Should I settle.... and give up hope?

[confused kitty]

Oh god, Im afraid to ask him, I keep chickening out! Im afraid it will push him away again. We have come such a long way the past few days, hes gone from being cold and distant and hardly even talking to me, to texting me everyday and asking could we hang out.

I guess Im worried it will put too much pressure on him and he will revert back to how hes been for the last 7 months! I know Im supoosed to be the one in control here but honestly Im still afraid that asking him will ruin how things are going right now...

 

Could I just wait to ask him in person when we next hang out? At least then he cant avoid the question an will have to give me some sort of an answer, plus Il be able to judge his reaction...? Thaughts on this please??

[smudge21]

Are things really that good if you're avoiding the previous issues. If you don't deal with them then what are the foundations of your relationship really like; what message are you giving him after his actions. That what he did is okay as you'll always be there to take him back after a few months of NC. I know plenty of people who are in bad relationships with serial cheaters and it's all because the cheater has no respect for their partner. The partner just let them off each time and so now it's too late to really have it out with them and lay down the law, so to speak.

 

You say you're scared of pushing him away and losing him as right now it's all bright colours, fluffy animals and happiness and you don't want to ruin that. I get that, I truly do. When we love someone, it's always so much easier to ignore the bad and focus on the good as we don't want to lose them, but that's not a 50/50 relationship is it. It's living a lie and ignoring what has happened. Surely you want a serious committed relationship and for that he has to respect you as you respect him. You must confront what has happened and deal with it. Yeah, getting bossy with him and being all serious will change things as they are now, but this is really the only time to do it. You can't take him back, have a relationship and then a year later start asking him about all this.

 

You need to show him that in order to be with you he has to understand that you won't put up with any bull****, no lies, cheating, none of that stuff. He has to understand how much you are worth and what he could lose, and that you mean it too - hence why this is not a conversation to have when you're in bed together. You pretty much have to show him that yes you do want him, but also you can live without him. You do that by being strong and dealing with the problems before this gets any more serious.

 

You can't be afraid of him leaving you because you've brought this up, if he does that, then that shows you how serious he is about the relationship. As I said before, when we want someone, we move heaven and earth to get that person and nothing stops us.

 

I know it's frightening to think about losing someone we love, but remember it wasn't you who brought you to this place, it was him and his actions. You really should have nothing to fear or be worried about. If he truly loves you, then he will do anything he can to be with you.

[confused kitty]

Smudge21 You totally right (as always) and I 100% agree with what you are saying here and I do want him to respect me while still coming across as strong and independant. The issue Im having is with having that conversation over the phone...

I would feel much more comfortable having it in person when we next hang out, which he has asked to do already but I put him off until the weekend as I dont want to seem too available to him.

 

Im thinking Il just ask him "whats going on here?" and see where he takes it from there but I need answers from him, I need to know where I stand and what his intentions are before I get totally sucked in again by him....

[smudge21]

Im thinking Il just ask him "whats going on here?" and see where he takes it from there but I need answers from him, I need to know where I stand and what his intentions are before I get totally sucked in again by him....

 

Well said - good luck with it.

[confused kitty]

Wow where to start..? Well afew days ago I asked him out straight what was going on here and told him If we were "just friends" then I couldnt continue hanging out like we have been. So I told him to take afew days and decide what it is that he wants and he could contact me when he had decided. So the following day he asked could he meet me (I lied and said I wasnt around until the weekend, not wanting to be too available etc) so I went to see him yesterday and we talked it out - for 5 hours!!!!

 

He told me everything, I was hoping he would, how hes still crazy in love with me and genuinely sees himself setteling down & marrying me with kids the house, the whole works..

He said he he pushed me away because he was scared, because he knew I was The One and it frightened him, he said he was afraid he wasnt ready to fully commit to me and to the "rest of our lives together" ( to which I laughed and said I wasnt/ and still aint looking for a proposal anytime soon) He also went on to tel me how hes wanted me back the whole time, and that he hasnt stopped thinking about me for one day over the past 7months, but that he felt too ashamed to tell me after all he had put me through and how much hurt he had caused me.. This was the reason he was cold and distant, because he didnt feel like he deserved me and said that he couldnt handle talking to me because he still loved me too much but knew I deserved better..

