Goodbye Intimacy in our 30's...

[InBloom]

Facts:

-i'm 32 and she's 30

-We've been together for 10 years, married for 4, parents for 3...

-She stays at home with Baby, I work a lot of hours to support us

-We started out super strong, super in love and have always had respect

for one another, never any terrible fighting or name calling.

 

 

First off, our communication has always needed work. More times than not, it's myself that has to break the ice and ask: "O.k., what's wrong, let's talk.." whenever there's a little issue or something about us we need to fix. She's notorious for using the Silent Treatment or just avoiding issues. I'm not perfect, I'll ignore things too if I just don't feel like dealing

with it right then and there and i've gotten more used to that method as the years have gone on, simply because i'm just over it.

 

ANYWAY.. It's been 6 Months since we've had sex. Granted, we're always tired nowadays (I work a lot and we have a 2 year old) but we do have time most nights and breathers on the weekends when we could spend some quality time together.

 

No exaggeration, I'm almost certain that we had sex maybe 2-3 times last year. Maybe i'm to blame because I know she's tired most of the time from being one-on-one with baby all day so I don't push sex..but then she never initiates it either. She almost seems perfectly content with how we are. She's very much into Motherhood which i love but at

times i feel like she forgot all about us.

 

It's been like this for 3 years.

 

I'll give her hugs, i'll give her kisses, i'll rub her feet at night while we're watching TV, I'll try to be affectionate but she doesn't give much of that to me anymore. At times i've tried to bring it up and she will get quiet and deny that it's her fault that I could just ask....But, Is it mutual? Does she even want to? Why should I have to initiate it all the time?

 

I know, I know, we need to talk it all out, I just don't know how to anymore....Part of me thinks she's just not as into me as she once was, maybe it's all boring to her. If she was a great talker, I'd probably know.

Edited February 14, 2012 by InBloom

[JazzyFox]

Sounds like you need marriage counselling.

Sounds like she has forgotten to put your marriage as her #1 priority.

Sounds like she is hiding behind motherhood and the daily grind to not address what are obvious concerns.

Sounds like you are afraid to confront her on these issues.

 

On a side note, sometimes I go "radio-silent" on my husband. Sometimes it's because I don't understand what I am feeling, and sometimes I am afraid to tell him how I am feeling, and I find it really helpful when he pulls it out of me. It's cathartic.

 

On another side note, sometimes my libido falls asleep. Sometimes it's intentional, and sometimes it's not. But when my husband goes caveman horny-crazy on me, it cranks me up. It's almost like his libido becomes a catalyst for my own. So maybe she wants you to go caveman-crazy on her, so that she can feel desired and feminine.

 

But I want to reiterate that first line.

Sounds like you need marriage counselling. Perhaps having that conversation with her will prompt her to address your communication and intimacy issues.

[InBloom]

Thanks Jazz...Appreciate the reply. I know she would have a hard time with Counseling, She would be %120 percent against it and see it as a failure of our marriage, that it had to get to that point.. I know her.

 

I agree with the Radio Silence and i'm understanding of it. You gave me a boost just now to keep trying with her when I feel frustrated by her lack of words.

 

I agree also with the cave man thing and her feeling desired and fem. Ugh, Maybe I need to change my approach and the way "I" handle things...?

 

Anyway, thanks Jazz

[Janesays]

Be careful to not treat her like a female roommate. Treat her like a woman. Sex is mental for women. You need to make her feel desirable. Like back in the days when you couldn't keep your hands off of her. Treat her like she's hot, sexy, irresistible. When you initiate, do so with some PASSION!

 

My ex used to lay on the couch like a slug and say, "So....ya wanna have sex?" in the same tone of voice he used when he asked me what I wanted for dinner. Oh baby baby. Way to make me melt. Gag.

 

You can't treat sex like a chore. If you do, of course she won't want to do it.

[NervisPervis]

Hmmm.... What could it be. It's probably got something to do with being in your early 30's, married for 10 years and having a child. It's called marriage. Sex drives go away. Particularly for the woman.

