So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[xxoo]

Because not a single guy has ever expressed that he finds me physically attractive.

 

Bull.

 

Men here tell you how attractive you are every time you post a pic.

 

They find you less attractive after every thread like this.

 

What if a guy finds you attractive, but just finds other women more attractive and goes for them first? The base attraction is there. It can blossom with connection.

 

Do you at least believe that a small spark of attraction can grow to a burning desire? Or do you believe the lust MUST be there from first glance?

[verhrzn]

Bull.

 

Men here tell you how attractive you are every time you post a pic.

 

They find you less attractive after every thread like this.

 

What if a guy finds you attractive, but just finds other women more attractive and goes for them first? The base attraction is there. It can blossom with connection.

 

Do you at least believe that a small spark of attraction can grow to a burning desire? Or do you believe the lust MUST be there from first glance?

 

Pictures are not life, and I have yet to see people on LS come out and say they find someone unattractive. The people on this board are too nice to participate in such troll-y behavior.

 

Ys, I believe a small spark can grow into a burning desire. Like I said, it doesn't have to be lust, or "drooling." Just... some sort of physical attraction needs to exist first.

[Star Gazer]

Pictures are not life, and I have yet to see people on LS come out and say they find someone unattractive. The people on this board are too nice to participate in such troll-y behavior.

 

I'm not. Post a picture again so I can tell you again that you're not unattractive.

[neowulf]

Ya know why these threads always go down the same way? Because any situation I come here to discuss is IMMEDIATELY labeled as "my negativity." Immediately. There's barely any other insight involved. It goes straight to it. You were here on, what, page 2, already banging out that drum?

 

Maybe the thread could go in a different direction (aka, not about my 'pity party' negativity) if certain posters would actually discuss the topic at hand and give advice pertaining to THAT (don't ask out guys, for example) instead of immediately jumping on a bandwagon to 'Let's Mock The OP.'

 

If you hate me so goddamn much, why do you keep coming into these threads and arguing with me? It's clear you don't even bother reading what I write... you have no interest in understanding me or conversing with me. So what perverse pleasure do you take in beating me down??

 

Well, people post because I suppose they're trying to offer a perspective outside of your own. Hence you post in a forum with other people, instead of a personal journal. To get others challenge your insights and opinions. Not have them come in and confirm your own.

 

As for why these threads all appear to have a similar pattern to them.. I'll put the question to you V. Why *do* they always end up about your attitude? Why do posters who know nothing of your posting history very quickly pick up on this "vibe" from you? Do you think we're all out to pick on you? Or argue with you? Are *all* of us wrong? Or is there a small chance that you have a blind spot... something about yourself you can't see, that is clear as day to others. Something that is holding you back.

 

The reason we're not discussing the "issue" at hand, is it's not the issue at all. It's a symptom, not the cause.

 

I, nor anyone else here can change your attitude about yourself or how the world works.

 

Your attitude is at the root of your difficulties. You can continue to rage against it, ignoring or lashing out at posters who try to help you. Go about life as you always have.

 

When you're ready to deal with real cause, it'll still be there waiting for you.

 

How long it takes is up to you.

[kaylan]

It's your personality that kills any spark of attraction that happens. Keep it up, and prove you're right about all of this. That seems to be your main goal in life.

I have to agree.

 

Ex: Give me 2 average women who are identical in almost every way, except one is insecure and the other is a confident go getter....

 

The insecure girl behaves like you do, which is a total turn off and boner killer. Shes self deptricating and pessimistic about dating. Even if I did like insecure girl somewhat, Id be cautious about moving forward because Im sure shed over-think every move I make. She will ask me stuff like "Do you think Im pretty?" or "Am I a good kisser?" even though we dont know each other too well yet. Hence I feel awkward and put on the spot.

 

The confident gal knows how to confidently play cat and mouse with me, which is a turn on. She will playfully flirt with me without reading to much into our interaction. When I try to kiss her she will pull away and give me a playful look and say "so you like me that much ey?"...just to build anticipation. Then she will kiss me without notice later in the evening. She will not worry endlessly if Im into her or not after we finish hanging out.

