MM in peace

[isitevereasy]

Hey, I could do with some advice... I've been lurking on here for a while and thought this was the best place.

 

I'm an MM but in an open relationship. We're apart a lot and agreed that sex can sometimes just be sex but that if anything ever got more serious, we'd talk about. In six years of being together, I've had a few drunken fumbles but never slept with anyone.

 

Recently I was in a town I used to live and met up with a woman I'd had a brief thing with years ago. We had a drink, fell into bed together and it was great and all within the bounds of the agreement with my wife. Within a few weeks, I was in the same place and the same thing happened. At this point we agreed it was getting a bit complicated and we should walk away before anyone got hurt.

 

This wasn't easy but I knew it was the right thing to do. She herself had just come out of her own LTR which ended after her partner cheated on her and she'd admitted she'd been hurt more than I'd thought when we'd originally parted. My own marriage isn't great and hasn't been for a while but I know I need to solve that before embarking on anything else.

 

Problem was, I missed her terribly and couldn't stop thinking about her for whatever reason. I resisted the urge to contact her but then she texted me. Straight away the flirtation resumed. This has gone on for a while and we've agree to meet again when I'm next in town (soon).

 

I know I need to end it but don't want to hurt her but if I end it, I'll hurt her. Supposing I can look her in the eye and explain this and then resist the prospect of one more night at her place, how do I make it stick? Do I just ignore her if she contacts me again? Any advice generally?

 

Thanks for reading this far (if you made it).

Edited February 15, 2012 by isitevereasy

[MissBee]

Hi isitevereasy,

 

I think you should try to address your marriage. It is common to discuss one's bad marriage in contrast to an OW/OM...which is interesting and makes sense; yet, an OW/OM does nothing to change your marriage. If she did not exist, how would you feel about your marriage is the question? Are you TRULY dissatisfied with your marriage and have you been, or is this a "brain-trick" to convince yourself that romantic relations with another woman is okay? Are your marriage problems fixable or irreconcilable (as all relationships will have issues, so it just depends what issues are fixable and which are absolutely not)? I think some people's marriages were bad before an A and some, upon the A, talk themselves into finding faults with their marriage so they feel justified in the A. It's important you give yourself, your wife and this woman the space so you can figure that out. It is suspicious to want to all of a sudden end a marriage or realize its problems when some new person you barely know comes along....it's almost like when people are happy with their own lives until they start comparing themselves to the Jones' and then nothing is good enough and they talk themselves into dissatisfaction and the grass-is-greener syndrome.The problem is, the grass may not be greener and just as you talked yourself out of your marriage...so too can you one day talk yourself out of this OW when she gets stale and another woman comes along who is fresh and new.

 

Do you care more about the OW's feelings than you do your wife's? You seem to be asking what to do so as not to hurt the OW but haven't really touched on what to do so as not to hurt your wife? You admit you guys would discuss if your outside relations became more than sexual....so now you need to honor that agreement with your wife and take it up with her, get it all out in the open. Don't you think she deserves that?

 

It makes no sense to stop seeing the OW but yet still not work on your marriage; likewise, it makes no sense to continue seeing her while still married and not work on your marriage or see her secretly while allegedly trying to work on your marriage. You have to make a choice to either work on your marriage and stop seeing her, or end your marriage and see her fully, or renegotiate your relationship with your wife where she is okay with you having a gf whom she knows you have feelings for and she agrees it is fine. The wise thing IMO is to tell the OW the truth i.e., you need to figure out where your marriage is heading and you don't want to possibly suck her into something hurtful, so you need some time to truly figure things out. She may be hurt for a while, but she will get over it, as it is early in the game, versus if you lead her on for months and months or years and years, making not only her life harder, but yours and your wife's. At the end of the day, she won't be able to call you a liar and say you had no integrity. You owe the same to your wife....to not lead her on for months and months or years and years by having an A behind her back, after you specifically agreed you'd discuss things. Yes, after telling the OW this, she should grant you your wishes for No Contact until you have stuff figured out. If she does contact you, then you can request again, politely that she not do so, not because you're trying to be hurtful but because you need that space. If she persists....then you should ignore her, and she quite frankly isn't respecting you if you ask her to stop and she continues.

Edited February 15, 2012 by MissBee

[jwi71]

I'm an MM but in an open relationship. We're apart a lot and agreed that sex can sometimes just be sex but that if anything ever got more serious, we'd talk about. In six years of being together, I've had a few drunken fumbles but never slept with anyone.

 

Then you are, despite being in an open M, cheating on your W. You may not have thought that possible yet here you are - cheating. And the cheating has nothing to do with the sex - rather it is the violation of one of the foundations of your open M that you violate - and hence cheat on her.