 

So basically the first 2 months he spent regretting breaking up with me and then the last 5 months hes been trying to improve himself and better himself so that he could at least be in with half a chance of winning me back ( his words)

 

I told him how much he had hurt me and that despite the feelings I still had I could no longer trust him, I said he had Alot to prove to me to show he really had changed and that this time he was 100% commited, he fully agreed to all my terms and conditions.

I had to leave, and so I told him Id have a think about everything and be in touch soon. I dont want him to think that everything will be all lovey dovey and hearts and flowers right away, he has to earn all that! When I was leaving he asked could he kiss me, I said sure, and then turned so that he got my cheek, he joked it off and said he deserved that! We hugged and I left...

 

So there it is guys... How did I do??

As always Id really appriciate all your oppinions and feedback

Edited April 22, 2012 by confused kitty

[smudge21]

I think you handled it really well and you stayed strong. It's so easier to just accept a loved one back, but you knew you had to make him work for it and prove himself, and that's what you've done. Now you need to stick to it and take things steady - more of that cheek thing will be good.

 

The important thing is to be open and honest and that goes for both of you - if you have any doubts, bring them up and talk them through. Relationships are built from strong foundations, and that's what you two are working on right now.

 

Good luck and whenever you get a bit lost, just re-read everything you've said here and the advice you've been given.

 

 

Oh and as someone who would love to have had their ex come back, I am a bit jealous... but very happy for you.

[confused kitty]

Thank you so much Smudge, as always your advice has been greatly appriciated, and always totally on the ball! Its funny though, I imagined and played all this out in my head so many times, and I always imagined Id find it really difficult to stay strong and not burst into tears and fall back into his arms straight away, but instead i genuinely found it easy, I didnt feel like I was "playing games" I felt strong, I knew I deserved his respect and I was making sure that I got it this time round!!

 

Were meeting again tomorrow evening to discuss things further, this time Il be laying down the ground rules again to make sure were both on the same page before we even think about starting over, so that we both know exactly where we stand before getting involved again.

 

I hope its ok to continue stopping by from time to time...

 

Fingers crossed and wish me luck, this is where the real work begins! :-)

[safetyv]

I am so happy for you ck. almost as much as I am jealous, thanks for sharing this with us because I have learnt a lot which I hope to apply to my situation through reading your posts.

Congrats again

[confused kitty]

Aw thank you Safetyv, Im glad you could take somthing from my situation and apply it to your own, just remember no two situations are the same.. The best advice Ive learned on here is to stay strong and respect yourself firstly before you can expect someone else to respect you.

My keeps saying over and over how theres "something different about me, but he cant work out what it is?" I had a little chuckle to myself and thaught "yea, this time I respect myself and Im so much more confident because of that, I now know I deserve his respect and I wont settle for anything less!" and its clearly showing, he keeps saying its driving him crazy and makes him want me even more..

For the first time in this relationship, I feel like Im the one holding all the cards..and it feels pretty damn good!!!

 

From the bottom of my heart, Good luck to you all, i genuinely mean that! :-)

 

Ps Im going to write a thread to let everyone on here know that second chances do exist, because we dont get enough feedback on success stories on here...

[Leigh 87]

awwwwwwww I am soo happy for you!!!!!! :) I really love my boyfriend, and think I would also view him as the one for me, long after he dumped me ( providing he did not cheat or lie or act like a jerk:)

 

I really do think if we broke up, that I would think about him EVERY night... I would think about him hugging me in bed every night, and miss it terrible. I would learn to live with it; I would not stop missing him, though.

 

Because I know what it feels like to be really in love, I am SO happy for you:) really... Plz update us, and let us know how it goes!!!!1

[confused kitty]

So its been about 3 weeks since we've started working things out - some days have been good, really good in fact, but some days have been extremely tough! This past week has been horrible, hes been really down (depression again!) and as a result hes been distant and shutting me out :-(

Its like Jackel and Hyde, he can go from being the most loving,caring and funny guy to being this selfish,cold and distant shell of himself and quite frankly it tares my heart out when hes being like this...

 

I was speaking to his mum yesterday and she mentioned that she thinks he may be afraid of commitment, she said she knows he loves me and how he never stops talking about me and things we've done and plans we have made. She also suggested if it would be an idea if we/he should go to relationship therapy??

