We've only just met, what do I do?

[MissBee]

No, really I do see it, how he will be bad for me whatever he does, but my point is,. if I tell him to call me when he is free, I don't think he ever will.

 

I suppose it's an exit strategy for want of a better one.

 

I don't want to be with a man I'm scared of. I'm trying to assess the appropriateness of my response, my fear as I have felt like this about almost every guy I have dated in the last ten years - scared of not being 'allowed' to end it.

 

There is a small chance that his behaviour isn't out of line...and I'm overreacting with my usual fear which my therapist last year described as similar to PTSD but we couldn't work out what from. (I don't see her any more - our time ran out - I don't currently have one, I wish I did).

 

That said I don't think there is much chance it's all my overreaction. For a start he's clearly a liar and he's Ok with that. I'm not. He's being a bully and I will tell him to stop that immediately tomorrow as it's the fastest way to turn me right off the idea of him...and I mean, that's not really relevant as I've already been turned off him, but I will tell him to stop just in case he listens and stops, and it means he treats me better even while we're ending it. (probably not)

 

I'm still assessing but at this point I already have at least one foot out the door. honestly I do. I wish it could end amicably but I'm afraid it won't. I want to try and get that result.

 

I know there is a chance someone this intense could turn nasty, so I will be prepared. As prepared as I can be anyway.

He seems to have a sense of ownership over me already which is weird, considering I'm not allowed any such thing.

 

Thankyou for all your help. I'll let you know what happens if I can face typing it.

 

Everyone here sees his behavior is ridiculous....it's not just you.

 

But the problem is that at this point you don't know how to trust yourself...the lines are blurred between what is acceptable and unacceptable and you have a hard time making choices without second guessing or you can talk yourself into overlooking red flags....

 

You don't need to meet with him or hope he treats you better...you need to do what you're doing FOR YOURSELF...he doesn't need to have an input. You don't need to ask him if it is okay to not talk to him or okay to move on with your life. Yet you're the one giving him the ownership over you, whether you know it or not. If a man were doing this to me I would promptly tell him to eff off and I'd not call, answer or meet up. yet you say one thing and do another...and he KNOWS he can talk you into anything. If you were serious you'd just do it...not talk about it...not make it up for discussion. There is NOTHING to discuss as far as I see. But again, your mentality is such that you give external people more power than they deserve and confer to them and worry about them and their choices and allow them to dominate you.

 

I can only implore you to realize you don't need to talk to him and you can easily ignore him for all eternity. He can call, text, email etc and you can choose to ignore him. But the choice is up to you...

[Ludmila]

Yes...yes I could do that.

 

Why do I not want to - yet? I did earlier today, before he spoke with me properly and tried so vehemently to persuade me otherwise.

 

I could have walked away, I think, if he had.

 

I guess I feel a bit like maybe he does know better than me. I know in many ways he doesn't and I've been telling him my opinions all along and getting him to accept certain things he never considered before.

 

Yet he is still pressuring me in ways I do not like.

 

It feels like this, like my father*, or someone else I'm supposed to trust, who claims to LOVE me (and therefore want what is best for me) is talking to me on the phone and saying 'Now, listen. Listen to me. I know you are scared. I know what you're thinking, I've told you what I'm doing, what I've done so far and tried to explain why. You're interpreting it as though I'm someone else who DOESN'T love you and is trying to break your heart, just to keep having sex with you. I'm NOT LIKE THAT. And I'm coming over tomorrow to talk it over with you and explain properly, because I love you and I can't let you think that about me.'

 

This is pretty much what he said to me, word for word.

He also said repeatedly that he didn't care what I think of him. He doesn't care what I think he's up to, or any of that, he's doing this anyway, because he wants to be with me, he's fallen in love with me, he's saying it because it's true and he can't just let me walk away because I think he's going to let me down.

He said he will do it anyway, whether I think he means to or not.

 

 

So either he is VERY good at bullying tactics or he is genuinely trying to do what he should and he feels really powerless when I just assume he's a time wasting player like the others were, and he can't just let me think that, he needs to explain, he needs me to believe him.

 

He sounded really serious and really desperate.

This is why it makes me want to hear him out because frankly, I can relate to it in some way...the frustration that someone thinks you're not being honest, you'e saying you love them when you're only messing them around, etc etc.

 

Like the other day when someone said I was making up stories...I could have walked off and left it, but I wanted to stand up for myself and prove I was honest.

A bit like that.

I feel he is struggling to make me convinced he cares for me.

 

It's either that or he's a complete w*nker who is as cynical and clever as anyone I have ever met.

 

I don't know.

 

*ETA: clearly if it was my father phoning me, the conversation wouldn't pertain to sex in any way, shape or form...but you get the drift.

Edited February 20, 2012 by Ludmila
clarification

[MissBee]

Yes...yes I could do that.

 

Why do I not want to - yet? I did earlier today, before he spoke with me properly and tried so vehemently to persuade me otherwise.

 

I could have walked away, I think, if he had.