You need to do what YOU agreed to with your W...and discuss this openly and honestly with her: That you have a lover to whom you are growing attached.

 

 

My own marriage isn't great and hasn't been for a while but I know I need to solve that before embarking on anything else.

 

And with this you are unavailable to this particular lover - its not fair for you to subject HER to this - and by "this" I mean putting her in a position of helping you through the end(?) of your M.

 

An open M REQUIRES a granite strong M to begin with - and even better openness, honesty and communication. Its not sounding like yours has any of that. I get the impression that this open M of yours is really just a distraction against facing the hard way - namely fixing or ending your M. So you you put it on the back burner and have an open M. Really, not solving anything.

 

Supposing I can look her in the eye and explain this and then resist the prospect of one more night at her place, how do I make it stick?

 

Seriously? You make it stick by being a freakin' adult. What are you, twelve with no grasp or control over your wants and impulses? You make it stick by simply doing it - its not magic. You control you, no one else does.

 

Do I just ignore her if she contacts me again?

 

Sounds great. Or actively block her from calling, emailing or texting you and preventing any contact to begin with.

 

Better, sit down with your W and TOGETHER come up with a plan for dealing with her (should it come to that).

 

Any advice generally?

 

Fix your M or get out.

I'd start by sitting down with the W and talking about your M, how its fulfilling (and how its not) and how to go about recapturing the magic felt when you first got married. Then shut up and let her do the same.

 

I'd think twice about keeping the M open though - like I said, that requires a strong-as-hell-M, openness, honesty and communication I don't think your M has now. And you each find yourselves growing attached to an outside lover and the emotional upheaval you experience now.

[Emme]

I know I need to end it but don't want to hurt her but if I end it, I'll hurt her. Supposing I can look her in the eye and explain this and then resist the prospect of one more night at her place, how do I make it stick? Do I just ignore her if she contacts me again? Any advice generally?

 

 

One thing couples do that destroy their marriage is to leave it open. I think you have to be a strong willed individual to do something like that because it's not for everyone. That said... You were not ready. You made fumbles... that means that type of relation with someone is not who you are. Now the distance between you and your wife doesn't help. What other issues you might have needed to discuss with your wife before, they got worse. This new women is filling in all the void.

 

What you have to do is decide if you are truly in love or in like with this woman. Sex is sex. But the OW is offering you companionship that your wife is not able to. You say you want to make a go at your marriage, that attomatically trumpts this womans emotions. You are concerned with making a clean break and not concerned with hurting her... you should be concerned with hurting your wife.

 

Tell the OW in a respectful manner that you do care for her but it has to end. You love your wife. There is one thing you should not do... Don't say you will have sex with her one last time. DON'T DO IT! It's a lie. It actually means you will have sex with her 3-8 more times. You have to be strong and walk away.

 

As far as the issues in your marriage work on them to see if you are truly in love anymore. Right now you are an absentee partner. You won't know for sure unless you give it 100%. Also please get into having phone sex with your wife. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

[isitevereasy]

Thanks for your replies. I know I need to end it and speak to my

wife. It isn't the easiest thing in the world but I'll get it done.

[Gentlegirl2]

Please for the sake of the OW, do the decent thing and walk away from her.

 

In the short term, she won't thank you but you will be doing the best thing you could possibly do for her. You say you don't want to hurt her, than don't pursue her any further.

 

I was the OW for 3 years and when he walked, it was devestating. It has caused me much pain and perhaps long term damage as far as entering into another relationship.

 

YOur situation is more complex, with an open marriage than I can possibly imagine.

Is that really what you both want? Perhaps your marriage and whether you stay in it should be your focus.

 

It will be kinder not to involve a third person until you are crystal clear in your mind and with you wife what you want and what you are doing. Selfish pursuit of pleasure at another's expense can cause monumental damage.

 

Just saying...

GG

[spice4life]

Thanks for your replies. I know I need to end it and speak to my

wife. It isn't the easiest thing in the world but I'll get it done.

 

Yeah, don't screw with this other woman's head. Do the right thing and clean up your own backyard before you bring someone else into the mix. It's not fair to them and it's very selfish on your part. Not trying to be harsh, it's just a reality.

 

If you are fine with your open marriage, there are plenty of online places where you can find someone else who is seeking the same. You won't end up hurting someone else who is not of the same mind set. Accept responsibility for your circumstances and treat others with the same respect you expect for yourself. It's only fair.

