So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[ScreamingTrees]

Stop feeding her. Even the posters who KNOW it's futile still open their mouths. You're wasting your breath. Maybe MY advice is just worthlessly naive or ignorant or moronic, but she seems to ignore a great number of well-meaning posts. From me, at least. Forget about her, let her figure things out on her own.

 

I don't know why these rants are even posted if she knows that there's no hope for her. If you need to release steam, you should have your own personal "diary" thread where you could rant about every average guy who leaves you for some playboy model. At least it'd all be condensed.

 

I don't think a person with no hope would go through all of this trouble, they'd be at peace with their perpetual isolation because fretting over the inevitable would only make their lives worse.

 

She must not feel that it's her destiny to be alone, and only SHE can help herself when she grows tired of going through these self defeatist cycles.. She's her own worst enemy. Let her exhaust herself with this negativity. Maybe her mindset will change.

 

We CAN'T help you. You show us this with every single thread rejecting every post, and every new thread / mental "reset" is a slap to the face, quite frankly.

[verhrzn]

Stop feeding her. Even the posters who KNOW it's futile still open their mouths. You're wasting your breath. Maybe MY advice is just worthlessly naive or ignorant or moronic, but she seems to ignore a great number of well-meaning posts. From me, at least. Forget about her, let her figure things out on her own.

 

I don't know why these rants are even posted if she knows that there's no hope for her. If you need to release steam, you should have your own personal "diary" thread where you could rant about every average guy who leaves you for some playboy model. At least it'd all be condensed.

 

I don't think a person with no hope would go through all of this trouble, they'd be at peace with their perpetual isolation because fretting over the inevitable would only make their lives worse.

 

She must not feel that it's her destiny to be alone, and only SHE can help herself when she grows tired of going through these self defeatist cycles.. She's her own worst enemy. Let her exhaust herself with this negativity. Maybe her mindset will change.

 

We CAN'T help you. You show us this with every single thread rejecting every post, and every new thread / mental "reset" is a slap to the face, quite frankly.

 

My threads, about my own life, are somehow a "slap to the face"?? Because you're somehow being forced to read them?

 

I WISH I could give up. Notice how as soon as the thread inevitably starts cycling to my "attitude" (which is ALWAYS does, regardless of what I'm asking about) I change my question to "fine, how do I give up?" I've asked that multiple times in this thread, and all I've gotten back are snarky answers like "masturbate" or "well I gave up wanting a unicorn."

 

A lot of posters are NOT helping because they insist on focusing on something that is not the issue. Look back at the first 2 pages of this thread. A few posters said things like "Don't ask guys out." Hmm, yes, that advice does seem like a good idea to avoid this situation in the future. This thread could have easily ended there, but no, back down into the slope of "you're negative" and posters getting on their high horses.

 

I don't reject EVERY post. I reject the ones I disagree with. It just appears that I reject a lot of them because they are almost ALL about the same thing. Since I reject the central tenant (I am not negative, I am realistic, and my looks are a big problem) then it appears I don't listen.

 

The fact is, posters who harp on this same issue over and over no matter what thread I post in, if I mention my personal experience at all are the ones who are not listening. It's extremely hypocritical to say "Well I've given you good advice and you haven't listened!" when you didn't try to understand my question in the first place.

 

But it seems some posters take too big a pleasure into coming into my threads and harping on me, then turning around and criticizing me for the exact same thing.

[oldguy]

I don't see what's wrong with masturbating more...

OK? just out of the blue; "you don't see what's wrong with masturbating more". Well that may explain why we haven't seen you for awhile:D:laugh:

[Professor X]

OK? just out of the blue; "you don't see what's wrong with masturbating more". Well that may explain why we haven't seen you for awhile:D:laugh:

 

Awww, I'm all blushing now! you noticed I was gone for a while!

[Professor X]

A few posters said things like "Don't ask guys out." Hmm, yes, that advice does seem like a good idea to avoid this situation in the future.

Yeah, locking yourself in your room is also a good idea, no doubt, that way you could avoid any situation, like a guy asking you out after he failed with others!

 

If I want a car, maybe I won't go to work, so someone might give one for free, instead of being sad that they are to expensive, that is so brilliant! I'll try it

 

This thread could have easily ended there, but no, back down into the slope of "you're negative" and posters getting on their high horses.

