We've only just met, what do I do?

[Ludmila]

Hello,

 

I haven't posted in a while, now. I had a sort of relationship/friendship crossover with a single man for most of last year, which never went anywhere though we were very close a lot of the time.

 

In the end I got fed up with never knowing where I stood, and stopped having contact with him though we still say hello when we meet by chance - I have refused several invitations to have coffee with him etc and feel better for it, though we have never really fallen out.

 

Then about 4 weeks ago, I met someone new.

 

He came to work on my apartment and immediately I saw him, and he spoke to me, I knew there was something about him I connected with.

 

He is 18 years older than I am but it doesn't seem to matter. It became very hard to conceal my anguish when he was working here, as it was getting painful not to reach out to him when we talked and I know this might sound very stupid, but I don't remember feeling like this about anyone since I met my child's father 12 years ago.

 

It's like an entirely heart-based thing, doesn't make any sense, my head is saying what the heck are you doing. But I absolutely feel as though I love him, and I don't know why. I knew within days.

 

So, we've known each other for four weeks and after two weeks he held me and we kissed. Because he was working here and I knew he had someone who lives a long way away, there was no pretending, no attempts to impress, we were just ourselves.

 

He was married a long time ago and divorced. He then met someone else and they never married but have been together 18 years, I guess since he was my age. He only goes home every other weekend and says they don't get on too well as she always thinks he's cheating, and he's usually not - though he has messed around a few times over the years.

 

I got myself together and told him I will not continue seeing him unless he finds himself available some day, because I've been the OW before and it's awful. I don't see the sense in it now, if he still loves her enough to want to go home to her, he cannot love me, and it would feel pathetic to hang on for those few crumbs of Not-really-love. I've no intention of being his mistress, but to demand he leave something so long term feels selfish and silly, though I know we can't carry on if he still wants to be with her.

 

Anyway, he is meant to be going home next weekend, and he's already argued with her last time he went back, and told her he wants to be like a single man, and she should be like she's single, too. He told her he thinks she should see other people, and came back here a day early (not to see me, just to be by himself).

 

I thought this was particularly rubbish of him, if he thinks that's a good enough solution for me OR for her, who I feel really sorry for and don't want to have a hand in hurting.

 

They don't have children together and hers are grown. He's been living down here on his own for ten years, as his work is here. He says he has little to lose, but I don't feel right if he leaves her, somehow, unless he is sure about me and I'm sure about him. It's so early days.

 

Physically and emotionally I am in very deep already, I don't know how, or why, it's crazy. He's incredible, to me. Mentally, I am still wondering whether he just likes the sex, which we haven't had much chance to do yet and tbh I don't want to any more unless he is free.

 

I was in bits the other day when I told him I couldn't see him, and cancelled a date we had for Valentines. He came over to my apartment a few days after, and told me he couldn't be apart from me, he's in love with me, he loves me and not just for sex but for myself. He says this has to work out, he wants us to be together. (He did, previously, say we could see each other and he'd still go back to her, to avoid changing anything, but I kind of said no way to that - makes me wonder if he really does love me)

 

I have NO IDEA what to do or think. If anyone wants to throw in some wisdom, with hindsight/experience I would be so so grateful. I don't want to get this one wrong. I can't, he's like my every breath, and I'm so sorry if that sounds stupid, it's honestly how I feel and I know it's ridiculous but it's overwhelming.

 

thankyou for reading.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm a little confused about your timeline. You kissed, and then you got yourself together and told him "no more"?

 

But then you say you are physically and emotionally "in very deep"?

 

How deep can it be in just 4 weeks since meeting him?

 

If this is not a good situation for you, then why go there?

 

I wonder why you seem drawn exclusively to men who can't really be in a full relationship with you?

[Owl]

Well...what do you THINK everyone will/should tell you?

 

What do you expect to hear from the LS forum?

 

What have your family/friends told you?

[Ludmila]

Thankyou;

 

I wonder that too. No, hold on though - last year I met a single man in January and only stopped seeing him in December. He was completely single although I realised, emotionally unavailable to a degree.

 

So they're not all married/seeing someone though a fair few have been.

