My boyfriend is angry and swears a lot. Is this abusive?

[Liliana25]

Hi everyone, I would really appreciate some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. From the start we’ve had a long distance relationship only seeing each other on weekends. He recently quit his job and works from home on his own business. I’m doing a Masters degree.

 

We usually get on really well. I feel like we understand each other. We have the same sort of moods and opinions. He’s sweet, affectionate, and very loving. I trust him completely and know that he would never cheat on me. He’s always been supportive and encouraging of my education and my goals. He can cook, clean, iron, and look after himself. This is one of the things that really attracts me to him. He always says he loves me and that his feelings haven’t changed.

 

Lately I’ve been feeling like something’s wrong in our relationship. The last year has been really difficult and we have been constantly arguing. He has become really angry and will lose his temper easily. When this happens he swears a lot, mostly the F word. At the beginning of our relationship he used to swear only occasionally and when the situation really warranted it. I have told him several times that it bothers me and I always tell him off when he swears and he always apologises. I used to feel that he respected my feelings on the issue and that he tried to change or at least limit his swearing.

 

In the last year though there have been a few incidents in which he will shout at me and swear repeatedly (using the F word) during an argument and he often reduces me to tears. He also doesn’t seem to care that it is upsetting me. I wrote him a letter telling him that swearing bothers me and he stopped for a few months last year. However, at the weekend we argued twice. I am still so upset and hurt. I feel that everything else he’s done pales in comparison to how he treated me at the weekend.

 

We had a misunderstanding and I got upset because I felt he didn’t want to spend time with me. When I tried to talk to him about it he didn’t want to listen and started shouting and swearing at me. He also blamed me for him losing his temper saying that I’d been “scowling” at him all evening. I admit that I was quite preoccupied that evening and maybe I looked sad but I hadn’t realised that I was scowling. I think he could have just talked to me about it calmly and asked why I looked unhappy. We later made up and we both apologised but, I felt that the whole incident had just been brushed under the carpet.

 

On Sunday we went out for lunch. We were both having a really good time. Then he asked me to promise that I wouldn’t make him wait at the train station. I’ll give a bit of background here. I usually get to his place about four on Saturday and leave at four on Sunday. Trains leave every half an hour and sometimes if I’ve just missed the last train I have to wait for the next one. My boyfriend and I usually sit in the car chatting whilst we wait for the train. I know thirty minutes is a long time, but we’re not going to see each other for a whole week and we always want a bit more time to kiss and say goodbye because we’ll miss each other. Also, I can understand him not wanting to wait on the platform, in the cold, but we always sit in the locked car, with the heating on and just cuddle and kiss and the time seems to go faster because we’re talking. Before, my boyfriend never seemed to have a problem with this and actually enjoyed it. He sometimes even asked me to stay a bit longer. He always says he misses me but now it seems he can’t wait for me to leave.

 

In the restaurant he asked repeatedly what time it was and when’s your train? I got the impression that he just couldn’t wait until I left so he could get back onto his computer and work. When he asked me to promise that he wouldn’t have to wait, I said I would try, but it wasn’t really up to me. When we got in the car I realised that we wouldn’t make the next train so I would have to get the one after. I told him not to hurry and that’s when he erupted. He shouted that I was going back on my promise, that he hated waiting and that he got bored.

 

I felt that he was attacking me and blaming me over something I had no control over. I don’t make the timetable. I also felt like he was saying that he was bored with me (he explained later that he just got bored waiting). He kept repeating that I went back on my promise and then started shouting and swearing. When I asked him to keep a civil tongue he swore even more and started mocking me saying “oh she doesn’t like it, I have to keep a civil tongue now” and then he said “tongue, tongue” several times in a really derisive way. He finally calmed down and we didn’t talk the rest of the journey.

 

At the station I was about to go without us making up and just started crying in the car because I was so upset. I didn’t want to part on bad terms. He blamed me for the whole argument, saying that he was sorry I was crying, but I brought it on myself and that it was my fault. I told him that nothing could justify the way he spoke to me, his tone of voice, and the swearing. He apologised a few times but it seemed to me like he felt he was justified in his behaviour because I “went back on my promise.” He also got upset when I didn’t kiss him goodbye. I felt that if I did kiss him it would give the impression that everything was fine. He started saying that was his “punishment”.

 

I felt that he was acting immaturely and treating me as if I was a parent. I was really upset not so much because of what he said, but the shouting, swearing and his contemptuous tone. Also, I feel hurt because I make an effort to go and see my boyfriend almost every weekend (sometimes we take a break) and I travel nearly two hours each way to see him whilst he just seems eager for me to leave as early as possible on the Sunday. I know he wants to work and I support that but, he has the majority of Saturday before I come and late Sunday afternoon and evening as well as the whole week. I feel like he finds spending time with me to be a chore.

 

I also feel that my boyfriend dismisses my feelings. When I try to tell him how I feel or explain that I didn’t realise that I was pushing him away, he becomes really condescending. He starts acting like I’m being silly and saying things like “mmm-hmm” or “yeah right” in a really scornful tone of voice. When I’m crying and upset he becomes really insensitive saying things like “are we done now?” or “can I read my book now?” Sometimes, when he knows I’m upset because of something he’s done, he asks me if everything is ok. When I say I’m upset he dismisses it as me being silly and doesn’t want to talk.

