We've only just met, what do I do?

[Ludmila]

It never occurred to me to check out his past like that - I am hesitant to as I don't know how, for a start, and also I hate to think I am dating someone I don't trust, enough to want to do that.

 

It's kind of trusting until given a good reason not to, I suppose...isn't that what most people do when they start dating?

 

Can I not just take a little more time, talk some more, ask him these things? Why should I assume he is hiding something big, more than anyone else would? I'm just not sure it's right to do something like that.

 

I have used a search engine to look for him, just idly as I was thinking about him. It came up with some family announcements that match what he has told me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What more can be said about this?

 

One thing is clear - OP, you are absolutely desperate for any kind of attention. It's very pathetic.

[2sunny]

It never occurred to me to check out his past like that - I am hesitant to as I don't know how, for a start, and also I hate to think I am dating someone I don't trust, enough to want to do that.

 

It's kind of trusting until given a good reason not to, I suppose...isn't that what most people do when they start dating?

 

Can I not just take a little more time, talk some more, ask him these things? Why should I assume he is hiding something big, more than anyone else would? I'm just not sure it's right to do something like that.

 

I have used a search engine to look for him, just idly as I was thinking about him. It came up with some family announcements that match what he has told me.

 

Best to have evidence.

 

Any person can give you false info - especially a vulnerable gal like you - one who tends to believe the lies.

 

Find out! Google a search site. Intellius is a good place to start.

[Ludmila]

Thanks Sunny

 

LadyGrey, I suppose I don't know how red the flags are.

 

That's what I'm having trouble with.

 

I'm seeing it like this:

 

1. I met a man, and liked something about him immediately, and we found we got on really well and were sexually attracted.

 

2. We spent a bit of time talking before embarking on anything physical - well, about a week of solid talking and being together. And more time after acknowledging these feelings.

 

3. He told me he was involved with someone and didn't have much impetus to leave, as at his age, you get used to things and it's a big hassle to up and end things for no real reason. (this was on the first day or two)

 

4. We kissed etc after a week and from then we got closer, to the point where he decided if I wouldn't have him part time, or be his mistress, he would make himself available for a relationship.

 

5. He seems to be doing this, after making sure I am sure I want to date him exclusively, and that he wants to be with me.

 

 

The situation changed when he said he was going to end his relationship.

 

I guess the red flags I see now, since he's no longer trying to have an affair with me, (that was my main problem with him) are that he has lied previously to his partner, during a failing relationship (that doesn't make it Ok);

that he has 'messed about' with some other women, during the 18 years they were together, and not left her for any of them - these could have been serious or long term affairs, I do not know and would prefer to know. He may not tell me. But I can ask, I can try asking him.

 

and that he likes to drink, and sometimes when he drinks, he doesn't contact me for several hours.

 

Those to me are not things that frighten me. Not at this stage, anyway.

Falling in love so quickly, yes maybe it's a red flag, maybe it's not - plenty of people do it - we're not rushing into cohabitation, or marriage (despite my mother), we just want to see each other.

 

I'm sorry if I sound stupid, perhaps I'm underestimating the importance of these signs? Am I? Are they actually really huge red flags? Or just things that people sometimes do but then they stop doing them, or try their best not to, or whatever,

 

I don't know.

 

MmeChaucer, if you don't think there's any more to say, then why comment? Please stop it. It's hurtful and unhelpful, people are aware you don't believe my situation is real, surely if they don't want to post for fear of giving emotional energy to something false then they are able to make that judgment themselves...I hope no one feels that way, as I am really struggling with this and want badly to figure it out.

 

Perhaps everything has been said. I don't mind if you all just wander off - you have spent enough time on me, and I don't want to take too much. Perhaps I just need to re-read everything posted and absorb it, without going over it again and again.

 

Sorry.

[MissBee]

Thanks Sunny

 

 

I'm sorry if I sound stupid, perhaps I'm underestimating the importance of these signs? Am I? Are they actually really huge red flags? Or just things that people sometimes do but then they stop doing them, or try their best not to, or whatever,

 

I don't know.

 

 

Sorry.

 

Ludmilla,

 

You apologize quite profusely...it kind of speaks to the mindset at which you approach life.

