Should I settle.... and give up hope?

[kkay]

CK,

What happened?

[confused kitty]

So its been a little over a month since I last posted on here, and since I was last in contact with him.

 

After my last post of him texting me begging for me to talk to him the following day, he never bothered to call - instead I recieved an email afew days later saying he broke his phone and would be in touch soon.

 

Whatever!! I was sooo annoyed with him for letting me down (again!) and even more angry with myself for falling for it (yet again) so I didnt even reply to him, not one call, no texts/emails nothing!!

 

I knew he would be in touch sooner or later...

 

My phone beeped tonight and presuming it was a friend who Id been texting most of the evening I didnt get too excited when I picked it up, but then there it was, his name staring back at me. I went from feeling annoyed and angry at him for over a month to getting that "heart pounding in your chest" type feeling at just seeing his name on my phone.

 

The text read- Hey stranger, hope your keeping well and the new job is going good for you. Sorry I havent been in touch, its been so hectic, I feel really bad even... Actually would you mind if I called you in the morning? Like I said Ive been flat out, been back in the hospital, Id really like to talk to you, I know I can trust you with anything.

I totally understand if your busy and/or dont want to talk to me... Ive been lying in bed for the past hour deciding weather or not to text you, I hope you dont mind that I have, I just really really would love to talk to you.

Sorry if I sound all doom and gloom, just have alot going on. Once again I hope your keeping well and that your happy Massive hug

PS hope I didnt wake you

 

 

WDF???????!!

 

I didnt reply to his text, I was (and still am) in a kind of shock! I want to talk to him more than anything and Ive already gotten my hopes up that he will call tomorrow, but Ive been here before - with him begging me to take his call and then I dont hear a word from him!

 

Sorry, I guess Im just venting right now I really hope he does call but apart of me doesnt think that he will

 

Can anyone shed any light on this??

[safetyv]

I will shed some light for you...

It has been a whole nother month, that's makes what 6 or 7 now? It has been this long and your heart is still pounding when his name pops up on your phone? Well I'm not going to tell you what you should or shoul not do, you must first decide what it is you Want to do, do you still want him back or no?

All I can say is wether it's now or another six months from now you are still going to want some form of closure be it a good long talk or a second chance. Ignoring this is only going to put your life on hold.

You have all the power on this situation. Decide what it is you want and go get it.

[daphne]

He's checking in to see if he still has a hold on you. Unfortunately, it appears he does. I don't know that it would be a good idea to respond, considering that he still affects you. It would only serve to disappoint again, since I think you have expectations for a reconciliation. It's interesting that, if you had no desire you'd probably be able to talk to him just fine. And then he'd really want you back. But somehow, when you do want the person back, it doesn't work that way.

 

I think that's what they explain in the book Passion Paradox.

 

It's your call, but if I were in your shoes doubt I'd respond. Or I would wish him well, but let him know that I've moved on in a gentle way.

[leoc1973]

Confused, I have followed your story and rooted for you and your happiness. I mean when you said,"It will always be him..." my heart just broke for you! Plus I have a brother battling depression and I mean real depression not just the I am sad and I hate my life depression. He can't even bring himself to get out of bed sometimes. Its horrible to watch a young extremely intelligent good looking guy rot away like that. Let me give you a little caution tho cause I kinda went through a similar situation.

 

My ex would contact me once a month like clockwork. She would always tell me that she needed to do this for her and her life and she needed to be on her own. She would cry and tell me how heartbroken she is and she would even use little catch phrases like your big hugs one. Just her saying little things like that sunk the hooks in even deeper. She swore up and down that there was no other guy. She even said it without me asking. I never asked her if she was even dating but she still volunteered the "the thought of another man when I love you so much sickens me"

 

Anyways all the feelings would rush back and even the heart pounding out of my chest you are talking about. I would be back to day 1. Anyways to make a long story short she had a boyfriend. He was flying her all round the world. Meanwhile I am on LS reading every post tring to convince myself that I should either move on or she had gigs or whatever and she would definitely be back because she said we were soulmates.

