Maybe in love with the other man? Divorce is pendind...on and off again...HELP!

[Peachy]

I am posting under this forum for any and all comments regarding my situation...I also posted under 'infidelity' and 'separation/divorce'...

 

Well...here goes...I have been married for 20+ years to a good man. We have three children together, 21, 16, and 10 years old. For the most part we have had a pretty decent marriage until the last 5 years or so. My husband has been a good provider and never cheated or been abusive. The last 5 years or so he had become a total workaholic, when not out of town on business trips, he was either at work, on the cellular phone, pager or laptop.

He would even bring his laptop to bed with us and I would wake up in the middle of the nite and he would be pecking away! I used to tease him and tell him that his boss and laptop were his mistress!

 

Anyway...I tried complaining and my family just did not listen, or I did not voice my unhappiness loud enough. (I am not making excuses for my poor behavior). Well, in the fall I attended my reunion and he was not with me..(dealing with his family issues..a whole other story) and I did not hide the fact that I was married. Wore rings (as I should have) and even though the last 4-5 years were not particularly happy for me. I just continued carrying on and keeping the home fires burning. I work full time and took care of my family and home. Whenever there was a problem with the kids schedules, needing to go somewhere, anything,

it was always up to me to rearrange my schedule to take care of everything. My husbands' whole life was work.

 

At my class reunion, I spoke to a very old friend. One thing led to another and since the fall I have been with this man physically two times. I admit that what I did was wrong and I am remorseful for my actions and breaking my vows. My husband confronted me and I did admit what had happened and the fact that I was talking with this man. (my husband had me bugged and I told him that I had seen this man).

 

I have tried to reignite the spark with my husband in the bedroom and it is not there like it was before. (Could be my guilt, I know) but I have very strong feelings for the other man.

I thought that my marriage must not be in the best condition if I could stray or feel this way.

I have NEVER done this before. I could be in love with the other man but I am so confused that I don't know what to do?

 

My marriage is on the final stages and divorce should be final in the next few weeks, problem is when it is about to be final...two times already, I calll the lawyer to stop it! I am driving myself and my husband totally crazy. It's like if I leave I feel bad, and if I stay I feel bad.

 

My husband says if I stay he will forgive and forget..but a couple of times already, he asked me to leave when things got a little difficult. I am also afraid that if I stay I will be under surveilance for the rest of my life. My husband is a gentle person with a good heart but he is ALSO very manipulative and maybe he is just telling me this now in the heat of all the emotions.

 

I know that there are no guarantees in life and that I could be making the biggest mistake of my life (if I haven't already) but I am so scared to go...so scared to stay..He doesn't trust me now (rightfully so) and I don't trust him for 'bugging' me. Please, do not flame me. Just give me your tell it like it is version of your feelings. I want some happiness..but feel awful for doing this to my family. Maybe the other man will be around...maybe not? Who knows?

 

Any advice?

[Debster]

The fact that your husband says he is willing to work with you on the marriage shows is commitment. It appears as though you aren't sure. I would hold off on everything - the divorce, moving onwards, the OM - until you decide for yourself what you want.

 

Stop playing around with your husband's emotions and decide for yourself once and for all. I'm not surprised he got pissed at it and told you to leave. It shows that he knows better than to continually put up with crap.

 

Quite frankly, it sounds to me like your husband sounds pretty good. Not perfect, as noone is, but you might be throwing something away you might regret. i would advise you to give your marriage another try but go to counselling to learn how to communicate with each other. He needs to realize he was putting work before his family. You need to learn how to get your feelings listened to without going outside of your marriage. Learn to compromise and work together as a team.

[Peachy]

Debster,

 

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate your frankness. I know that I cannot have my cake and eat it too and that I may be messing up real bad here. I am confused because if I did not go through this...things probably would have remained the same and I would be miserable,

(Like I am not now anyway..I am just torn up and wonder if I could be possibly be just wanting to stay for security and the 'known'.

