AtotheN Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I've been with my married boyfriend for over 5 years now. The two of us have been very open to being with other people, which sounds silly given the circumstances, but he's been with 2 other women before that his wife didn't know about until someone told her (which I was aware of), and neither one of them continued. Over the last 6 months she found out about me as well. The affair itself was found out because she broke into my house and found him in bed with me. To make a complicated story short, he told her that he was going to stay with me, and if she wanted to stay that would be the way it would be. So we have continued our relationship and they have continued to live together. Although this all seems unconventional and complicated, we have been doing this, we have even all shared the same bed, although not in a bisexual way. This being said, I do not care for her, I simply accept that she's been there longer and that its best I keep my opinions and past experiences with him to myself. Here in lies one of many issues that you may expect with this situation. I have never, with exception of one occasion after the affair was known, and we cleared it first, invited myself into their home. I know as the other woman, there are things that just are not acceptable, and having sex in another woman's bed I feel is one of those things, and I've never done it. I know its her right to know what her husband is doing and where he is, but going into their house was a violation that I never crossed myself. Now that we are sharing him, and he and I are being honest about things, mostly things are working out ok, and like I said, I even have let her join us in my home, but now she thinks that she can come in whenever she chooses. On a couple occasions she has come into my house while he was there, and practically dragged him out, because he 'was there too long.' As far as I'm concerned she is not as 'cool' with this arrangement as she tells him she is, but I see this as a huge violation of my privacy. I have kept my mouth shut about her and her constant phone calls when he is over, but I told him the walk-ins were not acceptable, and not happening anymore. In order to keep the piece I have not talked to her directly because I have no filter and chose not to address the matter when I was angry about it. Why would she keep reliving that first time she saw us together for one, and how do I handle her thinking that because I'm with her husband she has free reign to enter my home whenever she pleases? I'm sorry for the long winded story, but anyone have any input? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Welll....it seems like this is what you've signed up for. I wouldn't agree to such an arrangement as I have no time for the complications and drama of it all. Sharing a man, allowing the wife to come into my bed, then now she feels like she can do whatever...it is all too much...but the point is: you invited it. The only way to stop it is for all 3 of you to have a discussion and lay down some ground rules, or you find a different setup altogether. It's hard enough having a relationship with one person, much less trying to share them and also "invite" their other partner into it and then be ditching and dodging and trying to "keep the peace". You're a better woman than I, as for the very reasons you're describing and are frustrated with, I could never agree to that. I am gonna be honest: you, the wife and he all seem to have your work cut out for you and it seems to make for the perfect storm. Serial cheater meets OW who invites wife in for the fun, wife stays with serial cheater and invites herself as part of the fun and you are secretly unhappy and posting on a message board and she's secretly unhappy too (you have said you believe this is the case)...and he is quite satisfied I'm sure. Please think about that. He better be the King of the Universe to deserve 2 women putting up with foolishness for his sake...smh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtotheN Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I will add that he has been more than happy to add other men to our bed for me (on multiple occasions), so adding his wife for him to have a second woman in bed was more pay back than anything, and no threat of me having to touch her, just like when their was another man in the mix for me. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 ..... Ahhh so what is your ultimate hope for the situation? What would you like to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtotheN Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Respect mostly. I feel as though she's giving us both lip service by her actions. I ultimately feel that she is playing along right now, because he wants me in the game. I also believe that she thinks our relationship just sexually based, which of course we have, but we have a lot more too, and I wonder if her coming into my space is a way of legal infiltration in her mind, to keep him from being emotionally attached to me. She has made comments about him kissing me, or us having inside jokes, and has said that 'you didn't inform me you two were that close.' I am a bit worried that she is going to take the habit of coming into my space further if she decides this arrangement isn't suiting her. I'm wondering how to broach this without me getting angry and going down a bad road, because as you said, left unchecked its a perfect storm, regardless of who I am to her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Do you think it is reasonable to ask this woman to respect the woman her husband was sleeping with behind her back and only found out because she caught you guys red-handed? It's all very confusing to me. I have no clue, to be honest, how any of you rationalize this situation. I have no clue why you or she would agree to any of this...it makes perfect sense why neither of you are happy. I personally feel you have no right to be angry as you signed up for this and so did she. You by dating a MM and continuing to date him, even when you knew it wasn't an open relationship from jump and she by allowing the situation after finding out. There is no need to be angry....if you all have decided to be with the same man, and be in this arrangement then you are going to need to work as a team and Mr. King of the Universe needs to be playing an active role in making things nice for you both....however, I can bet he could care less