 

I just don’t know what to do. Is my boyfriend trying to tell me something ie. he wants me to break up with him? I have heard that guys act like this sometimes because they want the girl to break up with them. Almost every time we argue my boyfriend says something like "I'm done" or "Do you want to break up?" It's really getting me down. I don't want to break up, but he seems to think about it a lot.

 

He was so affectionate and loving on Saturday, then he was horrible to me and then on Sunday he was nice and then became horrible again and wanted me to leave. What does this mean? Is this normal behaviour or is it emotionally/verbally abusive? I have actually tried to convince myself that this behaviour is normal because swearing is everywhere now, but on the other hand my boyfriend knows that it upsets and hurts me and he keeps doing it. Apart from the two incidents at the weekend this has happened at least once before. He always apologises and then he does it again. I really love him and want to make it work, but I just don’t know if I can cope anymore. Is there any hope for our relationship? Can my boyfriend change? What should I do? I think the whole thing is even affecting my health. My parents say I always come home looking miserable and upset.

 

Thanks everyone and sorry for the long message.

Edited February 13, 2012 by Liliana25

[CopingGal]

Hello Hun,

 

As I told myself, "If I have to ask myself if I am being abused, I probably am. Even if I am not, the fact that I feel like I may be abused means that it is time to leave."

 

That's what I told myself when I finally figured out I was being abused. The substantial abuse did not start until 3 years later and it was terrible...no physical, but emotional/psycholgocial.

 

Your bf sounds like he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. I don't like this relationship that you are in. He sounds like he hurts you and awful lot and doesn't really seem to care.

 

In my relationship I thought, "if I could just understand him better, things would be okay. If I would just be more patient, it would be alright." It wasn't. It only got worse. I read that current behavior is a predictor of future behavior. You sound like a sweet person. You sound like you need someone to talk gently to you.

 

Some of the hurtful things my ex has said has said with me:

 

"You don't need an airbag, a seatbeat is all you need."

 

"Don't wear a seatbeat." (He said when I had trouble fastening it and he got impatient...a real man would have helped me.)

 

"It's okay to tell little lies not big lies. I decide which ones are little."

 

"I didn't tell you that I had become friends with the woman I dropped you for before. It was not important."

 

"You spend so much time analyzing your feelings that they don't mean anything to me.

 

"Your feelings are irrelevant."

 

Words hurt. I'm glad I don't have to deal with his nonesense any more. For the most part, he was not verbally abusive. Those are just the things he said to me. What he did was much, much worse.

 

Consider leaving your bf. Do you want to spend day after day feeling bad? Think about it.

[Liliana25]

Hey Coping Gal,

 

What you went through sounds terrible. You sound like a lovely person. No-one deserves to be treated like that.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am actually seriously reconsidering my relationship with my boyfriend. Over the last year he has changed so much and sometimes I just don't recognise him at all. When we argue he's so horrible and just seems like a different person.

 

It's so hard though because I really love him and after more than four years I simply can't imagine myself with anyone else. But lately he's just been making me so unhappy that I've wondered whether I'd be better off single. I am going to give it some serious thought. Thanks again.

 

Stay strong and take care.

[CopingGal]

Hey Coping Gal,

 

What you went through sounds terrible. You sound like a lovely person. No-one deserves to be treated like that.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am actually seriously reconsidering my relationship with my boyfriend. Over the last year he has changed so much and sometimes I just don't recognise him at all. When we argue he's so horrible and just seems like a different person.

 

It's so hard though because I really love him and after more than four years I simply can't imagine myself with anyone else. But lately he's just been making me so unhappy that I've wondered whether I'd be better off single. I am going to give it some serious thought. Thanks again.

 

Stay strong and take care.

 

Thanks. Believe me, what I wrote is nothing to the behaviors and the lies he inflicted on me. If you have trouble figuring out if you should leave him, maybe you should see a therapist to help you work through things. Also, I was wondering how old he is. There are mental disorders that pop up when people are in their early twenties. I am not saying he has one...but he may have traits from some.

[Liliana25]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I've decided to break up with him. It will be really hard to do it and even harder to get over but I realised that it's better for me personally and for my wellbeing. I can't be with someone who clearly doesn't respect me and love me.

 

Coping Gal - my bf is 29. I have read about some personality disorders and the things he does do fit with some of the disorders.

[CopingGal]

My ex has traits from Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissitic Personality Disorder. I never realized how sick and dysfunctional he was until months after I left him. We broke up 7 months ago. It's been about 45 days and I have not heard from him...thank goodness. I'm sooo happy. Who on earth ignores a woman, cheats on her, throws the new woman in her face, and then tries to force her to be friends with him after he has done all of that to her? Who on earth treats a woman so badly, brings up that he is going away with another woman while she is having a melt-down due to the way he treated her, tells her that her feelings are irrelevant, throws the upcoming marriage to the woman he cheated on her with in her face, and then sends a text saying "I hope all your dreams come true"....? He's very sick.