 

The short answer is: when something is RIGHT one hardly needs to second guess and analyze it on a forum. The fact that you are here and are uncertain is the biggest flag that this situation is not kosher.

 

"Falling in love" so quickly is a sign also of a potentially bad situation. That "in love" feeling is a feeling....and not anything substantial. I am much younger than you are and have already come to see that for myself. The situations where I fell the quickest...were the most unsustainable relationships. It pointed to my own fantasies and projections, despite reality. It seems you may be caught up in that too, romanticizing a 1 month affair as some deep, love...when it is not.

 

I am not being rude....but are you lonely? We all get lonely and when we do, any attention and possibility of romance and a distraction prove to be a lot more appealing than if we were not. I too have entertained situations because of wanting some attention and fake-love, and I too had to justify every step of the way, but deep down, I KNEW my need to explain and explain and analyze was my higher self showing me it was not right.

 

I wish you strength and clarity.

[Ludmila]

Thanks, I know you're not being rude.

 

Yes, I am very lonely. I've spent my life avoiding social contact with most people, in the way that most people do it - I don't go out to parties or pubs and I prefer to be alone. I think this is because I learned from an early age that I do things wrong, say things wrong and people don't tend to like me once they get close.

 

So yes, very lonely and I suppose meeting someone in my home, who took on board the way I live (very untidy) and my usual habits and mood and so on, I felt accepted in a way I usually am afraid to risk. There was no choice in him being here, I didn't commission the work, it was statutory.

 

I do the school run every day and I can chat to people and smile and look briefly Ok, a little bit confident, though it's all pretty fake.

 

I only feel confident-ish when I'm at home on my own. So it was fairly easy to take his being around and run with it...it felt like I wasn't alone any more. That was pretty powerful, to me. It was just an accident though for him.

 

maybe he just took advantage,

 

Thanks for being so nice and all but there are clearly more issues here than I can hope for anyone to resolve. It's me that is the problem...and maybe him, too. Back to basics.

 

It's probably way too good to be true. That's how it feels and so I guess it's not real.

I have to go as my son just threw up (sorry) but thanks again.

[Ludmila]

Just to say,

 

'"Falling in love" so quickly is a sign also of a potentially bad situation. That "in love" feeling is a feeling....and not anything substantial. I am much younger than you are and have already come to see that for myself. The situations where I fell the quickest...were the most unsustainable relationships. It pointed to my own fantasies and projections, despite reality. It seems you may be caught up in that too, romanticizing a 1 month affair as some deep, love...when it is not. '

 

This makes a lot of sense.

[MissBee]

Thanks, I know you're not being rude.

 

Yes, I am very lonely. I've spent my life avoiding social contact with most people, in the way that most people do it - I don't go out to parties or pubs and I prefer to be alone. I think this is because I learned from an early age that I do things wrong, say things wrong and people don't tend to like me once they get close.

So yes, very lonely and I suppose meeting someone in my home, who took on board the way I live (very untidy) and my usual habits and mood and so on, I felt accepted in a way I usually am afraid to risk. There was no choice in him being here, I didn't commission the work, it was statutory.

I do the school run every day and I can chat to people and smile and look briefly Ok, a little bit confident, though it's all pretty fake.

I only feel confident-ish when I'm at home on my own. So it was fairly easy to take his being around and run with it...it felt like I wasn't alone any more. That was pretty powerful, to me. It was just an accident though for him.

maybe he just took advantage,

 

Thanks for being so nice and all but there are clearly more issues here than I can hope for anyone to resolve. It's me that is the problem...and maybe him, too. Back to basics.

 

It's probably way too good to be true. That's how it feels and so I guess it's not real.

I have to go as my son just threw up (sorry) but thanks again.

 

 

Hey Ludmila,

 

My intuition made sense with regards to you being apologetic and it being a marker of much more. It is horrible that growing up you were made to feel that way, as even as an adult it carries over into diminished self worth and feeling like you essentially have to apologize for who you are It also lends itself to being taken advantage of, as you seek validation and love from the least likely sources to give it, and it lends you to deplete your energy getting bent out shape so that people don't abandon you. That fear of rejection and abandonment is not pleasant....I know.

