Should I settle.... and give up hope?

[confused kitty]

Im not sure which category this thread really falls into so bear with me!

 

Well its been 4months since my ex broke up with me, it wasnt a bad break up (extreamley painful yes!) but there was no rows or fallouts. It came with him saying he needid time to sort his life out and get his act together (he had alot going on in his life, aswell as depression), that he still loved me and still had feelings for me, that they would never go away and that he never wanted them too. He said I deserved to be happy and deserved the best and that right now he couldnt offer me that, and so he thaught it was best to end it as he was afraid we would end up hating eachother and thats the last thing he wanted!

 

I tryed begging (i know since coming here I really shouldnt have!) but I truely loved this guy and believed I could help him with his problems, as I had done in the past. Hed told me so many times that he was going to marry me, that he wanted me to be the mother of his children. (I never even wanted kids until I met him) He told me at the time we broke up that, "who knows what will happen in the future, I deffenitly dont want this to be it, but by no means are you to wait for me, I want you to be so so happy, because thats what you deserve...."

 

He said I changed him and made him want to be a better person and wanted us to be friends but after afew weeks I went NC, I told him it was too difficult for me to stay in contact, he understood.

 

Afew weeks passed and I started casually dating again, I met a guy and told him the truth from day 1, that i was still trying to get over my ex and didnt want anything serious. Well he soon started to fall in love with me, I told him I thaught we were moving too fast etc and needid to take a step back.

 

Christmas came and at this point Id been NC with my ex for 2months, I felt I was finally over him, maybe even hated him a little. So I stupidly decided I wanted to be the bigger person and wish him and his family happy xmas, I didnt think hed reply but I didnt really care. I just kept it short and sweet, I said " Hope your keeping well, just wanted to wish you and your mum a happy christmas, take care :)"

He texted me back instantly saying how good it was to hear from me and that he so wanted to call me the night before but was afraid that it might be a bad idea as I had told him I couldnt be "just friends"

 

Well long story short I was polite and friendly but kept my feelings under wraps! He kept saying how good it was to hear from me and that it had been way to long, he even said (out of the blue,without me asking) that he hasnt been near another girl since me, I ignored this. He finished up by saying He was going out that night and that he didnt want to text me while he was drinking because he would only end up getting "all loved up" and suggested we meet for coffee to catch up soon! I just replyed with hope you have a good night and left it at that.

 

All my emotions and feelings for him came flooding back as soon as he replyed to that first text, that first text I now regret sending! I kept all my emotions under wraps the whole time, we texted for afew days and it was great, it was light airy and just great to have my best friend back, we joked about with eachother, he even commented how we still had our "little connection" I felt so relieved that he felt it too and it wasnt just me.... it was bitter sweet!

 

He then got sick and had to go into hospital early January for an opperation, I was so worried about him but gave him space and only replyed when he text me first. He soon became cold again, so after afew days I went back NC.

 

Well after he replyed to my fist text afew days before xmas, I told the new guy that I wasnt over my ex at all, even though I thaught I was and that it was unfair to him to string him along etc. He begged but I stayed firm, I really liked this guy, but I was still in love with my ex!

 

So its been nearly a month NC with my ex and about 6weeks since breaking up with new guy. Hes been back in touch the last few days asking will I give him another chance, he says he loves me and is willing to ignore the fact that I might never truely love him.....

 

I just dont know what to do, hes a good guy, in fact hes probably better than my ex in ways, hes the type youd be proud to bring home to meet the parents but the problem is Im still totally in love with my ex, even after all the pain he put me through I still feel and always will that hes The One that got away, Il love him until the day I die...

 

What do I do? Should I give the new guy another chance??

 

I Really need advice!!!

