So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[verhrzn]

Somedude, do both of you a big favor and reach out to her. I know she is not your usual type, but she is super cute with amazing boobs and a great figure. I think she's really smart, too.

 

Yay, another guy who dates me because he's desperate and can't get the girl he actually wants.

 

I find it hilarious that you mock my problems, and then actively encourage a situation that is exactly like the problem I'm currently experiencing.

[ditzchic]

Because THEY may know they don't like me, but I don't know it! That's my whole point... I nettle when I don't know for sure. If I DO know for sure, I don't bother.

 

I nettle in situations where a guy is supposedly acting in all the ways he should, but he also makes comments or there are little signs (no big red flags, just small "Hmm" things) that seems suspect. So I nettle, and usually find out it's a thread of a whole tapestry of "he doesn't really like me."

 

If a guy clearly doesn't like me, then it makes even less sense why I would try to convince to find me attractive.

 

So what you're saying is.... 90ish% of the time when you've nettled, you've come to find out that your suspicions were spot on and the guys weren't into you?

 

That's a pretty good track record.

 

How bout instead of nettling whenever you get the urge to do it realize what that means and avoid all the BS in between. Just go.

 

If you're wrong and the guy was genuinely interested in you, he'll let that be known. If you never hear from him again, you were right and you just saved yourself a whole lot of face.

[verhrzn]

So what you're saying is.... 90ish% of the time when you've nettled, you've come to find out that your suspicions were spot on and the guys weren't into you?

 

That's a pretty good track record.

 

How bout instead of nettling whenever you get the urge to do it realize what that means and avoid all the BS in between. Just go.

 

If you're wrong and the guy was genuinely interested in you, he'll let that be known. If you never hear from him again, you were right and you just saved yourself a whole lot of face.

 

Yeah, I should just go. I haven't in the past because then I have to deal with the guy going around telling everyone that I'm the reason the relationship failed, and my friends berate me as being insecure/paranoid/dramatic.

[somedude81]

I have read your threads and seen some pictures you posted; I think they were blondes. Whatever. V is very cute. Everybody (except her) thinks so.

Of the 15 girls that I've had strong feelings for, only six were blonde. Hair color doesn't really matter. I'm much more interested in personality, interests, hobbies....and boobs are always nice

 

What I find funny is that V hasn't responded to a single thing I've posted in this thread so I think she has me on ignore for some reason. And now she's talking about me.

 

Mme. Chaucer, can you tell V that I say "Hi" Thanks

[oaks]

Because THEY may know they don't like me, but I don't know it! That's my whole point... I nettle when I don't know for sure. If I DO know for sure, I don't bother.

 

So, also, they might like you and you don't know. Your glass really is half empty, isn't it? Now that you've been told that nettling is unattractive I'm sure you'll do better next time (ie, you won't do it).

 

I nettle in situations where a guy is supposedly acting in all the ways he should, but he also makes comments or there are little signs (no big red flags, just small "Hmm" things) that seems suspect. So I nettle, and usually find out it's a thread of a whole tapestry of "he doesn't really like me."

 

If a guy clearly doesn't like me, then it makes even less sense why I would try to convince to find me attractive.

 

Well, I thought the situation was that it wasn't clear, as per the first part of this post. If it's not clear then don't do something that will help him make up his mind against you, because that would be stupid, and if it is clear then don't waste your time, because that would be stupid. You're not stupid, so I'm sure we now agree with each other that nettling isn't helpful to the cause of you getting into a relationship. Yes?

[FitChick]

I agree. Stop asking men out. There lies your problem.

 

Totally agree with this.

[somedude81]

Totally agree with this.

Hey, I said that first!

 

Another woman who's not seeing me.

 

At least silvermercy saw me, since she's the one who she was agreeing with...

[verhrzn]

Of the 15 girls that I've had strong feelings for, only six were blonde. Hair color doesn't really matter. I'm much more interested in personality, interests, hobbies....and boobs are always nice

 

What I find funny is that V hasn't responded to a single thing I've posted in this thread so I think she has me on ignore for some reason. And now she's talking about me.

