Is it me or him?

[gvu99]

I live in a relationship for almost 2 years now. We are both 26. It has never been really perfect, we had loads of problems from the very beginning and we were both unhappy with our relationship for a very long time. However we stayed together and we were fighting for each other because we were very much in love.

 

In december my boyfriend decided to end our relationship, but after loads of talking we gave it another try. No logical reason why we couldn't let each other go other than we did love each other. But something has changed. Even things that were working fine don't work anymore. Our sex life was never perfect. For him I was the first one and he had erection problems at the beginning. But it has improved and lately he had no difficulties having sex.

 

The last two month we had sex 3 times... He won't kiss me anymore, and won't initiate having sex at all. (He was never the initiator but it has gotten worse lately) He won't give me an answer why he don't want to have sex with me. He says he really loves me, and he says it isn't my fault.

He isn't having an affair, at least that's what he says and I don't have a reason to doubt it.

 

I can't get my head around it. We are young, healty and in love. But my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me... He won't talk about it and will blame me if I try to discuss it, saying that he can't take it, he doesn't want to talk about it. Every time I bring it up, he says that he wants to end the relationship because he can't stand the drama.

 

Last night I tried to start kissing him, touching him, and making love to him.. When it was about to happen, he stopped and asked me whether I took my pills or not. I felt so humiliated.. In that moment when it's all about us, and feeling each other he is thinking about how much he doesn't want kids with me. I am on the pill for 7 years and didn't give him any reason to think that I wasn't taking it. I have never been pregnant, etc.. And in that moment when we are about to make love after 3-4 weeks haven't had sex, all he can think about is to insure that I won't get pregnant. (This was the second time he asked it right before sex, the first time was in January, and I just didn't mention it how much it hurts me)

 

When I got upset and told him that in this romantic moment it killed my mood, and that I am not a one night stand he should be checking on, he called me crazy. He said it's normal that he wanna make sure right before making love that I'm taking my pill properly and I shouldn't flip out. He just wanna make sure he won't have a kid right now.

 

Is it me or is it him?? I can't possibly imagine that it was appropriate to ruin the moment with such an unnecessary question, while I never gave him reason to doubt me. I don't think it's normal to be in love and live together, but have only once a month sex, or never if I don't initiate it. I don't think it's ok that my 26 years old boyfriend who says he loves me doesn't want to have sex with me or when we are in a romantic moment, all he can think about is to make sure he won't be stuck with me and a kid...

 

He sais it's all fine, and he just doesn't want sex.. And he wanted to make sure we are safe and it isn't a mood killer. Also he says it's no big deal that he doesn't want sex more often.

 

One of us must be wrong. And thinking about it, trying to find answers is killing me.. Is it me, or him? Am I overreacting it or it's really not normal?

Edited February 14, 2012 by gvu99

[Philosoraptor]

He might be really worried about pregnancy right now. This might be a bit cynical, but I've seen it happen... he could have serious doubts about the relationship and not want to do something that could leave him hooked. Let's hope it's not that... but all you can do is talk to him and figure things out. Use "I feel" statements and not "you never" statements and get the answers you need.

[gvu99]

Thank you for your answer. It would be great if that would be it. But I worry that he lost interest in me, and that's why we don't make love anymore, or that's why he can ruin a romantic moment with such a practical question.. I'm really confused

[JazzyFox]

Well, first you have to eliminate the physical issues. Perhaps his erectile difficulties are physical issues that he should address. They could also be related to low testosterone (which would affect sexual drive) or stress (financial, career, health, family, etc).

 

Second, his performance difficulties might also be killing his libido, as he doesn't feel "man enough" to satisfy you. My husband once told me that men often measure their worth on their sexual prowess. Everytime you complain about not having sex often enough, hard enough, long enough, you are also affecting his self-esteem.

 

Third, his low libido might also be a symptom of your overall issues of communication and/or compatibility. Perhaps he came back to you because he was comfortable with you, but doesn't feel that raw sexual chemistry he once did.

 

Fourth, you might just not be sexually compatible. If most of your communication issues and "drama" stem from sex-related conversations, then you might have your answer. But if most of your sex-related issues stem from lack of communication, then you best focus your attention on reconnecting.

 

Fifth, he could be going through a weird transition in his life ... where sexual and perhaps very kinky fantasies are lurking in the background. Perhaps he just can't get excited about vanilla sex. Perhaps he wants to try something "totally out there" and is afraid to bring it up with you.

