazzyFox]

Im with you on this one Setsenia.

 

As far as Im concerned I do not want to celebrate a holiday that is purely "transactional". I define transactional as: I tell you what I want, and you go out and buy it.

 

Maybe it is because I have my own money, have led an independant life for many years, and do not rely on anyone, not even my husband. If I want something, I go and get it. End of story.

 

I would rather not get anything at all, then have to "give a list" to my husband.

 

And when my husband does ask me "what would you like sweetie", I tell him I need for nothing (which is true) and that his love for me is enough.

 

On the flipside, I take great joy in creating wonderful surprises for him. And I am always tickled pink when he suprises me with things. I love that he still trys to impress me every once in a while.

[denise_xo]

As I've stated in previous posts, it's not necessarily about wanting a gift per say. It could be planning a nice dinner or something that involves spending time together. If you know exactly what you're going to get every special occasion, would it not get tedious? Then what is the point of let's say, Christmas? Are we supposed to tell everyone exactly what we want so we know exactly what we're getting under the wrapping paper? Christmas isn't necessarily about the gifts, it's about the thought you put into the gift and the gesture that matters most. Christmas wouldn't be fun if we knew what we were all getting. Sure relatives might ask for a few ideas, but you still won't know for sure what you're getting. This keeps the surprise in things. There are very few gifts that I have gotten that I haven't liked, so that's definitely not the issue. What's important is that the other person cared enough to think of you that day. It could be a surprise dinner place at a favorite restaurant you aren't ordinarily able to go to due to budget, or it could be decorative, homemade dessert. Showing someone you care shouldn't take a special day. Sending them surprise flowers or an edible bouquet on a random day are simple ways of showing you care and keeping the romance alive.

 

I think that's one very legitimate very of seeing it, but people are different and your H appears to experience this differently.

 

In my family, we often ask each other want we want and get exactly that (although it's usually chosen from a small range of alternatives). We find that to be thoughtful because then we know that the gift will be appreciated. But yes, it takes away the surprise element (which we personally don't mind).

 

Your H has been honest and said that he finds it difficult to think of gifts and that he would like some pointers from you. That means that he wants to get you something (hence quite thoughtful IMO) and he is just unsure about what would suit you. I think you've gotten some good advice here on how to give him some hints without spoiling all the fun. I would go with that if I were you.

[setsenia]

Im with you on this one Setsenia.

 

As far as Im concerned I do not want to celebrate a holiday that is purely "transactional". I define transactional as: I tell you what I want, and you go out and buy it.

 

Maybe it is because I have my own money, have led an independant life for many years, and do not rely on anyone, not even my husband. If I want something, I go and get it. End of story.

 

Exactly how I feel!

[beenburned]

JF,

When I ask my H what he wants on an occassion ,and he won't tell me anything or give me any ideas, it makes me mad enough to strangle him.

 

I have personally,for our entire marriage, been the shopper for every occassion, for all family members.(immediate and extended on both sides)

 

It makes my shopping so much easier and faster when everyone makes a list or tells me what they want.

[JazzyFox]

JF,

When I ask my H what he wants on an occassion ,and he won't tell me anything or give me any ideas, it makes me mad enough to strangle him.

 

I have personally,for our entire marriage, been the shopper for every occassion, for all family members.(immediate and extended on both sides)

 

It makes my shopping so much easier and faster when everyone makes a list or tells me what they want.

 

Well, if I was a man, and your husband, and felt the same way I do ... and if you asked me what I wanted for xmas/fathers day/ valentines/etc ... and if you told me that you would strangle me if I didn't tell you ... here is what I would say, with my hands wrapped around your waist and looking into your eyes:

 

" sweetheart, the one thing I truly want, is to slowly take off every bit of your clothing, and lie you down on our bed, and make slow passionate love to you all night, no interruptions" and then I would say "but if you really need to buy me a gift, then buy me a big fuzzy blanket that I can wrap us up in when I am done with loving your body"

 

[Stung]

Im with you on this one Setsenia.

 

As far as Im concerned I do not want to celebrate a holiday that is purely "transactional". I define transactional as: I tell you what I want, and you go out and buy it.

 

Maybe it is because I have my own money, have led an independant life for many years, and do not rely on anyone, not even my husband. If I want something, I go and get it. End of story.

 

I would rather not get anything at all, then have to "give a list" to my husband.

 

And when my husband does ask me "what would you like sweetie", I tell him I need for nothing (which is true) and that his love for me is enough.

 

On the flipside, I take great joy in creating wonderful surprises for him. And I am always tickled pink when he suprises me with things. I love that he still trys to impress me every once in a while.

 

I had my own money and an independent life for many years, as well. Now I'm married, and have a family.

 

You enjoy creating wonderful surprises for your husband, that's fantastic for you. I do too, although he sometimes makes it difficult--and I enjoy having the same in return. If my husband was good at that, I'd prefer getting a big romantic thoughtful emotional surprise to giving him a list as well. However, not everybody is good at that, for many men it's more like torture. This is what people are attempting to explain.

 

My husband does try to impress me, all the time, and quite successfully. He does things that make me blink back tears--acts, more than gifts, but I've received both. He's just no good at doing them on command, on a schedule, when the pressure is on for a symbolic holiday he doesn't feel any personal emotional connection to.

 

I have learned to see that nuanced emotion-connected symbolic gifting/surprise crafting is a SKILL, not an indicator of the actual emotion involved. I have learned to appreciate what my husband does, and what he IS good at, which is a LOT, instead of clinging to resentment over his imperfections around a day like Valentines Day...and make no mistake, that can be a learning process, for people who are more symbolic thinkers and attach deeper emotional significance to a holiday.

 

I remember saying something very much like "I would rather not get anything at all than have to give a list," but it was many years ago, before I ever even met my husband--early in my relationship experience. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it does make me wonder if you are rather young, and/or not married very long. It also makes me wonder what would really happen if you got just that for Valentines Day--nothing at all. I could be wrong, but it has been my experience that most people who say something like that are being pretty disingenuous with themselves.

[JazzyFox]

I remember saying something very much like "I would rather not get anything at all than have to give a list," but it was many years ago, before I ever even met my husband--early in my relationship experience. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it does make me wonder if you are rather young, and/or not married very long. It also makes me wonder what would really happen if you got just that for Valentines Day--nothing at all. I could be wrong, but it has been my experience that most people who say something like that are being pretty disingenuous with themselves.

 

Stung, you make many excellent points.

 

I don't consider myself to be young, approaching 40, but I am newlywed, and rather new to this game.

 

That said, I have made some strides in personal maturity over the years, and in disassociating our love from the commercial connotations of holidays. And yet, Im spoiled rotten by my husband who is constantly showering me with gifts and trips and everything else.

 

Of course, I still love surprises, but they don't have to be material, or expensive, or on set holidays. And I don't personnally want to feed into the commercialism of these holidays by providing a list of items to my husband. If I have wants, I just go out and buy them.

 

But at the end of the day, on this very Valentines day, the one gift that touches my heart, was the wonderful kiss he left me with this morning before we went to work. A kiss of passion and tenderness, enough to melt my knees.

 

And that was all I needed.