 

Now the last 2 months she calls and since I have blown her off(new girl) she calls almost every day. Its funny looking back how blind I was and I really thought I would be one of those old men with cats because I would never replace her. I am really starting to be happy again.

 

My advice is just don't be blind. Hell if you need to stalk him for a day to find out if he is seeing somene then go for it. And if this guy really loves you so much that he pushed you away instead of dragging you down with the ship then god bless him he is a better man than me! Keep us posted! The thought of losing you forever might snap him out of it btw!

[confused kitty]

Thank you all so much for the advice, Safetyv yes your correct its been almost 7 months now and Ive tryed everything I could to get over this guy, followed all the advice I recieved on here, tryed being angry with him, tryed dating again, improved myself and my life and yet I still love him every bit as much as I did when we were together, although now I no longer have him in my everyday life. I know exactly what I want (in the ideal world) I want him back! I know it would have to be taken very slowly and a whole new start but ultimetley, that is what I really want. Problem is though, hes nowhere near ready for all that yet, hell I dont even know if he still has any feelings for me after all this time! So there lies my problem - Im still crazy in love with a guy that: A) Isnt ready to give things another go and B) Im not even sure he still cares about me

So how is one to go about getting what she wants when I know deep down hes still not at that point 7 months on??

 

Leo1973- Thank you for your support it means alot! Im not looking at this situation whith rose tinted glasses anymore, Im fully aware of how stupid I sound right now but I am aware of the risks and dangers involved in all this (Ive been through them all already) on this rollocoster!!

I know there is no body else involved, his mom has kept in touch with me from time to time over the whole period, shes still rooting for me but Ive taken a back seat, Im no longer actively trying to force things, instead Ive been taking a back seat the last few months and telling myself " if its meant to be it will happen when the time is right". I wasnt been dramatic by saying "it will always be him.." This is how I still feel to this very day, after all the hurt and dissapointment Ive been through with him!

Im so sorry to hear about your brother, I know exactly what it feels like watching a loved one go through all that, my ex is exactly the same he can spend days in bed at a time and have his phone switched off for weeks on end just to try shut the world out. Its heart breaking watching them go through that and not being able to help them...

 

My problem is Im still at a loss as to what step to take now? Do I reply to his text and tell him he can call me (and hope he does this time) or do I continue NC and let things be? If we did actually speak I think my best bet is to keep my emotions under wraps and allow him to stear the conversation? Thoughts please??

[leoc1973]

I don't want you to take me wrong in any way I genuinely feel for you! When you say that I know exactly how you feel.

 

OK so this guy is actually depressed. People throw word/diagnosis around so easily these days. They think because they are sad then they are "depressed". I am not asking what his actual medical problems are but does him in and out of the hospital have anything to do with the depression? Is he starving himself to death or something? I have seem my bro go days without eating. My bro has this one girl that was the love of his life, this girl was an actual saint in my book and he did everything he could do to push her away. I ask him why and he says stuff like "why do I want a girlfriend when my hand does the same thing" its sad really.

 

Your guy needs help. I guess he is probably embarassed and just feels he can't look you in the eye. I think you need to somehow let him know that you would never judge him in any way. Maybe do so through his mother. Maybe his mother is telling him stuff that is making him feel funny around you. Maybe when he is down she is trying to use psycology on him to get him out of bed like what if she seen you like this.

 

I think the only thing you can do is let him know he can call if he wants and hope that he does. Tell him you are going to stop by and check his reaction. Maybe if you absolutely insist he will give in.

 

Obviously if its all a game or something with him then normal NC would apply but this guy needs help.(I think)

 

Let us know if he ends up calling. If he doesn't pick up the phone and call his mother!

[confused kitty]

No hes been in and out of hospital with his gaulbladder, at least thats what hes told me! He lost Alot of weight last September/October and it really affected his confidence, he hated how skinny he looked, this was just before he broke up with me but I seen him afew months later and he looked pretty good again. Hes the type that likes to work out and on days when hes not too depressed he goes to the gym, I think it gives him a focus and in a way I think its his way of keeping some sort of control on his life.