 

If I were you, I would just forget about the sex for a moment, sit him down and have a talk. Tell him that you want to feel that raw sexual energy between you, and that you need for him to increase his contribution and the overall frequency. Ask him if there is anything preventing him from doing that. Ask him if there is anything he would like to do differently. Don't accuse him, don't get angry, and for goodness sake, leave the drama out of it. You need to be honest, transparent, and willing to listen to whatever is bothering him.

 

It might just be that your emotional reactions to his practical ways (ie. did you take your pills?) is a huge turn-off. And he doesn't know how to tell you the truth.

[NervisPervis]

You had a bad relationship, split up, got back together and now it's worse. He doesn't like sex with you or being intimate with you. But your question really does seem to be about this ONE incident?

 

 

This like that episode of The Office where the new boss thinks Kevin is having great brainstorms all day and using cookies as an analogy to explain them. Until he finally gets what it was all about. He says "so, this was REALLY about cookies the whole time, wasn't it?".

 

So, this post is REALLY just about that one comment? It's not about the past 2 years? It's not about the next time it will be a headache? Or the big morning meeting? Or the low libido you'd better start getting used to NOW because it isn't going to get any better?

 

I don't care about that one comment. I find it incredible that this long post WAS about that one comment. You have relationship problems. They WON'T go away. He's not going to get more horny, or increase stamina, or become more romantic as he gets older. Quite the opposite.

 

Two years ago I thought EVERY man who didn't want sex twice a day is gay. I'm actually starting to get my hands around the fact that some just really AREN'T horny all the time. You fell in love with one. Unless you want to go celibate the rest of your life, fall OUT OF love with him.

 

Sorry.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your answer. It would be great if that would be it. But I worry that he lost interest in me, and that's why we don't make love anymore, or that's why he can ruin a romantic moment with such a practical question.. I'm really confused

 

Outside of the bedroom, how does he treat you?

 

From what you've said so far and the feeling I get from reading what you've written, your relationship is close to ending if things don't get fixed somehow. It's a waste of your time, your love and energy to be with him when he is absolutely terrified of you getting pregnant.

 

Well, you're on the pill and he doesn't trust that you are responsible and taking it on time daily.. If he feels that way, he can put on a condom and also pull out before he cums. Instead, he's avoiding sex and worrying about it, making things worse.

 

Love is great when it works..A relationship shouldn't be this hard to make work, even though the love may be there, sometimes it's best to just say goodbye and end things before it gets worse and you two end up resenting and hating eachother.

[gvu99]

Fifth, he could be going through a weird transition in his life ... where sexual and perhaps very kinky fantasies are lurking in the background. Perhaps he just can't get excited about vanilla sex. Perhaps he wants to try something "totally out there" and is afraid to bring it up with you.

 

I'm the one who is more experienced, and more open in/about sex. We've done anything and everything he wanted to try. I hardly can imagine that he would find it boring, but you never know..

 

Other than this, you collected those points I'm most concerned about. I'm afraid it is me.. I'm not interesting enough, doesn't make him feel a real man enough, etc.. He wen't to the doctor and they checked out everything. Physically he is healthy. The erectile dysfunction was caused by mental problems.

I'm just hopeless. I love him, and he holds on to me saying he really loves me. But I feel a failure next to him, because he doesn't even wan't me anymore. I do miss the raw sexual chemistry..

[gvu99]

Maybe I wasn't clear. My problem is not that he said what he said the other night. It was just the last thing that happened, and made me turn to you all.. My problem is the distance between us, the lack of intimacy in our relationship. The fact that in such a moment when we were about to make love his head was full of fear that I might get pregnant just shows how he thinks about me.. He feels I might be holding him back from being a successful businessman, etc.. And those thoughts are in his head while making love to me.

But my real problem is that we barely ever have sex, that his love is only present in words, never in actions.

I'm not a big valentine's day person, but we always give each other something small, eat together and just spend some quality time.. Yesterday he didn't even wish me happy valentine's day and didn't get a present. When I asked him why, he just said he didn't have time to go to the store, and he feels stupid because of it. But according to him it isn't a big deal.

I realize that we have relationship problems. We started with couple's therapy recently. But all he can say is that he really loves me.. Too bad he can't show this love in any way...

[gvu99]

He treats me fine. But he doesn't like to express his feelings when anyone can see us. He won't want to hold my hand on the street, or give me a kiss if anyone can see it. At home he likes to sit behind his computer and play games all day. He is not the type of person who shows emotions. He isn't caring or particularly nice. But I love him...

