A new drama filled story..

[That Z Guy]

So this will probably be a long story but I hope it’s not too long and worth a read… Me and my girlfriend dated for about 5 years. We are both very strong minded people who are usually seen as very opinionated and motivated.. Well because we are both very headstrong that caused a lot of fights and disagreements throughout the relationship but we always had each other’s back no matter what and I loved and respected her like no other. One thing I think I need to say about her is that she was never good with her emotions and always tried to run away from the relationship and I would chase her even of it was her fault. Her previous relationships were never as long as ours and there were “easy” as she puts it and not as much “struggle”. She said she never loved someone so much though as she did me..Anyway we had typical fights and moments of extreme happiness and sadness until crap really hit the fan about 3 years in..

 

 

She cheated on me..She lied about a lot and I found out through snooping and her friends..She used many different excuses some I accepted as valid at the time and some I thought were just pathetic. She said because we were drifting apart she started talking to guys online and met up with one but it meant nothing her and it was a huge mistake etc etc..We never really broke up and I also cheated on her out of revenge and spite which I know was unhealthy..We kept trying to work it out but my rage and jealousy over what happened never really went away and it took almost a year and a half to not bring it up or look at her in disgust even though I made the same mistake as well…So things carried on once again for a few more years with ups and downs more more downs then ever before..

 

 

Then comes the last year stretch of our relationship. At this point I did feel I was “settling” and I think she did as well and she felt like she did way more work in the relationship and provided more than I did. Mind you she once again was not very good at talking about emotions until she gets very angry and she just blurted everything out at once..She also has a temper and so do I..She would also have bits of depression at times which she tried to hide from me..This needs to be further explained..She had a boyfriend in highschool that was her first love that died in a car accident..This mentally scarred her more then she admits and she said it affected her life in such a horrible way etc. She stayed close to his family and they saw her as a daughter that fam consisted of the dead ex bfs mom and little brother…This is where things turned for the worst..

 

 

Towards the end of the relationship she told me she fell out of love with me and she no longer felt a deep connection. It was a very dramatic break up with lots of fighting screaming and crying but the kicker happened about a month after we officially broke up..She had a rebound..And that rebound was the little brother of the dead ex bf..He is two years younger than us..I knew when I hung out with that family that he had a crush on her and it bugged me how close they would get at times but she would always say “I only see him as a little brother” and “eww I would never mess with him that’s awkward”.. Ya well he ended losing his virginity to her and needless to say I was confused and livid..And this leads on to the next chapter..

[That Z Guy]

I was sick with anger and missing her like crazy..Even though she lied to me so many times and betrayed me I wanted her back. I did all the things that a guy shouldn’t do. I tried to be super nice I begged I got mad the whole 9 yards..She told me she was crazy in love with him and she never felt this way before and she seriously looked insane while she was explaining it to me for my “closure”..I never seen her act like this and I was told that she was going to counseling which she should have done years ago. I think deep down she knew messing with the little brother was very bad not just for her but others, even his mom hated my ex for messing around with him..Everyone pretty much disagreed with it and I think all that hate pushed her to go against everyone’s wishes and date him anyway…

 

 

I never truly was over her but two months later I started messing around with another girl and we had a FWB agreement and it wasn’t serious. When I finally wasn’t so upset I started texting or replying to my ex in a non-angry tone and she said she can see I was changing in general. We met up and I told her about new girl and she seemed happy for me..We kept hanging out and eventually she cheated on little bro with me on more than one occasion only 2-3 months into the relationship..Well im sure you can all predict what happened next..She started telling me how much she misses me and she can’t believe shes messing around with the little bro and hes a rebound and she loves me so much. Mind you this guy is nothing like me..He is the pure definition of nice guys finish last while im more of the @$$ hole kinda guy I guess..Im loud blunt and I speak my mind and that’s how she is..He is more silent bottles up his emotions and forgives anything she does. She eventually told him everything she was doing with me and he forgive her instantly.. and after all the I love and miss you calls came in like a fool I rushed back into her arms..

 

 

We were both smart enough to know that this might be to early and we both probably didn’t change enough but we decided to “try it out” anyway..We were acting like boyfriend and girlfriend yet never officially had the title and apparently she did not have the dedication because within months she was chatting up little bro again..She said they are just friends and I was mad and tried to control her and say screw that if you are trying to be with me then hes out of the picture. She would lie about chatting with him even if things were innocent and would always use the same excuse that she lies because shes afraid of my reactions and doesn’t want to fight..I always said when I found out you lie the fight will be 90x worse..After a while she decided she does not want to try towards a goal of a relationship but still hangs around me while slowly getting distant..This went on a total of 6 months or so until she tells me she has slept with little bro again and she is not sure how she feels…

 

 

She pretty much kept talking to both of us and I was tired of being a part of this weird emotional threesome with her so I went NC for about 2 months..This time not desperate for her but trying to forgive myself and her for everything that has happened. Story continues..