 

The girl with her self esteem in tact is just more fun to date. Dont be the insecure gal OP. All you need in self esteem to go along with your assertiveness and youll be golden

[verhrzn]

As for why these threads all appear to have a similar pattern to them.. I'll put the question to you V. Why *do* they always end up about your attitude? Why do posters who know nothing of your posting history very quickly pick up on this "vibe" from you? Do you think we're all out to pick on you? Or argue with you? Are *all* of us wrong? Or is there a small chance that you have a blind spot... something about yourself you can't see, that is clear as day to others. Something that is holding you back.

 

Because it's the easiest thing to blame.

 

Telling someone it's their "negativity," requires no insight, no understanding of the person or their personality or their circumstance. You can slap a "well you have a negative attitude" explanation onto ANYthing and make it stick. It's an easy answer, difficult solution (posters on this thread are quick to jump on the 'you're negative!' bandwagon without actually offering ways to fix it. Just mockery and scorn) that lets other people feel superior.

 

After all, if a poster has a "positive" attitude, then it can never happen to them, right? It's an easy way to lay all the blame for a situation on one person's shoulders. No need to discuss society and the unrealistic expectations it's holstered on us, no analysis of personalities. "You're negative." Done. Blame the OP, move along.

[oldguy]

If one man calls you a horse, ignore him;

If two men call you a horse, consider it;

If three men call you a horse, buy a saddle.

:lmao::lmao:

[Ariadne]

Telling someone it's their "negativity," requires no insight, no understanding of the person or their personality or their circumstance. You can slap a "well you have a negative attitude"..."You're negative." Done. Blame the OP, move along.

 

Question for the guys in this board.

 

Imagine that verizon is the most beautiful girl you've ever seen.

 

You've known enough of her "personality" for what she's posted here, which according to her is her best attribute.

 

Would you want to date verizon?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Telling someone it's their "negativity," requires no insight, no understanding of the person or their personality or their circumstance. You can slap a "well you have a negative attitude" explanation onto ANYthing and make it stick. It's an easy answer, difficult solution (posters on this thread are quick to jump on the 'you're negative!' bandwagon without actually offering ways to fix it. Just mockery and scorn) that lets other people feel superior.

 

.

 

But saying "you're butt ugly" requires lots of insight and understanding of your personality and circumstance?

 

You are completely in lala land. Nobody's "slapping a label" on you. You are presenting a gigantic blazing signal: SUPER NEGATIVEGIRL RIGHT HERE!

[Lonely Ronin]

I have no idea why you guys label it as contradiction. I want a guy who finds me physically attractive, but that doesn't mean I want a guy who "drools" over me. It's only a contradiction if you take what I said to a very far extreme.

 

I want what is normal.... For a guy to see me, think I'm hot, and come to talk to me. Why is that such a horrible and impossible thing to ask?

 

IMO it's a contradiction, because you keep using the term "hot". IMO, and I'm willing to be several would agree with me, a lot of guys will find you attractive but very few will find you "hot". Hot women are the ones plastered on guys bedroom and dorm room walls. In other words, the ones they drool over and can't take there eyes off of in person.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Lonely Ronin

[TheBigQuestion]

V, I'll ask just one question.

 

It's fairly obvious that no one on this board has been able to help you in any meaningful way. You've shot down pretty much every attempt anyone has made to give you their insight as to why you have the issues that you do, and you fight them tooth and nail every single time. In that way, you're a lot like a vocal handful of posters: you love talking about how woeful your life is, no one can understand or help you, and yet you insist on writing thread after thread of self-loathing melodrama.

 

So what's the point in you posting here? Are you not just wasting your valuable free time?

