So Sick Of Being a Consolation Prize

[Ariadne]

Based upon her interests and appearance, yes...but yea, her negativity is soul-crushing.

 

So, opposite to her beliefs..you would date her for her looks but not for her negativity.

[EnigmaticClarity]

So, opposite to her beliefs..you would date her for her looks but not for her negativity.

 

Yes, which I've said to her both publicly and personally. I guess I don't count for some reason.

[xxoo]

Yes, which I've said to her both publicly and personally. I guess I don't count for some reason.

 

But you also spelled out her minor "flaws", in hopes of helping her see herself more accurately (not perfect, but very attractive).

 

V fixates on the negative comments. When you mention a negative, it is all she hears. No matter how small, it overpowers all of the positives in her mind.

 

I'm willing to bet that V doesn't actually think you are attracted to her, and would only "settle" for someone with her flaws if you couldn't get someone hotter.

[verhrzn]

Not really. Your looks (which are not to blame), as you blame, are the "easiest" thing for anyone to blame. Negativity is just the truest and most obvious thing here and it's a thing that can actually be CHANGED and tested, if you wanted. Why are you afraid of being positive?

 

I've said it from the beginning.... I don't see it as me refusing to be positive, or insisting on being "negative." I see it as being realistic. If someone ISN'T that awesome of a person, or isn't attractive... why should we encourage them to think otherwise? All that does is encourage delusion, and unrealistic expectations that lead to more misery.

 

We've all seen that girl, the one who is wearing a piece of clothing that everyone is looking sideways at and thinking," You should NOT be wearing that." Or girls who go after the super rich, or the hot guys, thinking that their confidence is gonna win the guy over, meeting failure after failure.

 

And why is she failing? Because she isn't aware of her own attractiveness level. She thinks she's hot stuff, she's "confident" and has a "positive attitude," but it blinds her to reality. It blinds her to being able to assess her looks accurately, and go for guys she actually has a chance with.

 

Like a poster said a few pages back, if three guys tell you you're a horse, buy a saddle. I'm harsh on my looks because other people have been harsh on my looks my entire life. By calling myself unattractive, I don't see that as being negative. I see that as realistically judging my value.

 

Now, maybe the sad truth is there really is no way to get a relationship when you're unattractive. It seems to be a truth a lot of people are afraid to confront, for reasons I can only guess at. That leaves me with two options: accept being alone (still trying to work out how to do that), and get surgery.

 

Maybe instead of bitching about my attitude, or threatening to have mods close my threads (because "being annoying" is somehow breaking the rules, and obviously someone is forcing you to read them), posters should help me set up a donation fund for plastic surgery. Then I could get attractive, and you all wouldn't be forced to hear me whine. What do you say?

[jobaba]

verhrzn, I feel your pain. You're going through what many nice guys go through. You're Boof in Teen Wolf, wondering why Scott only has eyes for Pamela. I know it sucks, and I wish things would change for you.

 

I won't ridicule you for taking initiative because you're right. Many guys here complain how the women won't take initiative, and thus it's hypocritical to suddenly ridicule you for doing it. I'm sure some of them are like the girls who claim no guys ask them out...but later come clean and say no hot guys ask them out. Some of these guys want the HOT women to take initiative and ask out the average or nice guy. Never happen.

 

I wish I had a magic solution for you. It seems like the guys you meet are all out for trophies and you're not one of those trophies. I'll eve wage bets that some of them have or will go on other message boards crying and complaining how hot women reject them, but won't mention how you ask them out.

 

I'm stuck. I've handed you possible solutions, but I'm not living in your life or area, so I don't know really what the full situation is. All I can do is tell you to take time to lick the wounds and try again if you see someone worth taking a risk for.

 

Hope one day things change.

 

Great post and good plug for a great movie!

 

Incidentally, I always thought Boof was hotter than Pamela, the actresses that is. But that is just Hollywood stuff. They don't always get average looking actresses to play average looking roles.

 

In a real life situation, I would easily pick a traditionally cute girl over a traditionally hot girl. To me, there's no levels. Or there are ... but they are flexible and not well defined.

 

For instance, if I see a girl most people would think are average and I think she's cute and then another girl most people would think is hot and I think she's cute, they're both just attractive. Level doesn't matter to me. Even if I didn't find the girl physically attractive, I would still date her, and tell her I did.

 

I realize most people don't think like me. I've implored OP to look for guys like me. Not to toot my own horn, but because I really think my mentality a match for what she is looking for (I'm taken, BTW ... and LS ladies mourn ). But she seems more interested in feeling sorry for herself than taking on any constructive criticism.

