We've only just met, what do I do?

[Gentlegirl2]

If he is 60 ... then he is unlikely to upset his present life and start afresh with you. He probably already has a life with family ties that he will not step away from. . He has lived a lot longer than you and has much more history.

 

YOu said you know he is treating her like crap!

 

Do you honestly think he is treating you any better????

 

He is treating you like CRAP. Do you understand that he is treating you badly?

 

He is treating both of you badly.. you, because you are allowing him to do so.

 

You are being used as the bit on the side.. sorry to be sound so hard. That's what I allowed to happen and I couldn't see it for a long time.

 

I also undertand the feelings you have . They aren't real. YOu are living in fairyland for the time being.

 

It would be great if you decided to go NC with him now before you get in any deeper. A year from now you will be so much more attached and you will feel so much more pain when it ends... as it will.

 

My best wishes are with you,

 

GG

[Ludmila]

Thankyou so so much, I understand that you are trying to be kind and help me out of a potentially very big mess before it becomes that.

 

The thing is, I am finding it hard to comprehend that he is treating me badly so far. Aside from the fact that I walked into it with disregard for his circumstances, which is entirely my own doing and which I'm not proud of, he's only been kind to me...he buys gifts for the children, he calls me so many times a day, and wants to take care of everything so that we can be together. Or so he says.

 

So unless he's lying, I don't feel he's using me, not yet anyway. I don't have 'proof' I suppose. If he doesn't end his relationship, or doesn't let me go and be by myself until he manages that, then he would be using me - I will ask him one more time, and if he refuses to let me go, I'll know he doesn't respect my needs.

 

It's only that not enough time has passed, he's only seen her for about 3 days since we met and as you say there are family ties in his home town and he isn't sure how to manage them.

 

I feel that I need, okay I want, to give him the chance to prove he is at least half honourable. I will, indeed I already have a mental detachment, I can feel myself turning off from him, already, because I don't yet trust him.

I plan to keep my physical distance. I will give him a hug today when he goes, but nothing more.

 

I don't hope for him to immediately leave what he is in now. It should take a bit of time to do it carefully, and with maximum respect if he actually wants out. I'm not saying he does. He may well not. In which case he is hers to keep and I wish him well, but I won't see him again.

 

GG I appreciate you've been here before, and so have I, though I've forgotten a lot of what went on back then (12 years ago) and no, I certainly can't see myself being the OW again because like you say, it's pointless. Either someone loves you and can't keep away from you, or they don't really love you and ought to leave you alone. I really do see that clearly and I believe it. 12 years ago I thought he just was trapped.

No free will, etc etc. that was really not the case! He just chose to be with both women. That's a horrible thing to do especially if they both believe you love them the best.

 

Thanks to posting here and all the replies, I feel stronger now to say to him that it's over, until he is free. I'm still worried he'll be angry or lose the plot and act weird or turn into a stalker etc etc. but I have to do it for my own sanity. Then if he decides he really has to be with me, it's up to him.

 

You are right that I'm in fairyland, I think it'll take something He does to wake me up and bring me down to earth. At the moment he isn't doing anything bad to me. If that makes sense. After this weekend I think I will have a clearer idea of what's going on.

 

saying that it still doesn't feel right that he should up and leave his home town after knowing me for 4 weeks...I need to think more about this.

 

Thankyou all again. And sorry if I am a nuisance.

[Ludmila]

By the way, I have done NC with the good looking Emotionally unavailable man. I did it at new year, and only spoke to him in passing last week, at the school, and told him I am seeing someone else. He said he is too, he came over a bit later and asked me to go for coffee with him but I said no thankyou, and made an excuse. He left it as an open invitation, but I have not sent him a text or called or gone to his place at all...NC is great. If that's what it is.