Yeah, it could of, but some people actually tried to help you, sucks for them though, they didn't know what kind of a brick wall they ran into.

[verhrzn]

Yeah, it could of, but some people actually tried to help you, sucks for them though, they didn't know what kind of a brick wall they ran into.

 

Mocking me and telling me how much I suck is helping me?

 

Yeah, locking yourself in your room is also a good idea, no doubt, that way you could avoid any situation, like a guy asking you out after he failed with others!

 

If I want a car, maybe I won't go to work, so someone might give one for free, instead of being sad that they are to expensive, that is so brilliant! I'll try it

 

Oh look, more help in the form of mocking! So, you'd be perfectly happy for a girl to settle for you because all the guys she wanted turned her down?

[Cracker Jack]

I don't think the posters who post in your threads take pleasure in criticizing you. They're just frustrated because they really think you're attractive and have what it takes to find a good man, but you think the total opposite. I'm sure many are also confused as to how they can actually go about helping you at this point.

 

I know the simple reply to that is to "ignore the topic" and browse elsewhere, but I'm sure you'd rather get feedback (even if it's not to your liking) than get none at all--otherwise, you'd have stopped posting pages ago. I really don't know what it is you want people to say at this point.

[Professor X]

Mocking me and telling me how much I suck is helping me?

Didn't say you suck, I just said the logic you decided to follow is garbage.

 

Oh look, more help in the form of mocking! So, you'd be perfectly happy for a girl to settle for you because all the guys she wanted turned her down?

As long as she doesn't feel like she's settling with me, its fine. Thing is, in your case, you didn't know he was "settling" for you, you just automatically assumed that.

 

Besides, as long as there are chicks like Scarlett Johansson, you will always be a 2nd choice as long as it comes down to looks. Get used to it.

 

P.S. I ain't Brad Pitt nor Johnny Depp...

[verhrzn]

I don't think the posters who post in your threads take pleasure in criticizing you. They're just frustrated because they really think you're attractive and have what it takes to find a good man, but you think the total opposite. I'm sure many are also confused as to how they can actually go about helping you at this point.

 

I know the simple reply to that is to "ignore the topic" and browse elsewhere, but I'm sure you'd rather get feedback (even if it's not to your liking) than get none at all--otherwise, you'd have stopped posting pages ago. I really don't know what it is you want people to say at this point.

 

Actual advice besides "stop being so negative!" and "Like yourself!" That is not advice, that is a Dove Chocolate wrapper.

 

If a poster is gonna get down on me for being negative, then have some actual, constructive ways to not be that way.

 

Or else, provide feedback on the actual questions I'm asking. This thread was not at all about my attitude or my personality. The guy didn't find me attractive, I shouldn't have pursued him, I'll know better than to pursue next time. If people wanted to expand on my wider point-that I'm always second choice-it'd be nice to hear their own experiences with this. Were they their partner's 2nd choice? Do they mind being runner-up? Hell, stop making it so much about my problems!!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Join Scientology.

 

There. A solid suggestion. Give it a month and then come back and report.

 

Bye, now. See you in a month.

[verhrzn]

Join Scientology.

 

There. A solid suggestion. Give it a month and then come back and report.

 

Bye, now. See you in a month.

 

Okay, seriously, why are you in this thread? You must really take some sick pleasure in beating me down.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Okay, seriously, why are you in this thread? You must really take some sick pleasure in beating me down.

 

Don't worry! You're not the only kid in the sandbox she throws sand at.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Don't worry! You're not the only kid in the sandbox she throws sand at.

 

Clearly you have not read this thread nor the dozens of efforts I have made to offer this OP constructive ideas.

 

Anyway, why are YOU even on this thread? Evidently there is an unplumbed opportunity to overtake yet one more entire discussion with your sad, fearful and disjointed agenda.

 

I think they should give you a "sandbox" all your own, where I will NEVER play - but since that's not happening, carry on! And while you're at it, there are about 17,592 other threads awaiting your obliteration.

 

OP, it's almost comical how you hone in on the negative posts and latch on like a pitbull, while completely ignoring all the (hundreds, and hundreds, given your multiple identical threads) of thoughtful and potentially helpful ones.

 

How much attention is enough for you?

[ThaWholigan]

I'm confused......what exactly is it you want to know about being positive? There are masses of torrents for books/audio/videos about being positive and how to practically cultivate it. If you want some titles I can PM you some that have helped me. There are others that are more geared towards women that I am unaware of, but I'm sure you are capable of finding the stuff you need. They will be more adequate at explaining it than I probably will.