 

I know that LS is sometimes touted as an "advice" board, but it is actually dangerous to treat it as such. A lot of people here are damaged beyond repair and will project their own unhappiness onto you. There was a "Loveshack sucks" blog for a short while (that you can still Google) that was largely true in its assessment of this website. It's a great place to have a debate about issues that most people don't talk about in person because it may implicitly or explicitly involve intense criticism of the opposite sex. It is NOT a great place to receive constructive advice from anyone. Some of the most dysfunctional daters of both sexes frequent LS. I learned my lesson long ago that virtually no one on LS is qualified to give advice to anyone else, with all the shrill and contradictory nonsense that both regulars and irregulars spewed knowing precious little about me the few times I actually did ask for help in relationship dilemmas. Advice about a very sensitive topic, romantic relationships, given out on a message board by people who have never met you and really don't know the first thing about you, whose own romantic lives most often resemble a Greek tragedy. That's LS for ya.

 

The only advice I'll give is the only truly responsible advice: talk to professionals, talk to a trusted friend, talk to a family member. Talk to someone who knows you. Treat LS for what it actually is.

[FitChick]

Call Shelly Lefkoe and break your pattern. Or stop dating and do something worthwhile with your spare time, like volunteering to help deformed people, or burn victims or cancer patients. Then maybe you will begin to appreciate how good you really have it.

 

I think we should just ignore her from now on, maybe ask the moderator to close her threads? Otherwise, she perversely enjoys reliving the drama, chaos and pain of her childhood, hoping to somehow magically change it so that she is mommy and daddy's favorite child.

 

You can't change the past but you can change the future if you want to. Read my signature line again.

[JohnP82]

OP I get what you're saying. I think everyone wants that feeling in knowing that another person wanted them right off the bat, however for most of us that's not reality. I know no girl has ever felt that way about me, but I've felt that way about them.

 

I've seen it with lots of people though. My roommate is like that, women flock to him like he's the last dude on Earth. My most recent ex apparently had it with another guy while we were dating; awesome right. Obviously we're not together but I hear they're going strong.

 

What I'm saying is that a lot of us have to use everything in our arsenal, but that's life.

[ScreamingTrees]

Why does it mean that you're leftover scraps because one's previous affairs flickered out? You're simply the next best thing to come around.. No better or worse than the previous partner, but you're good enough in their eyes.. As good as their last partner, anyway.

 

In a world of billions of individuals, WHO is that pathetic that they'll settle for less than what they're seeking? You really think that EVERY guy thinks of you in the same unhealthy, ignorant way? Honey, there's NO WAY you're all the average guy could afford to get.

 

I highly doubt 90% of the guys you've been with thought of you as a "last resort" - if they were mentally secure, at least. They must've CHOSE you out of dozens of others that were no different from you, at first glance.

 

They wanted to GET TO KNOW YOU. This is possibly where you screw up.. At least, all of these threads make you sound incredibly neurotic. Some of this HAS to bleed out into the real world. Or else you WOULD be having positive experiences alongside the negative and chalking it up to chance.

[Eve]

I no longer know what to say to verhrzn to help her, so as a last resort:

 

First is the worst

Second is the best

Third is the one with the golden chest???

 

I grew up singing ..

 

Third is the one with the hairy chest.

 

At least I learned something from this thread..

 

The OP will be ok. This is clearly a learned behaviour from a dodgy source.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[oaks]

Guys, back me on this. I'm sure most of you have met a girl who was attractive, but not blowing your mind with her looks - but then you talked to her, had eye contact, maybe had some physical contact - and it starts to dawn on you that you think she is really sexy, interesting, irresistible, or whatever.

 

Yes, totally, with every girl I've ever fallen in love with.

[LexiB]

You want to be ogled at and drooled over? Spend your effort becoming that which is ogled and drooled over.

 

This. Dude piss or get off the pot. I already explained to you in detail in another thread that you are not ugly. Your looks are simply plain. Plain CAN be greatly improved by weight loss, hair, makeup and proper styling. You're not getting the validation you want from men as you are, correct? DO something about it already! Otherwise how can you keep complaining?