 

To quote a line from a great movie...

 

"You know, you're such a nutcase. I can't even begin to keep up."

[oaks]

posters should help me set up a donation fund for plastic surgery. Then I could get attractive, and you all wouldn't be forced to hear me whine. What do you say?

 

What would you have done?

[Emilia]

And why is she failing? Because she isn't aware of her own attractiveness level. She thinks she's hot stuff, she's "confident" and has a "positive attitude," but it blinds her to reality. It blinds her to being able to assess her looks accurately, and go for guys she actually has a chance with.

 

I used to worry about looking like a fool as well when I was younger but since I have learnt to watch how men reciprocate or initiate towards me. When there is no reciprocating, I walk away quickly saving my dignity. You just have to keep an eye open for social clues, it's that simple. This doesn't mean you pre-empt them by making up this negative picture in your head before anyone else has the chance to react in a positive way.

[verhrzn]

I realize most people don't think like me. I've implored OP to look for guys like me. Not to toot my own horn, but because I really think my mentality a match for what she is looking for (I'm taken, BTW ... and LS ladies mourn ). But she seems more interested in feeling sorry for herself than taking on any constructive criticism.

 

Or maybe all the guys like you are taken. How would one even begin looking for guys with a "specific" mentality? Like they walk around carrying signs??

 

What would you have done?

 

Liposuction (and tummy tuck), nose job, new chin, breast lift.

[Krios]

I've said it from the beginning.... I don't see it as me refusing to be positive, or insisting on being "negative." I see it as being realistic. If someone ISN'T that awesome of a person, or isn't attractive... why should we encourage them to think otherwise? All that does is encourage delusion, and unrealistic expectations that lead to more misery.

 

We've all seen that girl, the one who is wearing a piece of clothing that everyone is looking sideways at and thinking," You should NOT be wearing that." Or girls who go after the super rich, or the hot guys, thinking that their confidence is gonna win the guy over, meeting failure after failure.

 

And why is she failing? Because she isn't aware of her own attractiveness level. She thinks she's hot stuff, she's "confident" and has a "positive attitude," but it blinds her to reality. It blinds her to being able to assess her looks accurately, and go for guys she actually has a chance with.

 

Like a poster said a few pages back, if three guys tell you you're a horse, buy a saddle. I'm harsh on my looks because other people have been harsh on my looks my entire life. By calling myself unattractive, I don't see that as being negative. I see that as realistically judging my value.

 

Now, maybe the sad truth is there really is no way to get a relationship when you're unattractive. It seems to be a truth a lot of people are afraid to confront, for reasons I can only guess at. That leaves me with two options: accept being alone (still trying to work out how to do that), and get surgery.

 

Maybe instead of bitching about my attitude, or threatening to have mods close my threads (because "being annoying" is somehow breaking the rules, and obviously someone is forcing you to read them), posters should help me set up a donation fund for plastic surgery. Then I could get attractive, and you all wouldn't be forced to hear me whine. What do you say?

 

That you can pay it for yourself. Rhinoplasty (i.e. nosecorrections) for example start at $3000. You've mentioned here a few times that you're well paid. If that's true, then you have $3000.

 

Make sure to post some before and after pictures. If you want, I'll fly over to hold your hand as you go under anesthesia. I'll be there when you wake up, to make sure you no longer look like a molten E.T.

 

I call bluff V.

[jobaba]

Or maybe all the guys like you are taken. How would one even begin looking for guys with a "specific" mentality? Like they walk around carrying signs??

 

:lmao:

 

I've single for very long periods of my life. Believe me, most people don't look at being non-shallow as a positive attribute. Since it is not the societal norm, they'll just look at you as weird at best or judgmental at worst.

 

Despite your pics, I'll buy that men don't find you physically attractive. Oh well. You're gonna just have to go through numbers to find someone who does or doesn't care much about looks. That might take a while.

 

Hang in there.

[Eddie Edirol]

 

 

Liposuction (and tummy tuck), nose job, new chin, breast lift.

 

Ive seen your picture, you dont need any of that. You just need better clothes, or a better look and hair. Thats it. Not even expensive clothes, just a sexier look.

[Krios]

Liposuction (and tummy tuck), nose job, new chin, breast lift.

 

Don't do lipo. Lipo tends to mess up the tightness of the skin permanently. Work out harder and eat less. Start running 5 miles per day, for 5 days per week and limit your calorie intake to 1500 per day and if you're really dedicated, then you start watching your blood sugar levels, as insulin which regulates the metabolism of blood sugar is the main factor for the build-up of fat tissue. That means you have to watch your sugar and carb intake too, as they raise your blood sugar levels. Working out lowers your blood sugar levels.

