So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[somedude81]

If I don't see it, and I don't hear about it, then there's not really a problem. If it's in front of me somehow (I see it, he tells me about it), then my ideal would be for him to wait to hit on me until the next time he sees me. So if he hits on a woman at a party in front of me, then he shouldn't hit on me until the next party.

So are you watching every guy that's talking to a woman to see if he gets shot down or not?

[oaks]

Again, what girl out there wants to be a number in a line that a guy goes down in order to attractiveness?

 

An average girl who wants a good looking guy to ask her out and who will seize the opportunity in a positive way.

[fortyninethousand322]

... And exactly why is it so bad?? Again, what girl out there wants to be a number in a line that a guy goes down in order to attractiveness?

 

Because you make it sound like a contest and you really don't know how guys approach these sorts of things. Whenever I go and chat up women it's usually at random or by physical proximity. Like I'll talk to a girl nearby rather than go all the way across a room for another girl. It's never because girl A was better than girl B.

[blueskyday]

Guys should simply "talk" to PEOPLE, men and women.

 

If I see a guy doing that, then no problem talking to him, whenever that is. He's friendly.

 

But, if I see a guy being cheesy and approaching woman after woman with the whole elevator eye up and down the body and a "How you doin'?" attitude, then I'm not going to talk to him.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Because you make it sound like a contest and you really don't know how guys approach these sorts of things. Whenever I go and chat up women it's usually at random or by physical proximity. Like I'll talk to a girl nearby rather than go all the way across a room for another girl. It's never because girl A was better than girl B.

 

Shoot, this would make a good seperate thread discussion. Hope you don't mind fortynine.

[ThaWholigan]

Guys should simply "talk" to PEOPLE, men and women.

 

If I see a guy doing that, then no problem talking to him, whenever that is. He's friendly.

 

But, if I see a guy being cheesy and approaching woman after woman with the whole elevator eye up and down the body and a "How you doin'?" attitude, then I'm not going to talk to him.

 

A good point, and very accurate with how these things should be approached.

[Lonely Ronin]

... And exactly why is it so bad?? Again, what girl out there wants to be a number in a line that a guy goes down in order to attractiveness?

 

Girl A being more attractive than girl B is only one of many(hundreds probably) reasons girl A could get approached first. Would you like a list of other possible reason?

[verhrzn]

Girl A being more attractive than girl B is only one of many(hundreds probably) reasons girl A could get approached first. Would you like a list of other possible reason?

 

Yeah that'd be great.

[somedude81]

Here's a couple.

 

1: He knows her from somewhere else. Say there is a girl who I often see at the gym but have never talked to her, and I see her at the party, I'll be more likely to talk to her.

 

2: Somebody told him about her. One of my friends points her out, "Hey that's Cindy, she just got out of a relationship."

[aj22one]

verhrzn, you seem to fall guilty of not being able to distinguish the difference between "that which is seen and that which is unseen" as the great Frederic Bastiat put it. You see a guy get rejected by some chick and automatically think "hey he must have thought she was better than me so if he comes to me he's just settling" because that's what you see. But what you don't see if just as important (if not moreso). Maybe he already knew that girl, maybe he didn't like her personality or her voice was weird (or vice versa) or any number of things. Stop worrying about this sorta thing and just go with the flow.

[AD1980]

verhrzn, you seem to fall guilty of not being able to distinguish the difference between "that which is seen and that which is unseen" as the great Frederic Bastiat put it. You see a guy get rejected by some chick and automatically think "hey he must have thought she was better than me so if he comes to me he's just settling" because that's what you see. But what you don't see if just as important (if not moreso). Maybe he already knew that girl, maybe he didn't like her personality or her voice was weird (or vice versa) or any number of things. Stop worrying about this sorta thing and just go with the flow.

 

exactly..stop overanalyzing approaches and intent right away..As a guy id love to be approached once in awhile and shown interest rater then approaching and having to hear nothign but no no no no when i approach

[Lonely Ronin]

Yeah that'd be great.

 

From the other thread, and these are just a few.

 

Off the top of my head I have not approached women who appear normal because:

1. It looked like she didn't want to talk to anyone.

2. It seemed like she was in a hurry.

3. It looked like she was waiting on someone.

4. She was sitting in a group of other women.

5. no chair/stool open close to her

6. she was chatting with someone else

[mtber75]

Eh, maybe it's time you stop asking guys out.

 

It doesn't seem like something that works for you.