 

I have some very deep feelings for the other person (who is single). I think I may be in love with him. I have never cheated or even been tempted but the thought of losing this guy has me all shaken up. When I think about my husband and family I feel so guilty. I am so scared.

 

If I stay and it doesn't work out then I will feel horrible to put my family thru this upheaval again and would probably wait another 8 years to leave. (When my youngest graduates).

There used to be this old song, it said...torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool, loving both of you is breaking all of the rules..

 

I kind of feel that way, except, I don't feel the same attraction to my husband like I did.

(Guilty feelings there!)

 

Thanks for listening.

[pitprincess]

Originally posted by Peachy

 

 

I have been married for 20+ years to a good man.

We have three children together, 21, 16, and 10 years old. For the most part we have had a pretty decent marriage until the last 5 years or so. My husband has been a good provider and never cheated or been abusive. The last 5 years or so he had become a total workaholic, when not out of town on business trips, he was either at work, on the cellular phone, pager or laptop.

 

He is a provider and want's to work for his family and their needs"yours included"

 

My husbands' whole life was work. Making money so you can someday retire and live your life with out having to struggle most likely.

 

I have been with this man physically two times. Being physical with this man has your emotions a wreck. I believe that your not sure if a few contacts is worth walking away from your life.

 

 

I have tried to reignite the spark with my husband in the bedroom and it is not there like it was before. (Could be my [color=red]guilt[/color], I know) but I have very strong feelings for the other man.

 

My marriage is on the final stages and divorce should be final in the next few weeks, problem is when it is about to be final...two times already

 

 

My husband says if I stay he will forgive and forget..but a couple of times already, he asked me to leave when things got a little difficult. I am also afraid that if I stay I will be under surveilance for the rest of my life.

 

Your husband was hurt, has been hurt, still hurting. I am sure that when something happens between you and him he says it because he is not understanding what it is your wanting and he has emotions as well but he is dealing with loosing the woman he loves.

 

My husband is a gentle person with a good heart but he is ALSO very manipulative and maybe he is just telling me this now in the heat of all the emotions.

 

I dont think so.

 

I don't trust him for 'bugging' me.

 

I really don't understand what you mean by this?

 

He is asking, grasping for something to hold on to. You have been married along time to throw it all way over having an affair.

I think you were lonely.

Married for 20 years, kids, he's never home and when he is he is working all the time.

Time changes everyday but if you look in your heart and read your post again I am sure you will find what your looking for.

 

God Bless you both

[pitprincess]

Originally posted by Peachy

I kind of feel that way, except, I don't feel the same attraction to my husband like I did.

(Guilty feelings there!)

 

I really dont think your bed room role will be the same once you have slept with another man.

 

I think Guilt is the key word there.

[Peachy]

Thank you for the reply.

 

It is true..I do feel guilty about becoming physical with the other man. But..I also have very strong feelings for him and wonder..hmmm...if I stay with my husband will I always wonder what could have been? I do not know. and yes...my emotions are a wreck. Life is too short.

 

 

It is true that my husband has been a good provider. He is a wonderful guy and a great dad and did not deserve what I did. I know that my decision needs to finalized STAT! I can't keep up this emotional upheaval and neither can my family. A friend told me that of course you love your husband, he is familiar and secure, but are you in love with him? Search your heart and find your answer. The problem is that the two times my divorce was about to be final...

I stopped it and I am sure that I was probably having some kind of anxiety or panic attack.

I swear I sometimes feel that I am having a nervous breakdown and the best thing I can do is to leave and like my lawyer told me "hey, you can always get remarried!"...

 

I am taking the biggest gamble of my life, maybe I am right..maybe not? I do not know what to do.

[Peachy]

One more thing....by "bugged", I mean that he put a recording device in my car and taped my conversations with the other person.

 

Right now..he really doesn't trust me (I don't blame him) and I don't trust him. We have a few other issues in our relationship besides him being a workaholic, I just thing the other man is the issue he is mainly focusing on. It's not like I just woke up one day and said..'I have had it"...