 

Mme. Chaucer, can you tell V that I say "Hi" Thanks

 

I don't have you on ignore. What exactly am I supposed to say? I've already agreed that asking out guys is dumb. What good would it do to point out the sheer irony that you are one of the male posters constantly complaining about how girls don't take the initiative, and that all girls get hit on constantly and if they don't, big deal, they can always just ask out guys.

 

 

Well, I thought the situation was that it wasn't clear, as per the first part of this post. If it's not clear then don't do something that will help him make up his mind against you, because that would be stupid, and if it is clear then don't waste your time, because that would be stupid. You're not stupid, so I'm sure we now agree with each other that nettling isn't helpful to the cause of you getting into a relationship. Yes?

 

And if it isn't clear... then how do I protect myself from getting into a relationship with a guy who isn't that into me? Nettling was a way to MAKE it clear that I should run. If I don't nettle, how do I avoid that outcome?

[oaks]

And if it isn't clear... then how do I protect myself from getting into a relationship with a guy who isn't that into me? Nettling was a way to MAKE it clear that I should run. If I don't nettle, how do I avoid that outcome?

 

You asked a few posts ago about how to be proactive about judging interest, and I replied with a specific answer to that. Others have suggested other (more passive) ways to judge interest by observing his actions. I know this thread is moving fast, so maybe you haven't read all of those yet, but I think this has been answered.

 

Can you really not tell if a guy likes you without nettling him?

[somedude81]

Bah, can't edit my post and now it looks all bad. With mercy looking like she's agreeing with herself, stupid forum.

 

Hi V!

 

Please, point out the irony. If you haven't been able to tell, I've been trying to be an active participant in your thread and you kept talking around me, not giving me a chance to go into further detail.

 

Right now you are misinterpreting what I've been saying. I have never said that women should ask men out. Men will accept a date from a woman if he thinks she's easy or if he's desperate.

 

I've mentioned a few times the girl that I had a "relationship" with who was obese. My desperation at the time was the reason I went out with her. But I wasn't desperate enough to pursue her. Meaning, if she didn't ask me out, I wouldn't have.

 

So instead of asking out guys a woman should flirt and convey interest, making him want to pursue her.

 

This may seem like a stupid question, but do you know how to convey interest so that a man can understand what you want without going overboard?

[Mme. Chaucer]

SOME PEOPLE GROW TO LIKE AND EVEN LOVE A PERSON OVER A PERIOD OF TIME WITH GOOD EXPERIENCES WITH THAT PERSON.

 

I get that having good experiences seems to be anathema to you, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

 

P.S. Somedude seems like he likes you, even though he's had fantasies of girls who look differently from you.

[xxoo]

Giving me a chance only because I was his runner-up choice. How romantic.

 

Basically, you aren't going to be happy unless he was instantly attracted to you, more than anyone else in the room.

 

Reality check: that might not happen for you.

 

You could still find true love, and deep attraction (deeper than first impressions), but you won't if you aren't open to it.

[Eddie Edirol]

Hey Verz, theres nothing wrong with asking guys out, but BEFORE you do so, you need to learn to determine if they are actually into you. That takes practice - i.o., talking to more guys and watching their behavior towards you.

BTW, have you already improved your outward appearance to attract guys to you? more sexy, different look? If not, You cant expect the world around you to change for your convenience if you dont change first.

[musemaj11]

Eh, maybe it's time you stop asking guys out.

 

It doesn't seem like something that works for you.

 

The main issue with asking out men, is that most will say yes even if he isn't interested in the girl. Few men will turn down what they view as easy sex.

I have to say that this is a rather foolish conclusion.

 

I mean do you realize that what happens to OP also happens a lot to guys? Tons of beautiful girls settle with average guys because the hot guys are jerks who can't give them their loyalty and full attention. The only difference is that most guys dont care if the hot girls settle with them as long as they get to have hot girls!