 

The main issue with asking out men, is that most will say yes even if he isn't interested in the girl. Few men will turn down what they view as easy sex.

 

This is kinda of over generalization. You are just dating immature men who brings up other women while dating you? Seriously, it goes the other way too, I quickly dismiss the woman if she brings up other dudes! Are you giving the impression that you want to just hang out with them as a friend? Perhaps that's why they bring up other women? You have to be more forward in your intentions. Sorry we're not very good at subtleties!

[LexiB]

...my ideal would be for him to wait to hit on me until the next time he sees me. So if he hits on a woman at a party in front of me, then he shouldn't hit on me until the next party.

 

... And exactly why is it so bad?? Again, what girl out there wants to be a number in a line that a guy goes down in order to attractiveness?

 

I totally understand what you're saying V, but honestly, if your dating situation truly is as dismal as you make it out to be, then this is an awfully petty issue for you to be a stickler about. Outside of a sitch where the guy knowingly hit on someone else first in front of you (as opposed to one when you just happened to witness it), I think you should let it slide.

 

It's simply not logical for you to complain about how unattractive you are, and then have such vain standards as to how someone can approach you. Again, I do understand where you're coming, but surely you can see how the two just don't mesh, yes?

[Leigh 87]

WHAT DO U LOOK LIKE!! Sorry to feed into the pointless, nonscensical side, but u really got me wondering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I have a big nose. I would be a 9 out of ten, if it were not for my hooked nose..... I am about a 6 ot 7 because of it.

 

 

I will feel WAY more confident, with a nose job. To have a nice, small, neat, girly nose.

 

THE THING IS: I am only going through with it, because I KNOW< it will not fix my personality, attitude, and the great strengths I have to my character.

 

IT IS FOR VANITY!!!!!!!!!!!! Myself, I love looking good. I was born with a great shaped body, and I love working out. I LIKE to look good, because it is " FUN".

 

 

However; looking good will not make me of an amazing person. It is purely to gain more self confidence with my looks, so I can have more fun with my body, the physical side. It will not strengthen emotional bonds IO have with people

 

 

 

DO U HONESTLY, truly, feel consmetic preceadures, will make u much mroe attractive, and in turn, make u walk around more confident and positive, which will attract men?

 

 

 

Can I tell u a story?

 

 

 

I was 110 lbs, with a smoking hot body, DD boobs, a huge bubble butt, with a super flat stomach and skinny body. LONG THICK blonde hair, huge eye lashes naturally, and clear, lovely skin. Big blue eyes.

 

 

Unfortunately, I did not grab guys attention, because I was depressive and miserable. I had no friends, social life much, or a job. I was not doing meaningful thigns with my life.

 

 

Once, a guy from a work placement program got my facebook, and of course, called my gorgeous and told me it was SO bizar that I did not smile nmore, because I was gorgeous.

 

He wanted to see me, as I had a stunning body, so I did not need to have a stellar personality, initial, to make him want me. HOWEVER: he soon found out I was socially inept, and freaky, and proceeded to ignore me.

 

 

In the programe, he started paying attention to a lesser attractive girl, because he got alone well with her, and she had a better personality than me.

 

 

These days, I have a good body but nothing special. NOrmal, 130 ish lbs, 5 ' 5, great shape but average body size. I have a bad nose, but am opther wise quiet pretty, but not amazingly beautiful.

 

 

The difference: I attract WAY. WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY mroe men, than I did when I was more physically beautiful, with my sinny body and thicker hair.....

 

 

I like myself more now, and my current boyfriend taught me, that as long asd a guy is ATTRACTED to a girl, it is HOW AMAZING the girl is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

 

 

Truly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U could easily be atractive ENOUGH for a guy; attractive enough for them to enjoy touching. FROM THERE, u can have a guy FALL IN LOVE with you.

 

 

 

U currently hold TOO MUICH NEGATIVITY within you, to EVER come across as a wonderful, kind hearted, great girl. PLEASE learn, that by letting go of the bitterness, u can flourish with men?

 

PEOPLE HERE HAVE TOLD U, that you are ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH, to have a guy want to get to knwo u. NOT flock to u across a room, but attractive ENOUGH to get a guy; I DECENT guy, if u are a great person.

 

 

 

I HATE HATE HATE the fact that I am not super hot. I am just hot. Prob a little better lookingt han you, perhaps, according to your statements.. but I HAVE ACCEPTED that I am not super good looking.

 

For AGES, I held on to SOOO MUCH BITTERNESS, because I just could not accept how nature allowed some girls to be petite, beautiful, and attractive to men, while I WAS NOT anything special.