[That Z Guy]

So here we are now..I still love her but im very jaded and im not desperate to be with her as much. In general I guess im not looking for a relationship but things are still weird with us and she says she doesnt want a relationship right now..She always goes out of her way to contact me and in the past it was always me chasing and doing that with her..She said she is single even though she is messing around with little bro. She said she was crazy before about him but that was just admiration and she realizes that they are way to different and probably won’t work ever…Mind you this was rare conversation cause if I ever bring him up if we talk she flips out and says she doesn’t want to talk to me of all people about him. She also says she loves him to him yet when I ask if shes in love she says “I don’t know” or “It doesn’t matter none of your business”..I guess I was pretty much trying to stay mutual with her but keep my distance at the same time but this last weekend I went against my better judgment and slept with her..I asked if she was going to tell him and she said “Im not sure im single anyway”..I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to go NC but it is very hard..Part of me wants try to be friends or more one day but I will feel like shes playing both me and that other guy again..If I get responses I will explain things more but my emotions are very torn right now..Above all I still love her for some damn reason and I think she still loves me for some reason as well..Its like a tornado meets a volcano yet we keep coming back…There are very few people who root for us to “fix” our differences and be together while the rest say to stay the hell away..If it was easy to stay away I would have done so a long time ago but im not the only one who keeps coming back..It has officially been a year since our break up and about 5-6 months since we stopped doing a "trial run" to be together..Right now I think he is filling a void like he did when we first broke up..She was hurt and alone and he was mr nice guy right there by her side and now that we gave up she once again goes back for his company but still always stays in contact with me..I dont get it nor do I know what to do with her..

Edited February 14, 2012 by That Z Guy

[Dark Phoenix]

Walk away?

 

You compare yourself as being the better man but you call yourself and ******* and then prove it by sleeping with her while she has a boyfriend. To me, there's a huge emotional trust issue. Probably with her too! How can she trust someone emotionally if they chase and have sex with them while they are in a relationship with someone else. Deep down in their subconscious, they dont.

 

It doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things but you need to work on your own demons before judging her or her new boyfriend.

 

My 2 cents!

[That Z Guy]

Ya I do have things I need to work on and so does she..And there are trust issues and obviously there has been cheating in the past and shes doing it with him who says she wont do it with me again? Regardless I did not force anything and to be honest she usually pushed for things not me..The thing is she doesnt even call him a "boyfreind" and I even told her if she loves him and trully wants to be dedicated to him then she shouldent be messing with me cause I did not like that while we were together..Yet she pushed anyway to sleep with me..Shes cheated on him with me I dont know how many times..I told her she should probably be single and not see either one of us yet this circle happens..And I know im being weak by sticking around even if im not as desperate for her as I once was..

[That Z Guy]

And to clarify I havent had sex with her while I was in a relationship it was always her..Before when she was dating him and now when shes "seeing" him..

[Tiera D]

dark i need your advice in my post will u help me?please in a dilemma right now

 

TD

[That Z Guy]

dark i need your advice in my post will u help me?please in a dilemma right now

 

TD

 

Are you serious? Get out of my post lol..Jeez I would not do such a blant hijack when someone is looking for advice/opinions..

[That Z Guy]

Anyone else want to chime in?

[That Z Guy]

She invited me out for lunch on V day yesterday and paid...I dont get her sometimes and im not sure what her goal is...She can say she only wants to be friends but then she will do something that proves otherwise..I wish she was trully single but the fact shes seeing "little bro" makes the situation even more dumb and confusing....

[Love_sick_me]

I'm just wondering what do you really want out of this? It seems like she is still really confused about what she wants. She's contacting you and wanting to be friends. Maybe she just feels bad. Right now, both of you need to work on getting over each other. As in getting over all the negativity before even talking about being friends or getting back together.

 

Hopefully this helps.

[That Z Guy]

That is a great question....I used to want her back really bad after we broak up and even though she rebounded with "little bro" of all people I did not care nor did I really work on my self and like I said I got her back and we had a "trial" that failed....As of now im torn..I hate the fact she left rebound to try to be with me and when our "trial" failed she went back to him...I still love her but even if I handed her my heart again it wouldent be while rebound is still on her mind or when we still have old issues...I also dont want to be completely friendzoned either...I dont know what to do......And I bet she feels the same but she wont show her cards...I mean she is pretty much messing with both of us bur hes going to live about 3 hours away soon for college..I dont want her running to me just because hes gone..In the end its obvious she had feelings for me more then him yet she sticks around with him..And I dont know why....