 

When you talk about your brothers girlfriend (ex?) it was like you were talking about me! Its like the more I tryed to help him the further he pushed me away.. I met him afew weeks after the break up to talk and try get closure, he was a mess I didnt even recognise the person he had become. He let slip by accident that he had been seeing a councilor and when he realised hed said it he got very embarressed and changed the subject. Im not sure if hes still seeing him anymore..

 

I text him just now saying I would speak to him if he still wanted someone to talk to and hes just replyed saying he will call in an hour.

 

Guess we will see if he does then,,,, Il keep you posted

 

Thank you once again Leo

[confused kitty]

Just quickly checking in on my phone. He called!!! Several times actually and we have been texting all day :-D Will stop by tomorrow to give a propper update...

[dev781]

I have told my ex-girlfriend pretty much the same things he's been telling you. So I am pretty much in his position except for the depression part. I just can't be with her because I did not take enough time to heal from previous relationships and I am going to work abroad. There isn't a single day that I am not thinking about her by the way, I just know that it wouldn't be a good thing right now.

 

One thing is different tho. She ignores me and won't talk to me or want to see me anymore. How I wish she would be as receptive as you.

 

Want to make him crazy and want to come back for good? Don't be so available, don't reply often. Only short messages. He's gotta see that you're going to be a challenge. Men love to be challenged and if he gives up then he doesn't deserve you.

[safetyv]

Ok confused kitten good.as long as you are 100% sure of what you want.

My only advice from here is this: you know this guy better than anyone on this forum, you have to "feel" the situation. Feel what he is thinking and what it is he wants. You were with him long enough you should be able to interpret what it is he wants based on actions and not words.

 

Plus if it makes you feel any better I broke up with my ex and I desperately want her back, but I often ignore her txts and act cold toward her. It's just something we do to protect ourselves so if he is doing this don't take it too personally.

[confused kitty]

So the last 24hours have been pretty strange (to say the least) so like I said he called several times yesterday and we were texting all day - he was warm and friendly, something he hasnt been in such a long time, such a contrast from the cold and distant guy he has been over the last 7 months!

 

So after texting all day he asked would I meet up with him ( I was fully aware of all the risks involved but we were getting on so well I was curious to see what would happen) I agreed and he came over to my place and we hung out, we caught up on everything that been going on with eachother since the Bu. After after hours it was pretty clear it was going to be a late night so we had afew beers and laughed and goofed around alot. It was amazing how it felt like the past 7 months never happened, it felt exactly like old timea and he mentioned this afew times during the night!

He endid up spending the night with me but nothing sexual happened, we lay in bed talking all night long, he even asked could he cuddle me!!

 

Neither of us spoke about the break up, or any mention of trying again, we just kept it all very light and fun and enjoyed eachothers company. He did call me by pet names like he always used to, even this morning when he was leaving he thanked me for a great night, said he had forgotten how just how great I was, and that hed really like to do it again real soon! We hugged for ages (it felt like he didnt want to leave) and once again calle me affectionate pet names....

 

So there it is guys, thats how my last 24 hours has been and to be honest it almost felt like a dream!!

 

Im leaving it up to him now to make the next move, hes going to have to work for this to gain my trust again... Thaughts??

[Jessica w]

If the new guy is willing to stick with you and see where it might lead even after you were honest and told him you still had feelings for your ex... I would give the new guy a chance at least.

[safetyv]

I have taken the ideology lately that some mistakes have to be made. It sounds to me like you are really into the idea of getting back together? I think you should let him make the moves, but make it apparent that you want him to make the moves.

 

P.s. I am both really happy for you and really jealous of you haha

[confused kitty]

Haha thank you Safetyv, Im not getting my hopes up just yet its still early days but its deffenitly a huge improvement and such a long way from where we have been the past few months!

Yes ideally I would like to get back together but he has alot of proving to do, he has to show me he wants it as much as I do because Ive been through enough hurt with him. We will see how it goes, fingers crossed :-/

 

Il keep you all posted;)

[smudge21]

You clearly love this guy so much and I do hope it works out a second time but I fear that your desire for him may cloud your judgement. You should never forget what happened and what led you to LS. Despite how you open up to us here, you should try to hide these emotions from him as it's still early days and the last thing you want is for it all to come crashing down again after you've opened your heart to him.