 

The fact that OP said that the guys that she asked out stuck around for months means that they are not with her just for sex. Besides, just because a guy asks a woman out, doesnt mean she is his top target. It might be that he already tried the other girls that he actually wanted with no success and he in the end was left with those at the bottom of his list.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Because I get told it's my insecurity. That I'm being paranoid, that he just "made a dumb comment" and it didn't mean anything. Because I'm NOT sure he isn't into me (or if I'm being too paranoid) UNTIL I nettle him further, so I can get the full story.

 

And if there are no guys interested in me? That's WHY I ask guys out... because no guys show any interest in me!

 

Bull, you just can't believe that a guy would actually like you. It's part of your armor. Keeps you nice and safe. Once you learn how to tell better... you will look back and realize all the guys who liked you, but you couldn't see it.

 

Bottom line though. I've seen women FAR uglier than you land a quality guy. So... what's your problem?

[verhrzn]

SOME PEOPLE GROW TO LIKE AND EVEN LOVE A PERSON OVER A PERIOD OF TIME WITH GOOD EXPERIENCES WITH THAT PERSON.

 

I get that having good experiences seems to be anathema to you, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

 

P.S. Somedude seems like he likes you, even though he's had fantasies of girls who look differently from you.

 

Cause he's desperate. Here's the pattern of desperate guys: date me. Dating me grows their confidence. They suddenly discover confidence attracts girls! (Duh.) They can now get more attractive girls than me. They dump me. Fin.

 

Huzzah for those people, Mme. C. But that is never how my life has functioned. People either like me, or they don't like me. If they don't like, they ain't ever gonna like me. I am just one of those people. And I, personally, don't feel like waiting around for months trying to convince a guy to be interested in me if he wasn't right off the bat. Some people get a charge out of the challenge. I find the challenge exhausting and frustrating. Takes all kinds.

 

 

So instead of asking out guys a woman should flirt and convey interest, making him want to pursue her.

 

This may seem like a stupid question, but do you know how to convey interest so that a man can understand what you want without going overboard?

 

Hmm, I'll remember this next time you start the whole "Women are allowed to be insecure," "Women have it so easy" thread.

 

Um, to convey interest.... you smile, you talk to them, you ask them about themselves. Not rocket science.

[oaks]

So... what's your problem?

 

She nettles and needles and winkles and extracts a confession from the guy that he thought that some other girl was hotter so that she can leave. That's roughly what I'm getting from this thread, anyway.

[verhrzn]

Bull, you just can't believe that a guy would actually like you. It's part of your armor. Keeps you nice and safe. Once you learn how to tell better... you will look back and realize all the guys who liked you, but you couldn't see it.

 

Bottom line though. I've seen women FAR uglier than you land a quality guy. So... what's your problem?

 

I'm uglier than you assume.

 

I can too believe a guy would like me. The one boyfriend I've had who pursued me, I totally believe liked me.

 

How exactly do I "tell," if I'm doing it wrong, according to you?

[somedude81]

I have to say that this is a rather foolish conclusion.

 

I mean do you realize that what happens to OP also happens a lot to guys? Tons of beautiful girls settle with average guys because the hot guys are jerks who can't give them their loyalty and full attention. The only difference is that most guys dont care if the hot girls settle with them as long as they get to have hot girls!

News to me.

The fact that OP said that the guys that she asked out stuck around for months means that they are not with her just for sex. Besides, just because a guy asks a woman out, doesnt mean she is his top target. It might be that he already tried the other girls that he actually wanted with no success and he in the end was left with those at the bottom of his list.

And yet she's still on the list, versus the millions of girls who aren't.

 

I'm actually pretty picky and wouldn't ask out just anybody no matter how much I dislike being single.

[verhrzn]

She nettles and needles and winkles and extracts a confession from the guy that he thought that some other girl was hotter so that she can leave. That's roughly what I'm getting from this thread, anyway.

 

And again... why is that a problem, to find out he doesn't like me? You'd prefer I stuck around until he dumped me for that hotter girl? Been there, done that, no fun.