 

 

I have changed now, and have learnt that if u arelucky enough to be average or at least MINDLY attractive, that if u have a kille rpesonality, U CAN GET MEN.

 

 

YOUR problem, is that u want men to INITIAL find you amazing... SORRY!! but only the 5% of very beautiful women, who are thin, work out heaps, have perfect facial features, and lovely long flowing hair, will GET A GUY TO LUST afte them IMEDIATELY.

 

Being only midly attractivem or heck, even AVERAGE, will NOT stop u, from getting a wonderufl man, if you REALLY work on becoming an amazing person.

 

 

 

INITIAL, guys will not flock to u. HOwever, uc an still find a guy, if u make an efforrt to come across as:

 

( HERE are a list of things, that guys will STILL appreciate about u, even if they do not see u out across the room)

 

- positive attitude!

- genuine smile on the face

- come across as easy to approach, not cold, not seaming like u would shut people down for saying " hi" to u...

- interested and passionate about topics

- some guys like girls who are into travel, and want to broaden their horizons through experiencing other places and cultures ( oposed to girls who have no passion to see the world)

 

 

 

Basiically, guys, and all people fopr that matter, LOVE girls qwho are lovely and positive.

 

 

SURE - there are average or below average girls, who just will have a hard time finding a great mate - because they turn off people, baased on their looks.

 

THE GOOD NEWS - I know people who are bad looking, who have found loving husbands. Sure, the husbands are normally within their league, look wise, but they are amazing husbands, and they are BOTH VERY happy together. AS much as two beautiful people.

 

IT you are average loooking, IT WILL TSKE LONGER to get the attention of an attractive man.

 

U will also have to blow them away with how amazing you are: because they have more options than you, and there are plenty of great griols who are better looking than average.....

 

IT CAN BE DONE though:):)

 

 

 

Being average or only " cute", but not hot... u can easily snag a guy who is also aveage, in your LOOK league....

 

OR, u can wait MUCH longer, and hold out for an attractive man. U will have to IMPROVE YOUR OWN personality, become a better person from the bl00dy negative mess you are now, and U CAN find a good looking husband or boyfgriend...

[LexiB]

verhrzn, you seem to fall guilty of not being able to distinguish the difference between "that which is seen and that which is unseen" as the great Frederic Bastiat put it. You see a guy get rejected by some chick and automatically think "hey he must have thought she was better than me so if he comes to me he's just settling" because that's what you see. But what you don't see if just as important (if not moreso). Maybe he already knew that girl, maybe he didn't like her personality or her voice was weird (or vice versa) or any number of things. Stop worrying about this sorta thing and just go with the flow.

 

 

Absolutely.

[verhrzn]

I totally understand what you're saying V, but honestly, if your dating situation truly is as dismal as you make it out to be, then this is an awfully petty issue for you to be a stickler about. Outside of a sitch where the guy knowingly hit on someone else first in front of you (as opposed to one when you just happened to witness it), I think you should let it slide.

 

It's simply not logical for you to complain about how unattractive you are, and then have such vain standards as to how someone can approach you. Again, I do understand where you're coming, but surely you can see how the two just don't mesh, yes?

 

Well, it's a hypothetical, first off, because I've never been approached at a party. My usual scenario is I see it, and somehow the guy and I get together down the line some other way (usually I pursue him.) But there have been a few guys I found attractive that, when I saw them hitting on other girls, gave up the idea of approaching them because I figured, why bother.

 

Why do you think it's petty or vain to want to be special? Are you saying because I'm desperate I should be happy that he's picking me at all, even if it's as last resort?

[Lonely Ronin]

Why do you think it's petty or vain to want to be special? Are you saying because I'm desperate I should be happy that he's picking me at all, even if it's as last resort?

 

I believe what she is trying to say is if you are as hideous as you keep telling us you are, then your I must be #1 mentality is not realistic. If you're as ugly as you say you are, then you're never going to be a #1. You don't know your the last resort, all you know is your not #1. You could easily be #2 on a list of 10.

[xxoo]

Why do you think it's petty or vain to want to be special?

 

What is special about being hit on because you are the hottest? If that's all there is between them (he likes the way she looks, but doesn't like her), then she is the one who will be dumped when he can get someone hotter yet.

 

Special is being chosen, even though you aren't the hottest. When a man gets to know you and really wants you (not just your package), you don't need to worry about him leaving you for someone hotter.