 

First work on what you can work on without plastic surgery. Doing lipo is for lazy people and the results tend to be unsatisfactory in my opinion due to loose, wrinkled and folded skin.

 

Again, I don't like giving replies like this V, but it's the only direction you allow the discussion to flow.

[verhrzn]

That you can pay it for yourself. Rhinoplasty (i.e. nosecorrections) for example start at $3000. You've mentioned here a few times that you're well paid. If that's true, then you have $3000.

 

Make sure to post some before and after pictures. If you want, I'll fly over to hold your hand as you go under anesthesia. I'll be there when you wake up, to make sure you no longer look like a molten E.T.

 

I call bluff V.

 

I am paid well, but that doesn't mean I have a lot of disposable income. I put myself through college, and loans aren't cheap. (Only $26,000 more to go!)

 

Which is why I'm thinking a donation might be nice. Then, people who are constantly complaining about all the ugly and fat people walking around can put their money where their mouth is, and the ugly and fat can get more attractive. Everybody wins.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I've said it from the beginning.... I don't see it as me refusing to be positive, or insisting on being "negative." I see it as being realistic.

 

Realism is taking both the positive and negative into account. What is unrealistic about your self-concept is that you focus on the negative and gloss over your strengths. I hope you're eventually able to overcome that.

[verhrzn]

your a blabbering idiot

 

That's not nice, knock it off.

 

Realism is taking both the positive and negative into account. What is unrealistic about your self-concept is that you focus on the negative and gloss over your strengths. I hope you're eventually able to overcome that.

 

I am perfectly aware of my strengths. I focus on my negatives because I need to fix them, and because they are what prevent me from being seen as attractive.

[oaks]

Liposuction (and tummy tuck), nose job, new chin, breast lift.

 

Well, now that you mention it I do recall that all the photos I've seen of your face have you dead square on to the camera... so I guess I never noticed anything needing doing to your nose or chin. Is one too big and one too small?

[somedude81]

That's not nice, knock it off.

He's the forums resident troll who gets banned and keeps coming back.

 

He was Krios yesterday who knows who he will be tomorrow.

 

Just ignore and report.

[LexiB]

Liposuction (and tummy tuck), nose job, new chin, breast lift.

 

 

Sooo, what you want to change with 100k and a scalpel can be accomplished with natural weight loss, makeup tricks (contouring and learning to play up your best features and draw attention away from others) and proper clothing (with the right bra, you wont need a lift). ALL of which I've already pointed out to you several times to work on.

 

I really do think you prefer to wallow in misery than take the necessary steps to improve what YOU see as your faults. Viewing plastic surgery as your only solution to becoming more attractive is just lame cop out for you to avoid putting in the work required to actually change your circumstances.

 

Again, piss or get off the pot.

[verhrzn]

Sooo, what you want to change with 100k and a scalpel can be accomplished with natural weight loss, makeup tricks (contouring and learning to play up your best features and draw attention away from others) and proper clothing (with the right bra, you wont need a lift). ALL of which I've already pointed out to you several times to work on.

 

I really do think you prefer to wallow in misery than take the necessary steps to improve what YOU see as your faults. Viewing plastic surgery as your only solution to becoming more attractive is just lame cop out for you to avoid putting in the work required to actually change your circumstances.

 

Again, piss or get off the pot.

 

I see plastic surgery as my only option because I've tried the other things you mention.

 

I exercise and diet, and while I've seen body fat loss, it hasn't changed the way my body looks or my weight. Seriously, I've seen a loss of 4% in the last month, and gained quite a bit of strength, but I don't look any different.

 

I've gone to professional make-up artists, and it still doesn't help. I even put down some money for a professional stylist, and the stuff she pulled for me was awful. It's like even the professionals don't know what to do with me.

 

I obviously can't work with the body I've been given, so what's so wrong with getting a body I can actually do something with? I just want a body that isn't so abnormal and impossible.

[xxoo]

I focus on my negatives because I need to fix them, and because they are what prevent me from being seen as attractive.

 

Yes, they are.

 

But not your physical negatives. Your personality negatives.

 

Look, you will never eliminate all your physical negatives. Trust me, as you age, you'll gain more But that isn't what is holding you back.