 

I just got tired of being second fiddle to his job, his mother (he is latin), and he would treat me more like a child than a wife sometimes. He would say. I am older than you and wiser.

I am trying to be objective here and know that all of the past 20 years have not been bad..

about 2/3 of the time was actually pretty good. We just kind of disconnected.

[Peachy]

Well...here is a new twist to the story. The "other man" turns out not to be very responsible in financial matters and now is having some other issues.

 

He is genuinely a good person and I have strong feelings for him, but I don't think anything with him is possible at this pont in time (if I am divorced) until he gets his act together.

What troubles me so is that even though my husband says he wants to work it out, last nite we had words, and he basically said it's my way. Take it or leave it. Just somethings for me to consider about finalizing our divorce. I JUST DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO...ONE DAY I THINK I SHOULD LEAVE AND ONE DAY I THINK I SHOULD STAY.

 

I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown.

 

PLease....OFFER ANY ADVICE TO CONSIDER. PLEASE!!

[Debster]

You actually have more options than you think:

 

1) stay with husband and deal with it as a couple and realize you need to eat crow for a while based on what you did.

 

2) stay with husband and go to counselling to work out issues.

 

3) Leave husband and start over by yourself.

 

4) Separate and exclusively 'date' your husband to try to regain your feelings/love

 

5) leave husband and continue relationship with OM

 

6) keep the status quo.

[Mr Spock]

If you're going to stay with your husband you both need to go to counselling, even though you perpitrated the wrong it does not give him a liscence to threaten to throw you out of the house whenever he is mad at you. I used to date a man that I cheated on ( I told him so) he used to tell me it gave him a liscence to do whatever he wanted and that no judge would convict him of hurting me because of what I'd done.

 

Please remember this.

[sweetlips]

I know how you feel. I have been the one that was cheated on and I am seeing a married man at this time. When I caught my husband cheating. I said O.K. what did I do wrong to make him cheat. When I decided to forgive him and try to work the marriage out I thought I was doing the right thing. Well WRONG!!! You forgive but you never forget. We tried and I mean really tried for months but every time he was late coming home and went fishing, hunting, played golf I was alway crazy by the time he came back and I would ask him a million question about were he was and who he was with. I isn't as easy as you think. You on the other hand need to be happy. If you are feeling this way now it doesn't get any better. Your husband may forgive you but he will never forget what you did. But that's all up to you both. Is it worth losing twenty years over. Will the man your cheating with be there when all is said and done? I hope things really work out for you. Good Luck!

[Peachy]

Thank you for the replies..I know I sound like a complete idiot..and I feel like one too, by the way.

 

I feel awful for the problems I have created with my husband. I really do. But..I think that I may have fallen in love with the other man. I am just so confused that I do not know for sure.

What I do know is that my husband is a wonderful guy, swears he will forgive me for my two

indescretions, but the other issues in our marriage, his mother and financial, he says are now going to be his way and that is it!

 

He tells me to consider all of this when I am making my final decision, he tells me that I want to look into the future to see how are things going to work out. (I wish I could) What tears me up are a few things, my kids, and the fact that I am so indecisive, If I leave and I have screwed up then I will never forgive myself. My friend told me just to make a decision and never look back...just go forward. That is easier said than done.

 

For the last two weeks I have had my entire family on a total emotional roller-coaster waiting for me to tell them wether or not I am finalizing the divorce or not.

 

I am just not sure that while I love my husband, it is now not the same feelings I had in the past. Sometimes...when he is sleeping, I look at him and feel so bad to hurt him. Then, he says something when he is awake and it spooks me. He is very clever with words and Now I am always wondering if there is some hidden message to me in everything he says...

That could also be part of my guilt. I just do not know.

[Peachy]

Well...as if the last few weeks have not been horrible enough. Last nite I worked very late in my office, dealing with issues at work. I usually do not work too late and my husband was

trying to reach me by cell phone. I was on the phone but not with the 'other man', I have been avoiding everyone in my family, friends...everyone until I get my head on straight.