 

So just to reassure you all that if I believe something is right, I can actually do it, and not look back. I'll let you know what happens in this one. Thanks for letting me keep posting, I think I might need to

[Mme. Chaucer]

All of your flowery language is completely inappropriate for the truly minimal situation you have presented. You just met a drunk married old chronically cheating handyman and had sex with him; now you are giving the whole thing the attributes of a (really really cheesy) romance novel written for desperate housewives.

 

You've described a tawdry tryst! Go for it or don't, but please abandon ship on all of the saccharine language and "introspection." The unicorns and rainbows have no place in this tale. Maybe you should try your hand at writing romances for prepubescent girls, because that seems more in line with your style. This story would be much more compelling if you'd tell it as a raunchy steamy sexcapade, with graphic details. Then people might be able to buy into it.

 

Anybody with the history and experiences you have presented as yours, and with your age, is completely capable of separating fantasy from reality. If you can't do this, get professional help. You say you have 2 children (where are they, anyway?) Maybe you should try to become an emotionally stable person for their sake.

[Ludmila]

I don't think I'm going to bother to respond to that, other than to say that I cannot take it seriously, or let it hurt me because it doesn't make sense. Not to me anyway.

 

I had a look at your posting history too, and saw a thread you had begun here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/304842-good-bad-right-wrong-ways-interact-loveshack-2.html

 

which was really interesting, though I didn't get to the end of it.

 

I don't know why you're attacking me, and I cannot prove to you that I'm not making up the details nor do I understand why I ought to adjust my style of writing in order to assuage your annoyance. It's how I write and how I feel. I'm not a novelist, practising on you guys, if that's what you're thinking. We had them on the other site from time to time too.

 

And if I was I wouldn't write ****e like this.

 

So please just leave it out and pick on someone else. Unless it's some kind of initiation ritual, in which case I've no idea how to become accepted so it's pointless anyway.

 

Cheerio

[Mme. Chaucer]

Sorry. The reason I react like this is that it's hard for me to control my ire when my BS meter is sounding off wildly. I guess everybody knows where I stand on your tale by now, so I will bow out. Enjoy your expedition.

[Ludmila]

What do you mean, by the way, by where are my children? It's nothing to do with you, but they are eating and watching a DVD in the dining room.

 

What a weird question. I suppose you're going to have a go at me about that as well, now, aren't you.

[Ludmila]

Thankyou for the apology. I understand. I was one of the more prominent troll hunters on my other site. People started to hate what we were doing so I stopped getting involved.

 

I often think I smell BS but sometimes I find I'm wrong...we have a rule, we don't accuse on threads. We report suspicions to the mods who can confirm name changers and so on. Sometimes we're right. Sometimes someone just has a bizarre life or writes in an odd way.

 

I thought my style was fairly normal, you clearly don't, maybe it's a US/UK thing. Anyway if you can think of any way I can prove that I'm genuine I'll gladly try my best. Except there's no way I can think of.

 

Anyway...see you.

Edited February 16, 2012 by Ludmila
spelling

[Ludmila]

I'm hesitant to post again but he was just here, and he's been talking to his SO (is that the acronym, significant other?) and discussing breaking up. She said to make it easier, just don't come home. He said he wanted to talk to her face to face.

But he's arranging to have all his post sent to his local address, and he's going to collect his things.

 

I said are you sure about this. I'm very untidy, can't cook and you can't move in anyway, because of the children. He said he's doing what HE wants to do, for himself, because its been going on for years and these things happen, it's the right time, or something like that.

 

He said am I sure I want this. I said I can't believe anyone really loves me that much, so I keep thinking he will come to his senses any minute. But yes I want to be with him.

He said it won't be romantic all the time. He's still got work, he'll just be living like he does, just in the usual way, like he's single I suppose but seeing me. It's fine with me. He can do what he likes, I don't want to be in each other's pockets.

 

I'm starting to think it might be one of those door opener affairs. But fair enough if so. The main thing I have trouble with is the woman he's leaving, and not wanting to go on with being an oW. I might find out he's a total jerk and treats me badly along the way, but right now, I don't know him well enough to tell.