[Janesays]

Ya got any advice on how to not want a relationship? (Besides masturbating a lot, that has been covered.)

 

Same way I quit wanting a unicorn when I was 5. I grew up and realized I was being stupid.

 

Oh, you want details?

 

You can say to yourself, "I'm OK with being in a relationship with someone who thinks I'm 'cute enough' and might leave me someday."

 

You can start dating only blind men so looks are no longer a factor.

 

Or you can just become a nun.

 

You have options!

[xxoo]

Ys, I believe a small spark can grow into a burning desire. Like I said, it doesn't have to be lust, or "drooling." Just... some sort of physical attraction needs to exist first.

 

Ok, good.

 

Most likely, a man will find you attractive when he firsts meets you, but not drooling hot. He might ask out--and be rejected by--the drooling hot woman before he considers you.

 

Can you see that possibility? How does that make you feel?

 

When he gives you a chance, and you show him your cool, fun side, he may fall in love, and that seed of attraction may grow to be FAR stronger than the lust he initially felt for the "hottie" who rejected him.

 

Can you see that possibility?

 

If that were the case, would you ever be able to accept that he didn't look at you first?

[grkBoy]

verhrzn, I feel your pain. You're going through what many nice guys go through. You're Boof in Teen Wolf, wondering why Scott only has eyes for Pamela. I know it sucks, and I wish things would change for you.

 

I won't ridicule you for taking initiative because you're right. Many guys here complain how the women won't take initiative, and thus it's hypocritical to suddenly ridicule you for doing it. I'm sure some of them are like the girls who claim no guys ask them out...but later come clean and say no hot guys ask them out. Some of these guys want the HOT women to take initiative and ask out the average or nice guy. Never happen.

 

I wish I had a magic solution for you. It seems like the guys you meet are all out for trophies and you're not one of those trophies. I'll eve wage bets that some of them have or will go on other message boards crying and complaining how hot women reject them, but won't mention how you ask them out.

 

I'm stuck. I've handed you possible solutions, but I'm not living in your life or area, so I don't know really what the full situation is. All I can do is tell you to take time to lick the wounds and try again if you see someone worth taking a risk for.

 

Hope one day things change.

[neowulf]

Because it's the easiest thing to blame.

 

Telling someone it's their "negativity," requires no insight, no understanding of the person or their personality or their circumstance. You can slap a "well you have a negative attitude" explanation onto ANYthing and make it stick. It's an easy answer, difficult solution (posters on this thread are quick to jump on the 'you're negative!' bandwagon without actually offering ways to fix it. Just mockery and scorn) that lets other people feel superior.

 

After all, if a poster has a "positive" attitude, then it can never happen to them, right? It's an easy way to lay all the blame for a situation on one person's shoulders. No need to discuss society and the unrealistic expectations it's holstered on us, no analysis of personalities. "You're negative." Done. Blame the OP, move along.

 

You know V, sometimes the obvious answer is actually the right one. Apparently it's one you're struggling to accept.

 

Of course bad things happen to positive people. I've never stated otherwise.

I think you're also expecting a lot from complete strangers.

 

We aren't here to provide you with free clinical grade therapy, which frankly I think you actually may require.

 

You want to some practical advice. Fine.

 

1. Stop biting the hand of everyone who offers a different opinion to you. Stop, go away and really *think* about what they're suggesting. See if you can find *anything* of value in what they say before discounting it.

 

2. Drop the "I am a victim of society" routine. Go out and *LOOK* at what other people around the world are forced to deal with every day. The starving, the homeless. The sick, the dying. You have a job, you're not maimed or disfigured. You have all your limbs. Practice Gratitude.

 

3. Research "Confirmation Bias" and understand that your toxic way of relating to the world is poisoning your chances of a healthy relationship.

 

4. Learn to LIKE yourself V. Seriously, the way you talk you sound like you consider yourself lower than dirt. Cultivate some self-respect and self-kindness.