 

The problem is, her sexual interest hasn't left her for all men. Just you. Don't take it personally. It happens in well over half of marriages. The bad news is it won't come back.

 

Don't bother with all of the advice you'll get abut trying to win her back. The answer is porn and a schedule where she outs ou as often as she can stand it. It's worked for me for a while.

 

This post was in no way a joke. She's just not that into you any more. Not in that way. And it' not going to change.

[mitchell]

I would strongly recommend the book "The sex-starved marriage" by Michelle Weiner-Davis.

Read this book and let your wife see you reading this book. This should get the ball rolling in the right direction for some fruitful discussions regarding your issues.

[carhill]

OP, you might find this thread a good read.

 

Welcome to LS

[xxoo]

I think it is great that you still hug, kiss, and rub her feet. You've been showing love and care consistently, and that should pay dividends when you make a push for more sexual intimacy.

 

THe Silent Treatment should be disallowed in a marriage. It is a form of unfair fighting, imo, and personally I'd rather have a little shouting than a partner who intentionally ignores me or issues that concern me. This is something that could be addressed in marriage counseling--rules for engagement, so to speak.

 

About initiating, many women strongly respond to male sexual "pursuit". You would like her to initiate, but you are sexually aroused whether she initiates or not. She may not get sexually aroused unless you show strong sexual interest in her, touching her hungrily, showing your need for her. Your assertive initiation can be the spark that makes her think about sex again.

 

Remember, too, that her body has changed with pregnancy. She may not feel as sexy with the changes that have occurred. If you haven't initiated sex in 6 months, she may conclude (erroneously) that you aren't attracted to her body anymore Show her that isn't true, and that you find her irresistible!

Edited February 15, 2012 by xxoo

[stillafool]

I don't understand how taking care of one baby can completely make you lose desire for sex. That's a bit much. I feel sorry for you OP.

[frozensprouts]

i'm going to ask you some things ( please don't take offense at my questions...they're just to help you think)...

 

you say that it's hard for your wife to open up and that she's really good at giving you the "silent treatment'. I'm not saying this is okay, but do you know why she does this? How do you react if she tells you something negative? Do you get upset or do you listen? What was it like for her growing up...was her family one of the 'don't ask/don't tell types- as far as talking about emotional topics goes ? Or is she just one of those types ( like me) who finds verbal communication kind of difficult when it comes to emotional topics? If she's anything like me, she may find writing her feelings down to be a much easier way to communicate with you...over time, she may be able to learn to verbalize more about it. She may not even realize why she feels the way she does, and sometimes seeing it down in front of you on paper can help.

 

How have you approached the subject of sex? Does she understand why you want se with her ( beyond the fact that you like sex, it's because you love her and cherish her and want to be close to her)? The old ' I want sex, let's get 'er done" while she's trying to sleep is not going to make her want to have sex with you:laugh:

 

one more thing...please make sure you talk to her, in clear and no nonsense terms about how you feel...she really may not know you are feeling bad...please don't become of of those spouses ( both men and women do it) who holds it against their spouse when they somehow can't read their minds ( to be honest, she sounds like she could be a bit like that too)

 

counseling may be really helpful to you now...if you explain to her why you feel it would be helpful ( not because your marriage is "bad" or you don't love her, but rather because you do love her and value your marriage and you want to deal with the issue before it gets any bigger)

 

we have three kids, and my husband is way a lot too ( in fact...he's away right now) so I know it can be hard to find time for intimacy...the thing becomes making time for it and maybe realizing that it's no longer just the two of you and that maybe your expectations may have to change a bit, at least while your child is young...the trick now is to keep the intimacy between the two of you alive so that when your child is older and grown ( I know that sounds like a long way away, but it happens so fast...seems like only yesterday my oldest was a baby...kind of miss the times when I used to hold her in my arms and rock her to sleep- she's taller than I am now and at the ' I don't want my mom within 100ft of me in case my friends see:laugh:) you'll still have the intimacy between the two of you and you'll be able to enjoy yur older years together on your own

best of luck to you:)

[carhill]

While your thread is certainly more invigorating, the OP, being new to LS, will likely find a lot of common ground in the many threads of JamesM over the years regarding his efforts to regain sexual intimacy with his wife.