 

Sooooo...I'm feeling a bit shocked that he's actually doing it. And worried about what we do from here. And if I will be a disappointment to him.

 

I should take it as slowly as possible, right? He said he will take time off when the kids are at school, he isn't going to be staying over here.

 

<gulp>

[Owl]

Be careful what you ask for...you may suddenly find yourself given it!

[Ludmila]

I know! Yikes.

 

It's not really sinking in yet, maybe he will get there and find he can't really do it when it comes down to it.

 

Also I suppose a good thing is he isn't stringing me and her along for months on end. At least he's being decisive.

 

I really don't know how to feel. And he might be a jerk. I don't know.

 

see me panicking now!

[whichwayisup]

I'm hesitant to post again but he was just here, and he's been talking to his SO (is that the acronym, significant other?) and discussing breaking up. She said to make it easier, just don't come home. He said he wanted to talk to her face to face.

But he's arranging to have all his post sent to his local address, and he's going to collect his things.

 

I said are you sure about this. I'm very untidy, can't cook and you can't move in anyway, because of the children. He said he's doing what HE wants to do, for himself, because its been going on for years and these things happen, it's the right time, or something like that.

 

He said am I sure I want this. I said I can't believe anyone really loves me that much, so I keep thinking he will come to his senses any minute. But yes I want to be with him.

He said it won't be romantic all the time. He's still got work, he'll just be living like he does, just in the usual way, like he's single I suppose but seeing me. It's fine with me. He can do what he likes, I don't want to be in each other's pockets.

 

I'm starting to think it might be one of those door opener affairs. But fair enough if so. The main thing I have trouble with is the woman he's leaving, and not wanting to go on with being an oW. I might find out he's a total jerk and treats me badly along the way, but right now, I don't know him well enough to tell.

 

Sooooo...I'm feeling a bit shocked that he's actually doing it. And worried about what we do from here. And if I will be a disappointment to him.

 

I should take it as slowly as possible, right? He said he will take time off when the kids are at school, he isn't going to be staying over here.

 

<gulp>

 

Are you even sure he talked to her or is he just telling you that he did? Some MM LIE and make stories up, to keep the OW interested.

 

IF what he is saying is true this is what you should consider doing.

 

"I care about you, a lot, but I will not be the OW and continue having an affair with you. No more sex, no kisses, nothing. You figure things out and when the Divorce papers are actually signed, you bring me it to me so I can see for my own eyes, and then we can start fresh and date. Until then, I can't and I won't settle to be the OW, I deserve to be NUMBER ONE, not number two."

 

It's up to you, but in all honesty, unless he actually a plan in place and is going to follow through, I wouldn't trust him at his word. Actions..And time will tell.

[Ludmila]

Thankyou

 

No, I'm not sure he isn't lying. He seems genuine, but then he might just be a really good liar!

 

There seems also to be a plan, he says he has spoken to the landlord where he stays, down here, and asked about having his mail sent there, so he's sorting things out.

 

It's possible he will try and keep us both. I think I will know how often he goes back there though as it's 150 miles away, so perhaps i will be able to tell something of what's going on. I don't know. It's a leap of faith with someone who may not be trustworthy. that in itself is possibly foolish.

 

He isn't married to her, so there's no divorce to sort out. He said, 'this is just what happens, it's happened to us, we've met and that's it. People drift apart.'

 

He kept calling last night (normally only sends one text or calls once) to make sure that I was Ok with it - was I sure the age gap didn't bother me, how he would be happy to take me anywhere, that he has the facilities to wash his own work clothes, etc. so I needn't worry about any of that.

 

It really felt like he was nervous and excited. It makes me more worried, if anything, that he's a bit crazy doing this, and I don't want to date someone crazy. We only met the 16th January.