I wish it would be needed to put on a condom. But we barely ever have sex.. While he keeps telling me that I'm very sexy/beautiful and he doesn't know why he doesn't wan't sex. He does masturbate but not often at all.

He is a very charming person, clever and funny. And when we fell in love he was crazy for me. I have no clue what changed if he claims he loves me.

[whichwayisup]

Yesterday he didn't even wish me happy valentine's day and didn't get a present. When I asked him why, he just said he didn't have time to go to the store, and he feels stupid because of it. But according to him it isn't a big deal.

I realize that we have relationship problems. We started with couple's therapy recently. But all he can say is that he really loves me.. Too bad he can't show this love in any way...

 

Ouch.

 

Sorry, but he can and should have made the effort, it takes NO time to go get flowers and pick up a card. His laziness and lack of respect for you isn't an excuse. He doesn't care. How can you love and want to be with someone like that? You deserve so much better..Sadly, you won't get that from him.

 

He treats me fine. But he doesn't like to express his feelings when anyone can see us. He won't want to hold my hand on the street, or give me a kiss if anyone can see it. At home he likes to sit behind his computer and play games all day. He is not the type of person who shows emotions. He isn't caring or particularly nice. But I love him...

I wish it would be needed to put on a condom. But we barely ever have sex.. While he keeps telling me that I'm very sexy/beautiful and he doesn't know why he doesn't wan't sex. He does masturbate but not often at all.

He is a very charming person, clever and funny. And when we fell in love he was crazy for me. I have no clue what changed if he claims he loves me.

 

What is it that you love about him? Time to focus on you and ask yourself why you're with someone who isn't showing you love, care and respect. You say he isn't particularly nice either.. And no this isn't just about sex, it's much more. The bigger picture here - This man isn't long term nor husband material, someone who can be a family man, or a father.

 

What do you want? Make a decision and stive for that goal. Doing nothing and putting up with this will kill you inside and make you feel unhappy. Can you imagine your life like this for another year, 2 years or more?

[gvu99]

He said that since we had that argument the night before valentine's day he didn't feel like "celebrating it"..

 

He also said today that he is ashamed of our relationship in front of others.. And if I wan't better I should look for someone else. Sometimes he can say very cruel things, and he shows no emotions at all. Asif he was from stone. Today is one of those days. He always can justify his actions tho... It makes me wonder.. Maybe he is right and my expectations are too high. But I love him and all I want is him to love and care about me. Because if he would, all these wouldn't happen, I'm sure.

 

I'm too scared to accept that he is not in love with me. But it really looks like he isn't. He is really nice with others, intelligent and funny. I like his personality and at the beginning of our relationship he was my dream man.. I can't accept that it changed so much. I'm still hoping he is the one.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't the one. He makes you feel bad, you aren't sure if he is in love with you. He HAS told you he's ashamed of the relationship and in some sense has given you the a-OK to break up with him since he doesn't seem to have the balls to do it himself.

 

You are wasting time, energy, love and care on someone who doesn't care about you in the long run. He is passing time, setting and making no effort.

 

Ask yourself why you are putting up with this? Do you not love yourself?

 

I'm suggesting you do break up with him, grieve the loss and let yourself heal so one when you CAN find that special love with someone who will love you back the same way.

[gvu99]

I know that you are right, we should end this relationship! But it's not that easy, and that's why I didn't ask advise on that. Since we go to therapy, and I follow therapy myself too, I have been diagnosed to be co-dependent. I won't be able at this moment to leave him, so I wanted to know if I'm expecting too much of him, or my wishes are reasonable in a healthy relationship.

 

Even though I know that ending our relationship is the best solution, I don't want to lose him. I really love him.

[Shiloh 2011]

He said that since we had that argument the night before valentine's day he didn't feel like "celebrating it"..

 

He also said today that he is ashamed of our relationship in front of others.. And if I wan't better I should look for someone else. Sometimes he can say very cruel things, and he shows no emotions at all. Asif he was from stone. Today is one of those days. He always can justify his actions tho... It makes me wonder.. Maybe he is right and my expectations are too high. But I love him and all I want is him to love and care about me. Because if he would, all these wouldn't happen, I'm sure.

 

I'm too scared to accept that he is not in love with me. But it really looks like he isn't. He is really nice with others, intelligent and funny. I like his personality and at the beginning of our relationship he was my dream man.. I can't accept that it changed so much. I'm still hoping he is the one.

 

Feels to me like there's someone else in his life. You may want to check around for that.