 

Hope it works out.

[InBloom]

I read everything you all wrote and i appreciate it all! Sincerely.

Thanks for all the insight and input and advice. I realize it's just a change, we can't be like we once were, were parents now.

 

A light went off and a lot of your replies made sense. The last few times we HAVE had sex, she's wanted it to be planned, a sort of date, more romantic. Before we were married and some after, it didn't matter when or where we'd have sex, we'd go to town.

[frozensprouts]

I would really like to know why this sort of rather typical marital issue is so frequently framed by the assumption that it's the husband's responsibility to cater to the wife's whims in order to get the "reward" of sex, as if she's doing him a favor.

 

sex isn't a 'reward"...it should be an expression of love between two people, not something that can be demanded or bargained for, unless all one is looking for is a quick roll in the hay

 

OP why do you assume that you have to go through some elaborate dating ritual to have good clean marital sex with your spouse? She is giving you sh*t tests and making you jump through hoops. Holding out access to her vaj as the prize.

 

 

Start thinking of YOURSELF as the "prize" and maybe things will start to change for the better in your marriage.

 

sir, if you were the husband, you would be no "prize"

 

If she insists on sex being exchanged for a quid pro quo then tell her the sex comes first, and she gets her "reward" (a nice dinner out, a new pair of shoes, whatever it is she thinks is a good exchange for sexual access) after the sex. Then it will be very clear just exactly what she is behaving like.

 

 

Why doesn't your wife believe that it's HER obligation as your wife to have a nice home cooked dinner ready for you when you come home from a hard day at work, a cold beer waiting for you, a nice steak cooking, and she's got the candles lit in the bedroom, has taken a nice perfume bath, has her nice negligee laid out, and her job is to feed you and then lead you into the bedroom for desert?

 

does this guys wife work outside the home? Is she does, should she still have to do all this while he comes home and gets waited on ? BTW...they have a small child...where is the time for her to have a perfume bath, make a fancy meal, light all the candles, etc. every night ? Have you ever been a parent to a small child? Don't get me wrong... a night like that is a wonderful thing maybe once a week, but to expect it each night is kind of unrealistic.

 

 

 

There is thread after thread after thread here of one variation or another of weak, cowed, "beta" males who for some reason have been raised to believe they should follow and cater to the irrational selfish whims of their wives, all of whom seem to use sex as the carrot.

Have you ever been married? If so, I bet you have a pretty high image of yourself...I wonder what your wife thinks of you?

 

You work hard all day, you provide, you love her.

and you propose he should show this by being an ass to her? Nice!

 

Have you ever tried DEMANDING what YOU want? INSISTING on it. And laying down some realistic consequence if she doesn't comply with what YOU want?

 

please explain how this conversation would go?

 

 

please find responses in bold. BTW...this guys issue seems to have to do with a lot more than sex...he seems to have a lot of trouble communicating with his wife...it sounds like their styles don't "mesh", and if he takes your advice and starts acting like a jerk, his wife may very well end up as one very sad lady.

 

BTW...just so that you don't label me as some kind of b@tch wife...I stay at home with our kids. My husband works his butt off doing a job that would probably break most men. He works 12 to 24 hr days (depending on whats going on- e.g.- today he is away on a field exercise. To get there he had to snowshoe 15 or 20 km with a 60 lb ruck on his back and hauling more gear behind him on a toboggan. He'll sleep in a tent for three nights, come home on Saturday dead tired. You can be damn sure he'll have a nice hot bath and a hot meal with a glass of wine waiting for him. Just like every night. Then I'll wash his clothes and help him put his kit away, and we'll go to bed (he'll get home at around four in the morning, so we'll be able to do all that before our kids wake up)

 

But I don't do this because I feel I have to, I do it because I want to. I want him to know i appreciate what he does for our family.He tries to do the same for me, because he knows I work hard too. But I can tell you one thing...if he ever started treating me the way you suggest this guy should treat his wife, it would break my heart. I don't think you'll understand why.