 

I think he was probably on some level glad of a way out of his current thing (if he is telling me the truth, that is) because his excitement about it would be misplaced otherwise. I think he's a bit impetuous. I just hope he is doing the right thing.

 

Thankyou for all your wisdom and kindness. I'll maybe post again in the 'proper' (ie not secret) relationships section if all goes well.

[RRM]

Sooooo...I'm feeling a bit shocked that he's actually doing it. And worried about what we do from here. And if I will be a disappointment to him.

 

I should take it as slowly as possible, right? He said he will take time off when the kids are at school, he isn't going to be staying over here.

 

<gulp>

 

I would definitely take things slowly. You haven't known each other that long and he's not technically done with his old relationship.

 

There seems also to be a plan, he says he has spoken to the landlord where he stays, down here, and asked about having his mail sent there, so he's sorting things out.

 

It really felt like he was nervous and excited. It makes me more worried, if anything, that he's a bit crazy doing this, and I don't want to date someone crazy. We only met the 16th January.

 

I think it would be great if he could give you some proof of his actions, but I suppose that you really have to trust him, which I could see being difficult given your history with one another.

 

I would definitely think about the age gap and any other concerns you might have about him (like the drinking) before getting too involved in this. If you think about how it would be if you'd met him and he were single, that might clue you into some things you haven't totally focused on.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, the dynamic of the way the relationship started can blind you to some things that you would be able to see more clearly if things had started out normal.

 

Regardless of what happens keep us posted and good luck!

[Ludmila]

'I think it would be great if he could give you some proof of his actions, but I suppose that you really have to trust him, which I could see being difficult given your history with one another.'

 

Yes, I agree, I already know he is capable of lying and so on. I'm glad it hasn't been drawn out, in the case of our relationship, and that he seems to have listened when i said I wouldn't be with him unless he was available. But even so, he can lie to people and I can't. So that's a biggie.

 

'I would definitely think about the age gap and any other concerns you might have about him (like the drinking) before getting too involved in this. If you think about how it would be if you'd met him and he were single, that might clue you into some things you haven't totally focused on.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, the dynamic of the way the relationship started can blind you to some things that you would be able to see more clearly if things had started out normal.'

 

 

 

Yes, I agree. I've been thinking about it all last night and since I woke up, around 6am when the kids were still asleep (it doesn't last long!)

 

I spoke to my mother for a long time as well, this morning, about it all. She sounds Ok about it but says to be careful and we shouldn't have sex till he's married me...and I've been told to find out if his marriage was annulled or not, as apparently we can't have a church wedding unless it was I told you what my mother is like.

Talk about jumping the gun!

 

I think you're right, we have to go at it as if we had both been single from the start, and keep our feet on the ground. It's going to be quite hard to do that but hopefully, I mean I really hope, it's worth doing. If something is strong enough to take a lot of standing back, looking objectively at it and criticising and considering it really carefully, then it's a strong relationship. If it can't take that kind of approach then it's probably not that strong to start with.

 

In myself I feel lighter - so much lighter. Not so scared, actually, because I really believe his intentions to me are good. At worst impetuous and misguided, but essentially, really good. He wants to protect me. No one ever has before. I am having trouble getting my head around that.

 

The drinking may well be an issue particularly as when he drinks, he often disappears and doesn't contact me. Well it's only happened twice but either that will just be his way, and I'll know he's coming back, or it will prove too much for me to handle and it won't work out. He may have a problem, he may not. I don't know yet.

 

Having him in the next town, not living here, takes all the pressure off, for the time being at least. We are going to be like two single people - the relief of not having to worry about his partner is IMMENSE, it's like the sun just came out. (as long as he does what he plans to - he may not, I know)

 

I want to take it gradually and be open about everything with him and see where it takes us.

 

Thankyou so much for the good luck.