 

Your personal issues are holding you back. Your refusal to believe a person when he says he is attracted to you, unless he swears you are absolutely perfect--that's crippling you.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I am perfectly aware of my strengths. I focus on my negatives because I need to fix them, and because they are what prevent me from being seen as attractive.

 

If you're aware of your strengths, then you're aware you're above average. By "above average" I mean you're above the middle. Some people hear "above average" and they take that to mean top 10%, or 30%...I mean top 49.9% when I say it. I'd say you're in the top 30% to 40% of women in appearance. What if you weren't there, what if you were truly average or below-average? Why do you need to be in the top 20% or 10% of women before you believe yourself to be worthy of a relationship?

 

I could have plastic surgery to improve a few things about myself. The majority of human beings would look better with a nose job of varying degrees...but I deem that to be out of my control. I don't need to do it, because I know I'm attractive enough without it, and I'm not more attractive than you are. Either get your surgery, or put it out of your mind--you're attractive enough for a relationship as you are today.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I've got frustrated and even furious with OP but really, I think that you (V) need to see a therapist; specifically one with an MD. You have mentioned before that you have done something drastic and harmful to yourself. Your entire way of thinking is that of a person with depression (I am not an expert, but I am a person who has had some big struggles with depression); notably your evident inability to see outside of your black hole of tunnel vision. It's not rational, frankly.

 

Antidepressants helped me.

[zengirl]

I've said it from the beginning.... I don't see it as me refusing to be positive, or insisting on being "negative." I see it as being realistic.

 

Is it realistic to disagree with every positive statement someone says about you? That's not realism to most people; that's negativity.

 

If someone ISN'T that awesome of a person, or isn't attractive... why should we encourage them to think otherwise? All that does is encourage delusion, and unrealistic expectations that lead to more misery.

 

I don't see how LIKING YOURSELF leads to delusion and misery. And I certainly don't see how it leads to expectations.

 

I'm anti-expectations in general, except legally provided rights and contractual obligations. If it isn't in writing somewhere, I don't expect it. I don't expect NEGATIVE things either, though, and I don't base my self-worth on my expectation of other people's reactions to me. Look, one of the tenets of Buddhism mentions that suffering comes from desire (expectations especially!) and I'd agree with that 100%. No one is saying you need to expect men to fall all over your feet --- just stop expecting the opposite and stop finding reasons to put yourself down!

 

You don't have to EXPECT anything -- positive or negative -- but instead just accept yourself, appreciate yourself, and accept what happens in life.

 

Now, maybe the sad truth is there really is no way to get a relationship when you're unattractive. It seems to be a truth a lot of people are afraid to confront, for reasons I can only guess at. That leaves me with two options: accept being alone (still trying to work out how to do that), and get surgery.

 

There are plenty of ugly people (much, much, much, much uglier than you are, on the outside at least) who are married and in relationships. Happy ones, too! And plenty of single, gorgeous, unhappy people too. Beauty is a poor determiner of relationship success, really.

 

We are not "afraid" to face this truth. We just. . . see people every day (as many posters have said) who are in relationships and much less attractive than you are.

 

That's not nice, knock it off.

 

I am perfectly aware of my strengths. I focus on my negatives because I need to fix them, and because they are what prevent me from being seen as attractive.

 

And how is that working for you? Focusing on those negatives?

 

(And how are you not BEING negative if you are FOCUSING on negatives. That makes no sense!)

 

Plastic surgery will not help you. You'll always find a reason to feel ugly and negative about yourself until you heal.

[zengirl]

Yes, they are.

 

But not your physical negatives. Your personality negatives.

 

Look, you will never eliminate all your physical negatives. Trust me, as you age, you'll gain more But that isn't what is holding you back.

 

Your personal issues are holding you back. Your refusal to believe a person when he says he is attracted to you, unless he swears you are absolutely perfect--that's crippling you.

 

So true! Fixating on the physical -- positive or negative -- to the degree you do, OP, is unhealthy. Even if you were gorgeous, it wouldn't work for you. It just never ever does.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Either get your surgery, or put it out of your mind--you're attractive enough for a relationship as you are today.

 

I'm going to qualify this because I'm not sure your issue is actually that you're underestimating your worth--I'm wondering if your issue is that you're shooting for a higher quality of man than you've led us to believe. I've only seen one of the guys you've dated, but he was fairly attractive, probably around a 6 or 7--not more attractive than you but attractive enough to know that if he's also confident that he might want to try for an 8 or a 9. If you are after someone in the upper 30% or more of men, get your surgery. If you'd be fine with a 4 or a 5 who's a good guy, you're FAR more than good enough as you stand today.