 

P.S Please dont just tell me I need time to heal because Im as "healed" as Il ever be without him, Its like losing a family member, yes it gets easyer in time but you never really get over them, and thats how Il always feel about my ex, We brought out the best in eachother and Ive never had a relationship come anywhere near that one, I thaught I had loved past long term bfs but it was nothing compared to the connection and love I felt with him, and I guess deep down somewhere I still feel like he will come back someday when hes ready. But for now, should I try move on with this new guy???

 

Please help!!

[confused kitty]

Just want to add that my exs mum has sent me afew messages saying how depressed he hes become since the break up and that she hardly knows the person hes become, she also said shes never seen him as happy as he was when we were together, I always got on great with her and she knows the whole story, she believes were meant to be together and has said that he will soon realise what he threw away and come to his sences! Im not sure if she was just trying to comfort me but it was good to hear his own mother saying that!

[ChrisMac]

Just want to add that my exs mum has sent me afew messages saying how depressed he hes become since the break up and that she hardly knows the person hes become, she also said shes never seen him as happy as he was when we were together, I always got on great with her and she knows the whole story, she believes were meant to be together and has said that he will soon realise what he threw away and come to his sences! Im not sure if she was just trying to comfort me but it was good to hear his own mother saying that!

 

It sounds like you need to continue to be firm with the new guy and give the ex a chance. Ask him to get dinner or something. You're clearly not going to reach closure without it, whereas if you continue to give New Guy a try (it's tough saying this, as I sound like New Guy right now), he's never going to have the girl he sounds like he really deserves.

[confused kitty]

Thanks you Chris Mac, you hit the nail on the head, thats exactly how i feel that Ney Guy deserves the chance to find someone that can offer him her whole heart, hes such a nice guy I hate that I feel this way, if I met him this time last year I know Id be in a happy relationship with him but the timing is just all off right now!!

 

Do you think I should stay Nc with my ex and wait for him to reach out or should I contact him with a casual "how are you" text?? I just dont know how to play this anymore, does he still sound interested??

[confused kitty]

Edna Freeman, Im pretty sure he knows I still have feelings for him, as I told him my reasons for going Nc was that I couldnt be "just friends" with him, it was too dificult for me and he said he understood this.

 

Id love to contact him again but Im afraid he will see it as me chasing him when hes only interested in being friends and as a result push him away even more!!

 

I know he still cares about me but Im not sure if he still loves me...

[confused kitty]

Yeah, I guess you could be right..

Can anyone else advise on this, the best way to handle a situation when looking for reconciliation, is NC still advised here??

 

The only concilation I have is that he hasnt dated anyone else since me, so I believe his reasons for breaking up were genuine, that he just had way too much going on to try juggle a relationship too

[kkay]

Hi CK!

 

Sorry to here that you are still in such a confused spot. I am there still as well only I am definitely not ready for a new guy. My ex has slid into an ugly depression and I am confused as to what to do as well.

 

But - advice for you!

I think Edna brings out some good points about how to start conversing with your ex and get the ball rolling again. I think all of this NC/NIC is good advice if you do not want to reconcile but in our cases, we both do. I say stay in his mind but distantly. Check in on him from time to time but do not call or text daily... MAYBE once a week but I think every 2-3 weeks is more ideal.

 

My ex hasn't dated anyone since we have split but like I said, he has slid into a bad case of depression and when I saw him on Sunday he was lower than I have ever seen him and kept saying "He has nothing to look forward to in his life" and that "nothing is exciting anymore". He very rarely reaches out to me but it is quite possible your ex is in the same, dark place. Who knows but if he is there is very little you can do to drag him out of it. It's clear in my exes case (and maybe yours too!) that he has to start the self discovery that I have been doing since the BU.

 

I know it was a little winded but I hope it helps!

[Frank13]

 

He then got sick and had to go into hospital early January for an opperation, I was so worried about him but gave him space and only replyed when he text me first. He soon became cold again, so after afew days I went back NC.

 

 

Nothing says "I don't give a crap about you" like not contacting someone who is sick and in the hospital for an operation. If someone told me they didn't contact me to give me space while I was sick in the hospital, I would tell them to go "F" themself.