[Ludmila]

Sorry about the quoting disaster btw, I added '' as it didn't look like it was going to come out with the boxes and all...need to learn how to do it properly (no embarrassed smiley, either...but I need one!)

[whichwayisup]

Jan 16th? Oh L, he's playing you like a fiddle.. If this guy wasn't married and he was single, would you be moving this quickly with someone you didn't know? It's because he's married you think he's safe and okay.. Keep your heart shielded and keep your eyes open wide.

 

 

He isn't married to her, so there's no divorce to sort out. He said, 'this is just what happens, it's happened to us, we've met and that's it. People drift apart.'

 

Do you have proof that he isn't married? How do you know 100 percent for sure? Also, they are common law and if they share a house, finances together, expenses etc, she IS entitled! They may have Wills drawn up so she will get something..IF what he's telling you IS true. Time will tell.

 

He's not going to throw away 18 years this quickly.. He's lying but not malciously, he's lying selfishly..

[whichwayisup]

I want to take it gradually and be open about everything with him and see where it takes us.

 

I see you've made your decision to continue on this destructive path..

 

I'm sorry to hear this, but just know if/when things go south and he breaks your heart, kills who you are inside, I'll support you and give you some cyber hugs.. Good luck and be aware of red flags, don't let yourself get all caught up in his life, put you first.

[Ludmila]

Thankyou...I'm sorry to make you so concerned. I didn't mean to.

 

Maybe it is all too quick.

 

My feeling is that he is being honest...I knew a guy very well once who took a plane to another country, to ask the girl he had just met to marry him, and he had recently divorced from a year's marriage! We were all about 27 at the time. They are still together and married and have two children.

So I mean it can be that quick, though I realise that's rare.

 

I promise to be careful.

In the uK I don't think she is entitled to anything, if he leaves - they only rent, no property to sell. They've no children between them. He is barely there anyway.

Sooooo I think he's telling the truth as he told me most of this well before we acknowledged any mutual attraction...on the first day he was working here, when he also told me he would never bother with a mistress as it was too much hard work! (I'd been talking about my child's father).

 

I don't see any reason not to believe him at this stage, but you are right, I need to be careful and watch out as I don't know him properly yet.

 

Thankyou, I appreciate it very much.

I'll update, probably if we run into problems, or if we don't! But I will take it slowly now we have a basis on which to build something, it's funny but when he was still with her, I didn't feel there was that chance to build something solid. It was all worrying and wondering if I could trust him.

 

Now the weight is off, we can do things the way we want to...hopefully he will agree about going slowly.

[whichwayisup]

You've only known him LESS than a month really, I wouldn't trust ANYBODY 100 percent, male or female after only knowing them for such a short time.

 

Fact - MM lie.

Fact - You've had some bad relationships in the past and possibly your man picker is off a bit, so choosing to get involved with someone (reguardless if he is married with a ring on his finger, or has a gf/partner of 18 years) and believing every single word he said IS a huge red flag.

 

Do a site search on the username i'mstunned (imstunned, not sure if ' is in there or not)..Her MM LIED to her so much, led her to believe he wasn't married, he was. Led her to believe he was in awful accident, making her think he was dead. LIE LIE and more LIES.

 

Ask Ladygrey about her exMM and his lies.

 

You have no idea what some people are capable of. All I can say is, you're investing way too much into someone you barely know. I'm just worried that this guy is going to do a huge number on you and mess you up. Again, not malciously, but because he is SELFISH and only cares about himself.

[Ludmila]

I'll have a look at the threads you mention, and I'll think about what you're saying.

 

Yes, he could be making all of it up. God, I really hope not. It all rings true so far but then what would I know? I really don't know him very well, do I.

 

I see what you mean. He could be anyone. I have a few people who know him, vaguely, interestingly my son's father is in the same trade and remembers working with him many years ago...he said he liked to drink and was a bit of a 'geezer' (not sure if that translates into US slang!) but basically 'one of the lads', someone who could joke around with the other men working on a job. Probably rude jokes, that sort of thing.