Well, I was listening to voice mail messages and making a few other phone calls (banking..where you don't speak to a human!) and by the time I got home I could tell he was fuming! The interrogation began...by the way..I was talking on the cell as I was driving home.

He could reach me on my office line so he knew that I Was at work.

 

I also got a lecture from him about 'welcome to the real world' as far as work goes. What he doesn't seem to appreciate is that I supported him and his WILD schedule for almost 5 years and a couple of weeks of him helping me doesn't really even the playing field. He also said this morning that if I decide to leave that all the problems I will have and he is just going to get on with his life. Like I am now cursed and he makes me feel so insecure, he did this before when I felt weak. He also gave me a chat about when I was heavier (I have lost ALOT of weight, that no man would look at me and he stood by me) Now..he said the first opportunity I got to leave, I am leaving.

 

He takes no responsibiltiy for any marital problems..He insists that it is because of my selfishness that we are at this point. I know that I messed up really bad. He said that whatever things he might have done did not measure up to me being with another man twice. He is right. I just would like for him to realize that while it is NOT his fault that I strayed, part of the problems in our marriage, he needs to own as well. I will never forgive myself for what I have done.

 

So, I proceeded to down a few glasses of wine and try to settle him down. (it seems that this is the only thing that calms me down, lately, ...don't worry, I am not turning into an alcoholic)

So..after I got a little relaxed I tried to be intimate with him. He has been a little pushy about trying to be together and I have asked him please not to push me. Well, I figure that he is still my husband and I should atleast try to see if there is attraction. He is a handsome man and is good physically but I was so jumpy, I felt like I was going to come out of my skin. I am a nervous and emotional wreck and a few things that he tried to do. I instantly told him no.

I was feeling, let's just get this over with???

 

Is this a normal feeling after my problems, I know, maybe a guilty conscience but I cannot live this way. I am feeling that my marriage is over. I am so sad and confused.

[Ntanae]

Peachy,

 

I cannot believe how much your situation sounds like me. Some differences but MUCH of the same. I have been married for 13 years with two boys 12 and 6 of which the first 8 years were with alot of physical and verbal abuse. Since year 9 he has realized that he would lose me if he didn't stop.

 

Well, I started talking on the phone with another man here in town and husband found out by cell phone bills. The other man and I stopped talking and have since picked back up 7 months ago. I didn't say the OM and I had great, great sex too, which we have continued since then.

 

I truly do love the OM and he loves me too. I have been trying to read about others that are in similar situations. Yours is very similar to mine and I am so confused too. cause my husband is basically good man and does love me but I am not in Love with him anymore. I have told husband that i am not in love anymore but he asked me to stay and try to love him again. I don't know what to do and I am so unhappy. I want to be by myself and possibly be able to love again.

Please reply. I really need to talk to someone in the same situation.

[Peachy]

I am really sorry that you are in a similar situation to mine. I have made myself exhausted and physically ill because I am under such a tremendous amount of stress.

 

I must make a decision by tomorrow afternoon and I am frantic. My husband wants an answer so do some other really important people in my life. (NOT the other man). It has to do with some financial stuff and the deadline is tomorrow at 5pm. That's it. Anyway, I do love my husband and am scared to go and scared to stay. I bought a book at the bookstore, Not just Friends, about infidelity hoping to get some solace regarding wether or not to throw in the towel or try to mend the marriage.

 

Mine has not been an ongoing thing, I was only with the other man a couple of times, it is just that I am so very worn out mentally that I just feel that I do not have it in me to fight the good fight. I have read that it can take a more than a couple of years to heal this and I don't know if I have it in me or not. I also have feelings for the other man and that adds to my confusion. It may never work then I will have thrown out a marriage. My husband told me today that if I move and take my son with me that it would be over. He would not want to deal with any kind of reconciliation. NONE. He said if I leave, I am on my own.

 

What to do...At this point, I am 95% sure that I will probably go ahead and finalize the divorce. My husband offers me no guarantees and if we were to divorce later, I am afraid that he will crucify me. Now our divorce is not contested, we have agreed on everything.