how either of you feel about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtotheN Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I understand where you're coming from, and I think that's exactly what she thinks too. He has been actively keeping the peace though, she hasn't been here in a while. He has asked if I would allow her to come, apparently she expressed interest, and I've said no. I just wonder more if I need to bring up the subject at all at this point. Yes he is happy, but not because I'm not. And I think more than anything we are trying to make a situation work. Time will tell if it will or not. But I think if nothing else, this is all telling me I need to have a sit down and talk to both of them. Get the elephant out of the room so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Don't forget that she IS his wife and you are not. And of course as willing as she may be in this situation, her feelings are hurt and she's jealous, rightfully so. SHe loves her husband and is allowing him to continue on with you, so either accept that you and her husband are not going to end up together and this fun play thing you all have going on won't last forever, enjoy it for what it is, or end it. End it because you may have feelings for him and want him for yourself. I'm not sure what it is you want.. You could talk to her, and to him, make some rules or maybe change things up so you all can meet somewhere else (hotel) and that way your house and their house doesn't have 3-somes in it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 OF COURSE he is happy! My god, this man has a wife and an OW, who willingly both sleep with him, adore him and at times are fighting over him. He LOVES that his wife is hurt at times and jealous.. He likes that you are in some pain, it keeps the intensity going and the drama happening. He's the "King" in all this, he wins! Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 OF COURSE he is happy! My god, this man has a wife and an OW, who willingly both sleep with him, adore him and at times are fighting over him. He LOVES that his wife is hurt at times and jealous.. He likes that you are in some pain, it keeps the intensity going and the drama happening. He's the "King" in all this, he wins! Agreed! I feel sorry for this guys wife. She is hurt and not thinking clearly. Right now she thinks it's better to share her husband rather than lose him. Of course this isn't true, as nobody is worth that kind of humilation. Hopefully this state of desperation is simply a phase and her anger will eventually surface at being this horribly mistreated and disrespected. I'm not against open marriages when both spouses want that but clearly this wife does not. The MM in this situation sounds unbelievably cruel and heartless. I can't imagine how any woman would find him attractive, much less two of them. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I feel bad for both AtotheN and the wife....as really, neither of them are in a great position. The only "winner" who is not compromising and not feeling badly is the MM in this case. It is sad that two women really think this man is all that or that they aren't all that, better yet, that they would put themselves in such a predicament smh. This man has cheated on the wife before, hence her need to break into the OW's house and catch them in bed...then have this man say he's not leaving, then have the OW ask you to join in bed... and you agree...I mean...what is going on here???!!! ALL parties, from the account, need cold water splashed on them to wake them up. The thread title is appropriate...as NO ONE in this story has any personal boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I don't see a problem. I really don't. Every one has the christmas wish list and everyone is getting what they want. I don't see an issue at all. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Respect mostly. I feel as though she's giving us both lip service by her actions. I ultimately feel that she is playing along right now, because he wants me in the game. I also believe that she thinks our relationship just sexually based, which of course we have, but we have a lot more too, and I wonder if her coming into my space is a way of legal infiltration in her mind, to keep him from being emotionally attached to me. She has made comments about him kissing me, or us having inside jokes, and has said that 'you didn't inform me you two were that close.' I am a bit worried that she is going to take the habit of coming into my space further if she decides this arrangement isn't suiting her. I'm wondering how to broach this without me getting angry and going down a bad road, because as you said, left unchecked its a perfect storm, regardless of who I am to her husband. Might be a little late for this one. Seems as if the ground rules have not been to the liking of all...so respect is mostly a word tossed around without any substance to it at all. The male in this situation is less than. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Agreed! I feel sorry for this guys wife. She is hurt and not thinking clearly. Right now she thinks it's better to share her husband rather than lose him. Of course this isn't true, as nobody is worth that kind of humilation. Hopefully this state of desperation is simply a phase and her anger will eventually surface at being this horribly mistreated and disrespected. I'm not against open marriages when both spouses want that but clearly this wife does not. The MM in this situation sounds unbelievably cruel and heartless. I can't imagine how any woman would find him attractive, much less two of them. So do you think YOU deserve it then? And no - he isn't happy BECAUSE of anyone's unhappiness. He just doesn't give a rat's arse about the happiness of anyone but himself. You really want to be involved with someone like that? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 I don't think he has any respect for either one of you and what is worse that you and the wife are allowing him to have you both and both of you seem willing to bend to anything he wants. Sad for both you and his wife and I can't help but think that you will regret being a part of inflicting that kind of humiliation on his wife. Right now, I think you feel like you've got the upper hand, but I don't think you do, he does as he have two women that will take him any way they can get him. I agree.... I think both AtotheN and his wife need to wise up and leave him in the dust to figure out what happened! Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 Respect mostly. Respect? Really? How many people leading the kind of life you do get respect? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Why does she think she can come into your space whenever she wants to?? Because she is his W and you aren't. She is letting him have his cake and eat it to, for the moment, because she mistakenly believes that it will win him back to her. You are allowing him to stay married to her and have sex with her because you think you have the upper hand. Just like you keep your opinions and past experiences with him to yourself. Because you think you have the upper hand over his W. Unfortunately, you both will find that neither of you have the upper hand - that being his W or thinking you are his more-favored girlfriend - is going to make a difference to a selfish, greedy man. If you are looking for respect, you need to first seek it from him as he is not giving it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Please note that saying that "because she is his W and you aren't" wasn't saying she has that right to barge into your place, just that she thinks she still has a version of the upper hand as well. She thinks being his W means she is in charge of his interactions with you as well. He may have told her that he is going to see you both, but apparently you don't know the whole story if she's pulling him out of your home because "he's been [there] too long". Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Why does she think she can come into your space whenever she wants to?? Because she is his W and you aren't. She is letting him have his cake and eat it to, for the moment, because she mistakenly believes that it will win him back to her. You are allowing him to stay married to her and have sex with her because you think you have the upper hand. Just like you keep your opinions and past experiences with him to yourself. Because you think you have the upper hand over his W. Unfortunately, you both will find that neither of you have the upper hand - that being his W or thinking you are his more-favored girlfriend - is going to make a difference to a selfish, greedy man. If you are looking for respect, you need to first seek it from him as he is not giving it to you. Quite so... I'd also add that one has to respect one's self first and foremost, because expecting a selfish and greedy man to actually stop to respect you may be futile, so you most likely will need to find your own self-respect! I don't think AtotheN or the wife have much of it right now...or else they'd not allow this jerk to treat them in that way. I don't get the feeling either that he is going to all of a sudden have a flash of insight and start treating them better, as they have shown him that he can treat them as he wishes, with no consequences. So my advice again would be for the wife and AtotheN to put an end to his behavior and toss it to the curb and leave him in the dust to figure out what happened. But for now...he has two women who contribute to him feeling like the cat's meow Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I will add that he has been more than happy to add other men to our bed for me (on multiple occasions), so adding his wife for him to have a second woman in bed was more pay back than anything, and no threat of me having to touch her, just like when their was another man in the mix for me. Forgive me for mentioning it, but your choice of language is just really off-putting. "Add other men to our bed" ?!?! It sounds like a recipe! "adding his wife for him to have a second woman in bed "? These "extras" are human beings, right? If you guys just wanted an ingredient, I'm sure you could have made a different choice than HIS WIFE, for crying out loud. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Forgive me for mentioning it, but your choice of language is just really off-putting. "Add other men to our bed" ?!?! It sounds like a recipe! "adding his wife for him to have a second woman in bed "? These "extras" are human beings, right? If you guys just wanted an ingredient, I'm sure you could have made a different choice than HIS WIFE, for crying out loud. I don't get it. I had those same feelings. It just all seems so unemotional and cold. Link to post Share on other sites
jaloka Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 you need to toss MM and BW out and get some space. let them figure out their mess instead of playing it out in your livingroom. you dont treat people you love like objects to be added/subtracted at will. MM doesn't love you or respect you, you're just a toy to him. i have been with my MM for 6 years, there's no way i would let MM treat me like that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 you need to toss MM and BW out and get some space. let them figure out their mess instead of playing it out in your livingroom. you dont treat people you love like objects to be added/subtracted at will. MM doesn't love you or respect you, you're just a toy to him. i have been with my MM for 6 years, there's no way i would let MM treat me like that. I agree with this, though (not judging at all, just saying it's kind of odd) in some sense your MM is using you, for 6 years in an affair.. After so long I'm sure you have expecatations and hopes that he'll be yours? More than just an affair? Maybe you're happy with how things are, being his second fiddle while he still lives his life with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Why are you allowing his wife into your home? If you want respect, you have to demand respect and not let this woman barge into your home and your bed. I can certainly understand your desire to have other men and women join you in your bed. I wouldn't think you would have much trouble finding a woman other than his wife. You don't need this added drama. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Why are you allowing his wife into your home? If you want respect, you have to demand respect and not let this woman barge into your home and your bed. I can certainly understand your desire to have other men and women join you in your bed. I wouldn't think you would have much trouble finding a woman other than his wife. You don't need this added drama. I think dating a man with a wife, who is not in an open relationship, is the start of the drama Link to post Share on other sites
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