 

How you would feel if you were in a bad car accident and rushed to the hospital and no one called or came to see you because they wanted to give you space? Would you believe them if they said they were worried? I wouldn't.

 

So when the chips were down and he could really use a little support, you gave him space and now you wonder why he became cold?

[confused kitty]

***** Frank 13 when you put it that way I totally see where your comming from!!! I never thaught of it that way, I was affraid (and still am) that Im putting too much pressure on him by staying in touch, the way I see it is that hes the one that endid our relationship for his own reasons eg needing space, needing to sort his life out and mainly sort himself out. I didnt want to seem to be chasing him (even though I am) and smothering him!

 

Now I just feel even more confused! What should I say to him now??

Should I just text him and keep conversation light and just general convo or should I tell him how Im still in love with him and see how he responds...??

 

How do I play this now??!

[confused kitty]

Kkay as always thank you for your advice! Your exactly right my ex is also in the same place as yours, very depressed, this had already started before our break up and I could see he was pushing me further and further away for afew weeks before he endid it, but I was powerless to stop it, the more he pushed me away the harder I tryed but still endid up failing, he pushed everyone away though, not just me but I didnt know the peraon he bacame, he was a shell of the great guy I fell in love with, but I still wanted to stick by him and help him through it.

 

When we were back in contact over xmas he was fun, warm and caring again he really seemed back to his old self, this made it even more difficult for me So I know exactly where your coming from Kkay, its extremley tough because its natural to want to reach out and help the ones we love, but when they dont want to accept our help then what can we do??

 

Im not sure about your ex but I think mine is ashamed and feels guilty about everything thats happened and all hes put me through.. Hes always worried far to much about what others think and was always worried about letting other people down as he always put everyone else ahead of himself!

 

Im going to text him tomorrow, Ive grieved our relationship but Im still madly in love with him and I always will be, it will always be him...

 

P.s fingers crossed he even replys after what Frank13 pointed out!

[Frank13]

***** Frank 13 when you put it that way I totally see where your comming from!!! I never thaught of it that way, I was affraid (and still am) that Im putting too much pressure on him by staying in touch, the way I see it is that hes the one that endid our relationship for his own reasons eg needing space, needing to sort his life out and mainly sort himself out. I didnt want to seem to be chasing him (even though I am) and smothering him!

 

Now I just feel even more confused! What should I say to him now??

Should I just text him and keep conversation light and just general convo or should I tell him how Im still in love with him and see how he responds...??

 

How do I play this now??!

 

I don't think a couple texts asking how he was while in the hospital would have hurt. I would have even asked if he wanted you to visit or if it was okay if you did.

 

I know where you are coming from, but sick in the hospital and having an operation and you want to give him space? If he was on his death bed would you do the same?

 

I would contact the ex, tell him that you were worried about him in the hospital and wanted to see him but were afraid and wanted to give him space. Then I would ask if he still wants to go for that coffee.

 

Do not express your feelings!!! He broke up with you and that is only going to put pressure on him.

 

As for the new guy, cut him loose. Nothing is worse than loving someone who doesn't love you back. It is only going to get worse for him if you string him along. It is also possible that he is feeling this way because he wants something he can't have. If this is the case, once he gets you he will probably dump you.

Edited February 16, 2012 by Frank13

[confused kitty]

Thank you so much for your advice Frank, Im going to text him tomorrow and test out the waters, its been 3weeks since we last spoke and he told me how depressed he was (again) and said he was pushing everyone away and didnt feel up to talking.. Fingers crossed this attempt goes better! eek :/

[confused kitty]

So I text him today asking how he was and that I hoped he was feeling better, - he didnt reply!! fml

[confused kitty]

Its been 4 days - still no reply!! Now what...???? Do I just give up? I cant bare the thaught of doing that :-(

 

Part of me wants to write him an email saying that Ive tryed to move on and let him go but I just cant, I want to tell him I still love him and always will and that I hope someday he will realise that and give me another chance....

