So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[xxoo]

How is not a thing at all? He could have pursued me, and he choose her instead.... and made a connection with me only after he got rejected.

 

So he was initially more attracted to her. So what?

 

Do you need to be the hottest girl in the room to be a great catch?

 

NO!

[ditzchic]

The way I see it, unless you and your date have absolutely NO dating history, you can always twist it in your mind to make it seem like you're a consolation prize.

 

If any of his/her previous relationships worked out, or any of yours had, you wouldn't be on a date together.

 

That's a messed up way to look at it though. Everyone has a history. Most people move on from their history. Why dwell on it? It is what it is.

 

That being said, this guy sounds like a real jerk who is either extremely insensitive or just has a complete lack of social skills. There are things best left unsaid and everyone should know that. There was no need to say that to you and you should be happy that he did. It made the job of weeding the weirdo out that much easier. If you get into a relationship with an insensitive guy with diarrhea of the mouth and a poor filter of the mouth it's usually never a fulfilling relationship.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Verhrzn, I don't think this is a matter of you being second choice. It sounds like you did like him more then he liked you. I don't thing he really lead you on. He might have enjoyed his time talking to you at the party, but he would have asked for your number if he had been really interested. You found him online and he met up with you, that's kind of cool. He could have ignored you or not want to go out all. So I think he just saw you as a buddy.

 

Until midway through, he suddenly mentions how he and another girl had hooked up at the party. He made some joke about he should have figured out that the hot ones are always trouble, because it turned out she wasn't that interested in him.

 

Yes, this was incredibly stupid and insensitive on his part. But look at what he said, she wasn't interested in him. He is only trying to save face with the whole 'the how ones are always trouble" routine. I've seen a lot of guys play things this way to save their ego from being rejected by an otherwise normal girl. You also do not know what this girl looks like. Maybe she was hotter, maybe she wasn't.

 

Either way, he's thick in the head and he didn't treat you like a lady and he probably doesn't really know how to treat a woman like a lady which might be the reason the other girl blew him off. You simply don't know.

 

Have you guys talked since at all?

[PlumPrincess]

A few weeks ago I met a guy at a party, and I thought we hit it off well. We didn't exchange numbers (he didn't ask, and I thought it would seem desperate to either give him mine or ask for his), but a few days later I friended him. We chatted a little bit, and then I asked him to drinks, which he agreed to.

 

Last Saturday is when we went out for drinks, and I thought he seemed very flirty, and that everything was going well.... Until midway through, he suddenly mentions how he and another girl had hooked up at the party. He made some joke about he should have figured out that the hot ones are always trouble, because it turned out she wasn't that interested in him.

 

I just sat there, stunned. This is the third time this has happened to me-I ask a guy out, and it turns out he's only going out with me because the girl he really likes rejected him. The implicit comment also being that I'm "safe" because I'm not a hot girl also really stings.

 

Why does this keep happening? In my dating life, it always seems like I end up as 2nd place, the consolation prize, the "safe, nice" girl who guys only bother with when there's no one else they'd rather bang.

 

I feel so angry and frustrated right now. As if dating isn't hard enough, the only guys who are "interested" are interested only because they've exhausted their options.

 

Is this just my lot in life? How would I even go about changing it, since I'm not aware it happens until the first few dates, or in a few cases, months into a relationship? It's happened so frequently that at this point, I feel like I just have to accept that I'm gonna be the Safety School Girlfriend forever.

I think he did what a girl would have done if a guy she likes, but doesn't want to date, asks her out. He met up with you, because he thinks you're a nice person and he mentioned the other girl to make sure that you understand that the whole situation between him and you doesn't look like a date.

[Ariadne]

He knew that was rude...used this line as a way to get rid of you.

 

I agree with this.

 

He said this half way through the date, by then it was probably the kiss of death.

[verhrzn]

I would agree, but evidently every. single. guy that OP deals with always tells her how badly she compares wit other women, and also stuff like she's ugly. So she either tries very hard to find guys who will be completely uncouth, or,as I suspect, she needles and tortures them about their opinions of other women compared to her until she yields results such as this.

 

It's a combination. Usually a bf will offer up something like this guy's comment, so I nettle him further. Sometimes a guy offers something like this, and I run fleeing in the other direction, at which point my friends yell at me for being too "harsh" and insecure.

 

And frankly, what's so bad about nettling a guy to find out he isn't that into me? Isn't it better to find out early that he's not into me, and how he sees me as compared to other women, then months into the relationship? (Like has happened to me previously.)