 

I don't want to be the oW again. I'm sick of it. I don't even want to give him 2 months, which is how long it took the last attached guy I was with. (whom I then left as he was gutted to leave her and really miserable, so I realised I wasn't his main attachment).

 

this does feel different. He seems very attached to me, and genuinely to be considering how to leave his partner.

 

But I don't think I will feel comfortable whatever he does. If he leaves her for me it's a heck of a responsibility. If he doesn't want to, it's got to end.

 

Sorry for the lack of clarity. We met 16th January at my home. I wrote that I liked him that night. Over the next few days we spoke all the time, became closer, though nothing happened till about a week-10 days later when he just put his arms around me.

Then we kissed the next day and things progressed rapidly.

It's evened off now. We speak all the time, he finished work here over a week ago, but he calls every day, we text and sometimes he calls here after work. We have been kissing and so on. We've slept together once. I have kids, so there's not much of a chance.

 

I want him here all the time but that's wrong for the kids, and for us, too, as it's too soon, though I want him around so much.

 

It's hard to explain but we both feel head over heels in love, and we can't understand how it happened so quickly. Well that's how I feel anyway and he says the same but I am unsure what to believe, whether there would be any justification in him breaking up his relationship for it, etc etc.

 

I definitely don't want to be with him unless he really wants to be with me. He says we have to be together, he loves me etc.

 

Hope that makes sense. We keep talking. I just need to know what is the RIGHT thing to do in this situation. Just walk away from each other? He's afraid I'll meet someone else (unlikely, I haven't felt like this about anyone in so long).

I don't get why he would want to stay with her if he doesn't get on with her, but he says he's used to it. He's nearly 60 so maybe it's hard to change.

I don't intend to fall for any bullsh*t. Just could use some help thinking sensibly about what will work, and what won't, and how to proceed.

[Ludmila]

Sorry Owl, crossed posts. I'm not sure what I expect to be told apart from walk away, maybe?

 

Obviously not to start something with someone until he is single. But how long do I give him?

How do I know if he means any of this? Or if it's all just talking the talk.

 

I don't want to be involved in an affair, only if it's very very brief and just while he makes himself available. I have an awful feeling it won't be that simple.

 

(ps by 'wrote' I mean I wrote in my own diary how much I liked him so it was very sudden attraction).

[Ludmila]

Sorry, I missed a question...I've only told one friend who didn't give her opinion really as we only had a quick conversation and had to run.

 

My parents aren't the kind of people I can take much advice from on this sort of thing. They are very straight and religious. So I guess that's why I'm asking you guys.

 

I thought you would have the rounded perspective I need.

 

I am realising writing all this down that it would be wrong to take him from the person he is currently with.

 

It makes me really sad.

[whichwayisup]

He did, previously, say we could see each other and he'd still go back to her, to avoid changing anything, but I kind of said no way to that - makes me wonder if he really does love me)

 

This pretty much sums it up. He has no real intention of ending his current relationship, he wants both. You on the side and his live-in common law wife.

 

Now, it's up to you to decide what it is YOU want.

 

If you are hoping and waiting he'll choose you, stop. He isn't going to choose, he may love you and care about you, but at the end of the day that's not enough for him to leave the life he has now and change it all to be with you. He is happy with having two women, having an affair on the side. That's it. Sorry to be harsh but you've been down this road before so you should SEE the red flags and KNOW that most MM say stuff that they may mean in the heat of the moment but have no plans on following through. Why put yourself through all this again?

 

RUN. Even if it kills you now, end this.

[Mme. Chaucer]

No, hold on though - last year I met a single man in January and only stopped seeing him in December. He was completely single although I realised, emotionally unavailable to a degree.

 

I was including this emotionally unavailable guy in the generally unavailable pool of men you've gone for.

 

No matter how much you "feel" for this guy, it will be relatively easy for you to just shut down this mess right now, if you so choose. Not much is really happening, outside of your own romantic fantasy life. I get the feeling you won't, though.

[Ludmila]

Thankyou, again. Yes, it struck me as a bit of a dubious thing to say/red flag too.

 

I mean if he's happy to carry on seeing her and seeing me, what on earth does that say about how he feels for me.