[The Blue Knight]

I don't understand how taking care of one baby can completely make you lose desire for sex. That's a bit much. I feel sorry for you OP.

Yeah, there's something else going on there. I know women who have several kids and have great marriages and good sex lives. Unfortunately, this is a pattern of behavior I've seen posted on loveshack where modern-day women think that staying at home with one, two, or three kids is such a daunting task. I've even seen it with a person in my own family. Everything is "drama" to the hilt. My wife and I raised more than three kids and both of us worked full time, and still make time for one another. We've had bumps in the road like all couples but prioritizing your spouse is what makes the marriage work.

[The Blue Knight]

please find responses in bold. BTW...this guys issue seems to have to do with a lot more than sex...he seems to have a lot of trouble communicating with his wife...it sounds like their styles don't "mesh", and if he takes your advice and starts acting like a jerk, his wife may very well end up as one very sad lady.

 

BTW...just so that you don't label me as some kind of b@tch wife...I stay at home with our kids. My husband works his butt off doing a job that would probably break most men. He works 12 to 24 hr days (depending on whats going on- e.g.- today he is away on a field exercise. To get there he had to snowshoe 15 or 20 km with a 60 lb ruck on his back and hauling more gear behind him on a toboggan. He'll sleep in a tent for three nights, come home on Saturday dead tired. You can be damn sure he'll have a nice hot bath and a hot meal with a glass of wine waiting for him. Just like every night. Then I'll wash his clothes and help him put his kit away, and we'll go to bed (he'll get home at around four in the morning, so we'll be able to do all that before our kids wake up)

 

But I don't do this because I feel I have to, I do it because I want to. I want him to know i appreciate what he does for our family.He tries to do the same for me, because he knows I work hard too. But I can tell you one thing...if he ever started treating me the way you suggest this guy should treat his wife, it would break my heart. I don't think you'll understand why.

 

Nicely said frozen. Looking at some of "Smaller Parts" messages as he jumps from post to post delighting us with his sexually insightful brilliance it's clear he's got some out of this universe ego issues as you pointed out in BOLD print. I'd love to talk to his wife or significant other. What a mind-field of weirdness that would be! Then of course there are plenty of guys who talk tough about how you should just "ravage her" or "take her and throw her down on the bed", or "stick it in when she's not looking", but those guys aren't in a relationship themselves because nobody can stand to be with them for more than a couple of weeks.

[Gottman Institute]

You said that "Part of me thinks she's just not as into me as she once was, maybe it's all boring to her. If she was a great talker, I'd probably know."

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she is thinking the exact same thing about you. That you're not that into her, and that if you were a great talker she'd probably know.

 

I think it's easy to get caught up in life and be too tired to make time for intimacy. If it's something you have to put on a calendar to make happen, than that's fine. Also, getting outside help may be a thing to consider as well. Whatever you end up doing, improving the communication has got to be a top priority.

[Janesays]

If you were married to me, Oklahoma's advice would land you in divorce court within 24 hours. You wouldn't even get to finish your first 'order' before I speed dialed my lawyer.

[frozensprouts]

Oklahoma,

 

your advice doesn't address this guys main issue...not so much that his wife won't have sex, it's more that she doesn't initiate sex.

 

If he takes your advice, it really is coercing her, and soon she'll hate having sex with him even more. It will become a chore she's forced into, and she'll soon hate sex, begin to resent and even hate him.

[frozensprouts]

jeeze...

 

your solution sounds like what my mom used to do to get me to like eating peas. Everey time we had them, she'd put some on my plate and tell me i had to eat them, as if i did eat them enough, eventually i'd learn to like them.