[xxoo]

Should we test this? Should I start a thread asking how many guys out there didn't notice/wasn't attracted/ignored their girlfriend at first, went for somebody else, got rejected, went back to their girlfriend, and are now in happy, satisfied relationships? I'm pretty sure ALL of the guys are gonna say there was something attractive about their girlfriend right off the bat, which is why they focused on her.

 

We should test it. But you have to use more fair wording than this. Very few would relate to this specific scenario.

 

And of course all will say there was something attractive about their girlfriend right off the bat. But a man can find something attractive about every girl in a room, even if there are 50 girls in the room.

 

How about this for a fair question:

 

How many guys asked out their girlfriend, even though they didn't consider her the hottest, and are now in happy, satisfied relationships?

[verhrzn]

We should test it. But you have to use more fair wording than this. Very few would relate to this specific scenario.

 

And of course all will say there was something attractive about their girlfriend right off the bat. But a man can find something attractive about every girl in a room, even if there are 50 girls in the room.

 

How about this for a fair question:

 

How many guys asked out their girlfriend, even though they didn't consider her the hottest, and are now in happy, satisfied relationships?

 

To be pertinent to my point, it'd have to be "How many guys asked out their girlfriends, after hitting on someone who they considered more attractive and getting rejected, and are now in happy, satisfied relationships?"

 

The point is not that there was some hotter girl somewhere in existence. It's that the guy ignored his current girlfriend in favor of the hotter girl right off the bat.

[LexiB]

I believe what she is trying to say is if you are as hideous as you keep telling us you are, then your I must be #1 mentality is not realistic. If you're as ugly as you say you are, then you're never going to be a #1. You don't know your the last resort, all you know is your not #1. You could easily be #2 on a list of 10.

 

Thanks.

[zengirl]

V,

 

Read Leigh's story. I can say though my own story is not so filled with the same kind of internal ups and downs, I did not attract the most men when I was at my prettiest either. It was when I was happiest with myself. I know dozens of women with the same story.

 

Guys should simply "talk" to PEOPLE, men and women.

 

If I see a guy doing that, then no problem talking to him, whenever that is. He's friendly.

 

But, if I see a guy being cheesy and approaching woman after woman with the whole elevator eye up and down the body and a "How you doin'?" attitude, then I'm not going to talk to him.

 

Right!

 

I know some posters on LS disagree, but, honestly, my social experience is that most dates and relationships don't emerge from being 'targeted' in some way but rather through socializing and conversation. Sure, some guys will come up because they hope a gal is single, but the ones that are really BF material aren't coming up with lines-a-blazin' or anything. They're just being sociable. And, honestly, most guys who are actually looking to DATE someone are going to talk to the person a bit first (unless they're desperate), no matter how hot she is, to see if there's any chance for a connection or if she could even hold their attention for the length of dinner. A guy who's just looking to get laid might not do that, a guy who's desperate and just wants to go out with someone (ANYONE!) might not do that, but most guys who are looking for actual dates look for some measure of connection beyond just, "She's hot." I'm not trying to say men don't like attractive women; of course, they do! But men don't like tedious dates either, and hotness does not dispel tediousness for most men who are really dating material.

 

What is special about being hit on because you are the hottest? If that's all there is between them (he likes the way she looks, but doesn't like her), then she is the one who will be dumped when he can get someone hotter yet.

 

Special is being chosen, even though you aren't the hottest. When a man gets to know you and really wants you (not just your package), you don't need to worry about him leaving you for someone hotter.

 

Yes. What happens when that hot girl gets older and less hot? If hotness is the main criteria in a relationship, it WILL fail. I'd take that bet any time.

[verhrzn]

I know some posters on LS disagree, but, honestly, my social experience is that most dates and relationships don't emerge from being 'targeted' in some way but rather through socializing and conversation. Sure, some guys will come up because they hope a gal is single, but the ones that are really BF material aren't coming up with lines-a-blazin' or anything. They're just being sociable. And, honestly, most guys who are actually looking to DATE someone are going to talk to the person a bit first (unless they're desperate), no matter how hot she is, to see if there's any chance for a connection or if she could even hold their attention for the length of dinner. A guy who's just looking to get laid might not do that, a guy who's desperate and just wants to go out with someone (ANYONE!) might not do that, but most guys who are looking for actual dates look for some measure of connection beyond just, "She's hot." I'm not trying to say men don't like attractive women; of course, they do! But men don't like tedious dates either, and hotness does not dispel tediousness for most men who are really dating material.