 

Just play it safe and try to keep at a safe distance until he has earned you trust and respect back. Don't sell yourself short and focus on the fact that you have been strong and he's been chasing you - let him continue to chase and do all the work. You have nothing to prove to him, he has everything to prove to you...

[Confusedguy1988]

Man I just read through this entire thread and I do have to say that I'm really happy for you. I'm in sort of a similar situation however slightly more complex I think. My ex and I have been broken up for about 3 months however we still share a bedroom with separate beds. We were kind of on and off for the first month. He did a little casual dating and then broke down and begged me to take him back. We sort of got back together (not officially or exclusively) but I also sort of started seeing someone who had also just gotten out of an LTR. A couple weeks later my ex broke things off again and just said while he missed me and wanted to be with me again he just wasn't ready. I was a little upset but I was pretty happy with my new guy (which i kept a secret). Another month passed and I slowly started to realize that my feelings for this new guy were just me hiding my pain over the breakup. It had been about 2 months at this point and my ex and I had still been both sleeping in his bed even though I had my own. Then one of his old friends from his hometown gave my ex the number of one of her friends. They started texting for about two weeks and at this point things were really starting to fizzle out with my new guy. My ex finally met the guy and over the past 2 weeks they've hung out a total of 3 times. I confronted my ex about it and he said that they were dating and that it wasn't a rebound and that he really likes the guy. I obviously creeped his facebook and the kid is actually really cute similar features to me around my height shorter dark features and facial hair. I told my ex that he should be careful and that you don't know when you're rebounding. I've been so sick to my stomach for the past 2 weeks and I actually drunkly called my ex when I was drunk a couple nights ago and he was hanging out with his new guy and i guess i told him that I hated him and that he was ruining my life etc. I was so embarassed about it. He came home the next day and told me that I owed him dinner. We went to dinner i apologized and he spent the entire dinner talking about his new guy. I was so upset that I ended up going to my parents for the night so that I wouldn't have to see him. He also found out that I've been taking xanax to deal with my anxiety and he actually sent me a text this morning telling me that i cannot drink if I'm on xanax. I told him that i knew that and that I appreciated his concern but not to worry about me. We've been texting for the past 30 minutes casually about a show we both watch. I'm just having such a hard time accepting that he really just all of a sudden has moved on and found his dream guy. Yes we've been broken up for 3 months but the first couple months were sort of on and off and the most we've gone with NC is probably a day or two. Our lease is up at the end of may so I'll be living with him until then. I just don't know if i should act distant or just try to put on a brave face and act like it isn't bothering me.

[confused kitty]

Smudge thanks for your advice, I was hoping you would stop by again.

Im defenitly keeping my guard up until he has fully gained my trust and proved himself. Like I said neither of us has spoke about the past as of yet, he continued to text me yesterday afternoon after he had left my place, but I wasnt being emotional or needy - even when he called me "baby" afew times when we were hanging out I just ignored it, I didnt want to make an issue out of it..

 

Im not sure if this was the right or wrong thing to do??

I havent heard from him today but Im not going to contact him, I think hes probably waiting to see if I will, but its time he did the chasing now!!!

 

Im wondering if it would be ok/acceptable for me to ask whats going on here?? Or should I wait another while and see where it goes or what he has to say?

I want to know whats going through his head but I dont want to come across as if Im the one asking him back....

[safetyv]

Ok can i just ask. As a guy who wants his ex back, if your not going to txt him or show any reaction to his affection etc until he earns your trust back, how is he to know you want him back?

I get mixed signals from my ex. One day I think she wants me and the next I feel like I should just leave her to live her life because she acts so cool.

 

Now my situation is obviously different to yours but all I'm saying is as a guy we really struggle to understand what girls want without a little direction.

