Concerning Intimacy

[Chameleon]

So, I'm 26. A few years ago I was having a pretty sinister bout with depression. That's changed considerably now, I'm getting lots of exercise, eating well, have a good job and a lot of friends. I've made considerable effort to stay well groomed, I have my own apartment that's neatly furnished, and I've taken up a few hobbies including dance. Also, I'm very afraid to get close to people.

 

I'm pretty flirtatious and outgoing with everyone, gender regardless. But that's a new trick for me. I was home schooled, I didn't go to high school or college. I was very shy, naively romantic, and hyper sensitive. I've had 3 long term relationships (2-3 years), and had my trust jarred in each. Since then, I've been alone for 5 years. Only just recently have I become comfortable in a social setting, and I'm coming to better terms with the reality of relationships for better and worse.

 

Now here's my dilemma: I'd love to have some company, and get to know people in closer detail, but I don't really know what I'm interested in long term anymore. Since conventional dating is so alien to me, I'm not used to the expectation that as the guy I push things forward with conviction. My romanticism is rather curbed, I've been hurt badly before, seen others hurt, and I don't want to hurt anyone else out of negligence. But nobody is perfect, and after 5 years and a lot of self work I wonder if I'm setting the bar too high.

 

If I meet someone I'm attracted to, who seems interested in me, how do I make that clear without being apprehensive, dishonest, or too intense? Or put another way, I'm a late bloomer. How do I rectify learning to make mistakes comfortably with empathy? I'd rather be alone than be an inconsiderate jerk, but I'll be the first to admit that I've become the stereotypical emotionally unavailable guy now. Does that mean I shouldn't even try to be close to anyone?

 

If anyone else has stories about fearing intimacy, I'd be eager to hear them. Or how they were able to overcome those concerns. People have told me I think too much, or that I should just relax and have fun. Good advice, but the stakes seem a lot higher when emotions are on the line.