 

I did say to him that it made me feel like I'm not enough for him, not good enough.

He then went and got drunk and thought about it, and wondered if he ought to just stop seeing me, and do what i suggested, and stay with her. And then he decided not to, because he wants to be with me.

 

I suppose what I am wondering is, I know a lot of genuine relationships start when one person is seeing someone else. But what is the difference between that, and the ones that become horrible, long, destructive affairs?

This was the reason I cancelled the date we had planned on Saturday.

I realised it was crazy to date someone who doesn't want to leave his partner.

But since then, the last few days, he has been trying to convince me that he will 'sort it out' and he can't just let me go.

 

I'm flattered by that but like you say, big red flags. He probably won't leave her. I think we just got in over our heads tbh, and he's enjoying the thrill of it all but has no real intention of leaving her.

 

It's so crap isn't it. Sorry if my posts have annoyed you, I didn't mean to.

 

I'm trying to work out how to walk away from him/this relationship, at the same time as really, really not wanting to, because he seems to feed some kind of immense hunger in me. It feels dangerous though as if I could really get hurt.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Really, you have not even known him for one month. I do believe in love at first sight, in a way, but even with that a month is absolutely and positively in the beginning of getting to know each other stagy. You are attributing a great deal of inappropriate weight to this. Even if he wasn't in a long term relationship. Which he is. So move on.

 

If he breaks up, he knows where to find you.

[Ludmila]

you're right. I am giving it so much weight but it's like I cannot help it. It's like, he seems to be everything already, and that cannot be a healthy thing.

What is wrong with me?

He has many flaws all of which I am overlooking because of how he makes me feel. When he looks at me I fall apart inside.

 

My emotional response to him scares me. It's like I knew him many years ago and loved him then, like, when i was a small child or something- he resonates with me. I feel as if I have been waiting for him all my life, no exaggeration, and he's not even that good looking or that good a person or anything rational, or sensible.

 

I am really frightened by how much he means to me already. It's almost that I am afraid to leave him. I feel afraid of what will happen to me. Maybe some counselling would help.

 

Seriously, in 12 years NO man has made me feel like this, well, ever actually. Even the man I loved 12 years ago and was with for four years, I didn't feel this intensity of attraction for. I almost feel like I'm going mad, or something.

 

I am actually quite scared by my response.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It almost seems like this is make-believe ...

[Gentlegirl2]

Seems it is all about how he makes you feel...you keep relating it back to many years ago. Pleas stop and think about the overall situation. It wouldnt appear to be a healthy situation at all.

 

I am sure he makes you feel good. After all he is angling to have you on supply while he is away working, and his partner for waiting with open arms when he returns home.

 

He is looking for the best of both world. Why settle for one woman, when he can have two falling over their feet to please him??????

 

GG

[Ludmila]

Make believe as in, me making it up for some strange reason, or that he's not real, I'm not seeing him as real? The latter I accept. Please don't think I'm trolling, or whatever you would call it...it's a very real situation here.

 

Why would I be making it up? I'm really sorry if you think that, but I don't know how to prove to you that I'm genuine. If I could in any way I would.

 

Thanks GG, I can see it's a great situation for him to get someone madly in love with him and willing to do whatever when he's here, and keep the partner at home even if he only goes back ever couple of weeks.

 

It is so bizarre to feel this strongly for someone I only just met, that often at night I am lying here thinking, what the heck am I doing.

 

and yet when we were apart for a day or two and I thought it was really over, because he didn't answer his phone, I was just devastated.

 

I feel hesitant to post any more if people aren't believing me, so I won't write too much more...you have been helpful, thankyou.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Any way you look at it, the fantasy element is very huge here.

[whichwayisup]

Make believe in the sense of fantasy and feeling good where puppies and kittens are in bubbles..

 

What you feel is real but WHAT is it based on? Emotions, lust, attraction.

 

After one month you DO NOT KNOW this man. You only see what your heart and emotions will allow you to see. What you feel for him IS clouding your judgement. All that he's told you, and how he is just shows that you're not seeing things clearly.