 

I also do not think you are being very realistic, your looks are not your problem at all. If it is not negativity as you so vehemently claim, then I'd like to know what you think could be causing you to think lowly of your appearance so much? I'm genuinely intrigued....

[Professor X]

OP, it's almost comical how you hone in on the negative posts and latch on like a pitbull, while completely ignoring all the (hundreds, and hundreds, given your multiple identical threads) of thoughtful and potentially helpful ones.

This gave me such a Deja vu!

 

P.S. I wanna join the sandbox!!

[verhrzn]

Clearly you have not read this thread nor the dozens of efforts I have made to offer this OP constructive ideas.

 

Anyway, why are YOU even on this thread? Evidently there is an unplumbed opportunity to overtake yet one more entire discussion with your sad, fearful and disjointed agenda.

 

I think they should give you a "sandbox" all your own, where I will NEVER play - but since that's not happening, carry on! And while you're at it, there are about 17,592 other threads awaiting your obliteration.

 

OP, it's almost comical how you hone in on the negative posts and latch on like a pitbull, while completely ignoring all the (hundreds, and hundreds, given your multiple identical threads) of thoughtful and potentially helpful ones.

 

How much attention is enough for you?

 

I don't want attention, I want constructive advice. I really don't see how snarky advice, advice that is dismissive of my experiences, or cookie-cutter advice such as "like yourself!" (great! how?) is either thoughtful or helpful.

 

As to the other threads I've "obliterated," 2 of the 3 I think you're referring to were my own threads. So, I destroyed my own discussions? If I am such a poisonous influence, why are you even coming into them in the first place?

 

And as to the weight loss thread, you have just as much responsibility for obliterating that. I came in with an objective of empathy with people who can't lose weight using personal experience, and you choose to ignore all the evidence I presented and snark at me instead. What information did you add to that thread besides personal attacks?

 

I have never said a thing against you. I have never made a personal attack against you, or called you names. I sent you one personal message asking you to cease and desist, and that if I drive you so crazy to just leave me alone. Yet you continue to come snarking.

 

I really don't get your problem. I haven't touched another thread because of what happened with the weight loss one. I've made sure to create my own whenever I have a question. It is clearly my name on the thread. If I'm so damn irritating, why don't you stay away? You've done nothing but come into my threads and put me down. Is that how you feel better about yourself-by putting other people down? Should I follow your example on how to "like" myself.... by being a bully to someone else who is struggling to make me feel and look superior?

 

This gave me such a Deja vu!

 

P.S. I wanna join the sandbox!!

 

And I'm sure you include yourself in the 'I gave such helpful advice!' crew. When your 'helpful' advice amounted to saying I was stupid for having an FWB, and asking if I was a transvestite for having a boy nickname.

[Mme. Chaucer]

As to the other threads I've "obliterated," 2 of the 3 I think you're referring to were my own threads. So, I destroyed my own discussions? If I am such a poisonous influence, why are you even coming into them in the first place?

 

That was not directed at you.

[verhrzn]

That was not directed at you.

 

*Facepalm* I should stop scrolling so fast I miss the first part of the post. My sincerest apologies, I completely misread.

[zengirl]

Actual advice besides "stop being so negative!" and "Like yourself!" That is not advice, that is a Dove Chocolate wrapper.

 

Actual, concrete suggestions:

 

(1) Read the Tao of Dating (for Women), the Tao of Pooh, and the Tao Te Ching (in that order) and try to understand the concepts of Taoism, as they apply to dating and self.

 

(2) Say affirmations of things you like about yourself and write them down in a journal.

 

(3) Keep a gratitude journal.

 

(4) Read The How of Happiness and use ANY of the concrete (things you actually do) strategies suggested in there, depending on which work best for your mindset---there's a quiz at the beginning to figure it out. The gratitude journal is one strategy, and that one is the most universal, I'd say.

 

(5) See a therapist about your body image and self image issues.

 

(6) Stop even THINKING about dating for at least 3 months, preferably while trying to get your mind healthier via therapy or self-help or whatever.