[OffandOnStillinLove]

I only read your original post and not others' posts, so i wanted to give my own opinion and not be swayed by what others' have said here, but I would really truly take some time to yourself, to really sort out what is going on in your heart and mind, and tell the new guy you need time to just realize what you feel and what you've been thru, which sounds like a lot! , and also I wouldsay, if you come to the place where you think the original ex-boyfriend is truly your love, and has healthy qualities that you want in a husband,etc, then can you have a serious talk with him, taking it VERY SLOWLY, but maybe going to counseling or some person who is neutral and can help each of you, but together? Its just an idea, b/c it sounded like the 1st guy is dealing with shame or some perception he "doesn't deserve you" [although this can be a "cop out" excuse, he sounded genuine] and can he or HAS he come to a place where although he's having a hard time in life, if he really loves you and wants to try again, are you willing to grow with him and let him go thru some painful things that he might have to deal with, but you grow and love each other thru it?

Sorry that was a massive run-on, but Im just thinking that when two people are mutually in love, that this is RARE and good, and if both are willling to try/ work on it, be honest. etc, than it could work, if you both respect, care, listen, etc!! I hope this makes sense!

The new guy could be worth it, but if you've got such a connection with the 1st and its mutual, and he is willing to get help. alone or with you in counseling, then this is "life" and people have issues all the time, and he is the one you've invested part of your time in, and you love him...

NOW< that being said, if guy 1 is a roller coaster and not good news and you think it's dangerous,toxic.... then still give yourself time ALONE and then try with guy 2

I hope this helps - -

[confused kitty]

Safetyv thats exactly what I was worried about!!! I dont want to give him the impression that Im not interested anymore because that couldnt be further from the truth, but having said that how do I show that I am still interested but without coming ascross as needy or putting pressure on him??

I do still love him alot but hes hurt me in the past and I dont want to let him think that I "need" him back - I want him to work for it and to genuinely want me back....

 

How do I show him that I do indeed want to get back together but without coming across as a dumb love-sick woman whos willing to put her heart on the chopping board again???

[confused kitty]

OffandOnStillinlove - The drama has progressed much further that my Op, new guy is gone and I had timr to myself. Now old guy is back in the picture. Its kind of complicated and way to long to retype but feel free to read the rest of my posts to get the full update, Thank you for your advice though :-)

[safetyv]

the more i think about your thread the more i relate with you confused kitty. after our breakup i had a new girl for a while until i kissed my ex one night and realised i still loved her so let new girl go.

 

well anyway in my situation my ex has been doing things that i percieve to be signs that she is interested (she had breakfast with my mother, has started txting me and visiting my work) and even then i am holding my cards to my chest because i cant tell if she wants merely friendship or something more. but they have definately made me sure that i want to chase her.

 

now im not saying start txting him and talking to his mum or anything like that, all im saying is that its scarey being a guy. making a move means you have to find out wether what your hoping for is real or not. sometimes its easier to not know and just hope.

 

if you are going to reach out make it very light. idk an excuse to txt him or stumble by him for some reason or something, its all pretty situation specific so i dont wanna give any advice in case its not suitable to the kind of interaction you and your ex would percieve as acceptable.

[confused kitty]

Our stories do sound simular, Im still pretty close with his Mom, we always got on well. She text me yesterday thanking me for even giving him the time of day after all he put me through, she said he told her we had a great time and that she was so happy we were back talking and working things out.

Obviously I have no idea what he told her but "working things out" was her choice of words!

 

Il try suss him out somemore hes been texting me again all morning again at least hes interested in somthing! I just need to find out what that is exactly lol

 

Mind you after not really speaking for 7months,this is quite a nice situation to be in :-)

[smudge21]

Does he know how much her hurt you when he betrayed your trust and respect? Have you ever told him how you felt about all that? Some people simply don't think that deeply so he may very well not know how to proceed on this.

 

Talk to him - contact him with simply "we need to talk" - nothing more, get him a little concerned and be honest and upfront about it all. Yes, you do still like him and would like to rekindle things, but he betrayed you and broke the bond you two had. You don't want to jump into this again only to end up being hurt, so in your eyes, he has to prove he can be trusted and rebuild those bridges he burned down with his actions.

 

Relationships have to rely on respect, and if you simply take him back without making him realise the pain he's caused, then he will lose any respect he had for you and that could lead to him doing all this again. You have to show him how much you respect yourself so he knows exactly what he has to do to get back with you.

 

Never forget, you're in charge here and you have all the power.