 

I need thaughts here people!! Is it a case of just not being ready yet, or is he totally over me and never seeing us getting back together??

 

Right now Id be happy enough being friends (with a hope of getting back together) what should I do now? Thaughts??

[smudge21]

Wish I could be more positive for you here Kitty, but I don't see any real strong future for you and your ex, not even for this new guy. I reckon you yourself are still not in a great mindset to have a new relationship and you'll only live to regret going with the new guy, so for his sake alone, end it before he starts to get feelings and ends up posting here.

 

As for your ex, he left you and then comes back and then goes quiet again. Some could say he likes the attention, then once he gets it, knows you're still there to chase him, he backs off. Of course, some could say he's confused, not sure of what he wants... either way, you really think these are good firm grounds to have a relationship on.

 

I firmly believe that the best course of action is to cut all ties with both these guys now and work on yourself. Make yourself stronger as right now you are so emotionally screwed up and unable to make rational decisions. In that state, you're likely to regret whatever decision you make. Basically, you're not thinking straight and you know you're not.

 

You've been through a lot and like the rest of us, we all need time to heal and clear our heads (and hearts). Right now you're ex is far too controlling of you - just re-read your last few posts where he hasn't replied and now you're in bits, totally messed up over it all. He may not be doing it intentionally, but it's clear who's in charge here. You need to be in a better place before you can consider taking him back... and that's the most important part of all this: HE LEFT YOU! It's YOU who should be the one being chased as it's YOU who has to decide whether to take HIM back, but from what you're saying, it sounds like you're chasing him, trying to prove your love to him... why do you have anything to prove. He left you remember, don't forget that.

 

I wish you well and hope you can make the right decision, whatever that may be.

[smudge21]

Right now Id be happy enough being friends

 

Total BS - there's no way you could be just friends with this guy. Stop trying to convince yourself of that. Re-read your own posts and you'll see there's emotions very clearly there that don't belong in a friendship.

[confused kitty]

I know, I know, and deep down I know that you cant be friends with someone your still in love with but it would be better than nothing at all!

 

Thank you for your advice Smudge, But after almost 5months since the BU, I cant let go and move on! How do you get someone out of your head when theyre still in your heart??

How do you ignore the feeling in your gut that its just not over yet, that you two still have so much unfinished business?!

[confused kitty]

Ok so I literally sent my last post on here when HE texted me!!! He appolagised several times for not getting back to me sooner, he said he has alot going on but would like to ring me tomorrow, he said he understands if I dont want to take his call but that he really hopes I will, he said he misses talking to me! He also said hes been in a really bad head space and hasnt even slept in two days, he said he was going to try sleep, as he wasnt able to keep texting me tonight without getting upset...

 

I replyed saying Im starting a new job tomorrow and not sure when Il b able to talk, said Id let him know when Im home and we could take it from there. He replyed wishing me all the best for tomorrow and thanked me for even considering to talk to him, he finished off saying that he would say a prayer for me tonight and was sending me a massive bear hug as he knew they always made me feel better and safe...

 

So now Im literally shaking with nerves, what do I say to him when he calls, how do I play this???

1) keep things light and friendly and just suss him out?

2) hear him out and then tell him how I still feel??

 

Eeeeeeek!

[smudge21]

Healing takes times - mine took most of 2011.

 

As for what you do now, well you make sure whatever you do, you are in control, not him. You're the one who got dumped, he's the dumper. He wants back in your life, he's got to prove it and earn your trust back. Never an easy thing, but if you let him back to easily, you'll live to regret it.

 

Just keep things simple, don't tell him how you feel, in fact, steer the conversation away from feelings for now. Just speak to him as a friend and suss him out. Keep it simple and then decide afterwards how you want to proceed, if indeed you do.