 

I do think you're smart in acknowledging that you may have stuff to deal with larger than the MM issue and you should definitely look into that. You're not wasting anyone's time here. We ALL come here voluntarily to share, no one is on the clock. So continue posting and sharing IF any advice here resonates. Best of luck!

[alexandria35]

Oh God. Maybe you're right. It's Ok - I can take harsh, I can't take sarcasm or being accused of lying ( because I can't admit to something I don't do, if you see what I mean.)

 

Anything else I'll hold my hands up to... and I can tell that you mean well, like most people who have replied.

 

I am desperate. I know that. I think possibly even more so after a year with the EUM when I just never, ever got that validation of what was going on (or wasn't, I guess). The frustration was huge.

 

I think I was desperate for sex, as well as to be acknowledged and loved. So yes, I want so badly to believe everything he says and that he really loves me and is this fairly innocent, slightly clumsy, older man that hasn't had the opportunity or energy or desire for a whole lot of affairs.

 

That's what I wanted to see.

 

By messing about, I don't know what he means or how far he has gone with those people...or when, how often, how long ago. He could be shagging someone at every location...he works in several.

 

All I have got - literally - is his word.

 

The trouble is I do believe him at the moment, and feel that he is genuine to me but then, it's not based on anything concrete. It's struck me as a bit odd that I fell head over heels in love with him, and surprisingly, he did with me, just at the same time. How often does that happen for real?

 

So you fell head over heels into infatuation with him (sorry I can't call it love) and wow! he did the same with you! This is so not unique or special. Many people have experienced this and many people have been hurt really really bad by this experience. I too got totally swept up in an over the top super charged romantic relationship that moved along at lightening speed. The object of my desire was completely smitten by me and we both felt the same. And this guy turned out to be very emotionally disturbed and this ended up being the most emotionally abusive relationship I had ever experienced. I was truly damaged by it. I think he was personality disordered, possibly borderline personality. I mention him here from time to time because although he wasn't an MM and we weren't having an affair it is uncanny how much of him I see in many of the MM described here, which isn't surprising because many cheaters do have personality disorders.

 

Oh and years ago I watched a dear friend get swept off her feet into a similar whirlwind romance and this guy was downright evil . He used her and abused her so bad and when she finally broke it off with him for real he beat her and raped her. She had him arrested and charged, he got off and then he beat her and raped her again. A true nightmare and I remember when she first met him and she was so happy and she described it to me just like you describe it. Feeling connected and truly in love just in a matter of weeks. And it just so happens that people with personality disorders tend to have these kinds of lightening speed romantic connections.

 

That makes me wonder if he's just using me for what I will offer. I have offered quite a lot. It is very clear that I am lonely, and desperate. I'm sure of it.

 

So is there a way I can give him a chance to prove himself to me, or should I not even be considering giving him that chance? Because he has a history of less than faithful and honest behaviour?

 

I don't know what to do. I do love him (no matter my stupid motives and how irrational it is) and I am reluctant to leave him. He makes me feel very, very happy when we are together. I don't want to give that up.

 

Again this isn't love. You are equating love with how good he makes you feel. You are not describing any qualities or character traits about him that are loveable. You can't because you don't him well enough to do so. You don't know his true character, you just know that me makes you feel happy and you call that love.

 

I can see that I'm not emotionally healthy and I'm not sure I ever have been. I thought I had made progress...maybe not. I'm sure you're right about an old, unmet need, that's nothing to do with him but all in my own head.

I've had therapy before. Other than relinquishing any relationships with anyone, is there a way to get around this? I don't want to screw up my life or that of my children (again).

 

I think you should maybe you could benefit by being a little bit more open to the idea that your feelings have a lot more to do with you than they do with him.

 

I really don't want to leave him. I'm sorry, I know how that must sound. I just feel like I've been keeping my head above water in terms of being on my own, and it's getting too hard to bear.

 

Wow, people sure are posting and working hard here trying to get you to see the light. Sometimes it seems like you are taking it in but then you come back and post something that makes it seem like you aren't getting it at all. I have a feeling that you are going to go forward with this no matter what. Not surprising really as many of us have to learn things the hard way.

[alexandria35]

Thanks, I know you're not being rude.