[oaks]

And again... why is that a problem, to find out he doesn't like me? You'd prefer I stuck around until he dumped me for that hotter girl? Been there, done that, no fun.

 

It's a problem because it's a deeply unattractive behaviour that will drive away even those who were actually attracted to you. How have you got this far into the thread without comprehending this? Or do you disagree with me on this point?

 

Dating is always a risk - there's always a hotter girl and sometimes he'll leave. Your solution seems guaranteed to avoid you getting into a relationship rather than allowing a chance for you to have one. You're right that getting dumped is no fun, but I gather from several of your posts that being single isn't where you want to be either.

[somedude81]

Cause he's desperate. Here's the pattern of desperate guys: date me. Dating me grows their confidence. They suddenly discover confidence attracts girls! (Duh.) They can now get more attractive girls than me. They dump me. Fin.

You are a shrewd woman verhrzn.

 

Tell me this, how many people expect to be with somebody forever?

 

You know that girl I always go on and on about? Do you think if that if I actually landed her, I'd believe that we'd get married and have babies? No! I'd fully expect the relationship to end at some point, and not because I found somebody hotter. My goal would be to have an amicable break up as possible once the relationship ran it's course, but I'm probably living in a fantasy land hoping that can happen.

 

Hmm, I'll remember this next time you start the whole "Women are allowed to be insecure," "Women have it so easy" thread.

Go ahead, I don't think that contradicts what I've said.

 

Um, to convey interest.... you smile, you talk to them, you ask them about themselves. Not rocket science.

That's a start but It's more complicated than that. Those things are the basis for friendship and I wouldn't ask out a girl just because she did the above.

 

But then again I'm different from most guys so others might take those things as a sign of romantic interest.

[FitChick]

Very rarely can you change people's minds once you form an opinion of you.

 

Why would advice on how to get that security not help? I keep asking for it... people keep telling me TO do it, but never HOW.

 

Anyone else notice her Freudian slip?

 

I've told you how. Call for a personal session with Morty or Shelly Lefkoe and change your life. You can afford it. I dare you!

[verhrzn]

Anyone else notice her Freudian slip?

 

I've told you how. Call for a personal session with Morty or Shelly Lefkoe and change your life. You can afford it. I dare you!

 

Yeah, I can totally pour $3,000 down a hole. Seriously, do you work for them or something? Has ANYONE on this forum actually taken you up on it and come back satisfied?

 

 

It's a problem because it's a deeply unattractive behaviour that will drive away even those who were actually attracted to you. How have you got this far into the thread without comprehending this? Or do you disagree with me on this point?

 

Dating is always a risk - there's always a hotter girl and sometimes he'll leave. Your solution seems guaranteed to avoid you getting into a relationship rather than allowing a chance for you to have one. You're right that getting dumped is no fun, but I gather from several of your posts that being single isn't where you want to be either.

 

Except if they were deeply attracted to me, I wouldn't feel the need to nettle in the first place. I nettle to make sure it's not my insecurity acting up.

 

Yeah, there's always a hotter girl and a chance for a relationship to fail... but if a guy went into the relationship not feeling it to begin with, then it's just a waste of time, and a self-esteem destroyer, for me.

[Fondue]

I don't think you're being treated as a consolation prize.

 

Maybe you did not make yourself available that, enough for him to be motivated to pursue you instead. Maybe he thought you were not interested in him? Maybe not exchanging numbers that night was your mistake? Maybe you didn't flirt enough?

 

Is it it at all possible that he wanted to get with that chick AFTER you two had your thing? Maybe he was initially interested, then thought you were not, he went on and pursued another girl-- semi successfully. Now you made yourself available a few days later by talking to him and asking him out, he now is reassured you're into him?

 

You can't just say you were #2. Maybe initially you were the one he set his eyes on, but somewhere along the way, one of you ****ed it up and he went with another girl-- only not woo her enough. Then you reconnected, and he wants to see you?