 

5. Stop waiting for others to pop in and GIVE you the answers to your problems! You get angry when people give you "clues" towards the answer rather than a detailed analysis. We're not your parents. Go out and LOOK for yourself. Follow those clues, reflect on what others and find your *own* path.

[zengirl]

He pursued me in some way (talks to me first, asks for my phone number, contacts me first.) If he's not doing that, he's not into you.

 

That's my usual philosophy, anyway... I've been trying to just "go for it" like guys on LS are constantly complaining girls don't do, and look where it lands me.

 

Okay, there is room for both. I certainly always was a "go for it" girl, but that didn't mean I didn't assess a man's interest level. Interest does NOT equal "doing ALL the work with no encouragement from the other person," whether you're male or female, and I think that's normally what "go for it" is suggesting (as well as not being neurotic about expressing interest first just because you are a woman). Nobody is suggesting you instead do EVERYTHING but rather that you equally show interest by doing SOMETHING, whether it be flirting first or following up and escalating it to a suggestion of speaking again after a guy flirts with you, etc. It is not all or nothing. Though I would suggest staying fairly close to your comfort zone; no one does really well if they step too far outside of their comfort zone too quickly because it just causes more negativity, insecurity, and dissonance.

 

If you have solutions as to how to stop "broadcasting negativity," then by all means, share those. Of course, that won't solve my actual problem of not being attractive to guys. No amount of positive attitude fixes a face only a mother could love, and no amount of "oh I'm so wonderful" corrects an average personality when guys demand someone who is not only pretty, but smart, successful, independent, nurturing, positive, laid-back, funny, and interesting as well.

 

Mme. Chaucer gave you solutions. I have given you many before including, and most importantly, ACCEPT YOURSELF AND LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.

 

Heck, even FitChick's solution of that weird pseudo-therapy that I don't buy into (sorry FitChick; I think you mean well and I could be totally wrong) either is better than what you ARE doing. Almost anything would be better than what you ARE doing. There are literally 100s of concrete suggestions in this thread!

 

You need to stop pushing, nettling, obsessing, and worrying and try to enjoy your life, including any dates you go on. You can say over and over again how that won't work, but you won't really know because you won't really try!

 

So how do I be proactive in making sure the guy actually likes me, and isn't dating me out of boredom/desperation/the girl he actually wants turned him down.

 

You don't! You don't be proactive in seeing if a guy really finds you disgusting. You just take it on faith and accept what is happening each moment. Don't disregard red flags that show the man is not putting in effort and seemingly interested, but if you're dating a guy and he keeps putting in effort to continue setting up dates and it seems to be going well, stop LOOKING ("proactively") for problems. Don't ignore problems when they arise, but don't go looking for them! That's bad news.

 

Bull, you just can't believe that a guy would actually like you. It's part of your armor. Keeps you nice and safe. Once you learn how to tell better... you will look back and realize all the guys who liked you, but you couldn't see it.

 

Bottom line though. I've seen women FAR uglier than you land a quality guy. So... what's your problem?

 

UF and I don't agree on much on these boards, but I 100% endorse this. Fantastic assessment.

 

I’ve realized why you’re so stubborn, defensive, and argumentative with everyone here: You crave negative reactions. You won’t accept anything else. Accepting a positive response would shatter the sad, angry world you live in, and you’re very protective of it, as we all are of our self-identities. You want people to be frustrated and annoyed with you. You don’t like you, so you wouldn’t know how to respond to someone who does. This is something therapy will help you with.

 

Also a very good assessment!

 

You're right. The alternative, which is common, goes more like:

 

verhrzn: I'm ugly

Mme. Chaucer: No you're not, you are very cute with a good figure.

verhrzn: You're a LIAR.

 

Good times.

 

Yep, that sounds about par for the course with V.