 

(7) Stop saying any negative statements about yourself, particularly your attractiveness/dating potential. Stop even thinking them. When you catch yourself thinking it, create a system -- an interruption, snapping a rubberband, saying a phrase in your mind to dispel the energy, whatever -- to pull your thoughts away from that. After about a month of truly trying to stop, you may actually be able to think about it almost none of the time and you may see some improvement; it will take time to retrain your mind.

 

Some of these may not work for you. Some may. But they are all concrete ideas. Being positive isn't some mythical nebulous thing; it's a conscious choice that takes doing many concrete things. There are literally 100s of ways to make yourself more positive -- truly concrete things -- and books like The How of Happiness (there are other good ones) give you concrete ideas with a reasonable degree of science (imperfect science, sure; some of it is neuroscience, but some of it is softer science) and reasoning for the suggestions.

 

Could it honestly hurt to try to take steps to be more positive? What's the downside? Let's say it doesn't work in getting you a date BUT you think less negatively about yourself. Wouldn't that still be better? I don't see how there's any 'lose' there.

 

Or else, provide feedback on the actual questions I'm asking. This thread was not at all about my attitude or my personality. The guy didn't find me attractive, I shouldn't have pursued him, I'll know better than to pursue next time. If people wanted to expand on my wider point-that I'm always second choice-it'd be nice to hear their own experiences with this. Were they their partner's 2nd choice? Do they mind being runner-up? Hell, stop making it so much about my problems!!

 

Well, we don't know if he ever found you attractive or not. He might've thought, "Sure, I'll have drinks with her, she's cute," when you asked and then gotten on the date and thought, "Nah, not for me." Happens every day. We don't really KNOW what happened in his mind and it's fairly irrelevant.

 

If pursuing makes you feel badly about yourself then you should not pursue.

 

But no one in a healthy relationship thinks about 2nd choices and runners ups so there ARE no pertinent answers to those questions; they are just not questions people who have relationship success think about. Nor could anyone really 'know' if they were a runner up, unless it did not work out somehow.

[somedude81]

I know exactly what she needs. But it's not going to come from this forum.

[Professor X]

And I'm sure you include yourself in the 'I gave such helpful advice!' crew. When your 'helpful' advice amounted to saying I was stupid for having an FWB, and asking if I was a transvestite for having a boy nickname.

Nickname?? You introduced yourself with a boys name and you have said countless times that it is the name you prefer. So yes, it did make me wonder, especially since your real name isn't all that bad.

Oh yes, you also threatened to not talk to me if I ever used your real name.

 

And no, I did not say you are transvestite lol, I just pointed it out I find it extremely weird.

 

And as for the helpful crew, I abandoned ship already, I've been there, done that, didn't work, so I left. And yes, I stand by what I said, you were stupid for being FWD for the following reasons: 1. You thought this is the best you could ever accomplish; 2. You liked the guy actually (as in, in a romantic way); 3. You did not stop comparing yourself to that other chick he was just friends with (or more, who knows).

 

It'd be nice if you'd actually show the full pic for once, and for starters, you can show people here how you look, which isn't bad at all. And you've done it before already, so it's not something you should have a problem with.

[FitChick]

Here is a constructive suggestion: move to Mississippi, where they have the fattest people in America. The men will be all over you because you will be the hottest woman there. And you wouldn't have to diet or exercise any more.

[verhrzn]

I'm confused......what exactly is it you want to know about being positive? There are masses of torrents for books/audio/videos about being positive and how to practically cultivate it. If you want some titles I can PM you some that have helped me. There are others that are more geared towards women that I am unaware of, but I'm sure you are capable of finding the stuff you need. They will be more adequate at explaining it than I probably will.

 

I also do not think you are being very realistic, your looks are not your problem at all. If it is not negativity as you so vehemently claim, then I'd like to know what you think could be causing you to think lowly of your appearance so much? I'm genuinely intrigued....

 

I've read books on "thinking positive," and the fact is, they're bull****. They don't hold intellectual water. They're feel-good and superficial. They are the book form of the theory that you should stick your head in the sand. They don't teach you to deal with negativity or reality (unless your reality is perfect), they teach you to stick your fingers in your ears and go "Lalala."

 

Here's the example I always come back to. What if you're a bad person. You're selfish, you're narcissistic, you lack responsibility. Books centered around positive thinking would have you ignore these flaws about yourself. "Focus on the good!" "Tell yourself you're a good person." But... you're not a good person. By focusing on "being positive," you are excusing yourself from actually feeling the consequences of your flaws, and thus wanting to change them.