 

Re-read your posts and tell me what the red flags are, look for his flaws (and he has some pretty big ones!), not only that but your 'relationship' aka affair, are you proud? Can you bring him home to meet family and friends? My guess is no.

 

Just because one has feelings for someone and is attracted to them doesn't mean one has to have them.

 

18 years vs ONE month. Do the math.. He's caught up in all this, as are you, but it's totally inappropriate and wrong. He is NOT a free and single man so he shouldn't be offering himself up to you. He's selfish, a cheater and if he truly cared about you (and his wife) he wouldn't be allowing this to happen, nor would be wanting to continue on with you AFTER you told him that this situation is no good for you.

 

End it now before you're in deeper. This isn't love, it's lust and animalistic attraction which is based on selfish feelings and also on the expense of his unsuspecting and innocent partner.

 

You have MORE control that you realize so be strong. You can say NO.

[Ludmila]

Yes, it is very much a fantasy, I expect. In that I'm giving him attributes he may not have, because he seems to fit into my image of something I love, and I don't know whether he is really like that or not. How can I when we only met such a short time ago.

 

What I don't get is why I am so heavily involved with him, at this early stage, in my own mind, against all reason and sense.

 

I don't normally go head over heels with people...the last few it's been a thinking-based thing, partly, or even mostly - trying to find someone who would be 'right' and good for me in various ways.

 

This one isn't. plainly he is very different to me, not my sort of life, he leads - and he's too old, way too old, and he drinks, and I never do, etc etc. It's ridiculous in so many ways yet we feel so much for each other, or he seems to, and I know I do.

 

It does seem like maybe there is more feeling on my side and he might be taking advantage of that.

 

I just feel incredibly strongly about him. That worries me. It's not joyous 'love at first sight' which btw I've never believed in. It's terrifying. But also very exciting, and I am happy around him.

 

Look I don't like the thought you might think I'm some kind of weirdo making this all up, I'm used to being believed, I've been a regular on a very well known UK forum for 5 years and people usually trust me there unless I namechange, and post something odd enough to question.

 

I don't get why anyone would make up anything like this. It's not fun.

[whichwayisup]

This is what affairs are all about, passion, sneaking around, lying and drama, intense feelings. But, what you don't see is how damaging this is going to be to YOU even though right now you're feeling so good and think that he *may* choose you one day and end up yours.

 

This behaviour and what you feel is addictive and unhealthy at the same time, you're letting emotions and lust RULE over your better judgement and your gut. You know better but are too weak to truly end it because you don't want it to end, you're addicted to how he makes you feel.

 

The guilt, the feeling bad for his partner, knowing that this is wrong is NOT enough right now to detour you from the truck that is going to hit you one day.

If it was enough and if you truly listened to your HEAD and GUT, you'd end it now.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, it's time to stop indulging in all of this.

[Ludmila]

Sorry again for x posts. WWIU, thanks for a very kind reply.

 

Yes, that's true - I don't know him yet.

 

Maybe this is just lust. Especially on his part. There is definitely a huge sexual element to it, in the wanting if not the doing.

 

I want him because I think he returns my feelings, but I have been holding back not knowing if he means it.

 

No, I can't introduce him to my family. I've told him I'm sick of being everyone's secret, that I need someone who is proud of me.

 

If he goes back there this weekend I think I know he won't leave her.

And part of me doesn't want him to because we're not really a good match. And I am afraid of him, I don't know why. But then I tend to get afraid of most men I date due to past experiences.

Even the harmless ones.

 

Emotionally unavailable= safer. And this one is totally emotionally available to me, and that makes it dangerous to me I suppose.

 

He clearly represents something, or someone, maybe my mother, or something like that - this is like a very deep love, he's tapped into but it may not be about him if that makes sense...the things we don't have and crave as small children, maybe we always seek them. I don't know.

 

thankyou for some really kind posts everyone, and I hope I don't come across as a complete crazy person. I'm pretty shy normally and don't have a load of friends, but otherwise, I'm kind of normal.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/

 

And go read the other articles on baggage claim, it'll hopefully help you and prevent you from making a HUGE bad choice that IS going to do tons of harm to you.

