I do not know how to cope

[Buttercup84]

As some of you know after 7 months my ex wanted me back , saying all the right things and declaring his love for me. Only to take it all back again , saying he moved across the country and is depressed . He was emotionally abusive towards me in the relationship.

 

After the email he didn't contact me for two weeks and I didn't either . Few nights ago I got really sad and emailed him .

 

We talked about his email and he said I read only what I wanted to read and ignored the rest , and he loves his new home and is staying there.

 

That I didn't listen to him and he is depressed and I shouldn't put it on him ( the email )

 

I feel like I am having a breakdown again . I am crying and just can't stop loving him and I am still so attached I can't cope . People tell me he is emotionaly unstable and I should never talk to him again .

 

But all I can think of , I am not good enough for him . Ill always love him .

 

He says he feels guilty but I need to move on .

 

Here is the email

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t312619/

 

 

I can't sleep now and I am so scared about how I am going to cope

[Philosoraptor]

You seem to have always known you were abused. You have all of the information you need to make the correct decision based on how you were treated, but you are still too attached to let go of things.

 

The rest of his actions do not matter. He may be going through the motions like any other ex, but this is a case of abuse with a person who treated you poorly. He has shattered your self esteem and you really need to work on getting that back.

 

What do you feel that you are worth? What I see is a very sweet person with the ability to love deeply, that someone is going to feel very lucky to have. You just need to look at yourself from a clear set of eyes and let go of the view that was forced upon you during the relationship. You deserve wonderful things in this world and you need to belive that too.

[oldguy]

If these people who are telling you he is emotionaly unstable and you should never talk to him again, are friends & family & people who have your best interest at heart you should probably listen.

 

Just from the little you wrote here it sounds like he could be a bit manipulative or emotionally a little confused.

 

What bothers me also about what you've said is that he has you feeling like "your not good enough". You need to dig deep and take whatever actions necessary to get over that, yesterday.

[shayla]

A manipulative person can make you feel like you are scum of the earth, it's what they do. And when they want a little ego boost, they do it over and over again. They find which button to push and they push it again and again.

 

You must break the attachment for good. Contact with him will make you feel so low that you will never be free from him. A person like this pokes little holes in your self esteem and it starts leaking out. Every little word and phrase is carefully designed to make you feel whatever way they want you to feel. You have to stop listening, and stop hearing what he is saying. None of it is true, do you understand? You are not what he says you are, you are not doing anything to him except reacting to his words.

 

You will be suprised at how much better you will feel when you are out of his influence. And I mean totally out, not knowing or caring about anything he is doing, saying, anything. You will start to feel like yourself again. The woman you were before you met up with toxicity.

[CopingGal]

Hello Hun,

 

Happy Valentine's Day. I really want you to celebrate you...your life and do something special for yourself today. I'm so sorry you are going through that. There were times when I broke up with my ex, I was so upset and I felt so bad, I felt like I was not going to make it. I felt like I was going to die. I never in one million years thought I would feel so much better. I thought that that was impossible.

 

Sounds like you need to cuddle. Do you have a dog? Ever considered adopting one from the ASPCA or humane society...or a cat?

 

You also need a distraction. I know you were interested in the Infinite Family program. Did you look into that yet?

[Cocollective]

I agree with Coping Gal. Definitely get a distraction!

 

I'd fill the void that this person left in your heart with other activities and people that help you forget them. You need to fill your life up again with good things, great things and that IS possible.

 

It sounds like the door's closed at the moment for many reasons.

 

It's hard to believe but your heart will heal and you will be happy again. I've been there.

 

Rich

[Exit]

I can relate Buttercup. My own mind, and other people, have seen through the fog enough to realize how abusive my ex was. Now that I think of it, my post breakup situation had some similarities to yours as well, my ex and I reestablished contact and it seemed like we both had an interest in talking about things, but being as emotionally immature as she is, she bailed on this, and I've gone back to leaving it alone. But back to what I was saying... I was lied to about very serious things, she made me feel like garbage, avoiding blame for everything and made me the reason for all her failures, faced other forms of mental abuse like silent treatment, yet I am having a very hard time getting over this one. In my reading about abuse it seems there is some strange quality that makes the attachment to these people hard to break. It doesn't really make sense, you'd think the worse someone acts, the easier they'd be to leave, but I've had an easier time moving on and forgetting about people who treated me much, much better. This last girl was such a jerk and I hate that I've inflated her ego even more by making her think she is worth missing, she's really not, but my self esteem is just so damaged after all this I don't know which way is up anymore and it was tempting to just wish the familiar would come back. I just have a terrible habit of blaming myself for everything. I should feel so guilt free in this instance, this girl did so many things wrong, things that I would never imagine doing to somebody I love, I should be able to apply the "I dodged a bullet" routine and be glad I didn't end up wasting more of my life with this person, but my tendency to blame myself, coupled with an ex who is more than happy to tell me that each and every thing was all my fault, is just too much for my self esteem to overcome.

[Buttercup84]

Thank you everyone for your kind messages , they really helped me . I didn't feel so alone knowing I could come on here and talk when I wanted to . I would be worse off if I couldn't come here .

 

I think V-day was just a giant setback , not hearing from him and still no closure . But when he said I am just filtering out what I want to hear , that he is staying in perth and not coming to Sydney , I really just saw the person he always has been . Selfish , mulipitive , egotisitic and just plain demented .

 

He just sounded so smug and arrogant , knowing I still had feelings so he got his little ego boost when he was feeling down . He still thinks that I am just going to wait around and pine for him . But I haven't . I do not want him back . I still think of some of the nice moments we had , but then I remind myself how poorly he treated me .

 

Thanks again

[CopingGal]

Hello Buttercup,

 

I do that too. I think about the many, many times that he treated me so nicely. But then I have to remind myself of all the things he did behind my back. I was just in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" forum. I was thinking and writing about the last time we were together. You know Buttercup, I can't believe that when he held me in his arms and told me he loved me, he was cheating on me then. I think about the many people that hold their partners so tight and tell them that they love them with such intensity, then go out and cheat on them. It's so disgusting that people can be that deceptive and that there are so many of them.

 

Whom do you trust? Can I ever trust again? Why do we see red flags, and ignore them? The next man I am with, I'm going to be really looking at the following:

 

-Is he welcoming me into his life? Do I feel like I am dating someone who is married, even if he is not? Have I met his family and friends?

 

-Is he making good time for me? Is he available on the weekends? Is he getting back to me when I call him?

 

-Have I been catching him in lies? Does he seem like he's making one excuse after another?

 

All the info was right there, and when I asked him about these things, he just covered everything with lies. Next time I even have to ponder over these things back and forth, back and forth....I'm gone.