 

Im not sure if she has mentioned this to him directly but I certainly dont think it would go amiss in the situation we are in!

 

I guess Im looking for your thaughts on this? Would I be justified in suggesting we try this?? Im really not sure if he would be open to the idea, he finds it extremely difficult talking about his feelings and opening up and Im not sure if he would be willing to give it a try....

 

Im calling to see him tomorrow, so planning on sitting him down and trying to talk all this through. Would really appriciate your oppinions guys :-(

[pteromom]

- He was depressed and wasn't ready for a commitment with you, so he left

- Alone and going through medical challenges, he felt lonely

- You were there, but were distant, so you became a challenge

- You stood your ground when he professed his love, so you became more of a challenge, and he thought he really really wanted you

- He won the challenge and got you back

- Now he is still depressed, and still isn't ready for a commitment with you, and is right back to where he was before

 

That is what I get out of your story.

 

The description of Jekyl/Hyde; loving/caring to selfish/cold sounds BPD.

 

Think about what you really want your life to be. Don't use only EMOTIONS to make decisions. Make choices based on what you want your life to be. And don't use his mom's words to decipher what HE's thinking/feeling. It's up to him to share that with you, and if he won't, you have a major problem.

[leoc1973]

here is a possibility. A friend of mine had a boyfriend. She used to ask my advice and I was baffled. She told me he would go from the most loving caring awesome guy to a few weeks later laying in bed all day and just didn't want anything to do with her. She would try to reason with him and he would just get very hostle told her to get out and this went on for a long time. I actually thought maybe he was depressed or bipolar.

 

It turns out he was hooked on Hydrocodone. When he had some he was amazing and when he was out and going through withdrawls he was a monster.

 

She never found out till a while ago when she met with him and he appearently is clean now and told her everything.

 

Just a thought?

[confused kitty]

Pteromom - When hes in good form, I want my life to be spent with him, he says how he wants to marry me one day, and sees me as the mother of his children.. He says these things, I dont bring any of them up in conversation, its always him! He says he plans to move closer to where I live so we can see eachother more, he says he wants to be with me all the time and hates when I have to leave....

 

When hes okay, hes able to communicate quite well with me and he will open up to me (something he says he doesnt do with others) but when hes in bad form is when he shuts down, switches his phone off for days even weeks and completely blocks everyone out...

[xenomorph]

This sounds like he's going through something beyond your capability. It sounds like he needs professional help, to be honest.

 

Has he been seeing a therapist? If not, you should make that a condition for reconciliation, because his behavior is detrimental to both of your well beings.

 

He may need it, considering everything he's been going through.

 

A part of me thinks he became more attached to you during his time in and out of the hospital because being ill can make you yearn for the things that were solid in your life. He wasn't exactly in a position to run around rebounding. Not to take anything away from what sounds like a guy who truly does love you, but I think his illness, for better or for worse, was a major factor in your reconciliation.

[pteromom]

Pteromom - When hes in good form, I want my life to be spent with him, he says how he wants to marry me one day, and sees me as the mother of his children.. He says these things, I dont bring any of them up in conversation, its always him! He says he plans to move closer to where I live so we can see eachother more, he says he wants to be with me all the time and hates when I have to leave....

 

When hes okay, hes able to communicate quite well with me and he will open up to me (something he says he doesnt do with others) but when hes in bad form is when he shuts down, switches his phone off for days even weeks and completely blocks everyone out...

 

But you have to realize that ALL OF THIS is him. It's not like the sweet loving forward-looking guy is the "real" him, and there is something you could do/say to make the bad part of him go away. It's all part of him.

 

So if you marry him, you are signing up for a roller coaster of a life - amazing highs and horrible lows. And if you have children with him, you are signing THEM up for a life where Daddy shows them love, then wants nothing to do with them.

 

It is also common for people like this to become verbally and/or physically abusive once they have you in a situation where they feel you are committed.

 

Lastly, even in the best of relationships, it is common for things to go downhill once children enter the picture (at least for a while). If you think having him shut down for weeks is hard now, wait until you have two kids and a dad who won't help and causes emotional stress on top of that.

 

I just want to make sure you use logic to make any decisions. Do not just go by what you FEEL for him when he is feeling happy. Weigh it all and decide if that is what you want your life to be...