[That Z Guy]

I guess I need to stop playing her games..I seriously think she has been messing around with both of us and playing the "single" card for like 4-5 months...Acting like a gf to one or both of us at the same time but saying she is single and she can do whatever she wants..I can only blame my self for talking to her and I know that.........Its a tough situation...

[EgoJoe]

You're allowing yourself to get played and strung along. Unlike others who wonder, you know and you still go back for more.

 

She doesn't respect, love or give a **** about you.

 

Move on.

[That Z Guy]

Sadly that seems to be the truth...I mean at the very least if she respected me she would tell me I mean nothing to her and the sex means nothing etc but she plays these mind games and acts all girlfriend like towards me..And obviously pulls the same crap with the rebound..Who ever treats her nicer or makes her less upset gets to keep her a little closer but she wont dedicate to anyone...Its sick, I swear she has no remorse...This is just depressing...

[Love_sick_me]

I hate to sound like an e-book, but you gotta just stop this. You need to figure out what you want first, otherwise you're just sabotaging yourself and the relationship. I was in a similar place where he was stringing me a long, and trying to be friends with me. It just didn't work out. You need to figure out what you really want first. Give yourself sometime just being with yourself, and think for yourself. Otherwise you cannot view this relationship with an objective point of view. Perhaps you guys need to break up. Just take care of yourself first. You're in no shape to be back together right now.

[That Z Guy]

Well that's the thing..We have been broken up for a awhile now..Im not dating her at all and in fact she says shes not dating anyone..But she is seeing the rebound again and pretty much acting like his gf without being one..I went NC for awhile to not be so angry and she kept trying to talk to me..When we hung out she tried to act like just a friend but also treated me like a bf in ways and I kinda treated her like a GF..(holding hands,flirting,touching, and then sex)..Same thing she is doing with other dude..She is also obviously very confused even if she wont admit it..I told her I dont respect what shes going emotionally and we argue yet end up chatting again..I guess I need to tell her and be serious to not contact me until she truly knows what she wants or is truly single so we can have a real conversation about emotions..and try to go NC again..That seems to be what people are saying right? Or hate her and try to cut her from my life 100% haha..

Edited February 16, 2012 by That Z Guy

[Love_sick_me]

Not hate her, but you need to set some boundaries. My ex and I did the same thing. When we were hanging out together after we broke up we would do everything that a couple do, hold-hands, make out, and sex. Now he's seeing someone else too. I felt like he as just using me to get over me.I had an outburst against him, now we're not talking. I've probably been labelled the crazy ex. In retrospect, yes I let it happened. So I really can't blame him for anything. I'm happier because it's no longer confusing. We're not together anymore, and we're not talking because we both need to sort out our problems.

 

She's just using you to figure out what she's feeling. Yes, she is confused with herself. It's not her fault. Break ups are confusing, especially if they don't know what they want from the break up. Just give her time, and really set boundaries. That's why I asked what you want. If you don't want to be in a relationship with her right now, then don't do anything you would later regret. The touching and the sex get confusing unless both parties know it's just fun and games. Bottom line is, she needs to know things are over between you two, and perhaps the comfort of you is not accessible right now. I don't think NC is necessary, but maybe LC (limited contact) would be more helpful. Just tell her you're busy, and pick up a new hobby or something. Just stop focusing your life on her and the break up. When she contacts you, just be civil and tell her you need to go after a few minutes. You need to sort yourself out. Once you're over the relationship and the break up, and if you still want her back then work on getting her back. You also need to be okay with her seeing other people, because you're broken up. Logically you have no say in her seeing other people anymore, because you're done.

Edited February 16, 2012 by Love_sick_me

[That Z Guy]

Ya it took me a long time to get over the fact that shes not mine anymore..Even when I had a rebound of my own..I can honestly say I probably wouldn't have got so mad or still feel so annoyed of she wasn't "with" this CERTAIN guy..Im not sure if you read my whole story but that fact that she has any feelings for a dead ex bfs little brother still makes me ......And on top of that I knew him personally and they are the worse match in the world and she even said a week ago it probably wouldn't be worth it to try to date him cause of how different they are..I know im being bitter and lovesickme your point is still very valid though about LC and setting boundaries..The thing is she rebounded with him after the initial break up then came running back to me when I got a new girl then after 2-3 months after old issues starting cropping up she went back to him and gave up on trying to make us work out again...And now here we are speaking and messing around which shows she has no respect for the other guy or me obviously..How many times does someone need to use someone else to get over me or figure it out jeez? I appreciate your responses..