 

Accepting yourself as you are means you run a serious risk of never feeling the need to improve. Why try to get better-you're already awesome! Why worry about your flaws-you're automatically a good person!

 

Negative thinking can be dangerous, but so can positive thinking, because it doesn't encourage self-reflection or raw honesty. It's easy to be honest about positive stuff. Positive stuff makes us feel good. But sometimes, we have to face unpleasant and difficult truths about ourselves, in order to become better people. There's a really fantastic book," Bright-Sided: How The Relentless Pursuit of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America" that explains it a lot better than I can (though on a social, as opposed to personal, level.)

 

I don't want to be sitting in my 30's, alone, thinking I'm fantastic, if the truth is I have some serious flaw that I'm ignoring (in the name of thinking positively!) that's keeping me from a relationship. I would rather deal with the unpleasant truth of me now, then cultivate some idealistic image that I use to delude myself.

 

And if that unpleasant truth is who I am is unsuited to a relationship, well, better I figure that out now than later.

 

I think lowly of my looks because of my experiences. I'd charge anyone to go through the things I did and feel differently. Because these critiques on my appearance come from other people, people who are not malicious by nature, I take that as evidence that it is NOT my self-perception that is off. If everyone else says the sky is green, then it must be green.

[FitChick]

Zengirl, that endless list is just too much work. How would anyone even get through their day? I tried most of that years ago and it didn't work for me.

 

When you eliminate your negative core beliefs, which are controlling your behavior, feelings and thoughts, the Lefkoe Method automatically and subconsciously changes your thinking. That's why I liked it because I'm a lazy person. It worked so well the very first time that I didn't realize it until months later when I found I wasn't having the same knee-jerk reaction to situations I'd had my entire life. That sudden realization literally stopped me in my tracks for a moment and brought me to tears because if it had been invented when I was young, I'd have had a much happier life.

 

It doesn't cost thousands of dollars because unlike regular therapy you don't go for months (or decades, like Woody Allen).

[ScreamingTrees]

My threads, about my own life, are somehow a "slap to the face"?? Because you're somehow being forced to read them?

 

I WISH I could give up. Notice how as soon as the thread inevitably starts cycling to my "attitude" (which is ALWAYS does, regardless of what I'm asking about) I change my question to "fine, how do I give up?" I've asked that multiple times in this thread, and all I've gotten back are snarky answers like "masturbate" or "well I gave up wanting a unicorn."

 

A lot of posters are NOT helping because they insist on focusing on something that is not the issue. Look back at the first 2 pages of this thread. A few posters said things like "Don't ask guys out." Hmm, yes, that advice does seem like a good idea to avoid this situation in the future. This thread could have easily ended there, but no, back down into the slope of "you're negative" and posters getting on their high horses.

 

I don't reject EVERY post. I reject the ones I disagree with. It just appears that I reject a lot of them because they are almost ALL about the same thing. Since I reject the central tenant (I am not negative, I am realistic, and my looks are a big problem) then it appears I don't listen.

 

The fact is, posters who harp on this same issue over and over no matter what thread I post in, if I mention my personal experience at all are the ones who are not listening. It's extremely hypocritical to say "Well I've given you good advice and you haven't listened!" when you didn't try to understand my question in the first place.

 

But it seems some posters take too big a pleasure into coming into my threads and harping on me, then turning around and criticizing me for the exact same thing.

 

Perhaps those people gave you those extreme answers because you pushed them to the edge? Do you REALLY think that plastic surgery is going to make you more appealing? That seems to be what you're looking for, for total strangers on an internet forum to give the thumbs up on your lingering decision of you going under the knife.

 

Objectively, there is nothing wrong with your face. You are not overweight. What do you plan on changing about your face, specifically?

 

What exactly do you want from us, if you already know what the problem is? I don't understand, we're TRYING to help. I'm not attacking you for feeling the way you do, I just don't understand what could be said to really change the way you're going to live your life and see the world and it's inhabitants.

 

We're not going to tell you simply what you want to hear, which would be that every attractive guy finds you objectively unattractive and that you should opt for some sort of subtle, fruitless change like rhinoplasty or a chin implant or an ear reduction or something ridiculous and pointless in the grand scheme.

 

Some of us probably continue to post despite knowing it's useless because we might actually care about planting the seeds for a positive change in someone out there who really seems like a great person who deserves better than what they're settling for.