 

Yes, I am very lonely. I've spent my life avoiding social contact with most people, in the way that most people do it - I don't go out to parties or pubs and I prefer to be alone. I think this is because I learned from an early age that I do things wrong, say things wrong and people don't tend to like me once they get close.

 

So yes, very lonely and I suppose meeting someone in my home, who took on board the way I live (very untidy) and my usual habits and mood and so on, I felt accepted in a way I usually am afraid to risk. There was no choice in him being here, I didn't commission the work, it was statutory.

 

I do the school run every day and I can chat to people and smile and look briefly Ok, a little bit confident, though it's all pretty fake.

 

I only feel confident-ish when I'm at home on my own. So it was fairly easy to take his being around and run with it...it felt like I wasn't alone any more. That was pretty powerful, to me. It was just an accident though for him.

 

maybe he just took advantage,

 

Thanks for being so nice and all but there are clearly more issues here than I can hope for anyone to resolve. It's me that is the problem...and maybe him, too. Back to basics.

 

It's probably way too good to be true. That's how it feels and so I guess it's not real.

I have to go as my son just threw up (sorry) but thanks again.

 

Ludmilla this was me too! I am introverted and don't open up to people easily. I also didn't think very highly of myself and didn't feel like I had much to offer. When this guy came into my life and accepted me so completely and when he seemed to actually adore the very things that I most hated about myself, well that made it so very easy for me to open the door to my heart and also completely accept him. Even when I started to notice that somethings were very wrong I still felt like I needed to embrace him fully, warts and all, because that is what he had done for me.

 

When someone seems to be so entirely accepting of your whole being it can create a very powerful bond but be wary of this okay. Healthy people have something called boundaries. Neither you nor he are respecting your own boundaries right now. Boundaries keep us safe and serve our emotional well being. And I don't want to keep harping on the personality disordered here but all I can say is that these people truly have a knack for breaking through other peoples boundaries really quickly. Healthy people repect the boundaries of other. Be careful and protect yourself

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/314372-our-relationship-special-he-will-leave-his-wife

 

Read this thread and try to see that your situation as of NOW is quite stoppable (spelling mistake?) if you want to end things and save yourself so much pain.

 

I know so many need to learn on their own, it's just a shame that not many try to learn from other peoples mistakes and warnings/advice given before the A goes into full on drive.

 

L, right now you ARE in place that the A is so new, you CAN walk away before it's too late.

[alexandria35]

I'll have a look at the threads you mention, and I'll think about what you're saying.

 

Yes, he could be making all of it up. God, I really hope not. It all rings true so far but then what would I know? I really don't know him very well, do I.

 

I see what you mean. He could be anyone. I have a few people who know him, vaguely, interestingly my son's father is in the same trade and remembers working with him many years ago...he said he liked to drink and was a bit of a 'geezer' (not sure if that translates into US slang!) but basically 'one of the lads', someone who could joke around with the other men working on a job. Probably rude jokes, that sort of thing.

 

Also he works for a close friend of my landlord, whom I am close to so if we are to start being publicly together, I guess I can ask my landlord to check out if he's actually who he says he is.

 

I think I believe a lot of it because like I said, he was telling me things well before any interest was expressed either way, and he's told me some things that aren't very good, as well, and he knew I didn't approve of them because I'd spoken about that sort of thing already with some disapproval. But he told me anyway. So that makes me think he's not trying to hide too much - he could tell me anything, I wouldn't know.

 

I really, really hope he is being genuine with me. But I WILL keep in mind that he may not be, and yes you're right, I will be devastated if he isn't who he says he is. So I will not fully trust him for a while.

 

Thankyou again for being so kind.

 

Okay just one more post and then I'll stop harping on you, I promise...lol.

 

The above bolded is also not unique and is a common manipulator tactic. By revealing some unpleasant things to you he makes himself appear open, honest and somewhat vulnerable which tugs at your heartstrings. I don't know this guy at all, I'm just saying be careful and keep your eyes wide open.

 

Have you ever been to the heartless bitches website. There is a ton of good reading over there and here is a worthwhile read for you You Think That You Are So Special... Heartless Bitches International

 

Its a bit long and not all of it will pertain to your situation but I suspect there will be plenty that you will relate to.