 

So he was initially more attracted to her. So what?

 

Do you need to be the hottest girl in the room to be a great catch?

 

NO!

 

Um, obviously I do need to be, since the guys I keep running into make it clear I'm NOT the catch they wanted initially... I'm just the one they can get, and thus settle on.

 

 

I think he did what a girl would have done if a guy she likes, but doesn't want to date, asks her out. He met up with you, because he thinks you're a nice person and he mentioned the other girl to make sure that you understand that the whole situation between him and you doesn't look like a date.

 

Makes sense of this particular guy (wish he'd just turned me down, then) but then how do I process when boyfriends do this? The majority of my boyfriends have made similar comments months into dating me.

 

Maybe it's just that no guys like me. That seems to be what's coming out of this thread... that even if they don't me, they don't like me if I wasn't who they went for first. Which reinforces my question in my original post, that I have to either accept this as my lot in life (that I'm the one guys "settle" for out of boredom/desperation), or be alone.

Edited February 13, 2012 by verhrzn

[PlumPrincess]

Ok, I just read that he hooked up at the same party. I understood first that he had told you about some girl he had met the other day. Well, I guess, that's kind of a bad strategy to let someone know you're not interested in them. I also wonder if it was very clear that you wanted a real date with him. If it wasn't a real date where it was clear that you wanted to get to know him to see if there was a potential for a relationship, then he might have just taken the easiest solution to make sure that the situation between you and him would not be misunderstood.

[MrNate 2.0]

Miss me everyone?

 

Ah, well my advice would be a little different from everyone here.

 

It's clear that you want to be virtually lusted after. Hell, I'm sure everyone wants to feel like that to a degree.

 

What I would say is just...become hot. It seems like you really want that part of you satisfied, so I would just go ahead and do it. I think then you'll get the results you're looking for.

[xxoo]

And frankly, what's so bad about nettling a guy to find out he isn't that into me? Isn't it better to find out early that he's not into me, and how he sees me as compared to other women, then months into the relationship? (Like has happened to me previously.)

 

It prevents a guy from becoming into you. It prevents them from seeing the best part of you, and falling in love.

 

Some people have the looks that attract from the onset. Good for them.

 

The rest of us normal people get to know each other, feel chemistry, develop attraction, and fall in love. It doesn't mean that we've settled. Love makes a person look absurdly magnificent in our eyes.

[zengirl]

Okay, as to this guy---it doesn't sound like he really felt like y'all were hitting it off (unless he is VERY socially awkward and just doesn't know better) because he mentioned another girl and referred to hooking up with her and her physical attractiveness. This could very easily be his way of hinting how the date was going, which is human nature. I don't think it has to do with being a 'consolation prize' as he probably went into the date giving it an honest shot. He just wasn't feeling it, so he brought that up as a social hint. That's MY read; lord knows I could be wrong, but that's what I'd take away.

 

I base this on several beliefs I've developed from my dating experiences:

 

(1) Men don't go out on dates with girls they are sure they're not attracted to. Thus, he found you pretty enough to go out with.

 

(2) People don't generally discuss hookups on a first date if they want the date to go anywhere.

 

Though he may still have been into NSA sex with you because there are some guys who will have NSA sex with anyone. But he was trying to tell you he wasn't into you with the hookup talk, assuming he brought it up and he's not majorly socially unaware.

 

You focus and fixate so much on your appearance, but if a guy is going to meet you for drinks after seeing you, it's probably not your appearance that is the problem. The difference between who guys bang and who guys truly date usually doesn't come down to appearance -- unless we're talking supermodel hot, and even then not necessarily -- but rather awesomeness, which is made up of so much more. That's my experience; YMMV.

 

I agree. Stop asking men out. There lies your problem.

 

Oh, phooey. Plenty of women ask men out and do just fine. I asked Hubby out, and he was plenty into me. Though, maybe this:

 

But maybe for the OP, asking a guy out is a set-up for failure all the way around. She will always go back to the pattern of thinking that he certainly could not have been "that into her" or he would have asked her out before she could have asked him out.

 

So maybe for her, it's not a good move.

 

I can see that. If she has an issue with asking a guy out and thinks it indicates a lack of interest, then it becomes an issue and just piles on to her insecurity.

 

It's a combination. Usually a bf will offer up something like this guy's comment, so I nettle him further. Sometimes a guy offers something like this, and I run fleeing in the other direction, at which point my friends yell at me for being too "harsh" and insecure.