 

Except I've been saying for the last few posts that I KNOW it isn't all about hotness, but that physical attraction needs to be there. So my only hope as an unattractive person would be crossing my fingers that all the hot girls have awful personalities.

 

Also, on my way home from work I stopped at a bookstore and pursued the intro of "Tao of Dating." Couple of questions off the top of my head:

 

-Mindset of Abundance. This doesn't make sense to me from a practical standpoint. Statistics show us that there actually isn't "enough to go around." As a population ages, the axis tips more and more towards being female-heavy. By old age, there are many more women than men. If you then also take into account how many of those men are married, you come out with a calculation that there ARE less single men than single women. So the abundance mentality is, right off the bat, incorrect. There isn't enough to go around for everybody. How do you make sense of this?

 

-Feminine/Masculine energy. This... bothers me, because I've always been told I have more masculine traits than feminine. I have never been in touch with my "female wiles," because I'm pretty sure I don't have them. Is this going to be another book that instructs me to "be a lady"? And "tap into my natural maternal and gentle instincts"?

[zengirl]

Except I've been saying for the last few posts that I KNOW it isn't all about hotness, but that physical attraction needs to be there. So my only hope as an unattractive person would be crossing my fingers that all the hot girls have awful personalities.

 

Except that many people have said you're not unattractive. Except that many people have said a hot girl doesn't have to be 'awful' to be rejected by someone and not be right for them. Except people have pointed out that physical attraction CAN be there even if they've previously approached and been rejected by someone, even someone 'hotter.'

 

So, no one has -- at ANY point -- disputed that someone needs to be attracted to you for a relationship to work.

 

It's just that this "Oh, no, he like/talked to/noticed someone else before me!" doesn't somehow preclude him being attracted to you!

 

Also, on my way home from work I stopped at a bookstore and pursued the intro of "Tao of Dating." Couple of questions off the top of my head:

 

Sure. Shoot.

 

-Mindset of Abundance. This doesn't make sense to me from a practical standpoint. Statistics show us that there actually isn't "enough to go around." As a population ages, the axis tips more and more towards being female-heavy. By old age, there are many more women than men. If you then also take into account how many of those men are married, you come out with a calculation that there ARE less single men than single women. So the abundance mentality is, right off the bat, incorrect. There isn't enough to go around for everybody. How do you make sense of this?

 

First of all, the statistics. . . By old age? Yes, men start dying first, but you're 26. The men who start dying first are mostly married by the time they're that old anyway. I believe, based on recent census data, that in the United States right now there are MORE single men in your age bracket than women. So, if you're going to interpret data, at least look at RELEVANT data. Geez.

 

Second of all, the abundance mentality is not about numbers and statistics. Honestly, there are two ways to do anything: with love/hope/abundance or with fear/negativity/scarcity. It's a choice. You can choose to believe that there is enough, that we do not need to worry and compete and fuss about resources or love or anything, and that everything you need is out there. OR you can choose to believe that life is all scraping and fighting and worrying about having enough. But it is a choice.

 

The idea of abundance is CHOOSING to believe there is enough and relaxing into the world and accepting happiness. The fact that you're using bizarre statistics (that take aging into account! Geez, you're 26!) to prove your negativity says you are going to the extreme other side. I'm not suggesting anyone be extreme.

 

For instance, another poster, iris (hope she doesn't mind the example), lives in a very small town and I believe her dating options are actually quite limited where she lives; this makes sense. While there is probably someone out there, in the world, for iris, I can understand her frustration and even agree that she may not find that someone AND get to stay where she is. We make choices in life, and we cannot have everything. That's just true. It doesn't mean there isn't plenty. It just means we have to own our choices.

 

But I do not think there is ANY harm -- not one iota -- in choosing to feel that there is plenty in the world. And, truly, there is. What comes from worrying about not having enough (whether it's men or money or whatever)? Usually, unhappiness. That's not to say I'd suggest doing nothing or not taking the actions you need to take to get your positive outcome, but worrying about "enough" doesn't work.

 

-Feminine/Masculine energy. This... bothers me, because I've always been told I have more masculine traits than feminine. I have never been in touch with my "female wiles," because I'm pretty sure I don't have them. Is this going to be another book that instructs me to "be a lady"? And "tap into my natural maternal and gentle instincts"?

 

Yes, and no. In this case, it's more about yin (feminine/receiving) and yang (masculine/creating). It's not a Miss Manners ladylike type thing he means; it's literally energy.