[Ludmila]

Hi,

 

I haven't been on this forum for a couple of days as I didn't want to keep reading things when I knew I couldn't offer anything more from here.

 

I couldn't say you were right or wrong, I couldn't give you anything but what I was feeling at the time and I didn't have anything definite to go on.

 

Anyway I didn't hear from him since Friday morning (it's Monday 2.30pm here) and I sent a text about something business-related on Friday at 3pm, thinking he'd be on the journey. He didn't call back. So I didn't send any more, or call. I figured if he wanted to talk to me he knew where I was.

 

He called this morning and I didn't hear as I had the ringer off. I called back. He said how was I, he'd expected to hear from me over the weekend (dumbass thing to say - he didn't call me either). That was #1.

Then he said he was 'about half way there'. I said what do you mean. He came out with the usual stuff - minor family development that he will be sad to miss out on. He couldn't be 'horrible' and drop a bombshell saying he's met someone else and is leaving.

He said they just agreed they will separate, for a while. I don't believe this. He didn't collect his things. I now don't believe he was ever going to not go home, at all, or that he intended to get his things.

 

I don't believe a word he says now, because I have heard this kind of BS before so many times.

He wanted to come over tonight, I said no. I got off the phone and I thought for a while, then I sent a text saying, 'I'm sorry. Your life, your heart belong in [place where his family lives], not here with me. Your family deserves to be happy. I can't try to take you away from them, I won't.

Be happy. I'll be Ok. Love Ludmila xx'

 

That was it, I've already detached gradually over the weekend, probably partly thanks to this place but I needed to see if he did the predictable thing or not, and he did, oh he so did. And I know exactly where I am now.

 

I don't even know if he was going to keep going home. Perhaps he is infatuated with me. I don't care, that's not the point.

 

So I've ended it. He tried to call and I didn't answer, and I won't, I owe him nothing, I'd rather he just f*ck off now.

 

So thankyou, and you were right, and I hope you dont think I'm as stupid as you did before...I kind of needed to process it. I do have a cut-off point beyond which I cannot accept someone ****ing around with my feelings. I don't need that sort of energy suck in my life.

 

Sorry for wanting more time, I hope you can see I was and am genuine.

Anyway...thought you would want to know.

 

Thanks again.

L.

[Ludmila]

Weirdly, I don't even feel sad. I think over the weekend I was thinking, this is it, if he can't do what he promised, I'll kNOW he is still attached to her, to that place and all it contains.

 

And that will be that. So I was already kind of prepped. And I don't feel like I have lost anything. Nothing real, anyway.

 

I'm just a bit scared now that he might turn up on my doorstep. I won't want to let him in. What do I do?

[MissBee]

Weirdly, I don't even feel sad. I think over the weekend I was thinking, this is it, if he can't do what he promised, I'll kNOW he is still attached to her, to that place and all it contains.

 

And that will be that. So I was already kind of prepped. And I don't feel like I have lost anything. Nothing real, anyway.

 

I'm just a bit scared now that he might turn up on my doorstep. I won't want to let him in. What do I do?

 

Hey Ludmila,

 

You're the only one who is saying you're stupid, nobody else said or thinks that. You're clearly an intelligent person, who is human like the rest of us and can get caught up in emotions that fog up our rational thinking.

 

I'm REALLY proud of you for ending it with him and standing up for yourself!

 

I wanted to comment on not feeling anything....sometimes we have a delayed reaction to this stuff. Sometimes we are in the high of finally standing up for ourselves, then when it wears off we start to feel bad, sometimes we start feeling like we wish we hadn't ended things, start hoping the person will contact us etc. So be prepared in case you do have those delayed emotions. One thing is, they are just emotions that come and go, and when you stick to leaving him alone and let the emotions pass....they do just that....pass. Good luck!

[Mme. Chaucer]

But is he still going to be working in your flat every day?

[Ludmila]

Thanks, MissBee, that means a lot.

 

Mme, no he isn't. He finished working here about 2 weeks ago now. So we haven't seen each other much, just when he came round after work a few evenings when the kids were here.

 

We last had sex 3 weeks ago.

 

His company might get the contract for the outside of the building but that won't be for a few months as it's too cold right now and paint won't dry in near-freezing conditions or rain. They could send other men, instead of him, if he can manage not to get this job.