 

I guess I feel a bit like maybe he does know better than me. I know in many ways he doesn't and I've been telling him my opinions all along and getting him to accept certain things he never considered before.

 

Yet he is still pressuring me in ways I do not like.

 

It feels like this, like my father, or someone else I'm supposed to trust, who claims to LOVE me (and therefore want what is best for me) is talking to me on the phone and saying 'Now, listen. Listen to me. I know you are scared. I know what you're thinking, I've told you what I'm doing, what I've done so far and tried to explain why. You're interpreting it as though I'm someone else who DOESN'T love you and is trying to break your heart, just to keep having sex with you. I'm NOT LIKE THAT. And I'm coming over tomorrow to talk it over with you and explain properly, because I love you and I can't let you think that about me.'

 

This is pretty much what he said to me, word for word.

He also said repeatedly that he didn't care what I think of him. He doesn't care what I think he's up to, or any of that, he's doing this anyway, because he wants to be with me, he's fallen in love with me, he's saying it because it's true and he can't just let me walk away because I think he's going to let me down.

He said he will do it anyway, whether I think he means to or not.

 

 

So either he is VERY good at bullying tactics or he is genuinely trying to do what he should and he feels really powerless when I just assume he's a time wasting player like the others were, and he can't just let me think that, he needs to explain, he needs me to believe him.

 

He sounded really serious and really desperate.

This is why it makes me want to hear him out because frankly, I can relate to it in some way...the frustration that someone thinks you're not being honest, you'e saying you love them when you're only messing them around, etc etc.

 

Like the other day when someone said I was making up stories...I could have walked off and left it, but I wanted to stand up for myself and prove I was honest.

A bit like that.

I feel he is struggling to make me convinced he cares for me.

 

It's either that or he's a complete w*nker who is as cynical and clever as anyone I have ever met.

 

I don't know.

 

 

That's the problem Ludmila....you don't know. You're being manipulated and you don't know heads from tails and your state of mind is such that you are so impressionable and easily baited to feel badly for someone. People who have been abused often experience this over willingness to trust others while they don't assert themselves and can be emotionally manipulated and bullied into all manner of blatantly obvious things...but even if he pulled a gun on you...I'm afraid you'd somehow find a way to make it okay; if he pulled it while saying you didn't understand he loved you, you'd accept this as somehow okay. You'd perhaps say it was bad but then immediately make up some excuse about him knowing better or just being desperate etc...just like you are doing now:(

 

 

It's so true they say that we choose relationships that show our issues or re-enact the past sometimes....you're responding to this man, who could indeed by your father, like an authority figure. That is not a romantic relationship....you are acting like a little girl and not a grown woman! Saying he is like your father and knows better...how can he know better? You are a grown woman with your own kids! YOU need to know best for you....this stranger essentially, who has known you for one month, knows NOTHING! Yet you don't have a handle on your own self so you can allow some old drunk you've known for 30 days to dictate your life.

 

I think the issues you are facing are deeper than LS can help you with, as from all you've said there are some deep underlying issues why you respond to him in this way and none of us can merely talk you in or out of anything as your learned responses are far more powerful and your toxic pull to this man is way stronger...

 

I really am saddened by your thread and really do hope that you continue to share with people in your life like your mom and so on who care about you and your therapist....maybe these people will help you on the journey to recovering self so that you are not led and swayed by dodgy men.

[Ludmila]

Yes...you're probably right, it's too messed up for a forum, however much it's filled with clever, experienced people like you guys.

 

I need to seek help in real life I think.

 

Well at least he hasn't pulled a gun on me yet.

 

So sorry to frustrate you all. I have been on the other side of that, and I know it's horrid, it wasn't my intention.

 

I will truly work hard on this and try to find the right path.

 

Thankyou again...I will carry your words with me, in any case, till I figure out my own decision. Your compassion alone has helped me more than you probably think.

[whichwayisup]

It feels like this, like my father*, or someone else I'm supposed to trust, who claims to LOVE me (and therefore want what is best for me) is talking to me on the phone and saying 'Now, listen. Listen to me. I know you are scared. I know what you're thinking, I've told you what I'm doing, what I've done so far and tried to explain why. You're interpreting it as though I'm someone else who DOESN'T love you and is trying to break your heart, just to keep having sex with you. I'm NOT LIKE THAT. And I'm coming over tomorrow to talk it over with you and explain properly, because I love you and I can't let you think that about me.'

 

And your response should be, "You can talk to me if and when you end your long term relationship and you've been on your own for a while. Maybe we can date if I want to date and do this the right way. Until then, please respect MY WISHES and leave me alone. Don't force or pressure me into anything, it's easier for ME to go on with MY life if you leave me alone."

 

He is manipulating you. not malciously but selfishly.

[whichwayisup]

Let time and distance between you two sink in so the longer NC is in place, the easier it'll be to not let him back into your life.

 

You're dealing with someone that you DO NOT KNOW at all, your fear and gut is screaming at you, so I'm so glad you're listening to it and to everybody on here.