 

And frankly, what's so bad about nettling a guy to find out he isn't that into me? Isn't it better to find out early that he's not into me, and how he sees me as compared to other women, then months into the relationship? (Like has happened to me previously.)

 

Well, for one: awesome girlfriends (and potential girlfriends) are not the nettling type. They just aren't. People, in general, don't like to be nagged or nettled, and men in relationships or dating ESPECIALLY watch out for nagging, nettling, and especially those which come from places of insecurity. That's just really unattractive to most men I know!

 

Also, seeing it all as a comparison is missing the point. The idea when you like someone is to try to grow a connection between you two, not to try and find out where your first impression ranked.

 

I think it's GOOD to listen and consider what people say without prompting, but nettling is just bad news. If the guy in the OP description mentioned his hookup with the hot girl without any prompting, then he's not into you. If you somehow orchestrated the discussion, then it's another matter---no hope left in it, but it wasn't his lack of interest that was the issue.

[verhrzn]

It prevents a guy from becoming into you. It prevents them from seeing the best part of you, and falling in love.

 

Some people have the looks that attract from the onset. Good for them.

 

The rest of us normal people get to know each other, feel chemistry, develop attraction, and fall in love. It doesn't mean that we've settled. Love makes a person look absurdly magnificent in our eyes.

 

So it's better to find out months later he was never into me when he dumps me for someone hotter?

[ditzchic]

So it's better to find out months later he was never into me when he dumps me for someone hotter?

 

I don't think many guys wait for months to dump you. Maybe a month tops. But if you're into him and don't get crazy girl invested in him that quick, no harm no foul, right?

[verhrzn]

I don't think many guys wait for months to dump you. Maybe a month tops. But if you're into him and don't get crazy girl invested in him that quick, no harm no foul, right?

 

Two of my boyfriends have done it after 4-6 months. If I'd hit the road when they first started mentioning how I ranked, I would have saved myself most of those months.

[PlumPrincess]

Was it clear that it was a date or did you just have a friendly chat with him and then suggested drinks?

 

It's possible that I have mentioned other guys to a guy I considered a friend to make sure he understood that we were just buddies, just in case.

[turt]

So it's better to find out months later he was never into me when he dumps me for someone hotter?

 

If he's not into you, why would he stay with you for months? Stop worrying about your potentials being more physically attracted to others. Of course they are! A relationship is never going to last if you only base it off attractiveness. Remember what he said...

[zengirl]

So it's better to find out months later he was never into me when he dumps me for someone hotter?

 

Two of my boyfriends have done it after 4-6 months. If I'd hit the road when they first started mentioning how I ranked, I would have saved myself most of those months.

 

They didn't dump you over your looks then, whether they said that or not. When dumping a person, many, many, many people have 1,000 reasons for dumping the person they've come up with, but the real reason is: They don't want to date you anymore. When you don't want to date someone anymore, all you see are flaws. Honestly.

 

Most men don't go out with women they find unattractive for MONTHS. They just don't.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Only a guy who really feels like he himself is "bottom of the barrel" is going to stick around much after early "nettling." I'm sure as you get started with your torture and get more and more into it to "prove" to yourself how he wasn't "that into you" … he is losing interest and thinking about how to flee himself.

 

You probably operate on dates much as you do here on LS. More often than not, you end up at the bottom of your own manufactured downward spiral of reinforcement of all your negative thoughts - and all by yourself there.

[serial muse]

Also, seeing it all as a comparison is missing the point. The idea when you like someone is to try to grow a connection between you two, not to try and find out where your first impression ranked.

 

Wow, quoted for truth. It's so easy to get into the quicksand of comparisons and once you're in the nettling phase you just keep sinking deeper. (That's "you" in the general you, meaning "me". )

 

But what zengirl said is really, really true. At the start of any date, you've got your foot in the door. From a potential standpoint, that's all you need. There's always potential of some kind.

 

Not to beat an old cliche to death, but no one goes into a job application asking whether there's someone else more impressive coming in; you show why you're the best for the job.

 

I also agree with those who said it seems likely that he did find you attractive, and that's why he went on the date. But it was while on the date that he decided it wasn't right. It was a bonehead thing he said, but it does sound like the sort of thing someone says to indicate a lack of interest without coming out and saying it.

 

Just not a good match for you, that's all.

[ditzchic]

Two of my boyfriends have done it after 4-6 months. If I'd hit the road when they first started mentioning how I ranked, I would have saved myself most of those months.

 

Seems like you have a problem with dating asshats. Don't feel bad, so do I.