[Tiera D]

sorry for hijacking lol..as a compensation il tell u what i think about ur situation,she probably dated her exes bro because he reminded her about her ex (some form of familiarity).Anyway it seems she still loves u.My suggestion is go LC (meaning dont initiate convos unless she did and slowly start from there) nothing much u can do besides giving her time.Another thing is show her that u can forgive the past and start over,dont bring the baggage from the old relationship GL

 

Tiera D

[Dark Phoenix]

....As of now im torn..

 

These were the magic key words I was looking for.

 

My suggestion, keep posting and asking questions about the situation. Talk to yourself and listen to yourself, you have 2 sides now fighting for control, listen to both of them. Good(light) vs Bad(dark). Good will win in the end but we all need to travel through the darkness to learn how to live in the light. This was said to me 2 nights ago from a friend who has been in the same situation as you are now and I was.

Edited February 17, 2012 by Dark Phoenix

[Love_sick_me]

Yeah, darkphoenix is right. Keep talking and keep asking questions. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

 

My realization from my own experiences and reading different psychology books (I know, I know, I needed something to take my minds off my ex) is that it's so easy to fall back to the same pattern of your old relationship. If you don't get over your past relationship and really get over it. You're gonna be back at the same place again and again. Breaking up, and her hurting you again. Both of you need to change if you want this to work. It's either you work on it together or work on it separately. Really focus on the solution, because the problems are there but how are you gonna solve it? Both of you need to walk back into this relationship as different people in order for it to work.

 

I hope you figure it out .

Edited February 17, 2012 by Love_sick_me

[That Z Guy]

Thank you all for your advice..I had dinner with her tonight which she initiated and it truly put things in perspective that she cares very little about anyone but her self. I'm not sure if its the time frame or our bad relationship and how it ended but she is in full blown "Its all about me I do want I want" mode..Basically if she wants sex or a hang out buddy she will try to get it weather it be me or rebound because no matter how the guy feels she doesn't care cause she is unemotionally attached..She has not changed anything that was bad in the relationship or bad in general but now she is even worse because she is so greedy in her actions..Im just glad im out of the chasing her down and grieving over the loss of the relationship mode and can see the game she is playing..Im just trying my best to stay in LC and not have hate in my heart over the past or her current actions..I told her were not friends or lovers..Just two ghost with a history..I will now try to get to work on my self and try not to fall into traps she on purpose or on accident sets up..She also said we can go NC and she can easily do so..I told her after all the crap we have done to each other if it was easy to go NC for a long period of time we would have done so a LONG time ago..Usually she acts like a tough guy or challenges that but she got silent and agreed..It was a interesting moment..Thanks for the input guys feel free to add more!

[That Z Guy]

So I hung out with her again this Saturday..Things were ok until I started trying to push having sex with her and she wasent in the mood and we fought..She said just because we hang out doesnt mean we have sex all the time and I got mad cause of her constant mixed signals but she did have a point..When I was about to say F this and go NC time she asked me to go have dinner with her friend..I asked if she let rebound meet this friend and she said no..So confusing..Anyway her friend liked me and the night went ok..I told her when I hang out with her its ok because I dont have super strong feelings because I see all the things that haven't changed but at times its tough cause I look at her and want her to be mine again..She said lately she hasn't been feeling to many "love" feelings about me and she still has semi strong feelings for the other guy even though she talks and hangs out with me more..AND messes around with me..I really dont get her..Shes really good at acting like she doesn't care and shes not jealous about anything but during dinner she made alot of snarky comments about me hanging out with my rebound casually and she said she thinks I still have feelings for her..which I dont..It seems like every time I go NC she misses me like crazy but when we hang out and talk more she doesn't give a crap..she says as of now shes "nicer" to the other guy because he doesn't "control" her and knows that she can do whatever he wants..He has no backbone and she walks all over him..And I know in a way im letting her do the same to me..Even though I speak up and argue..Im truly not sure if I should try to go NC or go LC and be vague and not really hang out much?..Its tough..And as of now she says she wants NO relationship but I HATE how I see her texting him she loves him then goes and flirts it up with me..Confusing...

[That Z Guy]

New update sorta of..She wanted to have dinner yesterday ( I should have said no to keep power but I said sure) and it was whatever..The next couple days I dont text her even though shes texting me and she asks "are you going NC with me? If you are im sorry"..I say no I have been busy. Then she tells me her rebound got upset that we had dinner and I guess found out by snooping on her..I used to do this to her when I didnt trust her at all while we were dating..I guess she got mad cause I think he lost his poker face..He acts like hes cool with her doing whatever she wants right now but in reality he sees her as a gf..She said she got mad cause he acted how I used to or whatever with jealousy and she didnt think hes like that..I said well you have a way of leading men on weather you are trying to or not and he is finally fed up with it..I asked if shes going to cut emotional ties or what? And she wont tell me..So I guess let more mind games begin? Either way im glad im not attached at the hip like I was..I find her story funny..