 

Always remember though, that this guy hurt you... it's what brought you here! Now he's coming back and the power is all yours now.

[confused kitty]

Smudge21 Thank you so much for your advise, its really appriciated!

So I pretty much play it cool and see what he has to say? What if he is only looking for friendship right now, then what? Do I go along with this in a hope it will lead to us giving it another go, OR do I decline his friendship telling him I want more??

 

I dont want to seem like Im giving him an ultimatium either...

 

Im more nervous about talking to him tomorrow, than I am about my first day at a new job!!!

[smudge21]

What if he is only looking for friendship right now, then what? Do I go along with this in a hope it will lead to us giving it another go, OR do I decline his friendship telling him I want more??

 

Once again, you're sounding like the one who needs him, like you can't live without him and must have him in your life. Sorry, but in that mind set you are going to mess this all up and there's every chance he'll walk all over you.

 

You take him back without question and all respect is gone. He left you and he has to be the one to kiss your ass right now! No you definitely do not agree to a friendship because (be honest) there is no way you can handle just being his friend. You really think you could face meeting him and his new pregnant fiance at some point, that's what friends do.

 

You need to stay in charge and make him work for it. He hurt you, betrayed you, broke your trust, walked away without a single care and now he comes crawling back... Let him crawl, make him crawl. By playing it cool initially and then reminding him of how hurt you are and how you don't trust him now (surely you don't?) then that puts him in a position where he'll either walk away again, or go all out to prove his love for you.

 

I know you want this guy back more than anything, but that's because you're still in love with him and he's still on that pedestal you've put him on. I would strongly suggest you keep it distant as you do run the risk of just taking him back and then all this happening again.

 

There are plenty more fish in the sea, yet at the moment you're only interested in the one. You still have those rose-tinted glasses on for him so you won't be able to see the whole truth, basically you don't want to (I know that feeling). You still see him as the perfect person you want him to be, but that's not who he is...

 

Oh and what's wrong with giving him an ultimatum? As I said, if he really wants you back, then you could put any road blocks up infront of him as you like, and he'll just climb over them to get to you. Basically, when we love someone and want someone, nothing stops us being with that person... and nothing takes us away from that person.

[confused kitty]

I do still love him, thats pretty obvious but therse no way Im going to let him walk all over me again, thats why Im looking for advice on here before I speak to him - I want to be prepared and come across as strong to him and not just take whatever BS he throws at me, even when he texted last night I let him grovel abit before I agreed to speak to him today...

 

Im not sure but Ive got a feeling he still isnt ready yet, I think he might be just missing me but hes defenitly alot warmer/nicer than he was last time we were in contact!

 

Im going to hear him out and see what he has to say, but Im staying strong - I did my best already and now its his turn to put some serious work in!!!

 

Il keep you posted

[wilsonx]

Im not sure but Ive got a feeling he still isnt ready yet, I think he might be just missing me but hes defenitly alot warmer/nicer than he was last time we were in contact!

 

You're exactly right. He's not ready yet. Do what you have to do and keep focusing on you. When he's ready you will know.

 

But nothing you have done or nothing you continue to do will change the outcome of what is going to happen on his end.

[confused kitty]

But nothing you have done or nothing you continue to do will change the outcome of what is going to happen on his end.

 

Wilson would you mind explaining what you mean by this? What do you think is going to happen on his end???

[smudge21]

Wilson would you mind explaining what you mean by this? What do you think is going to happen on his end???

 

I totally get what Wilson is saying here - basically, if your ex wants you back, nothing you do will prevent him from getting you back. He'll move heaven and earth to get back with you if that's what he really wants. You're worried that you may screw up somewhere, but in reality, he already screwed up and so it's not you that should be worried but him.

 

Your actions, no matter how uninterested they appear, should not put him off IF he really wants you back. Sadly if he doesn't then his actions will prove this, not yours.