 

Plus, if you continue with this situation, you will have to manipulate this poor woman to keep her engaged in the situation. Over time, that kind of behavior will become engrained in you and it will take a lot of effort on your part to undo it. That is, if you decide you want to have a healthy happy relationship one day.

 

Deal honestly with your marriage and if you choose to end it, give yourself time to heal before dating again. Meaning, give yourself time to get rid of self defeating behaviors that landed you in a dysfunctional relationship t begin with. If you choose to stay, go find like minded people to have your fun with.

 

Good luck.

[frozensprouts]

Hey, I could do with some advice... I've been lurking on here for a while and thought this was the best place.

 

I'm an MM but in an open relationship. We're apart a lot and agreed that sex can sometimes just be sex but that if anything ever got more serious, we'd talk about. In six years of being together, I've had a few drunken fumbles but never slept with anyone.

 

Recently I was in a town I used to live and met up with a woman I'd had a brief thing with years ago. We had a drink, fell into bed together and it was great and all within the bounds of the agreement with my wife. Within a few weeks, I was in the same place and the same thing happened. At this point we agreed it was getting a bit complicated and we should walk away before anyone got hurt.

 

This wasn't easy but I knew it was the right thing to do. She herself had just come out of her own LTR which ended after her partner cheated on her and she'd admitted she'd been hurt more than I'd thought when we'd originally parted. My own marriage isn't great and hasn't been for a while but I know I need to solve that before embarking on anything else.

 

Problem was, I missed her terribly and couldn't stop thinking about her for whatever reason. I resisted the urge to contact her but then she texted me. Straight away the flirtation resumed. This has gone on for a while and we've agree to meet again when I'm next in town (soon).

 

I know I need to end it but don't want to hurt her but if I end it, I'll hurt her. Supposing I can look her in the eye and explain this and then resist the prospect of one more night at her place, how do I make it stick? Do I just ignore her if she contacts me again? Any advice generally?

 

Thanks for reading this far (if you made it).

 

sigh...

why do some people seem to find it so hard to practice some self control? If you don't want to see her anymore, then you don't see her anymore.

 

As for her being hurt...don't you think you'll hurt her a whole lot more by stringing her along and keeping her in a relationship that really has no future? If you care for her, leave her alone and let her find someone who can be there for her full time.

 

You can do this if you want to badly enough.

[freestyle]

OP

 

The plant you water is the one that thrives.

[MissBee]

OP

 

The plant you water is the one that thrives.

 

This is very true!

[KathyM]

It's not healthy for a marriage to have an open sexual relationship with others. It takes away from the closeness and intimacy in a marriage when you are sharing that personal intimate aspect of yourself with others. If you dabble in that, you will eventually develop feelings for other people which will interfere with your marriage as well. You can't be on the fence about this, which you seem to be. You can't stick your foot in the pond while simultaneously thinking you don't want to get your feet wet. Physical intimacy often leads to emotional intimacy, and both of those things being given to others outside of your marriage will damage your primary relationship. If you want your marriage to be healthy, you need to give up this notion about open marriages. If you are not willing to be monogamous, then divorce. Anything in between only creates trouble for the parties involved, and hurt feelings. I really don't see the point in even being married if you want to have sex with others.

[freestyle]

It's not healthy for a marriage to have an open sexual relationship with others. It takes away from the closeness and intimacy in a marriage when you are sharing that personal intimate aspect of yourself with others. If you dabble in that, you will eventually develop feelings for other people which will interfere with your marriage as well. You can't be on the fence about this, which you seem to be. You can't stick your foot in the pond while simultaneously thinking you don't want to get your feet wet. Physical intimacy often leads to emotional intimacy, and both of those things being given to others outside of your marriage will damage your primary relationship. If you want your marriage to be healthy, you need to give up this notion about open marriages. If you are not willing to be monogamous, then divorce. Anything in between only creates trouble for the parties involved, and hurt feelings. I really don't see the point in even being married if you want to have sex with others.

 

 

I have to agree with this.

 

I have yet to encounter a marriage that has survived being open, or swinging. I've seen things go horribly wrong.

 

IMO, it's the kind of thing that looks good on paper, but fails in actual application.

 

I'm not viewing this from a moralistic, or Puritan way of thinking---I simply have never seen it work.

[Owl]

Hey, I could do with some advice... I've been lurking on here for a while and thought this was the best place.

 

I'm an MM but in an open relationship. We're apart a lot and agreed that sex can sometimes just be sex but that if anything ever got more serious, we'd talk about.

 

Nothing ambiguous about this agreemant.

 

So...stick to the agreement you made. Sounds like it's gotten more serious...talk to your wife about it.

 

That should help you settle your confusion pretty quickly.