Guess what...I still hate peas, and looking at them reminds me of how much I used to dislike my mom forcing me to eat them, which made me hate them even more.

 

As for the two of them disliking sex...where does it say that? Do you really think him saying to his wife "have sex with me or i'm getting a divorce from you" is going to help? Seriously...that's the crux of your advice, and when you put it like that, how does it sound to you? Sounds like a threat to me, and she may well take it that way.

 

Would you want to do something if you felt like you had been backed into a corner and had little or no other choice ( and if you say ' she has a choice...she can have sex or get divorced"- is that really a choice?)...how would that make you feel? do you think you'd ever start to like something you felt forced into doing?

 

now go and eat your peas:laugh:

[xxoo]

I "I understand you're tired, but nevertheless, we are man and wife, and tonight we are going to have sex."

 

If she whines or nags, you simply stay the course, and say "I hear that but tonight we are going to have sex."

 

Mmmmm, OK, you really know how to turn a woman on!

 

 

[JazzyFox]

While I really enjoy reading Oklahoma's diatribe on peas ... and some of it does resonate with me ... I hate to parallel largepart's disappearance with Oklahoma's appearance and wonder if this is another transformation of the troll

 

Say it isn't so

[carhill]

-We've been together for 10 years, married for 4, parents for 3...

 

-No exaggeration, I'm almost certain that we had sex maybe 2-3 times last year.

 

-It's been like this for 3 years.

 

 

Give it three or four more years, maybe another kid or two and you'll be JamesM.

 

What's interesting is that I learned Oklahoma's methodology, which I 'liked', from a woman, specifically my exW. In retrospect, I wasn't meeting her sexual and money needs, so she took what she could get, divorced me and moved on to someone who could. That's how people are, generally, these days, IME, and not just using my exW as a sole anecdote. It is what it is.

 

Three years is enough.

[carhill]

I'm all for healthy communication and compromise and learned a lot about taking responsibility in MC. The best lesson to come out of 'being around the block' and making some horrendous mistakes was clarifying boundaries, communicating them clearly and then acting consistently on that communication. If the results are irreconcilable, I accept that. I use it in all human relations now, not just romantic ones, and have benefited greatly from the process.

 

I see a lot of commonalities with the OP's 'style', though I was never blessed with children. If he continues upon the path I'm hearing in the OP, he'll bend himself into a pretzel to give his wife what he thinks she wants and/or what he thinks will make her happy, though I doubt he'll ever really know, concretely, what is going on in there since she's not communicating with him. Right now, he's chasing her and it's unhealthy. Time to step back and re-evaluate. I did this and clearly saw that divorce was indeed the correct and healthy path. His path is his own. I hope he and his wife can work things out in a mutually beneficial way. Ten years is a long time, essentially their entire adult lives. I wish him well.

[xxoo]

At times i've tried to bring it up and she will get quiet and deny that it's her fault that I could just ask....But, Is it mutual? Does she even want to? Why should I have to initiate it all the time?

 

This is where I get confused.

 

Is it true that you could "just ask" and she would have sex with you?

 

If that is true--then just ask! No need to go extremes of laying down boundaries.

 

Why don't you do the most normal thing, and approach your wife for sex?

 

Like I said earlier, if you DON'T approach her, she may conclude (erroneously) that it is because her body changed and you are no longer attracted to her body as a mother. That will make her pull away even more.

 

The husband has a role to play in helping a wife feel sexy and attractive after having a baby. Touch her in sexual ways, tell her how sexy she is, and initiate sex.

 

When husbands avoid initiating because they want their wife to initiate, that is cutting off your nose to spite your face. You should know if she wants it by her response when you are having sex.

 

Now that it has been SIX MONTHS, however, things are unnecessarily awkward. Have you really not initiated in six months? Why?

[xxoo]

Women generally know within seconds or at most minutes if they are sexually attracted to a man. No "turning on" is necessary.

 

But it is also possible to turn a woman OFF (which is what your approach would do), even if you initially turned her on.