 

Oh....Help me. I am lost. I hope that you have more clarity in what to do. I am stuck in an never ending cycle of confusion....one minute I want to stay the next leave. I have messed up things really bad and now I do not feel the same way about my husband. It is hard for him to just kiss me.

[Ntanae]

Hey Peachy,

 

Thanks for responding. I had replied to you this morning and forgot to login and lost the entire reply.

 

Anyway, yesterday my husband was trying to make me feel guilty big time. He is really trying to be the model husband right now but I know that it is becasue he feels threatened by me wanting to leave. What he doesn't understand is that I truly don't want to be here. I really feel bad about messing things up and wanting to take my children children away from the beautiful home that we built 6 years ago. But if I am unhappy here it won't be happy at home. We still constantly argue from time to time. And he still has different views of what my life should be like.

 

I recently graduated from college with my Bachelors of Business Administration degree last month in May and now he feels that since I am out of school I feel EDUCATED enough to leave him and still make it. He has a good job and has always provided a comfortable life for me and I've always had almost everything I wanted. However, like I said that is not everything. I want to be on my own but hte problen is I really DON't know if that is what i want. When I look at him now I think about why? he couldn't be like this before I quit loving him. It used to be that another man could not even look at me. But Now I want hte attention of other men.

 

My husband kept me sheltered just like a child. I was able to go and do some things but only after I begged and begged and proved to him that it would be safe and there would be no other men there. ( which there usually was) I truly do love the OM and think that I would be happy with him. I relly enjoy his company. I just don't wnat ot get caught at this time with him. My husband constantly asks me if there is another man and I tell him that there is no ne else and that I am just not in love with him anymore. In a sense I am lying but in a sense I'm not, becasue I stopped loving my husband way before I started seeing thse OM because of his treatment. Before that I had not been unfaithful to him at all. He just started to make me feel worthless and I have not been able to get over that. But he wants me too. NOW!

 

DO you think that it is normal to feel this way? Am I such a bad person that I cannot find it in my heart to be in Love with him again? I am so confused.

[Peachy]

I am sorry but you are totally asking the wrong person for advice here. I can't even make up my mind to leave or stay.

 

I am such a mess that I really cannot be of any help to you. Even though I do understand your feelings about the other man. Is he married? The other man that I was with is totally single and available and he says that he wants to be with me.

 

I am not sure what to tell you, except don't let it drag on and on like I have. Now I am forced to make a life or death decision today.

[Ntanae]

Peachy,

 

I understand that you cannot help me I just thought it would be interesting to chat with someone who had similar issues as mine.

 

The OM is divorced since about 6 years ago. We started talking about one year after his divorce was final. He is also totally single and wants to be with me too. However our problem is that my husband will try to make us miserable if he ever finds out about it.

 

I hope that you find peace and support if you do decide to go through with the divorce. I have been to a lawyer twice to file and now I am seeing a therapist. I just don't know how much longver I can put up with the faking of everyhting aroung everyone else. He said that his pride would be wrecked. I shouldn't have to worry about that!!!! I have been unhappy for too long. Who knows if the single life would make me completely happy. I do like to go out with my friends - and while I am married - my mother, my husbands mother and him (husband)- always say " whay would a married woman want to do all of that?" Well if I am not married I won't have to hear all of that. I got married when I was 22 and totally gave up all of my freedom and dignity to him - not to mention I was pregnant the first month of our marriage - so he always got to go out and hang out with his freinds and I was pregnant and stuck at home - even after our son was born - my husband never helped me. My life changed drastically while his kept on going.

 

I know I sound like I am going on and on but I just don't understand why now I have to sacrifice now that I have let him run all over me our whole marriage and now that he wants to be the man he should have been years ago - I should just be here waiting for him. He says that he has never cheated on me - but he was always gone playing basketball, domino's, hanging out, talking just whatever he pleased to do!!!- who knows???????