 

He's called me this afternoon and left a message I didn't, couldn't listen to as I am scared of him being angry, or trying to argue it with me. Why won't he just leave me alone? Then a text saying 'no reply, well..' or something, I think he meant I hadn't answered. I called back and he didn't answer.

 

He'll go and get drunk tonight. I sent a couple more texts explaining that however much I feel for him, if he belongs to someone else it's no use, and that I am terrified of being hurt so he has to get himself sorted before he comes asking to be with me.

 

I am just scared now, I can't handle him being angry or shouting at me. He's like he thinks I owe him something.

[MissBee]

Thanks, MissBee, that means a lot.

 

Mme, no he isn't. He finished working here about 2 weeks ago now. So we haven't seen each other much, just when he came round after work a few evenings when the kids were here.

 

We last had sex 3 weeks ago.

 

His company might get the contract for the outside of the building but that won't be for a few months as it's too cold right now and paint won't dry in near-freezing conditions or rain. They could send other men, instead of him, if he can manage not to get this job.

 

He's called me this afternoon and left a message I didn't, couldn't listen to as I am scared of him being angry, or trying to argue it with me. Why won't he just leave me alone? Then a text saying 'no reply, well..' or something, I think he meant I hadn't answered. I called back and he didn't answer.

 

He'll go and get drunk tonight. I sent a couple more texts explaining that however much I feel for him, if he belongs to someone else it's no use, and that I am terrified of being hurt so he has to get himself sorted before he comes asking to be with me.

I am just scared now, I can't handle him being angry or shouting at me. He's like he thinks I owe him something.

 

How can he shout at you if you don't give him access to you?

 

And someone who would do that is NOT a great man...so that should make YOU angry. Who cares if he is angry??! He's an angry, drunk on top of it all smh....how attractive? It's not. That should snap you right out of your romantic fantasies and make you hell-bent on avoiding him.

 

You care too much about what people think Ludmmila....I see it on LS, your constant apologies and projecting that we think you're stupid, and now being scared of this man shouting and yelling at you and being angry that you want no part of the affair....I do think you need to develop a thick skin and a deep self love where you won't care about silly things like that or allow others to make you feel badly for illegitimate reasons. But I know you know this and hopefully your therapists gives you actual tools to build your self esteem up where you don't need to apologize for existing basically and having standards.

 

Ignore all his messages, block him if you have to and he won't be able to shout at you and if he does, so what? Shout right back at him and tell him to EFF OFF!

Edited February 20, 2012 by MissBee

[Ludmila]

Thankyou,

 

I think it's because the last person I was with in a similar situation was a right horrible B*stard when I left him. I get very jumpy about things since then. And before...I seem to have had a lot of nasty break ups. Not to mention dodgy relationships with dodgy people in the first place. That's why I expect it to happen iyswim.

 

He just called and I answered it just to get it out the way. He was almost shouting over me trying to tell me how harsh I was being and how he couldn't just walk away from them. I told him I didn't want him to, and I was just scared of being hurt again and I can't be with him if he isn't free.

 

He said he needs to come and talk to me properly, that he really does want to be with me, he's really separated from her, he isn't going back for the foreseeable future and he wants to keep seeing me. I said I can't.

He said he's coming round tomorrow when the children aren;t here.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't handle all this. It does sound like they have agreed to separate - he said she wants to go out and find some happiness for herself and he told her to go for it. The wider family became involved and he told them he was thinking of leaving.

 

I don't know, maybe now he feels I owe him something, if he's taken it this far. He insisted their relationship is all but over.

 

I don't get why he won't LET ME GO. Even if he takes a few months to get himself free, why does he need me to be here in between.

 

Stupid shouty man.

[MissBee]

Thankyou,

 

I think it's because the last person I was with in a similar situation was a right horrible B*stard when I left him. I get very jumpy about things since then. And before...I seem to have had a lot of nasty break ups. Not to mention dodgy relationships with dodgy people in the first place. That's why I expect it to happen iyswim.

 

He just called and I answered it just to get it out the way. He was almost shouting over me trying to tell me how harsh I was being and how he couldn't just walk away from them. I told him I didn't want him to, and I was just scared of being hurt again and I can't be with him if he isn't free.