 

Sweetie, it doesn't matter what he feels for you.. Fact is, he's UNAVAILABLE. That's not going to change, he's told this so believe him. Don't give yourself "hope".. Stop listening to your emotions which are taking over and start reading and asking yourself WHY you are allowing this in your life, even more so since he can't be a part of your whole life and you can't be a part of his whole life.

 

Others may encourage you to continue on this path, to see what happens, to give him time to figure stuff out. Don't enable him by staying the OW. UNLESS you're in this for a fun affair and know it'll end, you go own your separate ways after no hard feelings.. I AM suggesting strongly that you walk away before you lose who you are...

[Ludmila]

by the truck that's going to hit me - do you mean, when I realise he was just using me for a thrill, for sex etc and he isn't ever going to leave her to be with me?

 

Maybe.

No, I do see it, and I am really frightened of it yet as you say, the feelings I get around him are way stronger than the fear.

 

I don't actually fantasise about him leaving her, it doesn't seem like the right thing. I am worried he might, actually. And then blame me if we don't work out.

 

I have no idea how to have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone and how on earth will I manage it with him???

 

If I could have this one dream, it would be having him working at my place all day, every day, like he was for a few weeks, and just having him around, and talking, and having sex sometimes too because he makes me feel so happy and good when we talk, or when he just stares at me, smiling.

 

(not embellishing/trying to sound overromantic - sorry if it reads that way, it's just what happens, just describing it as best I can)

 

I wish he was single when I met him. That's what I wish. Not that he will leave someone who probably loves him and he probably loves her too. That's not part of the fantasy.

 

Yet I don't want someone who is attached, literally or emotionally, to someone else. That's just horrible.

 

I still have to figure this all out, I appreciate your honesty with me, and talking straight.

I feel like a big tornado picked up my life and we're still swirling around in the sky. It really feels unreal.

[Ludmila]

Thankyou so much for the link. I have been reading a lot of NML's stuff the last few days but missed that one, maybe I was avoiding it.

 

I've been so cold to him, told him several times I won't continue with it despite him begging me to love him and be with him. (yes he actually begged me one night, on the phone, when I was saying, he ought to stop this and let me go, once the job had finished).

 

I was resolute and then he went and I was in pieces.

 

I am going to go and read the link. Thankyou so much.

[whichwayisup]

by the truck that's going to hit me - do you mean, when I realise he was just using me for a thrill, for sex etc and he isn't ever going to leave her to be with me?

 

Stop wondering about what he thinks and feels and focus on YOU! What you feel and why. Something in you is broken, the choices you're making and have made in the past.. Maybe your man picker is off..

 

Some counseling will help as well as reading tons of threads in this section and also in the infidelity section as well. See both sides of this and see what you're up against.

 

The truck that's going to hit you is the pain and rollercoaster ride, the ups and downs, the loss of who you are, your values and your morals will be tested. You may do and say things you never thought you'd ever do.. All for what? Some older guy who has no plans on leaving his partner!!

 

He isn't malcious okay, he's SELFISH. He's playing you and having fun but not meanly or cruely.. He is ONLY thinking of himself and how everything benefits him. That's a fact.

 

Take a step back, what if this was your best friend or daughter in this situation. What advice would you give them? Try being objective and 'see' the red flags.. keep posting and don't be sorry for posting too much!

[whichwayisup]

Thankyou so much for the link. I have been reading a lot of NML's stuff the last few days but missed that one, maybe I was avoiding it.

 

I've been so cold to him, told him several times I won't continue with it despite him begging me to love him and be with him. (yes he actually begged me one night, on the phone, when I was saying, he ought to stop this and let me go, once the job had finished).

 

I was resolute and then he went and I was in pieces.

 

I am going to go and read the link. Thankyou so much.

 

DO YOU see that as a big red flag? He is putting himself first, begging and manipulating you, using your emotions against you.. All so he can feel good. In some sense you both are feeding eachothers ego's and obsession of feeling good (affairyland feelings)..

 

Do read that link, over and over again, read others that relate to it and detach. Keep being cool to him, he is trying to push your buttons and get what he wants. PUT YOURSELF FIRST, he certainly isn't going to.