 

Also he works for a close friend of my landlord, whom I am close to so if we are to start being publicly together, I guess I can ask my landlord to check out if he's actually who he says he is.

 

I think I believe a lot of it because like I said, he was telling me things well before any interest was expressed either way, and he's told me some things that aren't very good, as well, and he knew I didn't approve of them because I'd spoken about that sort of thing already with some disapproval. But he told me anyway. So that makes me think he's not trying to hide too much - he could tell me anything, I wouldn't know.

 

I really, really hope he is being genuine with me. But I WILL keep in mind that he may not be, and yes you're right, I will be devastated if he isn't who he says he is. So I will not fully trust him for a while.

 

Thankyou again for being so kind.

[Ludmila]

Oh God. Maybe you're right. It's Ok - I can take harsh, I can't take sarcasm or being accused of lying ( because I can't admit to something I don't do, if you see what I mean.)

 

Anything else I'll hold my hands up to... and I can tell that you mean well, like most people who have replied.

 

I am desperate. I know that. I think possibly even more so after a year with the EUM when I just never, ever got that validation of what was going on (or wasn't, I guess). The frustration was huge.

 

I think I was desperate for sex, as well as to be acknowledged and loved. So yes, I want so badly to believe everything he says and that he really loves me and is this fairly innocent, slightly clumsy, older man that hasn't had the opportunity or energy or desire for a whole lot of affairs.

 

That's what I wanted to see.

 

By messing about, I don't know what he means or how far he has gone with those people...or when, how often, how long ago. He could be shagging someone at every location...he works in several.

 

All I have got - literally - is his word.

 

The trouble is I do believe him at the moment, and feel that he is genuine to me but then, it's not based on anything concrete. It's struck me as a bit odd that I fell head over heels in love with him, and surprisingly, he did with me, just at the same time. How often does that happen for real?

 

That makes me wonder if he's just using me for what I will offer. I have offered quite a lot. It is very clear that I am lonely, and desperate. I'm sure of it.

 

So is there a way I can give him a chance to prove himself to me, or should I not even be considering giving him that chance? Because he has a history of less than faithful and honest behaviour?

 

I don't know what to do. I do love him (no matter my stupid motives and how irrational it is) and I am reluctant to leave him. He makes me feel very, very happy when we are together. I don't want to give that up.

 

I can see that I'm not emotionally healthy and I'm not sure I ever have been. I thought I had made progress...maybe not. I'm sure you're right about an old, unmet need, that's nothing to do with him but all in my own head.

I've had therapy before. Other than relinquishing any relationships with anyone, is there a way to get around this? I don't want to screw up my life or that of my children (again).

 

I really don't want to leave him. I'm sorry, I know how that must sound. I just feel like I've been keeping my head above water in terms of being on my own, and it's getting too hard to bear.

[Ludmila]

Just one quick thing, for those saying 'but you have literally only just met him' - yes, but we have been around each other all day every day for nearly all of that time.

 

So if you put that into dating terms, we've had around 20 long dates. I don't know if that makes any odds, I really don't, but I do feel I know something of him from that...if it makes sense.

[2sunny]

Don give him anything for a long while... Especially sex.

 

Spend 50.00 and do a background check on him... Including an examination of his credit history and any court troubles with the law.

 

It helps to know what the history is on this stranger you slept with.

 

Find out what he's not gonna tell you!

[2sunny]

Just one quick thing, for those saying 'but you have literally only just met him' - yes, but we have been around each other all day every day for nearly all of that time.

 

So if you put that into dating terms, we've had around 20 long dates. I don't know if that makes any odds, I really don't, but I do feel I know something of him from that...if it makes sense.

 

That is NOT dating!

 

That is him hanging around you - seeing what he can mooch from you - including sex - with the premise of "paying attention to you" - enough to where YOU think it's love.