 

He said he needs to come and talk to me properly, that he really does want to be with me, he's really separated from her, he isn't going back for the foreseeable future and he wants to keep seeing me. I said I can't.

He said he's coming round tomorrow when the children aren;t here.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't handle all this. It does sound like they have agreed to separate - he said she wants to go out and find some happiness for herself and he told her to go for it. The wider family became involved and he told them he was thinking of leaving.

 

I don't know, maybe now he feels I owe him something, if he's taken it this far. He insisted their relationship is all but over.

 

I don't get why he won't LET ME GO. Even if he takes a few months to get himself free, why does he need me to be here in between.

 

Stupid shouty man.

 

Ludmila,

 

If YOU let him go...that is all that matters.

 

Honestly, whether or not he leaves her is not the point, do you REALLY think he is that great of a catch and is not like your other dodgy relationships, even if he should leave? Let me jump ahead of you and say...nope, he is just like the rest! And until you get yourself together, you will only attract these types of men who latch on to your current state of being.

 

Who give a flying fig what he is doing....he is still not a great man and someone who seems to already be abusing you and you've only known him for this long. RUN AWAY! Don't let him manipulate you. I'm gonna be honest, I don't think you are good at exercising your judgment and strength and I think for that reason it is impossible for you to talk to this man without getting sucked in and start second guessing. DON'T ALLOW IT! Don't speak to him...don't believe him....he is a stupid shouty man as you said...why would you want him, even if he left???? Please Ludmila, ignore him and let him be stupid and shouty by himself. He is not going to leave you alone because he knows you are weak to him and if he pushes and shouts he will scare you back into it....that is NOT a good relationship or man and you know it.

 

 

Say what you mean and mean what you say! Stop re-explaining what you already explained and stop picking up his calls. Each time you do he gets his claws deeper into you....that's the goal. Don't answer him and focus on your kids and other stuff in your life. Frankly, this is quite crazy for a 4 week fling. NO ONE whom you barely know should have that much control over you and your feelings...NO ONE.

[Ludmila]

I feel like he is bullying me into staying with him while he takes his time.

 

I don't WANT him to dump his entire family, especially not callously. I just don't want him to dump people who love him. He insists they are not happy and he is doing it because of that and because he loves me, so he can't stay with her anyway. He's just trying to do it slowly so it's more of a mutual separation than a bombshell.

 

He was also annoyed that I had told another man I am seeing someone. I did this to avoid the other man trying it on with me, which he often does (another crap situation I know). I had to explain this, and that I'm not interested in the other man.

 

So he's censoring my contact with other men but he can do what he bloody well likes? I don't think that's going to work out. I'm afraid he's collecting a long list of poor qualities:

 

dishonesty

infidelity

bullying

shouting

being jealous

controlling who I'm close to

trying to get me to mislead my parents

 

(I did tell my mother the truth, by the way, about all of it. She listens and worries, and doesn't approve, but God bless her she does listen).(and I feel terrible for telling her these things as they upset her).

 

So tomorrow. If he comes round, I'll talk to him and be honest about what I can and can't do. If he gets angry I'll ask him to leave, and if he agrees to leave me alone until he has sorted out his relationships, I'll tell him to call me when he is free.

 

Why can't he wait another month or so if he wants me that badly. Chances are he is so insecure he can't leave someone without having me to fall back on, isn't it? Why do men do that? And what happens once they have left that person...do they blame everything on you?

 

[Ludmila]

I'm sorry, I crossed posts with you. Just chatting away to myself

 

It does feel crazy when he's only known me a month FGS.

 

Why does he care that much that he can't let me go for a few weeks. That's worrying me.

 

I think I'm answering his calls because I feel the pressure to actually discuss it if I'm walking away from him. Like he feels the pressure to do that with his current set-up.

 

I am scared by the shouting, and his not letting me go. How much worse it might be if I stayed with him.

Already I've had a very upset phone call with the kids in the house.

I didn't intend to do that.

 

I'm going to go and care for the kids now but thankyou for your replies MissBee, I appreciate them deeply, I'll check back in later tonight or tomorrow.

 

L x

[MissBee]

I feel like he is bullying me into staying with him while he takes his time.