 

I don't categorize people that way, but I'm also not a guy. I do categorize people as "attractive" and "not attractive," with some range in between. Come on, what has been pounded into our heads?... That guys are visual. That guys are biologically wired to check out/want to mate with every hot girl that walks by. A lot of guys DON'T, because they do a cost/benefit analysis and decide it's not worth it.... But guys judge a lot harsher on looks than women when it comes to attractiveness. It's just a fact.

 

Eh, it's not really proven that any of that is biology. It's culturally true that men were allowed to seek more attractive mates, in the past, because women required a man for stability; with that changed, I'm not sure that men seek beauty any more than women. Most women seek beauty to some degree these days, some to an absurd degree as some men do, overvaluing it, but I would say most men and women who want relationships value beauty and attraction but that doesn't mean they value hotness above all else; they simply crave someone they're attracted to who is also a good partner in other ways. Many men on LS who are actually IN relationships have said that while they find their SOs beautiful, it wasn't about finding the hottest women and there are other traits that were more crucial to being attracted to the whole person. So, I wouldn't assume men are these bizarre creatures who only care about hotness; men who want relationships want a real connection and probably think much like you described thinking, a spectrum of attractive and unattractive, with some range in between.

 

Pictures are not life, and I have yet to see people on LS come out and say they find someone unattractive. The people on this board are too nice to participate in such troll-y behavior.

 

As SG said, many of us are really not that nice. I can guarantee you I wouldn't lie to someone and tell them they're more attractive than I think they are.

 

Because it's the easiest thing to blame.

 

Telling someone it's their "negativity," requires no insight, no understanding of the person or their personality or their circumstance.

 

Not really. Your looks (which are not to blame), as you blame, are the "easiest" thing for anyone to blame. Negativity is just the truest and most obvious thing here and it's a thing that can actually be CHANGED and tested, if you wanted. Why are you afraid of being positive?

[leftfordead2]

A few weeks ago I met a guy at a party, and I thought we hit it off well. We didn't exchange numbers (he didn't ask, and I thought it would seem desperate to either give him mine or ask for his), but a few days later I friended him. We chatted a little bit, and then I asked him to drinks, which he agreed to.

 

Last Saturday is when we went out for drinks, and I thought he seemed very flirty, and that everything was going well.... Until midway through, he suddenly mentions how he and another girl had hooked up at the party. He made some joke about he should have figured out that the hot ones are always trouble, because it turned out she wasn't that interested in him.

 

I just sat there, stunned. This is the third time this has happened to me-I ask a guy out, and it turns out he's only going out with me because the girl he really likes rejected him. The implicit comment also being that I'm "safe" because I'm not a hot girl also really stings.

 

Why does this keep happening? In my dating life, it always seems like I end up as 2nd place, the consolation prize, the "safe, nice" girl who guys only bother with when there's no one else they'd rather bang.

 

I feel so angry and frustrated right now. As if dating isn't hard enough, the only guys who are "interested" are interested only because they've exhausted their options.

 

Is this just my lot in life? How would I even go about changing it, since I'm not aware it happens until the first few dates, or in a few cases, months into a relationship? It's happened so frequently that at this point, I feel like I just have to accept that I'm gonna be the Safety School Girlfriend forever.

 

 

I had a friend who reeked of negativity and insecurity. It showed in her attitude, her speech and her actions. She couldn't understand why no one was interested in her or dated her for long. You sound exactly like her, the speech part that is.

 

Why don't you just take it easy and let guys approach you instead?

[EnigmaticClarity]

Pictures are not life, and I have yet to see people on LS come out and say they find someone unattractive. The people on this board are too nice to participate in such troll-y behavior.

 

This is normally where I'd point out that if I had found you unattractive, I wouldn't have said **** because I don't sugarcoat and lie to make people feel better. However, I've already said that to you before, so I won't say that here.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Would you want to date verizon?

 

Based upon her interests and appearance, yes...but yea, her negativity is soul-crushing. If that negativity comes through in person, I couldn't put up with it for long.

 

However, as is true with somedude, she may just be using this board for therapy and is more negative here than she usually is in person. Hopefully that's the case.