is love enough?? is it lack of respect for wife and children? need help support

[trying2bhappy]

i have been married for 9 years and have 3 children. i love him and do want this to work, i've been doing most if not all of the changing (for the better). to shorten the story my husband and i were essentially living an emotional divorce. i left because i saw no relief in sight and now we are back together. while separated i was soul searching going to church and focusing on OUR children, he apparently was not doing the same. he works at a job with alot of younger 20 something women that flirt quite openly and the boss/owner (male) condones it. the owner quite frequently takes the management out for drinks and dinner, no spouses, and i have a problem with it because i know how these girls are. they make sexual comments, pinch him etc... i have gotten past the flirting and have told him i don't want those women grabbing at him flirting and have not seen it, at least while i'm around. he saw nothing wrong with it. i mean it's like these people he's known for 4-6 months mean more to him than his wife of almost 10 years and 3 children. if they praise him or anyone but me praise him he accepts it. what's wrong with me? he was going out with a few of these women and their boyfriends etc.. as a group while i was gone. he was never a go out and party person so, that changed!

 

anyways... he is an emotionally unavailable person in general and it wasn't until the last 2 years that i realized this. since we moved to his home state/town where i assume this all started. i love him dearly but, i cannot live like this. i need deliberate can't wait too.. nuzzles and kisses. i need affection. i need to feel important to him! he has a network of alot of people (friends, family, barely acquaintances, work friends) and they know they can call on him at anytime and do this and he'll help them with whatever. it's like he has to have alot of friends, etc.. to feel validated or appreciated. me and the children don't do it for him. why? i don't understand it. it's like a real NEED in him. yet he's not emotionally attached to them either, or doesn't seem to be. like he doesn't open up to them either emotionally. for example if we go to party's or out when we get there i am immediately ditched and he finds anyone to talk to but, it's about work or something trivial. what really annoys me is when he talks about this engaged woman at work and how she's done so good in the company.etc...blah i feel like i've been hit by a brick in the gut. he rarely praises me to others, he rarely praises me at all and it seems like he feels pressured to do so when he does.

 

he says he loves me but, what does that mean to him? i have gained weight and so has he over the years. he's larger than me. i've lost 15+# and am going for more so, i don't think it's that. i guess what i'm asking is how do i get him to open up? how do i deal with these women he's around? how do i get him to show emotion. he gets defensive and shuts himself off. example.. i was just trying to get him to talk one day after work and was asking what's your favorite fruit? 2nd favorite meal etc... his reply was a harsh toned "i don't know, i can't pick a favorite, i like all types of food!" he's so blunt with me yet is worried about hurting these many woman's feelings he works with. he seems to take everything i say as a direct hit. for awhile now i've felt he treats and regards everyone else with more respect and kindness. why? i mean there are times when he really acts loving but, in general i seldom hear praise, he never brags about me and whatever someone else needs him to do OK, even if he's late for our child's recital. it's like everything and everyone is more important than us. why? is my/our love enough/not enough or will he just never respect me? i don't know why he doesn't respect me but, that's what it seems like. any help appreciated. and thanks!!

[Bobbie]

it's like he has to have alot of friends, etc.. to feel validated or appreciated. me and the children don't do it for him. why? i don't understand it. it's like a real NEED in him. yet he's not emotionally attached to them either, or doesn't seem to be.

 

it sounds like he's emotionally unavailable but has a lot of shallow relationships in order to meet his needs?

 

 

for awhile now i've felt he treats and regards everyone else with more respect and kindness.

 

maybe he takes you for granted, you're always there, or you don't assert yourself with him?

 

Or maybe your self-esteem is low? It's hard to live in a relationship where your needs aren't met.

 

 

is my/our love enough/not enough or will he just never respect me?

 

no matter what he ( or anyone ) thinks learn to love and respect yourself.

 

Take care of yourself.

[trying2bhappy]

i think i need to get him to open up without being defensive. i don't know how to do this because he is so defensive and seems to take everything so deeply and blows up. can't say OK i don't feel like talking. he gets loud and avoids. i guess that could be a defense too. how do i be more assertive rather than seeming aggressive to him? even something as simple as if i want to be romantic and he doesn't he can't come up to me and say i really am tired tonight how about tomorrow. he waits till it comes up or kisses me says good-night and rolls over in avoidance or i assume gives in, gets off, and thats it. no regard for me. simple things like calling me from work if he gets called out and will for sure be late. no he waits till 8PM then might call and say oh i had to..... i don't deserve a call? i guess i need to come up with a short to the point talk and say it and wait for a response. i'm obviously not good at it..

[Bobbie]

http://health.yahoo.com/health/centers/relationships/2743 is an interesting article about communication between husband and wife.

[Linlin]

This sounds exactly like my H and I, except we have 2 children.

 

I don't want to point fingers at yours, but he sounds exactly like my H who was having an affair.

 

He was screwing a friend of ours and it is still a disaster 10 weeks later.

 

Check up on your H and find out who he is calling, who he is emailing, etc. You can get call display, put a program to check his emails, etc.

 

Also get yourself and H into counselling. He may not go of course, mine wouldn't, we now know why.

 

May be it is salvagable.

 

I tell you though, I am so much happier not having to walk around on eggshells to make him happy. I tell him he doesn't have an opinion about anything involving me anymore. At least the stress of his mood are gone.

 

Good luck and do some checking

[dudesomewhere]

not sure what kind of love you guys have, but in my book love...true love is made up of many things that all tie together, they must exist together or it is a false love. Respect, honesty, love...and if this can be included, openess. Openess could be a part of honesty but it's like a different flavor. Honest is as when someone asks you something and you give the honest answer...openess is when you just share things on a whim...or share things when you think you need to without being asked.

 

Some people suffer something that requires them to validate themselves by knowing people. They feel like they exist the more people they know, regardless of how shallow or baseless those relationships are. It is the corruption of the view of quality over quantity. To some it is better to have quantity and they believe it is truly better than quality relationships.

 

Many if not all of these people often don't know how to love...they can care but not really love. Only when they love themselves can they learn to love those that matter most.

 

Man...I realize I'm one mushy sounding person...I am but

[moimeme]

Most couples fight about pragmatic issues--laundry or paying bills, for instance--but it's the emotional needs underlying these tiffs that need attention.

 

Excellent link, Bobbie!

[Samson]

True, it is a good site, and the therapy (EFT: reconnecting your emotional security to your partner in a 9 step program), seems to have a great success rate for the target audiance. Sadly, this doesn't include most people in troubled marriages

 

"EFT is not designed for people who have tried unsuccessfully to reconnect for so long that they've already mourned the lost relationship and become completely detached. It's also not appropriate for abusive relationships."

 

The problem is most crumbling marriages don't happen overnight, and before any solution is even considered, "mourning" the lost relationship has begun by one or both partners.