 

When a guy starts showing you that he isn't interested, by all means, gtfo. But you don't have to press him for info from the beginning to guage his interest. Let him show it to you how he feels he should. If you don't like what you're seeing... bolt.

[Untouchable_Fire]

A few weeks ago I met a guy at a party, and I thought we hit it off well. We didn't exchange numbers (he didn't ask, and I thought it would seem desperate to either give him mine or ask for his), but a few days later I friended him. We chatted a little bit, and then I asked him to drinks, which he agreed to.

Last Saturday is when we went out for drinks, and I thought he seemed very flirty, and that everything was going well.... Until midway through, he suddenly mentions how he and another girl had hooked up at the party. He made some joke about he should have figured out that the hot ones are always trouble, because it turned out she wasn't that interested in him.

I just sat there, stunned. This is the third time this has happened to me-I ask a guy out, and it turns out he's only going out with me because the girl he really likes rejected him. The implicit comment also being that I'm "safe" because I'm not a hot girl also really stings.

Why does this keep happening?

 

First... the guy is a bit of a nard for saying that... but I don't think you should be freaking out because of it.

 

Look... you had pictures up at one point and you are cute. You might not have the look of a girl every guy drools over, but so what? You are looking for some guy to fix your attractiveness insecurity. It ain't gonna happen. You have to fix this yourself, you can't expect a guy to fix this for you.

 

Second, asking guys out isn't a bad idea. Most women just have no idea how to do it. Stop asking out the guys YOU are interested in and start asking out the guys that are interested in YOU. If you can't tell the difference then learn how or stop being aggressive.

 

Finally, Nobody can really tell if this guy is really interested in you based on that one story. He could be trying to impress you in a messed up way, not realizing how crazy insecure you are. I have tons of guy friends that are not great looking and get almost no play with women. I gained 40 pounds a few years ago and got treated like dog**** until I hit the gym and lost it. Solution... Get over it!

[LexiB]

I think he did what a girl would have done if a guy she likes, but doesn't want to date, asks her out. He met up with you, because he thinks you're a nice person and he mentioned the other girl to make sure that you understand that the whole situation between him and you doesn't look like a date.

 

 

This. That guy didn't view you as a 'consolation prize'; he just wasn't romantically interested in you...at all. It has nothing to do with you playing second fiddle to the girl he really wanted and everything to do with you not *playing* in the first place.

 

Obviously it sucks since you were hoping for more, but I wouldn't take this one personally.

[verhrzn]

Only a guy who really feels like he himself is "bottom of the barrel" is going to stick around much after early "nettling." I'm sure as you get started with your torture and get more and more into it to "prove" to yourself how he wasn't "that into you" … he is losing interest and thinking about how to flee himself.

 

You probably operate on dates much as you do here on LS. More often than not, you end up at the bottom of your own manufactured downward spiral of reinforcement of all your negative thoughts - and all by yourself there.

 

Except I said I nettle only when the guy has already said something. If he makes a comment like the guy did on the date, it's clearly a "I'm not into you," as other people are pointing out. But they almost never have the stones to break up with me after it. So isn't nettling better than waiting around and having THEM torture me?

[ditzchic]

Except I said I nettle only when the guy has already said something. If he makes a comment like the guy did on the date, it's clearly a "I'm not into you," as other people are pointing out. But they almost never have the stones to break up with me after it. So isn't nettling better than waiting around and having THEM torture me?

 

or....

 

You could just walk?

 

Why would you even want to be with someone that you are pretty sure isn't into you?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Except I said I nettle only when the guy has already said something. If he makes a comment like the guy did on the date, it's clearly a "I'm not into you," as other people are pointing out. But they almost never have the stones to break up with me after it. So isn't nettling better than waiting around and having THEM torture me?

 

Well, I guess all I can say is, "whatever works for you." From my perspective, your methods are not successful and sound very unhappy, but you seem tremendously attached to going ahead just as you always have. So, carry on.

[verhrzn]

or....

 

You could just walk?

 

Why would you even want to be with someone that you are pretty sure isn't into you?

 

Because I get told it's my insecurity. That I'm being paranoid, that he just "made a dumb comment" and it didn't mean anything. Because I'm NOT sure he isn't into me (or if I'm being too paranoid) UNTIL I nettle him further, so I can get the full story.

 

Second, asking guys out isn't a bad idea. Most women just have no idea how to do it. Stop asking out the guys YOU are interested in and start asking out the guys that are interested in YOU. If you can't tell the difference then learn how or stop being aggressive.

 

And if there are no guys interested in me? That's WHY I ask guys out... because no guys show any interest in me!