 

I don't WANT him to dump his entire family, especially not callously. I just don't want him to dump people who love him. He insists they are not happy and he is doing it because of that and because he loves me, so he can't stay with her anyway. He's just trying to do it slowly so it's more of a mutual separation than a bombshell.

 

He was also annoyed that I had told another man I am seeing someone. I did this to avoid the other man trying it on with me, which he often does (another crap situation I know). I had to explain this, and that I'm not interested in the other man.

So he's censoring my contact with other men but he can do what he bloody well likes? I don't think that's going to work out. I'm afraid he's collecting a long list of poor qualities:

 

dishonesty

infidelity

bullying

shouting

being jealous

controlling who I'm close to

trying to get me to mislead my parents

 

(I did tell my mother the truth, by the way, about all of it. She listens and worries, and doesn't approve, but God bless her she does listen).(and I feel terrible for telling her these things as they upset her).

 

So tomorrow. If he comes round, I'll talk to him and be honest about what I can and can't do. If he gets angry I'll ask him to leave, and if he agrees to leave me alone until he has sorted out his relationships, I'll tell him to call me when he is free.

Why can't he wait another month or so if he wants me that badly. Chances are he is so insecure he can't leave someone without having me to fall back on, isn't it? Why do men do that? And what happens once they have left that person...do they blame everything on you?

 

 

I think you are missing the point....

 

Don't you see that REGARDLESS of if he leaves his wife he is STILL not a good guy?????

 

You just named out all his bad qualities, right there! Yet you're talking about giving him a chance???? A chance for what? I'm sorry, but if you give him a chance, chances are you will end up regretting it. Whether or not he leaves his wife, how can someone bullying, censoring you and controlling who you're close to seem like a good idea for a partner??!!!!

 

What do you want in a partner? What is a GOOD man in your opinion? If you had a daughter, what kind of man would you want her to date? What kind of man do you want in your kids' life?

 

Ludmila...please wake up, as this makes no sense. An abusive married guy, when single is now an abusive single guy. The problem is not only his marriage but all his other bad behavior. How can you date someone you're scared of? Anyway, I do understand you have grown accustomed to this because of your past....you gravitate towards dodgy men and all the while you discuss their dodginess you feel unable to choose differently or want better for yourself....it is very sad for me to witness, but I don't think I can tlak you out of it. Please discuss all you've discussed here about this man to your therapist....perhaps he/she can help you to have the appropriate response to this, which is to RUN AWAY! Right now it seems you have an inappropriate response, which is to run towards sketchy men and situations. I do really hope you eventually sing a different tune.

Edited February 20, 2012 by MissBee

[Mme. Chaucer]

Aaargh. And, facepalm.

[Ludmila]

No, really I do see it, how he will be bad for me whatever he does, but my point is,. if I tell him to call me when he is free, I don't think he ever will.

 

I suppose it's an exit strategy for want of a better one.

 

I don't want to be with a man I'm scared of. I'm trying to assess the appropriateness of my response, my fear as I have felt like this about almost every guy I have dated in the last ten years - scared of not being 'allowed' to end it.

 

There is a small chance that his behaviour isn't out of line...and I'm overreacting with my usual fear which my therapist last year described as similar to PTSD but we couldn't work out what from. (I don't see her any more - our time ran out - I don't currently have one, I wish I did).

 

That said I don't think there is much chance it's all my overreaction. For a start he's clearly a liar and he's Ok with that. I'm not. He's being a bully and I will tell him to stop that immediately tomorrow as it's the fastest way to turn me right off the idea of him...and I mean, that's not really relevant as I've already been turned off him, but I will tell him to stop just in case he listens and stops, and it means he treats me better even while we're ending it. (probably not)

 

I'm still assessing but at this point I already have at least one foot out the door. honestly I do. I wish it could end amicably but I'm afraid it won't. I want to try and get that result.

 

I know there is a chance someone this intense could turn nasty, so I will be prepared. As prepared as I can be anyway.

He seems to have a sense of ownership over me already which is weird, considering I'm not allowed any such thing.

 

Thankyou for all your help. I'll let you know what happens if I can face typing it.

Edited February 20, 2012 by Ludmila
explanatory